Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Feeling very depressed once again today. Past sins and terribly narcissistic parents. Do all parents hold grudges with their child?

pain hurt

I am the same woman that posted here 3 months back. I got a lot of help from brothers and sisters here. I was contacted recently on a muslim board by psychologist who helped me a lot too but even now there is one particular thing that keeps coming my mind which I feel too embarrassed to talk to even the psychologist about. the link to my previous questions.

Should I end this sad life? Sexually abused by brothers, terrible narcissistic parents and now guilt is killing me. Please help me

Some members from here have even contacted me and helped me on email but I needed help again and decided to come here.

In brief...

Like you know from my previous post. I live in New york and am fromIndia.

I am 37 now and so these incidents happened almost 20 years back, in the year 1995-96 etc.

I was sexually molested by 3 people: my uncle at age 5, my older brother at age 11, and oldest brother at age 13 or 14.

I have a terribly narcisstic mother. She has ruined my life in many ways. She had a daughter for the sake of having a complete family but as soon as I became older she started competing, got jealous of me and till this if I die because of the stress it's all been given by her. My dad is her puppet.

My older brothers had several broken engagements and one broken marriage thanks to my parents. The older brothers wife took so much stress after her divorce that she passed away at age 37 in her sleep a few years after the divorce.

I have a wonderful husband who I married to make my parents happy at age 23. I wanted to escape my verbally abusive and emotionally abusive parents. They beat me only sometimes but something happened in childhood that made me forget all my childhood memories and I became mute in front of my dad and all strangers.  I would whisper what I wanted to my mother.

At age 32 when I got pregnant my parents under the pretext to help me came to USA. They are very to do in India. They kept spending time with my brothers and ignored me, made me very sad and stressed and lonely and went back before the child was born.

2 months after they left, I lost my baby in. the final month of pregnancy all of a sudden. Even after that my parents were never close to me. Again I got one chance to have another baby which would be the last baby and they came here and troubled me a lot and fought with me and my husband as soon as he was born and left me alone.

All this stress has played with my mind terribly.

Now the thing is, at 16 I had become a rebel and was having an affair with a hindu guy of same age. In my home we were never made to focus on Islam much.

In ignorance me and this guy did everything except have sex. One time I even did oral sex on him. Now you can see why I feel embarassed to talk all this to anyone and come here for help. If I don't get help here I cannot go anywhere. Anyways I was 17 or so then. I got caught then also would cling to him.

My parents took lot of stress. My dad always had blood pressure but around that age he started medicines. My mom also used to get racing heart beat all my stress. They got high cholesterol too. In 2006 that means 10 years later they got some heart blockage but by then I was married and gone.

Then again I got involved at age 19 with a handsome muslim guy. My parents approved of him but I broke up with him as he was very weird which I realised later.

Now my problem is I blame myself for my parents' health issues and I feel I deserved all the abuse they gave me. I mean they didn't even know I was a sexual abuse victim. So for them I was a teenager gone crazy.

When I broke up with my first boyfriend (the hindu guy) my dad said sadly we don't even know if she has done zina. I felt so bad and then I think my mom went and asked the guy if we did zina and the guy assured her we didn't. Because she told dad no she doesn't think I did it.

Many years later when she was talking to me she told me she is happy I was a virgin when I got married and that really matters etc.

Now my problem is these parents are the kind that can kill you with stress so I am keeping my distance and do the bare minimum that islam suggests. I call them often and keep distance otherwise. It makes me still guilty because

1) I think.of the health problems I caused them unknowingly.

2) I think about how I deserve their abuse for being a brat and a bad girl in teen years

3) worst of all I keep thinking what if that boyfriend told my mom about the oral sex I did to him once and everything else that we did... How much she must have hated me and that no wonder she treated me so badly all these 20 years. I tried to make them happy by marrying right man and never gave them stress after marriage also. I took their emotional abuse quietly etc never complained but was it enough given my sordid past?

I feel so much stress just thinking it, that I feel like finding the hindu guy thru Facebook etc and asking him what all he told my mom. She knew I went to his place once in the relationship and asked me how I could go, what if he had raped me along with friends etc, so he did tell her that...

Please can you here reason with me. Tell me why I can't stop thinking this part and is this kind of treatment from parents normal for girls that rebelled in teenage years. If my mother knows then do I deserve the abuse?


I feel so lonely with parents that are mentally so sick they cannot love me.

I want to live please help me. Please try not to put me down, if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything as again today I am very vulnerable.

Also I hope here I won't be preached about islams rules on parents.

I have followed everything since some 16-17 years. My parents are indeed very selfish and my mom has NPD for sure.

Even today she is busy ruining my brothers' lives.

I turned to islam more n more after getting a very pious husband who hasn't left one salat since he was a teenager. He showed me more guidance and since many years I pray and fast and do tauba and love Allah, but why are these thoughts coming back? Help me please once again.


Tagged as: , , , , , , ,

11 Responses »

  1. salam
    sister please tell me that which Muslim board you contacted and how you contacted to physiologist on net because I am also very worried and depressed I wanted to get help from someone because I can not discuss my problem to my family members yesterday I post my problem in comment of yesterday post but editors deleted that because no one replied me and I also request them to delete that due to privacy because of that I do not want to submit my problem because once it get post it will not be deleted and I also want help plz give me some guide that what I should do because I am very depressed feeling guilty and shame for about six months plZ someone give me some advice what I should do.

  2. Dear sister,

    I am no religious expert nor an extremely religious person. But I do believe in one thing that gets me through the tough days although no where compared to yours, God is the merciful, he forgives those who seek,remorse and be the best they can, honest,kind, etc. First, you should ask God for forgiveness if you haven't done yet. And as for your parents, I think you should speak to them about your abuse, and confront your brothers and uncle and stop any contact with them if they show no remorse or guilt. All parents usually go through hell during their children's teenage years, and every parent is different, try speaking to your parents about how you feel, I know it might be the hardest thing to do, but trying will teach something about your parents and yourself. I hope this helps, and remember one thing we are all here temporarily, God knows that everything and does everything thing for a reason, even if makes us go through hell. God has a plan for everyone and our bad and good experiences shape our,current personality, can bring the best out of us or the worst.. We just have to,make sure we continue to,do the right thing even if seems impossible and God will help you. These are my beliefs I wish you all best and just speak to God he is the only one who knows and understands..

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    If your mother has npd, you have to understand that this will heavily impact you especially as you begin understanding the past.

    1) You can't change the past, so why allow the thoughts of it become a weapon against you? Instead, use the past as a means of building a better future. Give your children the childhood that you wanted and protect them while bringing awareness to them at the right times. Use the negativity as a tool, not a way to break you down.

    2) Do not seek to be understood. Many people who have loving parents cannot concieve of how a mother and/or father could treat their children the way an npd parent would--some may think they understand and brush it off as "that's just normal" and tell you to "get over it." Parenting is a huge responsibility and should never be taken lightly just because the value of parents in our Deen is so high. So, when you can, forgive your parents as you can't forget the pain they have caused or are causing. Keep them at a healthy distance and never let them negatively impact your relationship with your husband and children. Do not feel guilty for protecting your family from what you know is best. Do not seek to prove to others that this is right. If it is right and you know it, be confident.

    3) You can't really remove bad thoughts especially if you have ocd. Instead, try to flood them out with good memories you make with your husband and family and make dhikr when you feel overwhelmed. Practice this all the time. The better you practice, the better you will get at controlling your thoughts. Allowing your thoughts to run without a leash will cause you pain and affect your mood and make you feel that you have no control when in fact, you do.

    4) Whatever you did when you were a teenager, seek Allah swt's forgiveness. Accept that this was wrong and realize that only Allah swt can forgive you. As for your parents, you didn't make them into who they are--that is their responsibility, just as your children don't define you.

    5) No one deserves abuse. Ever. Especially from a parent. I am sure you would never consider doing that to your own children..

    6) Keep on going to counselling. Don't seek understanding from people because you already have it from Allah swt. Protect your thoughts, your family and respect yourself through not allowing anyone to disrespect you.

    7) Yes, you want your parents to love you--but if they truly have npd, this will probably not happen. You are not alone, there are other people whose parents have deliberately abandoned their children and family. It is painful. Cry, let it out, and then ask Allah swt for guidance. Ask Allah swt to make you successfully and gracefully pass through the trials and tribulations that you face. The pain may not go away, but pain can live along with peace in us--seek that peace and hold onto it close.

    May Allah swt help you to heal, Ameen.

  4. Shayan that lady lives in usa and her counsels for a fee. Its by phone. If you are interested let me know.

    Saba: I am very happy to see yoiu response. You already know my story. The problem is I dnt even know if they are npd. i wish someone wpuod just tell me yes they seem very npd to me. You know it will make me free mentally to know my parents have a disorder. What do you think sister, you know about npd. All my life I have never trusted my own thoughts and opinions and now again I need validation for this also.

    The thing is I keep thinking I deserved the abuse keep finding excuses and justifications for their behavior to me and thats what pains me.

    • Assalam alaikum,

      In my opinion, they are NPD--but my opinion is not fact.

      I can tell you this though, when parents intentionally hurt their children the way that yours did or have little or no regard for the feelings of their children, it is not normal--the fact that you don't know that this isn't normal only speaks to how their painful actions distorted your idea of normal. Talk to the pscyhologist and do not be so confused about what is wrong.

      This does get tricky--even though you're parents have treated you the way that they have it is best to keep them at a safe distance. You are a married women who has obligation to protect her family--you mentioned earlier how they treat your husband--so you should be wise in how you deal with your parents without feeling guilty--inn shaa Allah, you will be able to manage all this.

      • Assalamalaikum Sisters

        @SABA: As always very positive, solution orientated and supportive n intelligent response from sister saba. And all other like sisterZ, brother wael, amy very positive and solution orientated response. Thank you so much and reading old post and response from all you guys.
        But whn i read some comment but so curious to knw does anyone respond that your respond is so much helpful and help lot. Allah make you people and all people who responds and has concern about other people among people of As-Saabiqun(The Foremost Ones 56:10), Al-Muqarrabun(The nearest Ones to Allah 56:11) and Al-Mukhlaseen(Pure Worsippers 39:83)

        Sister Sana :
        Dont you think your sins already forgiven?
        People of bani israel use to ask prophet go and ask your allah to gives food or do this or do that and allah had done for them, but even after seen so many signs and they do not accept. Even after seen so many signs, whn someone dont accept and thanks allah than that person is in great loss. Allah love people who thanks whn good is bestowed and he will give more.
        Please thanks for wht you have already and see the signs of ur forgiveness.
        You got married to one who is pious , caring and loving, you gifted with healthy child, and most important you are close to allah swt as he is correcting and punishing you for ur small and big sin instantly. Its more than enough that allah had gifted you, most people dont even get guidance to repent and acknowledge to accept sins. Acknowledge sin and repenting on it is blessing in itself.

        we all feel so sorry , for what happen to you and we all acknowledge its was not ur fault, and wht u did is just reaction of ur past. Allah created us for his worship and to spread islam. Life of Umma of muhammad sallallahu alaihi wasallam is around 60-70 and you had already lived half of it and what happen in ur past is bugging you, please dont ruin ur present and future, and i knw its very hard wht we are asking to do, but look into ur sons eye and think abt him. Children can easily see and know something is wrong, and it will effect him if you dont forget your past.

        You need allah swt to be your counselor and talk to allah i mean literary talk to him. Pray salat and in sajda(at this moment one is very close to him) talk to him and share your feeling. Keep your self busy in dua, zikar, astagfar, hadith and learning/spreading islam. Learn and memorize short sura or ayat like surah baqara 2:284-286 or surah al hashr 59:22-24 and try to use in salat. Keep busy in increasing your emaan and help your mom and talk to him about ur kid, work on her emaan and make her repent on her deed and help her.

        Inshallah in 1 week I am going to memorize surah baqara 2:284-286 and will try to use in my salat. Are you up for challenge sister. Please challenge ur self and help other to overcome there burden.

        If i offended you please forgive me.

        Jazakallah Khair

        • Brother Abdul thank you do much. You have followed my past thread I believe. Thank you for saying my sins.seem to have been forgiven because of how much Allah has though right now since years in fact i.beg him.for.mental.peace. i.beh him.yo.let me accept my parents are not nitmal.and nor.feel.guilty anymore . I have not seen.normalcy in life so.doubt everything

          • Assalamalikum Sister Sana

            I read your old story and also read old stories of other people back till 2009. Its very learning experience and full of wisdom. I never thought Muslim men and women are in such condition. I am discussing some of issue with my room mate and we all are in shock. We all ask allah swt to help in matter of stress but whn i saw post from our bro and sis, make us say Alhumduillah and wht we were are going through is noting.
            Just one more thing i wanna add, think positive and just imagine hw is ur hubby is feeling whn he look, he need you and ur kid need you. Life is short sister and we need to engage our self in dawa and zikar. Get a friend circle and do potluck and dont share ur past with other tink abt future and set some goals. Goals like reading quran, hadith, memorizing new surah, working with kid, talking to non muslim sister regarding islam and whn she ask u challenging question try to find answer.

            I challenge you sister and u didnt accept my challenge 🙁
            I am almost done 284 and 285.

            Jzakallah Khair.

      • Thank you saba
        Yes I don't even know if it's normal. I don't know if parents treat their kids badly if the kid was out of line at some point but later reformed. I.dont know if.its normal for parents to hold grudges even take revenge for their kids past behavior even after the child had turned normal again.

        My counselor tells me you became the person you did also because of your parents bad choices. But i.doubt even that sometimes.

        I feel.beyywe to.see your validation about npd thank you sis saba

        • You are a parent--would you take revenge against your children? Do you find yourself repeating your parents behaviour or ensuring you do not repeat what they did? If you are intentionally avoiding their parenting style, this will tell you a lot about what is and isn't normal.

  5. Thank you Saba and Abdul. Abdul I will take the challenge but after some time because right now my mind is so cluttered I cannot memorize anything in fact I keep forgetting even basic day to day things 🙂 please pray brother that I find peace. you friends were shocked when they heard painful life ? I feel so much like this is one place where people really.understand and have true empathy so thank you again.

    Saba I am glad you know so.much about NPD parents.
    I want to.ask something and the advice you give me will really help me.

    1) How do replace memories of what I have done wrong as a teen to my dad eepecially. I remember him telling my mother he is so.upset etc and I have done such a big sin etc by getting involved with the guy. My dad is a lot like my mother but he is still a bit better.
    My husband tells me to replace it with a memory where you made him happy and also a memory where he made you unhappy example when he was shouting and fighting with me 2 days after my child's birth on my mom's instigation.

    2) Everyone in the forums I became a rebel because of my sexual abuse but I feel even my parents neglect especially mothers contributed to it. I feel my parents though didn't know.I was abused sexually and it must have been a shock to them to see how I became a.rebel in my teen years. I feel bad about this because they had no idea why.

    3) in case my mother knows everything about my past life even to the smallest details of what I did with the guy then does she still have no right to carry that resentment with her till now almost till 18 years right ?
    I keep feeling that if she knows every detail she's sneaky and ccold have asked the guy directly maybe she thinks I even had sex THEN the abuse is somewhat justified.

    Saba can you help me sister clear words that even then it's not justified if you think it's not. It lot

Leave a Response