Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father tortures my mother, my brother disrespects them and speaks ill about Islam

depressionSalam,

Please I don't need any judgmental answers, because I'm going through a very tough time.

My brother is 10 years older than me and is his 20's, my sis is 8 years older than me and she too is in her early twenties whereas am still a teenager and I have a newly born baby brother too.

Our family is not a peaceful family at all.

My parents fight a lot, my dad has a bad tongue and swears a lot, he uses words for my mother which are too disgusting to be heard. If my mother stands for herself and says something in defence, he uses his hands and other tools to beat her up, and he beats her in a very in-human way, like he treats her like an animal. If my sister stands for my mother, he also beats her badly.

My father is not a bad person from heart, but just has a negative thinking and a very bad anger and tongue problem. He screams a lot, doubts my mother and never supports her, he always says bad stuff for her even though my mother is one of the most practicing Muslim, best wife, best mother and a best woman after all, I have ever seen in my entire life, My dad is too a practicing Muslim but says thing by which Allah gets angry and Punishes us for that.

My dad has done several financial favors on my mother's family, but due to their poor financial position they were and still are unable to return all the money, and my dad is taunting my mother for that since 10 years for now and abuses her family especially my grandma, where Allah has prohibited anyone to disrespect anyone's mother, he always recalls his favors even when I tell him its not because of him, those favors were from Allah and he should not recall them it may angry Allah but he doesn't listen.

We are not financially strong and have fights every morning,my mother is very supportive and patient,but my father seems to ignore her!

On the other side, my brother, who is an educated person has a very bad behavior towards me and my parents. Regardless of my what my father does , He still shouldn't disrespect them, he never talks to them nicely, he does what he wants, doesn't pray and says unacceptable thing about islam,

Hes going far away from Allah and Islam,his behavior towards me is so bad that I can't explain, if I say him "do you want anything" ? he says did I talk to you and screams and me and says me things like pig, dog etc. I feel so bad,how can a brother be like this to his sister,im thought my brother would love me like I love him and support us when our father is reacting this way but he is hurting me even more than that of dad.

I just can't bear the situation,i too am a repentant because I committed many sins in the past years and everytime my brother treats me like that, i just start thinking to myself if what wrong have I done for what my brother is treating me this way. When he treats me like that,my sins appear in my mind and than I feel ashamed, i know Satan is whispering me but now I'm a practicing good muslimah.

Im very sad sisters and brothers,i don't know what to do. I'm not even having good friends who would help me, Allah knows what i'm going through,what to do. Please help.

~ Allah's Servant


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6 Responses »

  1. It's very sad what you going through at this early stage. This stage is for play, study and keep happy but whatever you going through its hard to imagine if you not in that position.

    It will be very hard to advice you in this kind of situation because your two leg on two boat if you leave one you will loose yourself. Because your mother family is not that strong it's really hard to say what your mother should do. Unfortunately I don't see what she really can do maybe she can consult muislim marriage counciling also not a better option because your father is violent person. All I can say sister is only pray to allah because you know Allah is watching everything and Allah is most mercy he never wants his believers to shed in tears for long. Think like its a trial for your family specially your mother and I am sure Allah will bless and give her more strength to fight against your father. Think like its a trial do not lose hope have faith in allah keep making dua and as far your brother he is learning from his father this is something you can't do because you are young maybe your mother can advice him but the age he is in it will be hard to advice him because he is watching his father but as I said do not loose hope do not stop praying nor making dua soon your family will overcome this nightmare. You are in my prayers sister.

  2. dear sister i can understand and feel ur pain , as same as ur even my mother gone through lot of difficulties , but have strong faith in ALLAH he is ever watching and he listens to our prayers all he want frm us is patients as this is a test time , recite quran at home and read hadith of our prophets and his teaching , for sure inshallah ur house issues will be solved , it will make ur dads heart soft and he will realise the mistakes , no matter wht was the past , its all gone and you must look for future as this life is not permanent , so even this problems wont be permanent , ask allah fo guidance , read hadith at home and yes u can do it allah is with u and all of us 🙂

    The relationship between the husband and wife should be based on mutual love and kindness

    آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

    And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. [30:21]

    In the event of a family dispute, the Qur’an exhorts the husband to treat his wife kindly and not to overlook her positive aspects:

    يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لا يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَنْ تَرِثُوا النِّسَاءَ كَرْهًا وَلا تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذْهَبُوا بِبَعْضِ مَا آتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ إِلا أَنْ يَأْتِينَ بِفَاحِشَةٍ مُبَيِّنَةٍ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ فَإِنْ كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَيَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا

    O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may Take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a something that Allah brings about through it a great deal of good. [04:19]

    Prophet Muhammad always was against violence over women.

    «He never hit any female, and he used to say that the best of men are those who do not hit their wives. In one hadith he expressed his extreme repulsion from this behavior and said, “How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then embrace (sleep with) her?” (Al-Bukhari, English Translation, vol. 8, Hadith 68, pp. 42-43)» by Dr. Muzammil H. Siddiqi

    “Do not beat the female servants of Allah”;

    “Some (women) visited my family complaining about their husbands (beating them). These (husbands) are not the best of you.”

    From website “Reading Islam”:

    The problem is with the practice and not with the law either in Islam or any other culture.

    This value of mutual respect amongst humans is a keynote to the Islamic moral code. The Prophet (pbuh) said:

    ‘A Muslim would neither abuse nor speak bad words to, nor curse others.’ (Sahih Muslim)

    Also, he always stressed the fact that men should treat their women in a fair way and never to use violence in dealing with them. He said:
    ‘Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not harm his neighbors. And I command you to take good care of the women.’ (Bukhari)

    Even when women misbehave, tolerance and not violence is recommended, as a way to solve the problem. The Prophet (pbuh) said:
    ‘No believing man should hate a believing woman, if he hates one of her manners, he should be satisfied with another.’

    The Prophet also said: ‘The believers who have the best manners are those who have the most perfect faith. The best amongst you are the best towards their wives.’ (Tirmidhi)

    jazakallah khair

    may allah solve all ur problems Aameen

  3. Asalamu alikum,

    my dear sister, my heart goes out to you. As i read your post i am very upset at what i hear. I hope my advice can be helpful.

    1) As for your brother- DO NOT BLAME yourself. Please dont bkame yourself- "what have i done.."- dont even think about that. He is behaving that way because your parents have not showed him the beauty of Islam. You dad has shown him how to abuse women, how to put them down, how to make your wife feel worthless, how to be a bad human being to the people that are closest to you.

    So please blame your father for the way your brother is. Your father did not show him how to be kind to others, so dont expect a miracle from him in his 20's and expect him to be nice to you. I hope your brother is a bachelor forever, because he is going to be a very abusing man to his future wife, because he didnt learn anything good by being raised by your dad and mom. Or atleast pray that Allah softens his heart and teaches him some kindness before he goes off to start his own family.

    2) Your father has problems.You can pray and make dua as much as you want sister, But I am sure if you witness a crime such as your mother being severly absued and being beaten by objects- you cannot just sit there and watch! How horrific. You are part of the abuse with your silence. You keep it happening, because you are not stopping him.

    Sister, i dont know what country you are from and what resources there are, but do some research please. Look up resources for women who are abused. Talk to your mother about what is going on, and tell her its not okay for someone to treat her, you, your sister, and teach your innocent baby brother how to abuse others in the future. This is a crime, abuse is a punishable crime. Your dad needs to go to jail. I dont care if he is your father, uncle, cousin, etc- no one should beat you with an object. He needs help, and he is poisoning the family environment.

    Please call 911 or whatever the number is for the police so your dad learns his lesson. OR if you fear for your own life- then talk to your mother about seeking support and leaving this abusive home. Sister, whatever is going on at home is not okay, you cant sit by and just let your mother take hits like this.

    So in the end, all i can say is:

    - talk to a local womens group/domestic abuse support line in your country
    -see if you have family that can support you- like grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc-
    - call the police when he abuses your mother so he can learn that its not okay
    -talk to your mother about her state of mind and why she keeps taking the abuse and not say anything

    Sister, i pray that your situation gets easier and your father changes his monstrous behavior. Sorry if i sound a little harsh, but I want you to Know that abuse and harshness is not okay in any circumstance and this is not something you just sit there and take silently. You see an injustice, and you make sure you are supporting the oppressed not the abuser by staying silent.

    Take care of yourself sister, be safe, and may there be peace in your home inshallah.

  4. Im not surprised to read advices from all women here. Indeed very encouraging. Specially sister zoya's comment is very informative and i hope more men read it. Its sad how many so called practicing men also indulge in so much violence as we hear these days. I just remember a very unfortunate from news recently when a quran recitor abused his 5 yr old in the worst possible manner ( i cant even disscuss the details). The child obviously died in the hospital with multiple injuries. It is such a careless remark that ppl from sub continents abuse their women. This case that i spoke of was from a country well known for iys strict islamic laws. It was shocking that this man was allowed freedom for some compensation. The reason y im disscussing it is b'coz the muslims r under constant spotlight. We cannot afford to go against the teachings of islam. Muslim men.r anyways maligned for being barbaric, and even one rare case in public allows the infidels to mock and ridicule us and they say the worst things when instead of judging that one loser, they start abusing prophet Muhammed ( s.a.w). Those who give dawa and give islamic speech should focus more on such cases and condemn it strongly.

    Your condition is very sad sister, dont allow ur father's aggression to destroy any1's life in anger. Plz get help as soon as possible as sister samira says. 1 strong blow from him on any delicate spot like the spine, head or eye etc could cause a severe and an irreversable damage to ur mum. Take care of her and urselves. Call out Allah s.w.t for help. He is Al Raheem Al Kareem, tell him to put sympathy in ur dad's heart for ur mum.
    Pray regularly.
    Allah is very close to the mazloom.

  5. Pl dont lose the battle be stong a haf

  6. Tell ur popz if ur woman frowns u sieze to be a man everyday he shud give ur mum a present if not sweet loving words islam teaches us... my fathers same if not worse... mum always comes first keep her happy an away from any negativity in the end its one life no second chance also man up an let ur siblings know ur thoughts it cud b a blessing in disguise... take care bro... samuel

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