Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Feeling isolated and desperate…

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

I am a 19 year old Muslim girl living at home with my parents and 5 brothers. I am the only girl in my family and I get really lonely and don't really have a female role model in my life to look up to or even to share my thoughts and sadness with. I have been in a relationship for the past two years and we were meant to get our Nikkah done but his family backed out of it.

Me and my mum don't really have a good relationship as she is close with my brothers and her younger sister and my dad is close to his daughter from his first marriage and our family don't speak to her and she's happy in her own life.

My mum and dad are overly strict on me like abusive and say alot of horrible stuff to me and its so upsrtting because i dont have anyone to turn to and speak about my pain and my feelings. Like i feel isolated. They have always been on my case to get marrried since a young age and my mum always says that I am a burden on her.. when i dont ask them for money i work full time and do my own cooking and cleaning and everything. I don't think im ready for marriage myself but they say it everyday and soo many horrible comments to me and i cant help but get upset.. the guy ive been with doesn't have a place of his own etc etc and hes only 21 and his family dont want him to get married just yet. Sometimes i feel to just pack my bags and leave but i dont even know where to go. This all is psychically draining my energy and i cant even concentrate at work or when i go out because i know im going to go home to get all that horrible stuff from my parents.

Even when im crying my eyes out to them and asking what they want from me etc they give me no sympathy i really dont know what to do.


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10 Responses »

  1. Asalam alekum
    I don't know in which country you live but sometimes in situations like that yes you should pack and leave.

    • Aoudhubillah.... Some advices are just meant to be ignored. How do you suppose a young girl to just pack her bags and leave her family? Without a mahram??? Do you know the impact of this world and what is out there?

      Please sister, ignore this suggestion. The world out there is far more suppressing and dangerous. You are under the protection of your family for now even though it may not look seeming to you at the moment. But what is out there is far worse than you can imagine. Trsut me and believe me sister.

      The best thing is to try to create a relationship with your mother. I have yet to see a mother who is awful to her flesh and blood. Sometimes a mother's reproach may sound mean and awful but its out of love and may be too much care for you that she may lash out on you.

      Try to also create a relationship with one of the brothers. Trust me, I am the youngest in my family and I know that even though I may be too girly for my brothers and my brothers may not be too close to me in that sense, but still I know that they love me so much and even a bit over protective toward me. Even so much more than some of my sisters.

      I pray that Allah SWT, eases your distress, but I really hope and pray that you will not run away.

      Your Sister In Islam,

      • I agree that she should not just pack her bags and leave when she has no safe place to go. But I don't think it's right to basically tell her she's wrong in her experiences of her mother. Not all mothers are good and loving mothers, and this young girl may be one of the unfortunate who really does not have a mother who's loving OR willing to be loving. I don't think a girl has much to work with when a mother directly tells her daughter she's a burden and encourages her to get married as soon as possible just to get rid of her. Doesn't at all sound like a mother you can even try anything with.

        TO the OP:

        I think you

        1) Should not take your family's attacks on you personally. You are not a burden and you certainly don't need to get married as soon as possible if you are not happy with the proposals you recieve

        2) Perhaps it would be good for you to widen your network beyond your immediate family. Try make sincere friendships in activity groups or in school / work. Or even online. Regardless, always be cautious and safe. But be open to meeting new and good people

        3) Get more involved with volunterr work.. Not only could that also get you in touch with new people, but you are also doing a really good deed for someone who is in need of help

  2. Asalam O alaikum Sister,
    Sometimes we misunderstood our parents by thinking they are close to our siblings...But be a brave girl and go have a chat with your mum and dad and clear your doubts...
    Second thing sometimes parents gets abusive because of their own tensions and frustrations and then their children become victims... Yeah i agree that this is wrong but try to understand their situation and try to step in their shoe then you'll understand so BE POSITIVE dear...
    And thing about being isolated and alone so why alone when ALLAH is there... Become close to ALLAH, make a strong bond with HIM, communicate with HIM and try to study Islam more...
    Make friends, have chit chat with them, engage yourself in interesting stuffs like movies, TV, reading or whatsoever you like...
    Dear we all have problems, some have family problems and some have other issues. No one is tension free but this is the examination time and our real life is in Jannat so don't think that much as you'll not be in the examination hall forever...
    Try to take this as your test and training period where you have to lift yourself up and become strong. I am not saying that problems will disappear but by this you'll have a positive mind then you can solve them easily... Just remember its all on your mind !!!
    IN SHAA ALLAH ALLAH will help you out and you'll get the reward of your patience...
    Stay Blessed 🙂

  3. salam....
    Hope you are well....
    no one can undrstand ur situation betr thn u do but as of what u have said, believe me there are million of men and women being treated worse thn you. Dont look above. Look beneath of u. U dont need sympthy from anyone xcpt allah. Pray 5 times a day. Cry infront of him u will feel bettr. As of marrg's concern, u r more effctd by that breakup thn anythng else. The biggest problem in our society is delaying marriage before the guy propery stands on his soo called feet rather thn understanding the needs of growing children. Just pass your time while praying. Utlize time to pray as much as u can. There is a strong logic behing a famous saying "mayusi kufr hai"

  4. Salaam alaikum sis, I'm sorry for what you are going thru, your parents seem messed up and heartless! If your mother says your a burden on them and she really wants you to get married maybe you should start saving money and move somewhere else and live on your own. Who knows you might meet someone wonderful and be happy. Where ever you move to just get close to the Muslim community by going to the masjid regularly and meeting new sisters and hopefully when you are ready for marriage there will be wonderful bothers at the local masjid who are also looking for a spouse. Like seriously if you have the ability to move out from ur parents house do it. I used to be miserable at my parents house them always pushing me to accept marriage proposal that I did not want to accept and making life hard for me but they never allowed me to move out so I couldn't plus I didn't have a job like you so I couldn't rent my own place. Anyway good luck and I hope things get easier for you.

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    You are 19. You will have some wisdom, but you will still be impressionable. This is such a crucial age. You wrote here reaching out for help because you recognize that something is missing and you want to be careful of where your next step falls. As I said, you have some wisdom, maa shaa Allah.

    Dear Sister, I suggest that you start making a plan. First build a fortress around your soul with thoughtful words for yourself...meaning, focus on all the good that you have in you. Beware that when you do this, shaitaan will surely try to defeat you by poisoning you with reminders of negativity. Ignore it. This will be your first success. If you begin programming your thoughts with bursts of goodness and filed with dhikr, this remembrance of Allah swt will make help in building a barrier around your thought process. This is more important than anything because we don't always have control over our surroundings, but we can and have the will power to control our minds.

    You also need to find out what you want to do and stop at nothing to achieve every realistic goal you can. Be driven. The hardest thing, dear Sister, for you will be to ignore your parent's negativity and how they ignore you. It will be at times excruciatingly difficult. I know it will be and I speak from experience. I will say that many people may come in your life, teachers, friends, peers who will tell you that you are capable--listen to them.

    Also, do not cry anymore in front of anyone that has no value for your tears. However, Allah swt values every tear of yours that drops. Seek Allah's Mercy in speaking to Him, praying to Him, asking Him for what you need...even if you just ask Allah to help you in the way that He sees best---leave it to Him. Sometimes we ask for what we want or need, but sometimes we also don't know what that is.

    It is difficult to guide you to leave because we don't know where you live--but if you are able to and the abuse continues, you may have to make serious plans to do this. But if you do this, you must be very careful and absolutely not entertain the idea of male friendships; however, if a man does show serious interest in marrying you, make sure you only follow Islamic etiquettes in pursuing the next step.

    Finally, don't forget that your struggle ends when you strengthen your emaan and thoughts. You can do it. Know that the way you are being treated isn't right and you are also not alone. This done happen to other people as well--they key is to recognize it and make steps to remove yourself from this.

    May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  6. OP: I have been in a relationship for the past two years and we were meant to get our Nikkah done but his family backed out of it....... I don't think im ready for marriage myself but they say it everyday and soo many horrible comments to me

    If your family can find you a good educated guy with a good job get married. Why you want to marry a guy who has no job? Your b/f may not even marry you. Get some education. Moving out may not be a good thing.

  7. oh my dear... You are not alone.

    My situation is not very different. I was like 16 when my father started forcing me to marry. My mom abandoned us and father is going to marry another woman and I am living with my father and he hates me so much he even doesn't talk to me and ignores me. A day isn't passed when I havnt cried. I am living in country when I can't just leave home and live else where. But I hope and pray that one day sun will start shining for me as well.

  8. AssalamuAlaikum dear one, I fully agree with the first advice. Do plan to leave. This home is just a house and a toxic place for you to live. You can always find a safe all-women's hostel since you already practically live by yourself. Your mental health is your first responsbility. Anybody, that second woman esp, telling you otherwise is wrong. Some relationships are toxic and not meant to be continued!
    JazakAllah Khairun


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