Tired of sitting at home between 4 walls, waiting for husband
A dark flower blossoms as the night falls silent
Assalamu alaykum,
I need some advice, as i don´t have anywhere else to turn to, (apart from Allah subhaana wa ta ala). Mashwara is a sunnah.
I've been married for almost 2 years, and it was a happily accepted arranged marriage. We both are quite young, i am 20 and he is 26, we love each other a lot.
I knew my husband was a good man, because anyone that knew him always had good words to say about him and alhumdulillah, he is a good person in and out. I am a practicing muslim and have a strong love and faith for my deen and most of the time rely and depend on Allah swt. So is my husband, for that we are quite compatible, as well as in other ways.
I wear full head to toe pardah (including face veil) even before I got married and still do, so I don´t go out infront of ghair mahrams. Alhumdulillah, I have been bought up to be modest and shy, family and those who know me, know this about me. My husband is very serious with regards to pardah, which means, voice etc is included. He doesn´t allow me to go out on my own, nor does he want me out of the house.
He also doesn´t like/want me to visit my family often and they live 2 hours away, I usually go 5 weeks sometimes longer till i visit them. My brother lives locally near me and i see him every 2 weeks sometimes longer and I need a reason to why i want to go to his house ?!?!? I do so without any fight even if my family would prefer to see me more often, i feel disheartened and helpless when i have to reject them but i don´t want to displease my husband. My family exercise patience and have accepted this issue. So have i.
Alhumdulillah, he is a great husband, he gets me gifts, he is deendaar, he has good intentions when it comes to islamic issues and I love him alot, sometimes i am surprised about the extent that I love him to, but I guess that is something Allah has placed in my heart and Allah alone knows how much i love my husband.
But my husband is very stubborn and has an ego. I am always wary of displeasing him, I always try not to. I avoid arguments, alhumdulillah, we haven´t had any arguments yet. I have not raised my voice ever, I don´t have the typical 'nagging' issue that most husbands have a problem with. I do as my husband says. And he does what he wants. Simply put.
I don´t go out at all, even if our local grocery shop is directly infront of our apartment. I stay at home all the time, and I admit I get bored. I try and keep my self occupied with different things, but sometimes i just get fed up. But i never let him see this. why? because my husband will turn it around and make me feel bad or put me in the wrong somehow. I am not a very stubborn person but whatever stubborness I have, I´ve lost it to him.
I won't say I don't ask for any items, i do and most of the time he provides me so. I can save money, I am not stingy, nor am i extravagent, I do like spending and have interests in different things, be it clothes, cosmetics, etc. But I don´t spend as much as the typical woman. I hardly go out, he takes me to our local shopping centre once every two months. Yet he goes out with his friends every week, when I tell him i need some essentials he tells me I have to wait. I mean I am not going to die if I don´t have these products straight away, so I wait. Yet, yet! he tells me I spend a lot !!!!
My husband works. I am always at home, surrounded by these four walls all the time, he comes home, i give him food etc, sometimes he goes out with his friends, comes home late. I used to always ask him to go for walks when the weather was good, he would always reject the offer. So i dont bother ask anymore. We dont go out together anywhere apart from the shopping centre. Yet he is always planning things and doing things with his friends, going out of town etc. I understand the limitations a muslim woman has especially with her face veil in the outside world and am not asking for a lot.
In my opinion I had sacrificed quite a few things for my husband, not only the metioned above, and I sacrificed it without a fight. Of course sacrifices are not without struggle for any person who sacrifices, however minor these sacrifices may seem in others' eyes. And I have struggled making these sacrifices, and have held up a lot of patience. He may say something or do something that will upset me but I dont have the courage to show him i am upset as his ego usually gets in the way and he isn´t compassionate enough.
The problem I have is, I don´t feel like I am part of his life, sometimes I feel as if he doesn´t care for me, like I´m not important to him, he doesn´t tell me whats on his mind, he never tells me exactly where he is going or how long he is going for, doesn´t tell me things that he has planned, if he goes away for the day for a work trip, I usually find out just before he leaves. But I don´t nag at him about it. I just get upset and frustrated on my own. I don´t have much self esteem and he buries it down deeper.
He doesn´t make plans for us, he doesn´t want to do things with me. yet he is so lively and jolly and interactive with his friends. I don´t want to go out with him if he doesn´t want me to be there with him. Nor do I want him to do something for me, only to keep me happy, when he isn´t happy himself.
I just want us to be soulmates you know. If not soulmates, I just want him to do things with me, interact with me. if he can go to various shopping malls or markets with his friends and enjoy himself, why can´t he take me? Can´t he see or understand how I´m feeling or going through being at home every single day waiting for him? he isn´t daft! It is just one blow after the other and he is really testing my patience and I am losing this stupid battle.
If I'm going through a day where I am upset and I am not talking as much and quiet, instead of softly asking me what the problem is, he'll give me the cold shoulder or the silent treatment, so I stay cheerful and positive around him just so that we can share some happy, positive moments together. I just want him to be compassionate, understanding, wise and rational, i am forever pleading in my duas to Allah swt for this as well as peace of heart.
I don't want to turn to family members for advice as they may think I am being ungrateful and also because I don´t want to have to say anything bad about my husband to them, as they are already disheartened with him.
It was so hard for me to open up to him once, but I mustered up my strength to let him know that i was struggling having to stay at home all the time, but he told me that he doesn´t want anything else from me apart from my obedience to him, not even my love. I was shattered after hearing that, since then i have realised that he will never understand me and i can never speak to him if I have a problem, I can´t turn to him for help. There is no compromise in our relationship. Everything else is fine in our relationship, there are times where he expresses his love for me and how important I am to him in such a way, that I feel so incredibly blessed by Allah swt.
I am losing all my patience with him and I don´t want to burst. My problems are nothing like what I have read, he doesn´t abuse me, not having an affair, no in law problems etc. these are minute problems compared to what is going on around the world. Alhumdulillah Allah swt has blessed me, I am healthy, I have a roof over my head and food on my plate. but I don´t want to cry the second he walks out the door because I am so fed up.
I don´t know what to think, I don´t know what to be, I just feel so lost, I just want some islamic insight and advice , that is why I am posting here.
Seeking Sister
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Sister, I am shocked. What an abysmal and empty life you are living. You are essentially a prisoner in your home. This is NOT what Islam intends or expects. In Islam you have the right to visit your family, to have friends, to go out for shopping and groceries, and even to go to the masjid if you choose. You also have a right to companionship and love from your husband. It's a grave injustice for him to spend time going out with his friends, going on trips, etc, while leaving you at home, forbidden from leaving the house.
Sister, you need to stop pretending. You've got this act going, like, "Oh, I'm such a nice and dutiful wife, and I love my husband so much, and my problems are not so bad, these are small problems, etc." But your act is obviously not working, as the frustration and bitterness are building up inside you. In your own words, you are fed up, you want to cry, you are losing patience. Your whole strategy of quietly suffering at home, waiting for things to magically change, is not working and will never work.
You wrote, "I just want us to be soulmates you know. If not soulmates, I just want him to do things with me, interact with me." Sister, wishing will not make it so. There's a saying, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
There is an expression I often use: "If nothing changes, then nothing changes."
What I am getting at is that it's time for you to find your voice. I am not suggesting that you divorce your husband or walk out. But you must begin speaking up. He needs to know just how miserable and frustrated you are with this existence. You should involve your family as well, if you believe they can help. You must begin asserting your rights as a Muslimah and a woman. He is obviously not prepared to give you your rights voluntarily, so you must take them. The next time he tells you that all he requires is your obedience, you need to say, "But I require more from YOU than your commands."
This situation is not going to change unless you work to change it. Along the way there will be friction, arguments, and disputes. Accept that going in, and be prepared to hold your ground.
I'll tell you a secret that all newly married couples discover at some point. In every new marriage, there is an initial power struggle. Each person goes into the marriage accustomed to controlling his and her own destiny. Suddenly there is another person with expectations and needs. A process ensues of learning to accommodate the other person's needs, learning to compromise, learning to share power, learning to share duties and responsibilities. This process can take as much as a year or two. Some marriages don't survive it. But in a successful marriage this process culminates in a healthy balance that both parties can live with.
In your marriage this entire process has gone awry. Your husband demanded total control, and you ceded it, and now you have become a prisoner in your own home. You're going to have to go back to the beginning, and negotiate a new way of living, a new kind of marriage. Either your husband can accept this, or he cannot, it's up to him, but it's very, very clear that the current dynamic is not working for you. This marriage must evolve and change or it will not last, I am sure of that.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Alhumdhililah brother Wael why are your replies always on point and perfect. May Allah swt grant you a righteous spouse IA
Dear Sister,
Your post is heartwrenching and Wael's reply is perfect.
Reading the above struck a few chords for me.
Ask Allah to give you the strength to take Wael's advice.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
Salaams Sister
You are such a sweet, soft and nice wife... maybe just too nice that's the reason your husband is walking all over you. Sister it's time u let your voice be heard. Speak to your husband about how you feel. Please do not leave this situation too long, Your husband may just become accustomed to the way things are and he may never change.
Don't suffer in silence any longer. Ask him to take you out more often. Ask him questions about his life. Involve yourself in his life. don't wait for him to tell you what he did or what's he going to do. He may never tell you. Ask him.
Remember you are an individual on your own. You can't be making others happy, if you're not. Be firm and stand up for your rights. Let your voice be heard. This doesn't mean that you are being rude or misbehaving. This is just standing up for yourself. You are always worried about pleasing him but is he doing the same for you? Do not neglect your own happiness. You are feeling very lonely in your marriage. Don't bottle up those feelings. Let your husband know how you feel.
Don't be a servant to your husband because this is what it seems like at the moment. He gets home, eats , sleeps, whatever and goes with his friends. It's like you invisible in his life. Sister he needs to make you his best friend. He should be taking you out, sharing his thoughts, fears and happiness with you. Ask him to spend less time with his friiends and more time with you.
Sister you mentioned that your husband he spends alot of time going out with friends, coming home late, going out of town. Could it really be his friends that he is going out with? You also mentioned that he doesn't want to take you anywhere. Could it be that he doesn't want to be seen with you or that he is afraid that someone might see you'll together. Sister this is just an assumption. I could be wrong.
Rumaysa
Salaam my Siser,
I agree with Wael so I will not repeat his words.
You are not a pet that stays at home at waits for it's master and asks to be taken for walks. You are a human being with thoughts, feelings and emotions.
You need more than shelter and the occasional walk, and that is OK and there is nothing wrong with that.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Great responses, all of them.
Sister, you are young. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? Is this how the Prophet (pbuh) treated his wives?
Sister, you deserve more. May Allah (swt) give you strength to talk to your husband and stand up for your rights, and may Allah (swt) protect you in it. And, if your husband does not change, then you may have a tough decision to make.
In my opinion, men don't respect women who are too soft. Don't get me wrong, they want us to have a sweet side, but they also want to know that we have a backbone. Yes we are to be respectful to our husbands, but our husbands are to be gracious to us as well. We are garments for them, and they are garments for us.
Where Re the responses to the sister's questions/ issue according to the Quran and Sunna? We all feel fo her but we must provide proper nasihaah acccording to Quran and Sun.ah. if there is someone who can do so, please assisy the sister.
http://islamqa.info/en/ref/87834
Assalamu aleikum sister!
I got really sad reading your post, it also reminded me of my own situation before.
The answers given above are really good ma sha Allah so there is not much left to say. Sister, you must break that bad "circle" because no one else will do it for you.
A husband may prevent his wife from leaving the house, but you need to ask yourself why is he doing it, while he himself is out meeting friends. That is not a healthy marriage. He should take you out! And of course you do have right to fresh air, shop etc. Ask yourself what is going to happen if/when Allah grant you children? For your own good, speak to your husband and put a stop to this. You are not a prisoner.
May Allah swt make it easier for you.
Your sister in Islam
Do the same thing he does. Leave the house, don't tell him when you are coming back, talk on the phone while he is there and see how he feels.
Also: start working and get your own life.
You cannot rely on him.
Greetings
Be a real independent women, you should not be subservant to your husband. Islam needs to grow with the times it is far too restrictive in too many countries for women. Thank God it is slowly changing. Men have screwed up this world for too long, most women are far more spiritually aware then most men.