Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In one meeting he made me feel cheap and small

internet chat, internet love,

Asalaam alaikum everyone, I'm a Muslim girl who was born and grown up in a  respectful family. I have always been good and try to be a better Muslim girl.

Although, I have seen some ups and downs and done  bad things in my early teenage times, but it only was for a few days and, soon, I realized what I was doing was wrong.

I do pray and have strong faith in Allah, however sometimes when I'm busy on other things, I miss my prayers. Sometimes it happens for a week till Jumah (Friday) comes and then I pray coz I don't wanna miss Friday prayer but if I'm in uni it's more likely to be missed.

However, I have known a guy for years since childhood and almost 2 years ago he found me on facebook. I accepted his friend request coz I knew him but I always kept myself away and he was the one who was starting the conversation and trying to talk to me. One day, he said he thinks I´m a nice girl and he wants to get to know me more in good intention if we can have a future together if Allah will.

We always been in touch but not a lot. However, we became very close emotionally through the phone.. texting each other every day and night and he told me he´s attracted to me and that he loves me etc. and I said the same to him which was true and how I felt. Therefore, we planned to see each other before moving forward.

A few weeks ago, I went to see him in a restaurant just to have a chat, that's all. It started up ok but slowly I found it he was being a bit selfish.. I'm very shy and quiet person. At first, therefore sitting in-front of a guy on my own was not easy for me... he was doing all the talking and I was just listening and if he ask me questions I would answer.

At the end, I felt humiliated, I felt cheap and small coz of the way he was reacting and treating me. He did not appreciate me at all, he did not even say thanks for making it happen etc. but he just walked out while I'm sitting there, I expected him to at least say he would drop me to the station but he didn't.. I expected him to contact me when I get home but he didn't, I contacted him instead. Some days ago, he texted me and I asked him what did go wrong that day and he said I seem weak character-wise and that first impression is important, but he's someone who knows me and my family for years and wasn't the first time seeing me.

Anyway, I don't want to long things, I'm sure others have bigger problems than mine.. but I can't get it out of my head and it really really hurts me and disturbs me from my studies and sleep. I do not care about the guy, it is just how he treated me that day.. I feel really cheap and small as always hold on to my pride and never let any guy into my life... it hurts me more coz he was the first guy and that he knows my family he knows everything about my family background.

Any help and advice on how to get this out of my head will be appreciated. My friends says I must see a doctor but in my opinion it is just how I feel about myself. As I mentioned before, I just feel cheap and small and as if I have lost my pride and dignity. It's not depression or psychological problem to seek help from Drs etc.

I know I have not done anything worse, but I can't get rid of the fact that I have let someone into my Life and that person did not even appreciate me and whenever I remember his attitudes towards me it makes me feel bad of myself  n why did I let this happen.

I really hope you understand what I'm going through...Is there anything I can do to help me to get away from this fact and move on? Any dua/prayers suras etcs.

And what does  islam says to those humiliates and disrespects other humans?

Thanks for your time and patience,

- aisha1


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26 Responses »

  1. Salaams aisha1

    Why you even bothering giving this person your time and day or letting this kind of man mess with your head sister. Stop wasting your time on him he was after one thing and because he did not get it he made up a story to see if you was willing to drop at his level. Thank goodness it did not work out there is nothing wrong with you the true colours came out in his part not you. Sister the facts are here and true and this sends a strong message to all our sisters to be aware and cautious when meeting guys. My strong advice to you is stop feeling sorry for yourself, get closer to allah fear from evil and also be careful when meeting men not all are decent and honest they just want girls to hear what they think when it is all lies. Why would you need to see the Dr when you know there is nothing wrong with you? You just need to learn to love yourself and worth more than this. For what I know and been brought up with is someone who hurts you takes power over you so the best out of this is forgive, learn and grow with experience in life. At the end of the day sister you are one of the lucky ones who didn’t lose anything just learnt a lesson that not everything is sweetener on the inside than on the outside.

    I wish you the best for the future w/salaams

  2. Salam Alekum Aisha,

    Simply put my love, you saw the man for who he really is...a toad. Never think of yourself as cheap and never look down upon yourself. You are a wonderful woman and he simply did not appreciate you. Get rid of Facebook, you really don't need it...seriously. The only thing Facebook is good for is drama and wasted time you could have spent doing something productive. Continue your studies and don't spend another minute of your day thinking about this person...he simply isn't worth your time.

  3. Sister,

    This guy is not really worth crying over. Don't let his ego eat you up. Think of it this way, you just met the guy and you found out what he really is like-selfish, egoistic, uncaring. You were probably not his type and he is definetly NOT your type. Sister, you mentioned you are the shy, quiet type then a person with those qualities would prove to be better. You should forget this person. Maybe he doesn't realize he just let a GOOD, DECENT, girl go. Who know's in the future if he would find someone as good as you?

    Remember, time heals wounds, it would only be a matter of time before you completely everything and concentrate on your bright future without jerks in your life!

    Rumaysa

  4. As salamu alaykum, Sister Aisha,

    I agree with the answers given by Samina and Najah and there are a few points I would like you to have clear, in Islam you cannot date, if a man is interested in you for marriage he has to tell your parents and follow the right process, you have to be always in presence of someone else, you cannot be alone with this person until you are married.

    One of the purposes of this is to avoid what has happened to you, insha´Allah.

    Other fact is that even knowing this boy, you didn´t knew who he is, don´t believe everyone will show you their real face through internet, can happens or not, and it has been a blessing that this man has dissapeared of your life so easily, Alhamdulillah.

    Learn of your mistakes and move on, follow the proper way to get married, when you do the right step you don´t feel guilty, vulnerable or worried about it, Alhamdulillah, this is a good clue to move on, insha´Allah.

    At the top of the page you have a link with tawbah and other one with duas, both of them will be very helpful to clear up all this mess in your being, insha´Allah.

    You have to know that what you did is wrong and accept that is wrong then repent and ask for forgiveness to Allah (swt) for yourself and for the boy, do your salat and move on with your life and studies, and stay away of men until you are ready to marry, at least this man didn´t try anything beyond seeing you, Alhamdulillah, you were safe, please, don´t put yourself at risk anymore. You are a precious jewel, but the first that has to appreciate it is yourself, insha´Allah.

    To mantain yourself in tune with Allah(swt) when you feel down, recite His Names and Attributes, read the Quran, listen to it. You have tools to improve your condition, Alhamdulillah.

    If you need help beyond this, just let us know, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional, Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Maybe its not his reaction to you thats making you feel cheap and small sweetheart. You said you are a respectable person from a respectable household- so think carefully. Maybe you feel cheap and small by letting yourself down- by behaving in a cheap and small manner, you have perhaps undiginfied yourself and its that which is making you uncomfortable. You held yourself in high esteem sister becuase you had reason to- you were a good girl- (insha-allah you still are) he was just a decoy perhaps to distract you from what you really feel about your actions.
    Do you ever wonder that this situation would NEVER have appeared if you had not associated with this guy. Whether he's a sinner or a saint is beside the point- that has nothing to do with you, your concern should be that you remain within the beautiful boundaries set out for you by your Lord.
    Your feeling of being belittled is only a small price to pay sister for stepping over the boundaires- this feeling will insha-allah never allow you to repeat this action- it could be God's way of keeping you on the straight path, it could be His mercy, becasue think where your 'relationship' with guy would have ended if he was nice to you and made you feel like a princess.

    Of course islam does not permit mockery and humilation of other people- but this point again is secondary to the real issue you have sister- if a man can request a Muslim woman to meet him in private somewhere do you really think he cares about ettiquettes- his priorities are distorted and he will never think straight, unless he is of noble character, in which case he would never request a private meeting with a woman.

    I hope and pray you find peace of mind.

    • I agree, it would never have happened if I had not associated with the guy. Maybe it was a test or trial from God. Allah knows best. Perhaps whatever has happened is for my own good. It did change me and gave me a good lesson to learn. I think I have learnt from it.

      Thanks dear for the helpful comment.

      • My dear sister, I'm pleased to hear that you have learnt from your mistake. Thats what this life is about. Insha-allah you will get stronger by the day. Place all your trust in God and pray to Him constantly and with conviction.
        I pray all is well for you

        • Thank you my dear, that is what I'm doing. I always have faith in Allah and always put my trust in him.

          Please make dua for me in your prayers...

          Lots of love

  6. Thanks a lot for all ur kind advice and comments, they really are appreciated.

    I agree with all your comments. I do believe it was a wake up call for me, as I know myself, whenever I do something wrong I'll have to pay for it. I'm greatful that Allah has waken me up and made me realise that whatever was hapening wasn't right and islamically, eventhough I didn't do anything more than seeing him in public place and talking with him.

    Rumaysa, I know he'll regret it perhaps he already did but I promised myself and Allah that I will neverever allow this happen to me again. Plus I'm not the type of girl who goes after guys or easily let them talk me. I think he was the lucky one who got the chance. I already stoped everything..I don't have the habit of lowering myself to some guy, no matter how much I love him, it's very hard for me to that to do that.

    I'm naturally not happy after this incident and it affects me a lot. I'm behind on my studies..I cry every day and night. I feel like my happiness and Pride is been stolen from me. I feel the heavy pain inside, and unfortunately I don't have a close family member to talk to and seek help and when I mention things to my friends, they don't really understand me. All I do is praying to God for peace, help, happiness and guidance.

    • As salamu alaykum, Aisha

      Thank you very much for replying, I understand your pain better now, you shouldn´t be so tough on yourself, you have been a straight girl all your life, you just need to learn a lesson, and Alhamdulillah, this lesson is saving you from big, huge mistakes in the future, Alhamdulillah, this boy just talk to you, anytime you remember of your suffering you will keep yourself far from evil, Alhamdulillah.

      I am sure if one of your friends tells you that they have an appointment you would warn them against it, now I know for sure you will prevent anyone if they ask for your opinion, you have been trained in the tough way through real life, certain are the words that says that our words will be tested, for sure, they are, our thoughts, words and acts, have to go in the same direction to live a balanced life and we are tested through our acts, to learn and to reassure we know the lesson. Alhamdulillah, you are a very good student.

      Please feel free to talk to us anytime you want, this is a time for you of deep inner reflection, you are changing and growing up in the real world, but this can go together with the nice joy of youth that you have in your being, may Allah(swt) brings to your Heart what is the best for you. Ameen.

      I send you a big smile from my Heart to your Heart, with my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Walaikumu salaam Maria M,

        I'm very glad that you understood me and what I'm going through.
        I always been careful, took life serious and tried my best not to do anything wrong. However, I have made a mistake just like other human beings and surely I have learnt from it and this lesson will help me in the future.

        I always been a true friend to my friends and always tried to stop them from doing wrong. Never knew I'd end up doing something wrong myself.

        Allahamdulillah, I'm fine, I'm not abused like other girls. I've read worse in this site which made me feel better of myself and I thank God that I'm not in their situation, and I pray to him to keep me away from all those stuff.

        Thanks a lot for the smile dear, it made me feel happier 🙂
        make dua for me in your prayers..

    • Salaams Aisha1

      I am exactly the same as you and I know where you are coming from. But you can’t let this make you feel like this people have to see what people’s real intentions are like and if you don’t see this you won’t learn what the real outside world is really like. You quiet rightly so said Allah has opened a door for you to see and you did with the greatest opportunity saw early. Sister he is messing with your head and you are letting him, giving you doubts you going too deep into the situation that is affecting your way of life. Don’t let this eat you up because you are worth more than this you are healthy, young. I know you are a very good human being and this does have an effect but there are far worse people than your situation right now. I will strongly advice you to get back on track with your studies, concentrate and re-focus.

      Inshallah in time your pain will heal w/salaams

      • Thank you Samina for your kind advice, I appreciate it.

        I don't let a guy to mess with my head or life. He's gone now and he's not gonna get another chance or opportunity to even contact me, I'm not that easy. Whatever I'm going through, its me, I'm just hurting myself, I try to forget and get on with my life, but it don't work like that. Because as I mentioned before, I always hold on to my pride..guys meant nothing to me and after that incident, I feel that I've lost my pride and I feel cheap. and this distracts and discourages me from my daily activities and I feel useless, hopeless, cheap etc..

  7. salam aisha,
    hope you are feeling better. I too was like you, and alhamdulillah was guided on the right path and did not let any guy take advantage of me, i maintained my self respect and did great in all my studies and made something of my life, my parents are very proud of me and to be honest i obtained the respect of everyone around me. Alhamdulillah, life was good and i was grateful to Allah swt for blessing me. However, I am now 25, and in the process of getting to know a guy for marriage I ended up committing alot of huge sins, and so i went from being rightly guided to making a huge mistake, and that has turned my whole world upside down, the pain and burden of the sin is agonising. You are actually one of the lucky ones, this guy is out of your life and he didn't lead you on or harm you any further, Allah protected you. I am proud of you, and happy that you regret everything that has happened. You can now use this as a lesson, and in the future use what you have learned to protect yourself from committing any major sins and to remain pure and chaste. Be happy that Allah has guided you. You sound so young, focus on your studies and make something of your life, an dmy best advice to you would be never to trust a non-mahram, and NEVER meet him alone even if you have permission to do so from your parents. May Allah swt guide you, and bless you with the best in this life and the hereafter, ameen.

    • Dear confusedpuzzled
      May allah also give you the happiness you deserve ameen

    • Walaikumu salaam,

      thanks my dear for your kind advice. May Allah bless you and give you all the happiness and joy in the world. Best of luck with the marriage.

  8. I feel low day by day..plz I want islamic advise. I would love to hear from Brother Munib.
    Whatever the advisers above gave me I've practised hem, but at times I feel low, depressed, hopless etc.
    I'm not a weak person, I do try my best and Alhamdulillah I've improved a lot. I only feel better when I'm praying, listening to the Qura'n, reading verses of the Qura'n with meaning, but I have exams and have got a lot of revision to do..I try the whole day to revise but unfortunately I cannot concentrate..It's like I have no more interest in worldy life, study etc. no desire no nothing. life is meaningless to me. I don't even wanna think about sucide, but if I die tomorrow I would be more than happy. I cry and talk to Allah every moment. I do not know why this is happening to me and what is this, is it a sign?

    • As salamu alaykum, sister aisha,

      Sounds to me you are exhaust, have you been eating well?, are you taking care of all your nutritional needs?

      It sounds to me you are dealing with so much tension now that your nervous system is getting to its limit. If you cannot stop crying, go to see your doctor, he may advice you anything to get out of the tunnel if it is affecting you so much. Meanwhile, you can give a try to the following if you want.

      Just a few advices, eat plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, seeds, nuts, dried fruits, olive oil, cereal, good quality of bread, in small quantities, legumes, meat, fish, poultry, eggs, dairy products.

      When you are studying, stop every 40 minutes, rest 10´, drink warm water and keep working, put yourself nice and clean to study, create a nice enviroment, be in a place with abundant light and air, and if you have a garden or plants, when you stop go where you have them to enjoy their beauty, insha´Allah.

      Exercise, just walking 40 minutes is enough, normal rythm, being here and now, breathing consciously, this will help you to give good quality of air to your brain, insha´Allah.

      Just a question, do you like what you are studying? Is it your dream career?

      Allah(swt) knows best.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Walaykumu salam,

        Yeah, I've been eating and sleeping well alhamdulillah. Even if I don't feel hungry I push myself to
        eat my 3times food on time. I try and push myself to do different forms of exercises, which includes, jogging, swimming and taking part on ladies aerobic classes if I have the time. If I don't have the time I only do my usual walking which I believe is more than 40min a day. I believe Im healthy and well physically, it's my mental health that bothers me and stops me from everything. At t he moment I feel that my heart is crying. During maghrib prayers I was reading my salat and my tears were falling of my eyes. Even when I finished I sat there and crying and talking to almighty Allah thinking he's infront of me. May he give me some peace.

        Yeah, I like my chosen course, This is what I chose to do as my degree. I did well last year, I enjoyed. This year it seems I've lost interest in everything not just on studies.

        Thank you very much for the quick reply, it's abig help to me. It's appreciated. U spend time on writing all that for me..every point you have given me will be noted and practiced inshallah. Your previous comments were very useful and positively affected me a lot.

        May Allah bless you and your family dear sister!!

        Aisha

        • Assalam O Alaikum sister Ayesha,
          May Allah (swt) ease your troubles. Sister, sorry about the unfortunate situation you are going through, I don't have much to say but I would like to say that please do following things. I hope they will help you;

          1- Sister, start meditation as your main issue here is concentration and forgetting that bad incident which eventually took everything away from you. (If you look up on internet you will find a lot of stuff relevant to your problem and you will see some practical examples on Youtube as well). There is so much literature available in soft and hard copy form.

          2- Have you thought changing your environment for a while, taking some holidays or visiting your close family in other cities.

          3- If you find plenty of time (after exams) then you can start working for a charity and keep yourself busy. The reason that you haven't gotten over it I believe is that you have plenty of time and don't have a hobby or activity to keep yourself busy.

          4- As far as prayer goes! Sister, while praying concentrate on the words and meanings of the surah and what we read at different stages in prayers. Insha Allah, it will help you a lot as it helped me as well when my mind used to wonder during prayers.
          Please try all this and do a lot of dikr, charity and ask Allah (swt) to remove these feelings from you heart and mind. Remember, He (swt) loves you 70 times more than your own mother and do I need to tell you that how much your mother loves you? Just see how she feels when you are not feeling well:)
          Wasalam,

          Your brother in Islam,
          Muhammad1982.

          Islamicanswers.com Editor

          • Walaykum o Salam dear brother,

            Thank u very much for the useful comment. I've looked up on the internet already and the findings are similar to what sister Maria M advised me.

            I do keep myself busy all the time, in fact I'm a busy person, and whenever I'm free I spend that time with the Holy Qur'an as I really enjoy to know the meaning of every verses and surahs from it.

            My big problem is, as stated before, no matter what I do there's something that bothers me and distract my concentration..but I try and I'm working on it to overcome this. I would hopefully be going on holiday after my exam, It may help me Inshallah.

            I shall start looking for a charity work. I like that point, I enjoy working for charities, I already applied for a few through my university, but due the fact that they were far from where I live I gave up on them.

        • As salamu alaykum, sister Aisha,

          Ameen to your prayer. Jazak Allahu Khairan

          I can see a glimpse of Light in your words already, Alhamdulillah.

          Our Brother Muhammad had given you very good advice, I would like to add the following, you have a link on duas on top of the page, read the seventh one, it will bring you Peace, insha´Allah.

          Remember to say, bismillah, Alhamdulillah, Insha´Allah, SubhanaAllah, Masha´Allah, this will make a difference, too, insha´Allah.

          Barak Allah Feek

          María
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • A big smile(those that you can see the teeth) from all my Heart to you, my beloved Sister.

            María
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Thank you sister Maria M, I'll read the dua Inshallah.
            Yeah, you're right, mentioning those words make me feel happy.

            Thanks for the smile, I can imagine that in my head-big smile with white healthy teeths. 😀

          • Barak Allah Feek

            María
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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