Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to get married… But my father refuses!

Man saying no, refusing, refuses

Assalaamu alaykum. I just needed to ask you for advice. And inshallah you can try to guide me. My situation is very complicated and I do not know what to do! We are a muslim family of 6. I have 2 older sisters (Age: 37 and 30), a older brother (Age: 36) and me, the youngest daughter (Age:23). We always have had problems in our house as my father who is from India but moved to South Africa and married my mother, they are both under-educated and very much still live in the past...

We own a small family business, which my father worked very hard to create, and it was at the cost of my eldest sister. She was taken out of Primary School to help run the business. As my brother grew up, and so did I, I noticed my father and he didn't have a good relationship, as my father constantly beat my brother! I was still young but I remember it clearly! Well it never ended there, after my brother matriculated, he wanted to study further but my father refused! So he as well worked in the business. My other sister was daddy's favorite! She matriculated, and studied further. After studying she went to work, my dad was not too happy with that, but she was the favorite, so she started working.

Okay, let's go back a bit... My eldest sister had received 4 proposals, but my father constantly found something wrong with the men, and refused to give his daughter's hand in marriage. My eldest sister is now at the age of 37 still working in the business, has no friends, is also under-educated, and my heart breaks for her! I constantly make dua that Allah lights up her life inshallah! She now so desperately wants to be married but nothing has happened. My father had been extremely unfair with her.

My brother had a girl which he chose to marry, but my father refused and arranged a girl from India for him. They have been alhamdoelillah married for 8 years and have 2 children.

In 2006 I was in Grade 12 (Matric), and in January 2006 my other sister (30) tells my dad she has received a marriage propsal and his family wants to come and speak to my family! My father once again didn't want her to get married. So it was all drama, with his family saying my dad is discriminating against them, they are Muslim but Malay Muslim, I was so young and didn't really understand everything! Well my sister did not give up, and in the end when my dad refused to give her over, she decided to walk out of the house, my dad still till today refuses to see her. She is still happily married to that man and they have a beautiful baby girl!

Well then my story began, I'm 23 now, and met a Pakistani man, we would like to get married but my father once again has said No, he will not make nikah... Maybe you are wondering where my mother is in all this, she is here, but doesn't really have a voice as she lives in my father's shadow. My brother he lives for his family, and we all live under one roof!

I do know that the value of my parents is very important, and the sometimes just want they best for us. I know that Allah mentions in the Quran, obedience to parents in vitally Important! And I do know Allah knows best! But I do not want to be like my eldest sister, who is suffering so much alone.

My brother says to love a man before marriage is haraam love? He says love comes after marriage, I think its because he was arranged his marriage! I know this Pakistani man for 3 years now, he lives in South Africa, but his family are in Pakistan, I have spoken to his mother and sisters on the phone. I would love to spend my life with him, but my family will never agree! What should I do???

- maties786

Tagged as: , , , , ,

12 Responses »

  1. The answer is short and simple, just do as your elder sister did., i mean get married to him even if your father does'nt agree. You can islamically get a halal marriage even without involving your dad.. The issue is, be very sure that he is the right man for you before getting married to him.. Make sure he's a very good, caring and religious man. Make sure he's not the type of man that mistreat or beat women. Study the guy very well and make sure you would not regret ever getting married to him. You know, good and marriageable men (and perhaps women) are very difficult to find these days. So it may be that if you miss this oppurtunity, you might not grab it again!, you might end up like your 37yrs old sister.. As regard your father, what Allah says in the koran is ''obey your parent if they did'nt ask you to disobey Allah,. and if your parents ask you to disobey Allah, then you should never obey them.'' .. Clearly, from what you said, your father is not helping matters and he does'nt deserve to be respected in this aspect.. For goodness sake, he has already ruined your 37yrs sister's life.. How can she have proposal now at such age ?? Who would want to get married to a 37yrs old woman when there are fresh girls of 18, 20, 24, 25yrs?? Except if Allah would help your sister (since He has the power to do everything).. So you should learn from this and dont let your father to ruin your life the way he did to your 37yrs old sister.

    • Short and sweet, I agree with Mohd. (Although brother Mohd, please do not put something in "quotes" and say it is from the Quran if it is not. There is no such ayah in the Quran as what you quoted).

      Normally I would never advise a woman to get married without her father's permission. However it seems in your case that your father has some pathological aversion to letting his daughters get married. I suspect that he would keep you all single if he could. I don't understand it, it makes no sense.

      So I think your middle sister did the right thing by going ahead and getting married, and I suggest you do the same, and your elder sister as well. You still need a wali and you can ask a brother or uncle to act as wali. If they will not, you can ask the Imam to do it.

      Wael Editor

  2. "AND WE HAVE ENJOINED ON MAN TO BE GOOD AND DUTIFUL TO HIS PARENTS; BUT IF THEY STRIVE TO MAKE YOU JOIN WITH ME (in worship) ANYTHING (as a partner) OF WHICH YOU HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE (or they ask you to disobey Me-Allah), THEN OBEY THEM NOT. TO ME IS YOUR RETURN AND I SHALL TELL YOU WHAT YOU USED TO DO." koran29:8.... i was just trying to explain this verse and i mistakingly put my explanation in qoute, and not knowing that the implication could mean i qouted 'the explanation' directly from the quran. Thanks for the correction brother wael,, you can as well delete the explanation and replace it with the above quranic verse.

  3. salaam im 23yrs old masallah i have 3 children im getting a divorce off my partner cuz of violence to me he kept beating me up. the divorce is going through at the moment i wanted to ask that i meet some1 but his here on a work visa which expires in 2013 in febuary we love each other alot but my familly wont agree to this they wont let me stay with him i dont know what to do i was force taking to pakistan at the age of 15 but i dont know what to do can you please help me .

    thank you

    • Mehreem,

      Please log in and submit your question as a separate post.

      However, briefly though, think carefully about the next step you take. At the age of 15 years, you were forced in a bad situation by your parents. Now at the age of 23 years, don't fall into another bad situation due to your 'emotions'. You have 3 children to think of aswell now.

      Think. Men from Pakistan do not usually 'want' to marry a divorcee with 3 children; so why is this man interested in you? How do you know he is not just after permanent stay in the country in which you live - and I am guessing you live in the UK. That may sound blunt, but they are questions which if you choose to ignore, you may be making another very big mistake.

      Please write in providing more information so we can help you properly insha'Allah.

      SisterZ Editor

  4. assalam alaikoum.
    i was 23 years old when i wanted o get married but my father refused after taking all the dawaries and promised to nikha mae after my collage .since then my father put alot of blame on me just because i wanted a halal love.he threatens to kill me severals time and bit me to death.after that he

    hired a doctor for one week to attend to me at home.i run away from him and went back to my grandmother who brought me i have cleared my skul and am 25year old.but my father is still refusing the idear of marriage and earliar he claim of returning a dowry is not bad.i know islamically dating a man out of marriage is haram.what shall i do advice me.

    • Amina, please log in and write your question as a separate post and it will go in the queue, Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

  5. hello im 17 and wish to marry the man i love. first thing was my parents agreed to the marriage and his family came over and the gave a word of yes. a month later, there refusing my marriage to him because supposedly they heard bad things about him but i knew him before he came and proposed. im in college and studying pharmacy and my parents say that hes not on my "level" which is wrong because what they mean by that is hes not that wealthy. i dont care abot the money i just want to be with him for the rest of my life. i believe it is wrong for making us be together for so long and then telling us we cant be together. what i dont understand is, that is it harram to stop us from marrying? is it fine to get a nikka and him as my wali? because i really do love this man. please help me out.

  6. my name is naseer .

    (I deleted the rest of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - Editor)

Leave a Response