Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Fiancé Wants to be a Lesbian

I'm trying to help my fiance, I love her so much, and I don't like it when she hates herself. She has these disturbing sexual thoughts about her female best friend... and I don't judge her on her thoughts, but I'm scared and worried... I mean, I trust her with all my heart, but I don't want her to be filled with temptation.

Thats why, a while back, I asked her if she could stop touching her best friend. She promised me she'd stop touching her but I'm certain that they're hugging and holding hands all the time... I mean, if it was anyone else, wallahi I wouldn't mind. It's different, it's way different with her friend since she's attracted to her.

All this time, I was certain that my finance was romantically in love with her best friend, and if that was the case, then even holding hands is betrayal. I asked anyone, and they would agree. The thing is, my fiance kept on saying, "No, I don't love her like that, it's just lust". So I was able to put my worries aside and trust her fully, it was her friend that I didn't trust. I know my fiance, she's a strong lass, I knew she would never cheat on me... but that girl... her best friend...

That's why I asked my fiance to stop talking to her and stay away from her best friend for a while, so she could be away from temptation. Then her best friend went around my back and kissed her!! ON THE LIPS?!?! While they were watching a movie, her best friend went and kissed my fiancé . I don't even know what would possess a Muslim girl in the right mind, with her deen, to just go out on a limb and do haram like that??? This proves all my worries!!! This proves all my doubts about her friend eventually breaking, and giving into my fiancé's wants and desires...

It get's worse... I was completely devastated about everything, and I was almost certain that her friend had decided to resort to zina to get my fiancé's attention, so I wanted to talk to all three of them. Tell her that it was MY idea to stop talking to her, and tell her why my fiance wasn't talking to her. I promised not to be mean, and I kept my promise. Her friend understood everything from my perspective, and even appologized!

After I told her that everything was my fault... I was almost certain that she'd want to kill me after that (ya kno, after all the bad stories my fiance tells me about her best friend). I felt relief... up until I asked her why she kissed my fiance... then my heart was torn open... I asked her, "do you love her more than a friend?" and she replied with, "I don't know. That's... *[pause]* I dunno..." This is a girl that my fiance swore was straight as a ruler. Does that sound like someone who's straight?

Then I asked her about having sex with my fiance, straight up, I asked her. Wanna know what she said? "I love "XXXX" very much, and I'd do anything to make her happy. I don't want to see her in pain." What kind of answer is that??? It get's worse... after we hung up, I talked to my fiance... and cried to her... and she told me how she wanted to have sex with her best friend, told me that she loved *her* more than me, and to top it all off, told me that she was very eager to leave me for her since she really wanted to have sex with her, and that I should want her to be happy, so I should let her have her fun. When I told her that she shouldn't have sex with her best friend she said, "I feel like you don't want me to be happy." Wallahi that's what she said!! She then said, "would you really want me to live in regret my whole life? not knowing what she felt like?"

I couldn't stop crying... I wanted to cut my heart out... She said she's sorry...but why would she want to leave me? Her best friend litterally asked her out on a date, and my fiance accepted... without even asking me... she's cheating on me, and she's telling me that she isn't cheating... It hurts even more since she finally accepted the fact that she's romantically in-love with her best friend and wants her sexually...

Do you see what's happening? My fiance, is throwing herself into the fire, jahannam, and I can't do anything about it... I have to "let her go" if I really love her...??? That's so messed up... I should be a bad guy for wanting my love to stop talking to a girl that she's about to have sex with... She's losing her deen, and she's already willing to give me up for it.

JazakAllahu Khayran,
As-Salamu Alaykum

- TekBoi

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14 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum,

    all i would say is leave her, i know its hard but thats the best thing to do. if she doesnt care bout you then you shouldnt care bout her either, you tryed and done your part.

    ma salama

  2. Salaam Brother,

    If it was possible for us to have influence over other people's decisions half of the world's problems would disappear overnight. Until someone admits that they have a problem, it is not possible to help them. When a person is on drugs, alcohol, self harm or anorexia etc - then you may (if you are close family) stage what's called an intervention - which is when you hospitalise a person for their own safety and put them into some kind of rehab.

    I am not sure if this is possible for sexual preference and choice, as homosexuality is not really regarded by the medical profession as a life-threatening thing, or a form of self harm. So unless your fiance tells you that she wants to change her choices, you can't really help her in the way that you want.

    What is most important right now is that you look after yourself. Because you don't know what is motivating her (ie: you don't know if she has a history of sexual abuse as a child and is therefore confused about boundaries regarding sex and love, you don't know if she has a personality disorder which makes her feel pleasure at your suffering, you don't know if she is genuinely gay and has always preferred women to men and so on) you can't take appropriate action for her.

    You can however, take appropriate action for you and consider for yourself why you are putting yourself through this emotional turmoil. I understand that you love her, but love does not change people - choices do. If you seek influence or security in your future you must pull back from her, switch off emotionally and let her be. This is the only way you will be able to find out if she is in dire need of help, or if she is a twisted person who seeks to destroy your self confidence, self esteem and self belief.

    If she needs help, she will come to you and say "help me" - at which point you take her to counselling so that she can sort herself out. If she is seeking to destroy you (and believe me, there are women out there who are intent on breaking men down and making them feel worthless) then she will plague you with "I love you's" whilst insisting that love is sharing sins, and allowing a sinful life for the sake of "love" - please don't buy into this. If she does this then she is playing games with you, and the best thing to do is cut her off as she seeks only to destroy you. If she genuinely loves you and wants to be with you, then all other temptations would disappear from her view and the most important thing in her life will be you and only you. I can tell you from experience - when a woman loves a man, she sees no other man (or woman) - she feels no sexual attraction for another.

    Your fiance is on a self destruct mission and she is creating a lot of drama which you have unwittingly bought into. When people create drama (such as the drama your fiancé is creating with her best friend) the only thing we can do is refuse to play the role they have laid out for us. It seems that your role in this drama is "desperately in love hero". Stop playing this role. Change it to "firmly focused Muslim who takes no rubbish" - stop crying and pleading for her. If you sincerely want to help her, explain to her firmly and without tears that she is doing is wrong, that she has a choice and that Allah is with the believers and that if she wants to walk into the hell fire with her friend, that is her choice. Tell her you are praying for her, but that's all you can do at this stage - then walk away. Be strong, be firm and be focused - you are (whether you see it right now or not) doing a very good deed with this action. She will be shocked at your wake up call, and she will have a reaction. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for those we love and for Allah, and you must sacrifice your desire to own this woman in order to clear your own vision and see the straight path.

    You will go through a lot of emotions during this stage, as we do get addicted to drama and strife, we get addicted to the passionate feelings that accompany impossible scenarios as they fill a void in our lives after all, we may get very bored without all of these problems. But boredom is Sheytaan's best friend, and he will find evils for you to play with. After a while of being away from her, you will start to notice an absence in your life where all of the toxins and poisons were - it's a withdrawal process we all go through when we stop taking a toxin. Heroin is a toxin, which gives withdrawal symptoms, as is alcohol, as is nicotine, as is relationships with damaging people. You need to set yourself free from this poison and overcome this barrier to your future.

    This is my advice to you brother.
    Peace,
    Leyla

    • Salaam Sister,

      This is the best response I have ever came across for this situation. Your thoughts are motivating. I am male 25, married and facing the same problem in my life. After marriage I found out my wife's disgusting behaviour with her male gay friend and now she is confessing that she is gay and she wanted to make her life better with me. A long story and lots of emotions we passed through after I found out her personality and now also she is at the same track of her life. She is saying she is possessed with some evil spirit. We saw some different scholars and they said there are some two different black magic done on her. I don't know what to do, I am shattered all I am now doing is, take myself out of this depression.

      Thank You
      Was

  3. Salaam Leyla,

    That was quite an amazing answer you gave to the brother. I might have a situation or two I'll consult you for :), if you're ok with that.

    Fahad

  4. Salaam Farhad,

    InshaAllah, I can help you brother, that's what I am here for

    Peace,

    L

    • Salaam Sister Leyla,

      I have a similar, yet complicated problem with my wife and am desperately in need of advice. I would really appreciate if I could discuss this with you off the forum. I would really appreciate a prompt response as things are developing very quickly.

      Thank you,

      Malik

  5. Salaams brother,

    Leave this girl and her vile intentions well behind in the past. Just be grateful to Allah you got to know before you made the mistake of getting married.
    How could you expect a wife like this to be the mother of your offspring? It may hurt as you love her etc but in time you will look back and thank Allah for saving you from a distasrous future.
    Cut all ties and turn to Allah to help ease your pain.

    Regards

  6. Salamu Aleikum,

    I agree with everything sister Leyla has mentioned. Leaving her and getting down to brass tacks

    will provoke a reaction and that will make her rethink her unislamic morals and her behaviour.

    She may enjoy this game she's playing with you- and the role in this game may be the desperate

    lover- but nevertheless, I think that she may have an additional problem apart from the game she's playing.

    Maybe- I think you know her better than we do- u can assess this very well- she is afraid of physical

    closeness with a man. Many women who develop lesbian tensions weren't born with that inclination,

    but they develop a hatred or disgust concerning intercourse with males . They have either experienced

    traumatic sexual frustration, e.g. sex without foreplay and kissing, pain during intercourse etc or

    they are afraid of a close contact with a man as they fear that this may hurt them or cause

    unpleasant feelings which may be the case with your fiancé. I believe that the waswasah of the

    Shaytan only adds to this kind of problem , but that all problems have a root. Why would she like

    to sleep with her best friend, but not with you? What is the role of her best friend? The best friend

    in a woman's life is the husband and the best friend in a husband's life is the wife. She shouldn't share

    such a close bonding with anyone else but her spouse. She isn't allowed to talk negatively about her

    husband to anyone; the Qu'ran tells the devout women to guard the secrets of the home as Allah

    knows his creation best; women are different to men and they have certain habits that men don't have.

    Women share many secrets with their friends, including bedroom secrets(God forbid, astaghfirullah, but

    many women do that) and intimate things men would never share with one another. To me it doesn't make

    sense that she's closer to her friend than to you. So I would advise you to have an honest conversation

    with her about intimacy. How she expects sexuality to be, her possible fears and why she wants to

    oppose the teachings or her religion. From what you wrote, I can't imagine that she's a pious and

    practicing Muslimah , but talk to her. Without getting emotional, just tell her why she wants to turn her

    back on her deen and tell her about the husband-wife relationship in Islam, the significance of sex

    and being an obedient, but confident wife. Mention the Islamic foreplay and that she doesn't have to

    be afraid of anything. Ideally a woman doesn't feel attracted to anyone else if she truly loves the man, but I

    think that by following ill desires and dangerous illusions called love people may go astray and lose

    themselves in

    their illusions; maybe she' s afraid of something, even if it is subconsciously .Love is a question of definition,

    and without the right definition of morality, there can never be a right definition of love. If she still opposes

    and

    continues to be rebellish, then leave her and tell

    her that you don't want to be treated like that and what Leyla told you to do , I think that's very

    reasonable.

    I wish you all the best

    Jazakallah

  7. Praise be to Allaah.
    Al-Tirmidhi (1456), Abu Dawood (4462) and Ibn Maajah (2561) narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever you find doing the action of the people of Loot, execute the one who does it and the one to whom it is done.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

    The Sahaabah were unanimously agreed on the executing of homosexuals, but they differed as to how they were to be executed.

    Some of them, such as Abu Bakr al-Siddeeq and ‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib (may Allaah be pleased with them) thought that they should be burned to death. Some of them, such as Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) thought that they should be thrown from a tall building followed by stoning. Some of them thought that they should be stoned to death, which was narrated from both ‘Ali and Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with them).

    See: al-Mughni (9/58).

    The reason why the one to whom such an act is done should also be executed is because he is a partner in the sin, because this sin can only be committed if both parties take part, so it is only just to carry out the punishment on both of them. Similarly in the case of zina (adultery), the punishment is carried out on both the man and the woman. Moreover there is nothing good to be gained from letting the one to whom it has been done remain alive, because of the great evil that has befallen him and because of the great evil that may result from his presence.

    It says in Mataalib Ooli al-Nuha (6/174): Even though adultery and homosexuality are both immoral deeds and are both evils that go against the wisdom of Allaah in His creation and His command, in homosexuality there are innumerable evils and it is better for the one to whom it was done to be executed than to let him repeat that evil action, because he has been corrupted in such a way that there is no hope of reform for him, and there is no goodness left in him, and after that he will not feel shy before Allaah or before His creation. The sperm of the one who did that will affect his heart and soul as poison affects the body, and he does not deserve to be guided to anything good, and every time he tries to do something good, something will happen to spoil his good deed, as a punishment to him. Hardly ever do you see one who was like that in his youth but he is the worst he can be when he grows old. He does not gain any beneficial knowledge or do any righteous deeds, or repent sincerely, in most cases. Once this is established, the evil consequences of homosexuality are among the worst of evil consequences, so its punishment is one of the most severe of punishments in this world and in the Hereafter.

    The companions of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) agreed unanimously that the homosexual is to be executed, and none of them differed concerning that. Rather they differed as to the method of execution. Some people thought that this difference means that they disagreed about executing him, so they narrated it as a matter concerning which the Sahaabah differed, but it is a matter concerning which there was consensus among them, not a matter of difference. End quote.

    The source for this was Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him), who mentioned it in al-Jawaab al-Kaafi li man sa’ala ‘an al-Dawa’ al-Shaafi.

    But if the one to whom it was done was forced, then he is not to be punished, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah has forgiven my ummah for mistakes and forgetfulness, and what they are forced to do.” Narrated by Ibn Maajah (2045); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah.

    And Allaah knows best.

    • It hardly matters whether one sahabi advocated this punishment or another advocated that one, since that took place in the historical context of a caliphate and shari'ah law. It does not apply in the absence of such, and no one should think that Islam condones vigilante justice or oppression. Furthermore, these punishments are largely symbolic, intended to deter people by their harshness, like the punishment for adultery, because the requirement for four adult witnesses of the act itself virtually precludes its application. Those modern "shari'ah" states that occasionally apply such punishments in the absence of witnesses or evidence are wrong.

      And Allah knows best.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I agree with Wael. People are quick to mention Shariah compliancy when imposing punishment, but where is the Shariah in homes, schools, work places, wider community etc to help prevent the spread of illnesses of society in the first place, in this case homosexuality. Can any state really be allowed to issue Shariah punishments, when they are not actually playing their role in governing the people properly? I believe the root cause behind every major illness in society is due to the absence of Shariah governance. Although, of course I believe that each person is also responsible and accountable for his own wrong doings. Ultimately, Allah knows best.

        SisterZ

  8. I agree Amber. Ignorance cannot really used as an excuse for some things can it? For example, its a well known fact that Islam completely forbids sex before marriage, it is also a well known fact that Islam forbids homosexuality. That is of course unless someone has been brought up in a jungle with no human interaction or guidance, but that is highly unlikely in this day and age.

    We are all responsible for our own actions, the individual for himself, the head of the house for his family, the headteacher for his school, and the head of state for his land and people. We all hold a certain degree of responsibility to the spreading of illnesses of society. Its like a circle...we all have an impact on everything around us.

    ***

    However, I wouldnt say though that there is no forgiveness for them, because my sister, only Allah knows who He(swt) will and will not forgive. Allah is Just, and will punish and reward according to what He(swt) knows, and He(swt) knows the inner secrets of our hearts and minds, more than we know ourselves. Even the Prostitute was promised Jannah because Allah loved a good deed she had done:

    The Prophet(saw) is reported to have said: "Once a dog was going round the well and was about to die out of thirst. A prostitute of Banu Israel happened to see it. So she took off her leather sock and lowered it into the well. She drew out some water and gave the dog to drink. She was forgiven on account of her action".

    Commentary:
    1. This Hadith emphasizes the importance of kindness to every creature, even animals, because Allah is pleased with such kindness.
    2. Allah's Quality of mercy and forgiveness is immensely vast. If He wants He may forgive a person even on a minor good action done by him.
    Taken from Riyad-us-Salehin, Chapter 13

    Of course this does not mean that we should be so hopeful of Allah's forgiveness that we should continue sinning knowingly thinking that 'well, we'll be forgiven anyway'. That is wrong and means one has just created a false sense of security.

    SisterZ

  9. All i say is don't leave her. You will both be in a bad position.
    Instead Marry both women using Islamic Man's right for Polygamy,
    this solved all problems.

    • Salim, that's a funny answer. Impractical and pointless but funny!

      Anyway this post is six years old. I'm sure the brother has moved on by now, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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