Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My fiance has a big anger problem

anger management

I have been engaged to my cousin since last year. He is an angry man, uses abusive language , and has no control on his temper. I don't really know if he love me or  not. He says that he loves me, but the problem is that he abuses me whenever he loses his temper. He also stops me from going to any of my uncle's homes, and tells me not to meet with any of my cousins because they have purposed me. So please make me understand what I should do. Please.

Please help me to finish this problem, because I think putting restrictions on someone meeting with you means that the person doubts you. And using abusive language as well, isn't it bad? What should I do from Islamic point of view? Help me.  Jazakallah.


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7 Responses »

  1. Bad temper, abuses you and a control freak. He is showing the signs, I would steer clear. If he is making you miserable now just imagine what will happen after. From an Islamic point of view, you should find someone with good character and religion.


  2. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    I completely agree with Br. Ahmed.

    So far his character, according to you, is best described as an angry, controlling, abusive man with no control on his temper--you or him might argue that it is only when he is angry that he does this--but that is when it is particularly important for a good husband to show good character.

    The only reason I can see you wanting to proceed with this marriage is if you feel pressured into it OR fear of not finding someone else. In both cases, it is better to be alone than with the likes of a man as you described.

    I strongly suggest that you walk away and don't look back--find someone who is more Islamically-inclined. May Allah make it ease for you, Ameen.

  3. I agree with the above two comments. Steer clear of him. If it is like this when you are engaged it will likely get worse when you are married.advice him to go into anger management.

  4. Asslamolaium ,

    It is your decision if you want to continue or break this .
    Some brothers and sisters have asked you to search more Islamically inclined boy but in that case you still will end up in situation where he might ask you to avoid mixing with male cousins (which is right) , asking for Hijab etc etc .
    So you need to DECIDE what you want .There are certain people who are fine to girls mixing with male cousins as they are family but as per islamiic rule you can't mix up with them ..

    Allah knows the best

    Allah hafiz

  5. Assalamualaykum sister

    Please leave this relationship. If he is doing this to you now, before you are even married, imagine how bad it could be once you're married. You already feel so scared and uncomfortable, it's a sign from Allah that He is trying to prevent you from going through with this. How can someone who claims to love you prevent you from visiting your own family? It's not as if you're going to do haram things, just building family ties. The simple fact that you are distressed by this shows that this is really hurting you. You seem very soft, Alhamdulillah, and that could be why he feels he can treat you so badly.

    Only a love that leads you to Allah is a pure and heartfelt love, anything else is not.

    I think that you should make Istikhaara again and ask Allah to guide your to make the right decision that is best for your Deen and Imaan in this world and the Hereafter. Speak to your parents and explain how you feel. They love you and will want what makes you happy. They won't be happy to see a boy making their daughter this upset, before she is even married.

    We can't change people, we can oney change ourselves. I would advise stepping out of this relationship and Inshallah, Allah will send you the right person at the right time.

    May Allah guide you through this and give you the strength and wisdom to make the right decision, Ameen.

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    If you are being subjected to abusive language, aggression and controlling behaviour from this guy even before marriage, then I'd advise not going ahead with the marriage. Before nikah, this guy is not your mahram, so shouldn't be interacting with you as though he is, or attempting to control you. Islamically, you have the right to decline a proposal if you don't feel it is right for you - we are told to look for deen and character as the most important elements when considering a potential spouse, and this guy's character may well be an issue if he is treating you badly.

    If you have already had your nikah (I know some families consider nikah to be an engagement rather than a marriage, even though it is an Islamic marriage), then Islamically the two of you would be married. In that situation, I'd suggest involving both families, trying to address the issues of his anger and need for control (you could ask him to see a therapist?), but still not tolerating abuse. If you are in this situation and the guy is abusive to you, leave - go to your parents for a period, file for divorce when you're in a safe place such as your parents' house. There is never an excuse for abusive behaviour, and we should not feel we have to tolerate it.

    If you haven't already, I'd suggest talking to your mum about how you feel and the worries that you have. She can then, inshaAllah, support you with whatever decisions you make.

    Remember as well, that if this guy is not your mahram, you will need to make sure you are observing appropriate limits, such as covering your awrah and avoiding private communication or 1:1 settings.

    Midnightmoon editor

  7. I agree with those a woman who is not married when ever yu parying to ALLAH. To get yu someone who is more religious calm and has good moral viewssss...if yu think yu can't take it any more pray before lookin back

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