Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My fiance has Asperger’s, and I am not attracted to him

Man with guilty woman in the background (cheating)

Can't stand the nerd!

Today's date is 7/18/2014.

I've been engaged to my fiancé since January. I've been talking to him since September of last year. He has everything I want in a man, except I'm not attracted to him or his personality. I feel like he's just someone I talk to when I'm bored.

I am currently 20 years old. When I was 17, I had a boyfriend for 2-3 years. He was a muslim, but not a good practicing muslim. He also hurt me very much. I lost my virginity to him. I loved him more than anything. I wanted to marry him. I also had an abortion. I'm not proud of these things, and I made tobah in June 2013. I tried to turn my life around. I made a 360 change. Those who knew me from before were shocked at how much I changed.

I then met my fiancé two months later. I wasn't interested from the start, but my mother guilted me into it. My family was devastated from my previous relationship (only my older brother knows of the abortion, and my mom only knows of my virginity). I guess that's why my mom rushed to get me married. my dad was not in favor.

But I said yes as a sacrifice for my mom. I'm not attracted to him- not sexually, romantically, or intimately. I find him embarrassing in public. I don't feel proud to call him my fiancé. He is an excellent man, however. He's 24, a practicing muslim, wealthy, comes from a very nice family, respects me and loves me, gives me my freedom, and supports me in every way. But he is not attractive, nor does he have socialization skills. He's very smart, and graduated from UPenn (an ivy league school).

In his childhood he came in first place in math. He's also a chess champion. So basically he's a bit of a nerd, and I'm his polar opposite. I'm average in studies, yet I don't like the things he likes. I'm more outgoing, and I enjoy being outdoors and at parties and socializing.

So last month I had enough and I did isthikara. I saw nothing and felt confused. The second day of isthikara I found out he has Asperger's syndrome, which is a mild form of autism. This explains his personality, him talking with his eyes closed, talking very loudly in public, no social skills, his awkwardness, etc.

I've told him that I'm not really interested and that I'm on the fence. He's devastated. My family is leaving this decision to me, but they feel I should sick with him because of what he has to offer. I don't know what to do, as I cannot bear him touching me- let alone sleeping with him. I don't want to be in public with him, or go anywhere with him. I'm sorry to sound vulgar, but it's how I feel.

-zarazain

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6 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    I think that one of the first things you need to do is to find out more about Asperger's syndrome, so that you can understand the ways in which your fiance thinks and sees the world. A couple of useful resources to look at would be the Royal College of Psychiatrists website (www.rcpsych.ac.uk - go to their section on health advice, and you'll find several links to information about Asperger's syndrome) and the National Autistic Society (www.autism.org.uk). Both of these are UK-based and in English (translations are available for some of the articles, though).

    It sounds like this guy has a lot of good qualities - he's practising, he treats you well, he's intelligent and hard-working - but that doesn't necessarily mean he's the right guy for you. Take some time, find out about Asperger's syndrome, and make sure that you make the right decision for you.

    Some of the things you mention feeling uncomfortable about are things that the two of you might be able to change - for example, he may not realise when he is making a social faux-pas, but if you tell him "in this situation, don't do X, do Y instead", then he can start to build up a picture of what he should do in a particular situation.

    Talking with his eyes closed is actually pretty understandable when you think about it from his perspective. Often, people with autism or Asperger's syndrome can be very sensitive to external stimuli (noise, light, movements, textures), and it can be difficult to filter things out in order to concentrate on the bits that other "neurotypical" people find important. By closing his eyes, he may be filtering out some of the stimuli so that he can concentrate on the bits that matter to you or to other people.

    You don't have to marry him if you don't want to. If you don't think the two of you are compatible, and you don't want to try to build a life with him, then it would be unfair on you and on him to enter into an unwanted marriage. Both of you deserve to be able to have a spouse with whom you can feel comfortable and share your lives.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  2. OP: The second day of isthikara I found out he has Asperger's syndrome, which is a mild form of autism. This explains his personality, him talking with his eyes closed, talking very loudly in public, no social skills, his awkwardness, etc.

    Did you find out he has Asperger's by doing Isthikara or that is a diagnosis given by a physician?

  3. Sister,

    You don't marry a person to make someone else happy. This man sounds like a beautiful person and has many wonderful qualities however, he isn't the "one" for you. Rather than try to appease your mother, just be honest with this guy and let him know that you don't feel any chemistry between you. You deserve to be happy and this brother deserves a woman who will love and appreciate his differences.

    Salam

  4. I would say if you are not attracted to him and are generally not happy with the engagement then don't marry him, that's not fair on neither of you and will only result on further marital issues after the marriage. It is better to cry for one day than the rest of your life.

  5. Salaams,

    Sometimes people think that if they are not attracted to someone, if they give it some time they will have a change of feelings because the other person's positive qualities will win out.

    There are instances where this happens, but the question is, how long are you willing to wait and see? You've already been engaged since the beginning of the year, and nothing has changed so far. Do you think a few more months or a year from now it will be any different?

    In my experience, if someone's feelings dont change within the first 90 days or so, they probably won't at all. It's ok to turn down a proposal because you don't feel like a suitable match. There are men out there that will be more similar to your personality and who you will feel more attracted to, and I suggest you be open to meeting them before making a commitment as serious as marriage.

    Not only that, but there are women who would adore someone like your fiance, who wouldn't struggle with attraction to him and find his personality and quirks to be charming. Do you have it in your heart to deny him the opportunity to be with someone who would love him more than you feel capable of doing? His happiness counts, too.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. is your mom going to marry him? So why do you marry him for your parents sake?

    You are the one who is going to be with him, so you need to get over pleasing other people and just tell the poor guy that you wasted a year of his life and that you dont want to be with him.

    Tell your parents I refuse to marry someone i dont like and will not sign anything- ie a marriage contract unless I am happy with my husband.

    You are not ready for marriage so dont get married. Dont make this more complicated and draw this out longer than it needs to be. Cut it off now and be at peace.

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