My fiancee disclosed her past to me. How should I deal with this?
A couple of days back, my fiancee to-be confessed to me that she had slept (had sex) with her ex-boyfriend. She says that she did it because she thought he was the one and that him leaving her was something that she had never imagined.
Ever since this admission of hers, I have been feeling really miserable and have become really double minded about what my next step should be. She says that she does not feel guilty about what she has done, because it has made her what she is today!
Depression has taken its toll on me and I am in need of some serious help, advise and suggestions as to how I should deal with this.
Help please!
-Sahk
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Salaam Sahk.
Sorry to hear about your situation. You should never marry someone unless you are sure that you want to. If you have any doubt you should not, not until you are sure. It is also not good that she committed zina and does not feel guilty about it, regardless if it changed her, it still is a big sin!
If you yourself have never committed zina then it may be argued that she is unlawful to you (Allah knows best) as she has not repented for committing zina. If the person repents, it is as if they have not sinned so they are no longer counted as 'impure.'
Women impure are for men impure and men impure are for women impure; and women of purity are for men of purity and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness and a provision honorable. Surah 24. An-Nur, Ayah 26
Either way listen to what you feel. If her past is bothering you now it will continue to bother you later once married. It is not fair on yourself or on her to marry whilst this still hurts you. It will continue to haunt you throughout your marriage and you will be in pain. It is also unfair on her as you may bring it up during arguments or be emotionally absent. Dont put yourself through a painful marriage. Please read this link - the answer in this link is the same answer I would give to you, just explains it more clearly.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/am-i-being-insecure/
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Agreed.
Do not marry her, some men have the strength or indecency depending their character, to overlook this, others like you and me cannot bear this thought.
What is best is if you leave this girl, end the engagement (it is much much much easier to break off an engagement than a marriage) and then allow your parents to find you a new wife.
Others will say look to find the good in her and all that routine stuff, but I know guys like you, cause I'm one, and believe me when I say this, it's much better you marry someone without a past, will make life easy for you.
In the name of Allah the most beneficent the most merciful.
Assallamu Allaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh, all my brothers and sisters in Islam.
Brother may Allah make easy the situation you are in. The following Ayah talks about the situation of those who commit fornication.
[024:003] The adulterer cannot have sexual intercourse but with an adulteress or an idolatrous woman, and an adulteress - none can have sexual intercourse with her but an adulterer or an idolatrous man. That indeed is forbidden to the believers.
Brother, having regrets is a sign of believer (or someone who has got faith in his/her heart) but when someone does not feel any bad or remorse about the bad things they have done, they are not the kind of people to have family with.
She is feeling good about it that means she has got feeling for him so let them be with each other.
Before it is too late, leave her and ask Allah to substitute someone who is better, loving, caring and trust worthy than her and who could protect your Deen and honour.
Thank Allah who made you know this situation before you got into this marriage. A marriage is about being faithful and have trust in one another.
Pray two Rakah of Salatul Istiqaarah and Allah will open new door for you Insha-Allah.
There are two ways of looking at this. I understand why the other people have commented as they have. But there is another side to this...
Yes she made a mistake and she committed a sin by being intimate with her ex. I would think she knows this and she has suffered and had to come to terms with what she did and what happened. Perhaps you are still coming to terms with it.
You both must have/ do like each other alot or seen something in each other to have become engaged to each other. Perhaps when she says it has made her who she is today, she means she has learnt from her mistake of the past and instead of living in regret she is trying to get on with her life positively and make a new better life.
People make mistakes and error, its important that someone learns from their mistakes. The past is the past it cant be undone. No matter how much one might wish it could be.
She told you because she trusts you and maybe was hoping for your understanding and maturity. People make bad choices and huge mistakes. Maybe you never made a bad choice or mistake, maybe when you get married you can guarantee you wont ever make a mistake and need this person or someone else to understand and let you get on with your life.
Neither I or anyone else can tell you what to do. You know this person and yourself and the context and situation this all occurred in. Maybe you can talk to her about repentance etc. You need to communicate with her and try not to be judgemental. Allah hopefully is forgiving of us all no matter how big or small our sins are...
But I do agree that you if cant accept and or understand then you should let her go and let her find someone who can.
I wish you both well, its going to take strength and prayer to get through this.
well said!! i agree with everything written!!
BA, very well said.
I also agree with BA and Sara past is that past, how many reveal the truth and are honest. If you cant accept or deal with it then you need to ask yourself. May allah show you a clearer direction
assalamu'lakum
brother she does'nt feel guilt and as i think, she told u so because she wants u to end the r/ship, so do it. Whenever u want to marry a girl she should be a good muslimah. And i agree with ahmed leave her now before it ls too late. May ALLAH substitute it for u with the better.
sahk
this may be a hard time for you but before you make any huge decisions ask yourself : do you like this girl or not. i think you do, or you would have left her already. If she says that she does not feel "guilty" that doesnt mean that she wants to end her relationship. the only reason she told you is because she trusts you. so that means she still loves you. Its not like she told you that to end her relationship like some people have mentioned above.
talk with her. yes she has committed a big sin but dont forgot Allah is the most forgiving and will forgive even the biggest sin. Tell us about your progress if any. Peace upon you brother