Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I wrong to feel satisfied with whomever I am marrying?

Broken marrige, marrige falling apart due to lack of communication, intimacy etc

I have a question to ask and I need the advice what Islam says about this: I am 36 years old, divorce and have 3 years old daughter. I had a love marriage and without my parents will, well I realized right after my marriage that it was my mistake and I admit it. Now after 3 years been divorce my parents wants me to get married again, first I don’t want to but then I realized that my daughter needs a father in her life because he left her and me when she was 6 days old.

I told my family that I will re marry again but if I don’t feel comfort from inside for whoever they decide for me I am not going to take the step. I don’t know if it’s wrong to feel the satisfaction in my heart, if it’s wrong to know that if the person is financially stable, if it’s wrong to make sure if that person will accept my daughter as well and will love her and take care of her as he will do his own child, do I have a right to say no to the person who is almost 13 to 15 years older than me. I am an educated working independent person, fully support my daughter and me, I need to know is it wrong in Islam to have some mutual understanding before marriage just to make sure if that’s the right person or if I can live my whole life with that person. This is my second time and I have a responsibility with me and I have to make sure that if she will comfortable as well with that person.

Am I wrong to have all these thoughts?? My family thinks marriage is compromise, and everyone will adjust once they get married. They think I was wrong and I am wrong. I am stupid that’s why I end up in this situation. I am a selfish mother that’s why I am thinking and asking as this, they think this is my second time marriage and whoever will agree to marry me I should thankful to that person and just go for it because I am divorce and have kid, regardless if that person also divorce and have kid because it doesn't matter for man's in our society.

They just keep bring my x husband and my past and keep accusing me. I try so hard to close that chapter and move on but every other day someone from my family will bring him or what I did and it’s so hard for me to move on and then I feel that hater ness inside me for men and marriage and it makes me more angry. I admit that it was my fault I am also human, and human can make mistakes but it doesn't mean that I have to remember that my entire life or get blame for it every day and keep reminding myself what I did. When Allah Subhana Allah forgives his sinners then why we have to keep reminds others for their sins.

I am very much confuse and hurt as well because, If I try to make them understand my thoughts my concerns and my fear, it ends up in the argument, which I never wants to and then my mother stop talking to me and then everyone else make me feel guilty. They keep telling me that I am not a good daughter and my mother has to go through with all this because of me. I am so scared to marriage that if I can I would never ever take that step. But I understand its sunnah and I am willing to do it. I also told them that do whatever you want and just let me know, don’t worry about my happiness bcz if marriage and life is all about the compromise than what’s the point if I am happy or satisfied, but they are not even agree with that either

I need to know if I am wrong, and I just do what my family wants for me to do and make them happy. If worrying about all that is wrong? Is all my points are wrong? It’s very simple and easy to advise when others are standing outside your box. I ask Allah for his guidance all the time and I believe that he always help me and he did, but I am scared that Allah also doesn't like us to hurt our parents either, I cry every night because I want to be happy like others around me, I see happy couple and I feel like why me in this pain. I am very exhausted, frustrated and tired of this same argument in my house.

I feel very hurt and worth less because that what they make me feel. It felt that divorce is like a life taking disease and every single person seen me like I am the most worthless and biggest sinner because I have this label of divorce with me. Is Allah ever going to listen me at least and take all my pains away and make me happy and satisfied like others? I need advice where I am wrong??


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5 Responses »

  1. Salamis sister
    First of all I don't think any low of you. We all make mistakes and may Allah swt forgives us. But the main thing is have you learnt from your mistakes?
    First time round you didn't listen to your family and took your own decision. All I can say that what ever advice parents gives us maybe in the beginning it sound unfair and harsh but in the end when you see it its always right. I'm speaking from experience and knowledge. I'm sure you will feel the Same when your daughters growing up and you'll advice her, that's when you'll say "wished I listen to my parents"
    Sister do an Istikhara Allah will truly guide you with this second marriage. Also sister no matter how big the age gap is as a wife Islam gives you so many benefits so no you don't have to forfeit for any of your desires.
    Sister you have single handedly raised your daughter, you have every right to ask your questions and have anxieties.
    May Allah guide you (ameen)

  2. Asalamu alikum,

    Never let anyone pressure you to marry if you are not comfortable. You are not selfish for being picky, and you have been married and know its not a walk in the park and want to make sure you dont just marry any joe shmoe. Marriage is not about hey lets get married and we can figure it out later- you need to make sure the person is compatible with you.

    Your parents dont have to live with this man, but you do so its really up to you to agree. If you dont, then the marriage is not valid.

    Whenever your parents suggest you marry someone you are not comfortable with- just politely disagree (dont let it get to you) and maybe have a discussion with them about what you are looking for so they can be your allies and not a negative force.

  3. Ya, sister, so what? You made a mistake and now your family is wrong for holding it against you for too long. You are not stupid, and I think this time you have a real head for practical thinking. You have two to think about now, so make sure the new husband, whoever he is, is an honest, Godly man with a strong deen to guide you and little baby girl. That is what is Islamic. May Allah swt make it easy for you 🙂 salams.

  4. Assalamu Alaykum

    Dear Sister, after reading this post it was very hard to stop my tears, And also I prayed for you. Firstly don't worry for the people who will hurt by reminding your past, Just have a great faith in Allah and ask to him and try for your marriage to a person who is good in deen . InshaAllah Allah will make every thing easy for you.



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