Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Feeling hopeless and guilty after visiting a massage parlor

tree lonely

Well I don't how to say this, so I'll get on say this. I don't need to really hear all the stuff that comes before this, because I use to live that and do so as well. I'll make it quick.

After years of depression, severe loneliness and extreme paranoia, I visited a massage parlor for obvious reason. The poor girl barely spoke any English, and after using her hands, and I used mine to touch her upper parts, nothing happened, I paid her three times as much and came home in tears and paranoia lest someone saw me or they have this on video tape. It was around my neighborhood, where I grew up so I was doubly embarrassed and and ashamed.

Evil conscience kept telling me why not? So many Muslims fool around and  have fun and hear what I think might be the the end of my life [contemplated before, the unthinkable] I received the "hand part". Sorry for the language, but I have no one else to tell.

Islam is my beginning and end and after years of  family emotional abuse, social abuse [even though I keep in shape and and well dressed and spoken]  and other anxiety problems, I had intention of zina [only oral] and just felt so bad for the girl. I am sorry if I do not make any sense, but I feel hopeless, that me, of all the people would succumb to this level.

It is over ? The life for salvation? What it happens again and the poor girl does something else ? How long should I bother living with all the other problems in life ?

-Pathetic man, mid 20's (please don't say marriage is the answer!)


Tagged as: , , ,

5 Responses »

  1. Of course it's not over. You made a mistake, and recognized it. Read through this site -- people make worse mistakes than this.

    You're right, the solution is not marriage, not yet anyway. You need to be in a better place, emotionally, first.

    The immediate solution is to work on yourself and find something to alleviate your loneliness. Volunteering, working, and starting a new activity will help.

    Also try to keep yourself occupied, all day.

    I'm a big believer in exercise. You should do an hour of something, anything, most dates of the week. Start taking some supplements that will increase your serotonin levels, like omega3, vitamin B, magnesium and vitamin D.

    You need to change your life around. Get counselling. Go back to school, where you will meet new people.

    This all takes time.

    Some day, what happened will be a distant memory. Allah knows what you've been through, and He will forgive. But you need to tackle the source of the problem. No one just gets over past abuse issues. You need a therapist who will work closely with you.

    You're not dead. You have your whole life ahead of you. You"ll be ok, in the long run, if you work at it.

  2. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    I sorry to hear about the state of your mind and your suffering from depression and anxiety. These are never easy to deal with and there isn't a "magic" pill that would just suddenly remove all your pain and make it go away.

    If you suffered from a bacterial infection, a doctor could just prescribe antibiotics, or if you had a headache, you could take some medication for that too--because many sicknesses/illnesses are very "measurable." With depression and anxiety, it isn't so easy. First off, the time that you suffered from abuse (as you mentioned) didn't happen over night--so the "cure" isn't going to be something that happens overnight either.

    You have to think of your anxiety and depression in the same way. Even though others may not be able to measure your feelings, no doubt, you know they are real and you need help. You mentioned that Islam is your beginning and end. So what does this mean exactly? We can get so caught up in the rituals of Islam, but somehow we miss the true meaning of them. If you had all the ingredients to make a cake, you wouldn't actually get a cake unless you mixed them up properly and then baked that cake--in the same way, think of the rituals as being the ingredients. You need them for the end result of being successful in this world and the next, but you won't get that just because you have the necessary "ingredients." You have to put ALL yout trust in Allah, you have to put ALL your faith in Allah. You have to believe that Allah knows you, hears you, loves you. It is so easy for us to forget the presence of Allah in our every moment, and difficult to understand what this means. However, doing dhikr constantly, will amount to benefitting your soul and thus your anxiety many-fold.

    Right on this site, you can find du'as for anxiety:

    Sometimes people will just say that these things don't exist, mostly because they either don't suffer from it, don't know about it, or don't want to acknowledge it (because they think it is a sign of weakness), but why would their be du'as for something that didn't exist?

    In addition to making sincere tawbah and regret for what has happened, I would suggest that you focus heavily on reconnecting with Allah swt every moment that you can. Start believing in yourself. Stop waiting for someone to come and save you, rather be for yourself that person by reaching out to Allah who is always our Constant Friend and source of eternal Peace. I sincerely believe that if you concentrate on solving your problem for anxiety/depression, you will see a general overall benefit in your life, inn shaa Allah.

    Also, do not forget that in the Quran [95:5-6]

    For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.
    Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.

    Not only does Allah swt tell us that with our hardships will also come ease, but He repeats it twice. Allah knows ALL. So take refuge in the Quran. Exercise and take care of yourself. Do not feel that you are no good, you are human--although you should regret your actions--rather, focus on being positive because we are not encouraged to be sad in Islam--definitely this is what shaitaan wants. If shaitaan can make us beleive we are useless and sinful, he can convince us of more sin--so be careful as to not fall into this trap.

    I pray that you feel better and inn shaa Allah find ease.

    • I forgot to mention that being bombarded with whispers from shaitaan isn't necessarily a sign of weakness. Often those with anxiety and depression report this happening along with racing thoughts--I think that the opposite is probably true: Whispers from shaitaan are probably greater when he knows he is dealing with a strong person and then shaitaan is determined to break our will power to make us succumb to our desires illegally. Looking forward, try to change how you think of your "evil conscience" that keeps on "telling you why not?" as an attack on the integrity of your being. You must obviously have something of great value, your Imaan, your good deeds, that shaitaan would attack you for these things. Protect them.

  3. AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother,

    In addition to the good advices given above, I'd like to say that there are three states that the human soul could be in.

    -1- The state of tranquility (the soul in such manner is called, "the tranquil soul") Allah (s.w.t) says: "But as for you, O tranquil soul. Return to your Lord, pleased and accepted. Enter among My servants. Enter My Paradise." (Quran 89: 27-30). When the human is in such manner, his soul commands him to do good, and through that he meets his Lord with a sound heart. "The Day when neither wealth nor children will help. Except for him who comes to Allah with a sound heart." (Quran 26: 88-89)

    The best way for the soul to be/continue being in such state of tranquility, is by observing its state of Ibadah, and working towards achieving a better state. This leads the soul to reach many higher ranks in morality and ibadah. As (the soul passes through many levels of Ikhlas (sincerity) till it becomes a complete Mukhlas - a loyal or sincere servant of Allah and) it becomes very hard for shaitan to come near such a soul (like in the case of Sayyiduna Umar r.a), because the soul in such state receives more divine help and protection. Allah (s.w.t) says in the case of Prophet Yousuf (s.a.w.s), "She desired him, and he desired her, had he not seen the proof of his Lord. It was thus that We diverted evil and indecency away from him. (We did so because) He was one of Our loyal servants." (Quran 12: 24)

    "He (shaitan) said, “My Lord, since You have lured me away, I will glamorize for them on earth, and I will lure them all away.” “Except for Your sincere servants among them.” He (Allah) said, “This is a right way with Me.” “Over My (sincere) servants you have no authority, except for the sinners who follow you.” And Hell is the meeting-place for them all."
    (Quran 15:39-43)

    -2- The state of commanding evil (the soul in such manner is called, "the commander of evil"). Allah mentioned what Nabiyyullahi Yusuf (s.a.w.s) said, “Yet I do not claim to be innocent. The soul commands evil, except those on whom my Lord has mercy. Truly my Lord is Forgiving and Merciful." (Quran 12:53)

    This type of soul is the greatest enemy to the human being. It is even greater than the Shaitaan. As Shaitan is just a whisper and he invites to evil only, whereas the soul in such manner gives strong effective instructions to the human (and many times it happens without the involvement of any whispers of shaitan). See in the case of the two sons of Adam, when one of them killed the other, Allah didn't say that Shaitan made him to kill his brother, but he said "Then His soul (while in the state of commanding evil) prompted him to kill his brother, so he killed him, and became one of the losers." (Quran 5: 30)

    "And (on the day of Al-Qiyamah) Shaitan will say (to those who accepted his invitation), when the issue is settled, “God has promised you the promise of truth, and I promised you, but I failed you. I had no authority over you, except that I called you, and you answered me. So do not blame me, but blame yourselves. I cannot come to your aid, nor can you come to my aid. I reject your associating with me in the past. The wrongdoers will have a torment most painful.” (Quran 22: 14)

    This type of soul is which the Shaitan seeks help from when he intends to mislead the human being. In such manner, both the shaitan and the soul become like co-workers.

    The way to get rid of such manner, is through the self-controlling and domesticating the soul against its desires (as the soul in such manner, never desires good, but evil), in addition to praying the regular salahs properly, and doing zikr together with reading the Holy Quran or listening to it a lot.

    According to the Prophet (s.a.w.s), Jihad An-Nafs (fighting such a soul) is the greatest Jihad (Jihadul-Akbar). Allah (s.w.t) says, "As for those who strive for Us—We will guide them in Our ways. Allah is with the doers of good (they are the Muhsinun whose target is always Ihsan)." (Quran 29: 69)

    Allah (s.w.t) says: "Recite what is revealed to you of the Scripture (the Holy Quran), and perform the prayer (the five regular salahs). The prayer (salahs) prevents indecencies and evils. And the (zikr plus recitation of the Quran) remembrance of Allah (together with your regular salahs) is greater (and the best in preventing indecencies and evils). And Allah knows what you do. (Quran 29: 45)

    -3- The state of blaming itself for the evil deed or for everything (the soul in such a state is called, "the blaming soul"). Allah (s.w.t) says, "And I swear by the blaming soul." (Quran 75: 2)

    This is the most confusing part of the human soul, where a particular physical/spiritual feeling of anxiety surrounds the soul. And sometimes there may be more than one feeling of anxiety gathered in the human being at the same time (like, the anxiety of the past sins, regretful of something, in pain of a past abuse, in loss of a future dream or something/someone very dear etc). Many issues have been raised by both divine and worldly Psychologists, concerning the soul in such manner.

    However, when the human soul gets to this state, it stands between "the state of commanding evil" and "the state of tranquility". As part of it may be intending to change the past or leave everything in the past and do better, while another part of it may be intending to give up and lose hope in life. Usually, Shaitan comes in here and tries to make the soul end up in "the state of commanding evil" - may Allah forbid all of us from the shaitan. This is why many people when in such situations may end up repeating a past sin or abusing other innocent people due to the past abuse, or even committing suicide etc.

    In such manner the human-self needs to fight the two enemies at a time (the soul of commanding evil and Shaitan). This could happen easily, when one combines both physical and spiritual ways. Allah (s.w.t) says, "And (I swear by) the soul and He who proportioned it. And inspired it with its wickedness and its righteousness. Successful is he who purifies it. Failing is he who corrupts it."
    (Quran 91: 7-10)

    It seems to me (and Allah knows best) that, your soul (OP) has went through "the state of commanding evil”, and it’s now in "the state of the blaming soul”. And I can see that, both the two advisers above (Precious Star and Saba), have given you some good physical and spiritual advices on how to get rid of this manner, in order to help your soul return to the state of tranquility. May the Almighty Allah help you, and ease the way for you, and save you from waswasa of shaitan!

    However, I'd like to add that you should try and observe your actions, and then try to reckon them in the light of Shariah and Adab.

    Seek Allah's forgiveness and do zikr a lot. You do not need to be a sinner to seek Allah's forgiveness and mercy, as all human beings are in the state of committing sins, knowingly or by ignorant. And this is another source of anxiety, as we may feel anxious sometimes, without knowing the reason behind it, but in reality some part of us must have done something wrong without us noticing it.

    Though, there are some other times too where, the soul could be in such manner due to it undergoing a test from Allah (s.w.t). Allah (s.w.t) says, “We will certainly test you with some fear and hunger, and some loss of possessions and lives and crops. But give good news to the steadfast. Those who, when a calamity afflicts them, say, “To God we belong, and to Him we will return.”Upon these are blessings and mercy from their Lord. These are the guided ones.” (Quran 2: 155-157)

    Therefore, in order for the soul to overcome such anxiety completely, the human being must engage himself in remembrance of Allah (repenting constantly, and doing zikr a lot, and making du'as most of the times, and reading the Holy Quran or listening to it a lot, and following the rules of Allah properly).

    Allow yourself to feel the Yaqeen (the certainty - and you shall come to feel it in reality, Insha Allah) during your ibadah and remembrance of Allah (s.w.t). People who sincerely do it properly, never complain about any anxiety in this Dunya, instead they get intoxicated by the love of Allah, and therefore can't feel anything about the pain of this Dunya. "Unquestionably, God’s friends have nothing to fear, nor shall they grieve. Those who believe and are aware. For them is good news in this life, and in the Hereafter. There is no alteration to the words of Allah. That is the supreme triumph." (Quran 10: 62-64)

    "...And repent to Allah, all of you believers, so that you may succeed (in this Dunya and the Akhirah)." (Quran 24: 31)

    "Those who believe, and whose hearts find comfort in the remembrance of God. Surely, it is in the remembrance of Allah that hearts find comfort. For those who believe and do righteous deeds—for them is happiness and a beautiful return."
    (Quran 13: 28-29)

    Hope this helps Insha Allah

  4. my best wishess to all brothers and sisters

Leave a Response