Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Fiance said he wants to convert to Islam but changed his mind, should I move on?

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Salaam brothers and sisters,

I have been in a forbidden relationship with a man ever since I was 15 years old and I was in love with him. He is one year younger than me. We have loved each other for 5 years and just recently asked me to marry him. We got engaged this year. At first I was not practicing Islam, but last year I have renewed my beliefs after watching many videos of Islam and grew a better understanding of Islam. During that time I have given him the videos to watch and told him that was my beliefs and tried to clear any misconceptions of my religion that he may have. He found out that since I am a Muslim woman I can not marry anyone but a Muslim man, and he told me that he will convert soon for me. He believes in God and he says he does not believe in Jesus being God's son.

His mother is a practicing Christian but is in a homosexual relationship/marriage with another woman, which had made me wonder if I really wanted my kids to be raised around her. His sister is a strict Christian who does not like me. When I would explain my religion to him, it would seem like he would listen but then he would change the topic very quickly or just stay silent as if it was a chore listening to me talk about Allah(swt) and what it means to be a muslim. It started to feel as if he was not interested in my Islam. He also watched a video called "Unthinkable" which portrays Muslims negatively and he does not want to grow a beard. If i ask him if he would pray five times a day, he says he will but he is very lazy.

He eats pork, and lies to me about not eating it. He drinks on some occasions. I have told him to visit an Islamic Center and he has not been going, saying many things such as there has been flood warnings, it was too far away, nobody wants to drive him there, etc. Every time he tells me he will do it he never does. So I let it go for a while and decided to give him a break. He has been through a lot in his life, he was born premature and almost died after birth, he has been in special ed for years in school, he is pretty slow and does not have intellectual conversations with me, his brother has died from being shot at age 8, his parents split up, he had to move away from me, it is hard for him to get a job, they would get kicked out of his house every year, he has just gave up his dog this week , his cat went missing, and his uncle passed away.

The reason why I was so attached to him was because I helped him so much in making him happy for the first time after his brother's death. I have explained to him over and over that maybe Allah has been giving him so much hardship in his life so he could turn to Him but he just does not want to let go of his current life. He does not want to be the outcast in his family, or be picked and bullied on, he does not want to give up eating pork and haraam things.

He texted me 2 days ago and randomly told me that he does not think he can be muslim. He said that the only reason why he wanted to be a muslim was to marry me. He knew that I would be upset but he was not prepared for what I did afterwards. I cried because I held onto him for so long, the pain was so hard for me and I did not know what I was going to do. It was then when I realized that nothing good can come out of something that was haraam in the first place. I did what I had to do and the next day after thinking for a while I decide to break up with him abruptly. He was shocked but did not take it seriously. I have decided even as painful as it is that I want to sacrifice my love for him for Allah (swt). This has made a huge difference in my feelings as right now I am not feeling the strong pain of heartache nor am I crying but I feel this strong urge to get married to a pious brother who is strong in his deen.

Alhamdulilah I have became strong but I still do have weak moments when Shaytan gives me flashbacks of the wonderful past I had with him. Whenever I have these flashbacks I would force myself to think to myself that this life is only 60-100 years max and the years go by so fast, before we know it we will be dead and facing Allah (swt) who will decide our faith. I will have to choose either marrying him anyway and lead a whole life of having sins piling up to the sky because in Allah's eyes our marriage is invalid (the sin of fornication every minute of the day for as long as I am with him) or let him go and find a pious man who loves Allah (swt) first and then love and respect me the halal. Since I am in love with him still I think to myself that maybe I can't have him in this life but in the next life inshAllah I might get him and we can continue our relationship then or if he is in Hell Allah might give me someone who is like him or better. This works very well for me.

But I want to know, if he ends up converting later on in his life, should I take him back or move on for good? It may never happen and he may say a lot of things to get me back but I can't help but wonder.

- Pepper

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15 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    It sounds like you know in your heart you know you are on the right path; that what was going on was not meant to be at this time and that Allah is looking out for your best interests. Even though this is painful for a time, we always look back with gratitude because we can see the final outcome.

    Sister, don't worry about "what if he converts in the future". We never truly know what the future holds. Your happy memories want to entice you to think about this so you can put a false hope into a possible future with him, a future that is very likely never to come about. Part of letting go means not only letting go of the past that has happened, but letting go of the future we may have hoped for or dreamed of.

    Trust this, Allah has a beautiful future for you, one that InshaAllah includes a spouse who will love you and cherish you as much as you do him. Put your focus and attention on to becoming ready to meet that person more than trying to figure out who that person may or may not be.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salaam Amy,

      I have made my final decision as to let him go completely, meaning if he even did decide to convert in the future & seek my hand in marriage I will not accept him. I will never trust him & will never know if he is doing to please me or to please Allah (swt) as he is a liar & I regret every moment I spent being with him & disobeying Allah(swt). Thank you so much for helping me make that decision, may Allah(swt) reward you continuously.

      -Pepper

  2. As salamu alaykum, Pepper,

    Certainly, seems that you knew from the begining the results of this relationship, lies are not a good foundation, now you are back on track and you know exactly what you want, Alhamdulillah.

    Your vision of your children growing up in that enviroment shows the maturity of your beliefs and your consciousness of the responsibility you have towards the other human beings, a relationship is really tested when you have children, this is a wise vision, masha´Allah.

    He holds on you because you are strong and soft hearted, don´t confuse dependancy with love, you are a good person to have around, you solve problems, bring possitive views, have a clean heart, ...

    He will emotional blackmail you, don´t enter this situation and move on with your life.

    Your Presence is a blessing, Alhamdulillah, keep striving, you have seen already the sun behind the clouds, Alhamdulillah.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salaam Maria M,

      5+ years of my life wasted on this man, who has even cheated on me & left me for an atheist girl. I have lost my mind the first time he left, I took him back as soon as he was over her, but this time I had much control over myself. When I broke up with him for the sake of Allah, I have not felt pain or loss. It was as if instantly I have lost my feelings for him. It's true sometimes I do think about the good times, but I felt that it was wrong to imagine a future with him because only Allah can grant me that future, i had no right to picture something that never happened yet in my head.

      I also feel that's how most women/men get trapped in a false relationship, when they start to imagine their future with their significant other. They create children, a nice home, marriage, all in their head & I think that is what's so hard to let go of. Fortunately for me i have wondered many times, would he be a good father? If he was a non muslim but I am a muslim how will our kids grow up muslim when they see how easy it is for their father to just live his life without praying, fasting, etc.? Every muslim woman, men included even though it is allowed for muslim men to marry christian & jewish women, need to think about this. We should not be so selfish that it will effect our kids negatively & force them to go the wrong way.

      These kind words you are telling me is making my heart heal faster, I feel comfort when I think about Akhira & Jannah. Please keep me in your prayers & I will keep you in mine.

      -Pepper

      • Wasalam, Pepper,

        So nice to know about you, Alhamdulillah, that time wasn´t wasted, you have learnt a tough lesson and many of your previous ideas had changed due to this experience, you have now everything in its right place and you can help many using true and wise words and better than that your acts will be reflecting the Truth of your words, Alhamdulillah, because you know for sure which is the right path to take, Masha´Allah, doubts will be a part of the past while your Heart grows in Allah(swt), Insha´Allah.

        Certain is that Allah(swt) loves you deeply as He does to all of us, the difference is that you woke up to His Love, Alhamdulillah. Fear is fine for a little while, but once you have recognized its Presence, look for refuge in Allah(swt), now you know what fear is about, is just a negative emotion that weakens the Heart and dissapears when our closeness to Allah (swt) is tight and strong, you know the ways already, Alhamdulillah.

        Please, be straight in your salat and try to listen to the Adhan if you can, for a while remember to recite surah 113 and 114 before going to bed if you feel like it, fear get scared when you recite this surahs, Alhamdulillah. To recite the Names of Allah and His Attributes helps too. Get closer to Allah(swt) and little by little, you will feel more and more inundated by His Love and the Love of all of those that are in the same Path we are, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.

        If you feel you need us in anyway from now on, please always feel free to contact us. You are my sister, you have been always in my prayers, Alhamdulillah, and you will be always, insha´Allah. You are not alone anymore, Pepper, we all care about you, Alhamdulillah.

        Barak Allah Feek.

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Hello Sister Maria,

          I want to know if it's true that if you are in a haraam relationship that every time you are with this person your sin of zina keeps building up? So if a sister married this non muslim man is it garanteed that she will go to hell? How grave is the sin of fornication because many of us, including myself, have done it without thinking twice of the consequences?

          • As salamu alaykum, Sister Strawberryfields,

            Please, log in and ask this questions as a seperate post. There is a few posts published on the subjects you mention, they will be helpful until your question is published insha´Allah.

            María
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalamualaikum pepper,
    I know it's really hard to let go your past and future dreams Which you saw with him. But Allhamdullilah you are on the right tract and on time MashaAllah.
    Just focus on Islam and your faith and always think that if you give up something for the sake of Allah he will bless you .
    You really think good and you are doing truly the right thing MashaAllah..
    Excellent advice given by Maria M ..MashaAllah..
    I will keep you in my prayers..
    Masalaam

    • Asalamualaikum Muslim

      Yes it was indeed hard to make that decision, the hardest I ever had to make in my life, but i knew this was a right decision to make.

      Although i do not know you, Allah does as He knows everything and everyone, so when I keep you in my prayers as well I hope he will reward you for your kind words.

      May peace be with you
      -Pepper

  4. Assalamu alaykum Sister Pepper,

    Alhamdulillaah, I believe you are the same Pepper who commented about Imaam and approaching a brother for marriage.

    I read your posts, it really made me smile and feel good to see an "enthusiastic" Muslima in those replies, Alhamdullillaah.

    Sister, love before marriage is evil, of course, without doubt.

    Sister, I smiled and felt after a long, long, long time I heard something so powerful from a human being, your words made me read them a few times : " It was then when I realized that nothing good can come out of something that was haraam in the first place."

    Masha Allah, a lot of us takes months and years to realize this. Subhaan Allah, what a line you wrote, full of "hikmah", wisdom.

    May Allah give hidayah to our Muslim brethern (men and women both) and make them think the same way.

    Alhamdulillaah, Insha Allah, I will remember your words, or I would rather say : How could we expect any good to come out of something which was haraam in the first place?

    Whatever you said, Alhamdulillaah, it made my day. Alhamdulillaah.

    May Allah give you all good you ask for.

    As far as this guy is concerned, Allah has shown you a way, has made you control tears and say NO. So stick to your decision.

    Pray to Allah and wait for Allah's command to pass. He will bring whom He wills as your husband, Insha Allah.

    It is we humans who make haste, we try to get in to relationships without marriage and when we are hurt, we ask Allah, O Allah why this happened to me? The answer to this question is your words.

    We can reply to ourselves or anyone who says so: How could we expect any good to come out of something which was haraam in the first place?

    We should stay away from the "forbidden fruit" else chances are there of losing the Paradise.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

    • @ Sister Pepper,

      Just to add, I know of a couple who were in haraam relationship, yet it turned in to their marriage and brought happiness.

      So sometimes, Allah's will is to give good and help whom He wills to purify himself.

      This is why I changed your words slightly, by saying that how can we "expect" good to come out of something haraam.

      Khair, sister, you keep striving, asking Allah for guidance, Insha Allah. We need sisters like you to meet, talk to and enlighten other ignorant sisters.

      Salaam,
      Your brother.

    • Thank you so much brother & this means so much to me. The reason why I was so harsh about how a muslima should approach a muslim brother is because of what I have went through with this relationship. We have started out as just friends. Then we started talking more & started to develop feelings for each other. I was foolish, if i had decided not to get closer to him like what Allah (swt) forbid me to do I would have been saved from this horrible heartache. I am forever grateful to Allah now & I realized that whatever He has set up for us, His laws, are the truth whether we like it or not.

      I used to HATE the idea of "arrange marriage" in Islam, but after going through this obstacle in my life I finally understand why this idea of marriage can be so successful. I have met many sisters who have became friends with certain men and not even thought that it would become more than that..but it did and they too regret their decision. So we should be careful about who we talk to.

      "We should stay away from the "forbidden fruit" else chances are there of losing the Paradise."

      This is absolutely true, the forbidden fruit in this life/world is zina. If i would have married that man knowing he will never convert, there may be no chance of me going to Jannah because I would have never repented. Astaghfirullah, Allah has saved me from that, He loves me more than i can imagine.

      Please keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine. I am very lonely & scared so please pray I find a good, pious husband who will love me & take care of me & i will wish the same for you (a wifez).

      Peace Be Upon You
      -Pepper

      • Assalamu alaykum Sister Pepper,

        Your confidence seems to be boosting day by day. Insha Allah you and all our Muslim brethern (brothers & sisters) are in my du'aas.

        Anyways sister, why do you feel scared? What fear you have?

        Allah is the Helper of all those who turn to Him and seek His help. Always ask Allah to ease your tasks for you.

        Salaam,
        Your brother.

  5. ALHAMDUILIAH!

    It has been a LONG WHILE and I have realized that I have COMPLETELY MOVED ON! I am so happy! I am over this person completely! Just a few weeks ago he has texted me and I completely forgot about it and instead of reading it I deleted it!! I have never felt so free in my life. I can't even remember one memory I had of him and I together. I am very happy, I am looking forward to getting married. I haven't found him yet but Inshallah I will, please continue to keep me in your prayers. I am very very very happy, now I know that no matter how difficult something is, if you be patient and trust in Allah you will be this happy in the end. Mashallah I am doing much better and if I can get over this Inshallah I can get over any broken relationship in the future such as a divorce. I have learned so much from this experience and I have made a list on how I want my future husband to be and fearing Allah and being a Muslim is #1 on my list. I will never consider any man who is not a Muslim and I will not "wait until he converts" EVER AGAIN! Thank you all for your prayers and may Allah bless you all continuously as well as every single Muslim ever to be on this planet!!

    And for those who are going through a difficult time, from my own experience it only gets better. Every day gets better than the last till the day comes when you look back and you feel no pain and when you look ahead you get excited for what is about to come. InshAllah may Allah give us all the halal things our heart desires!!

  6. Pepper ,

    Sister you seems to growing in to true muslimah ...Congratulation ..
    Did you get married by now ?

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