Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve finally found a practising Muslim man… But my family don’t want me to marry him unless he changes his name

There is no place for racism in Islam

There is no place for racism or caste discrimination in Islam

Assalamo Alaikum Brothers and Sisters,
It’s a long story and was hesitant to write in detail, but then brevity would not have given an insight into it. Please read it till end and help me out.
I belong to an educated and religious 'Syed' family from East, why I mentioned 'Syed' is that, my parents never wanted any of my siblings to get married outside Syed or to any 'lower' castes.
I lost my father when I was 6 and been brought up by elder siblings and my mother. They all are Namazi and Allah fearing people with my eldest sister also being Quran hafiz along with her PhD in Botany. I am mentioning all this just to give a clear idea of the family background. My mom gives Quran lessons for the whole of neighborhood and has always encouraged the ignorant and lesser privileged ones in our society to be a practicing Muslim.
I am engineer and an MBA and working for a reputed MNC. While I was doing my engineering, I never believed in love or any sort of relationship outside marriage. In fact I was averse to marriage seeing two of my sisters not really happy in their marriages and one of them is separated since years and her ex-husband remarried (was married to a 5 times Namazi Syed but he never took his responsibilities of wife and a daughter and never had the intentions to stay in marriage)
Seeing all this at home, I was always averse to marriage; I joined my first job and met this guy who was a Non-Muslim. Within months of me knowing him through common project, he proposed me, and I declined saying remove even the thought from your mind as I am a Muslim. Then he accepted the denial and was transferred to a different project. He kept expressing his feelings for me by calling me on phone from a different city. He at last told me that he will revert for Nikah and do everything for me and after 1-2 months of his persistence I developed strong feeling and thought that maybe I can marry him if Allah permits. I researched a lot about interfaith marriages on internet and reached out to scholar’s blogs and found out that any reversion only for the sake of Nikah is not valid. Alhamdolillah, Allah guided me. A person has to accept Islam in its beauty, and then only that Nikah will be valid. I told him all this clearly that if you want to embrace Islam, please do it for Allah, not for me. He backed off citing researching religion is not his priority right now, and it was only for me he will do.
And so I took the decision at that young age of 21-22 that if it’s against Islam and my Allah, I will not go for it and cut off all phone calls.
Although I kept praying in Namaz that Allah bless him with the light of Imaan in his heart, prayers were not answered, definitely for something good. I also saw a dream; some pious person telling me that he will never accept Islam, forget him.
Then after that I kept working for two more years and believe me the initial first year after rejecting him was hell for me and nothing could wipe out the pain but I kept on going having firm faith in my Allah Subhanuwtala. Time passed and it was all well for the second year. I got through one exam and secured a seat at reputed B-school.
Just before my masters, there was a proposal through my family for my marriage. Photos got exchanged and we liked each other and the guy's parents visited my home and liked me and it was a go ahead from every side. within weeks of his visit, my mom got to know that the guy is from a low caste and she felt that his father should have mentioned if they are real Qureshi’s by surname or from low caste and she said a big No to marriage. I and my other siblings tried to convince my mother in every possible way but she didn't deter from her decision. I liked the guy because of his profile, his qualifications which matched with mine and also we got to know that he was regular in Salah. We all at home tried our best but my mother was totally not accepting it. I still wonder why- when Quran has not mentioned anything like that. (She was too conscious of her sisters commenting her that she married me off not even to a Non Syed but also a low caste person) She has been a very pious person all her life but I dint understand what made her think that way.
And then I went on to attend my Masters Degree classes. I met this guy there who was again a Non-Muslim (in a county like ours it’s difficult to come across educated Muslims who are also religious, we had two Muslim brothers in my batch and they used to drink hidingly from their family).
History repeated; within few months he proposed me and same reply was given by me. He tried each and every effort to please me and then I even told him about the story of previous guy and that I can’t do anything against Allah's wishes. At the same time, there were 3 other proposals at home for me, but none finalized.
I cut off all contacts with him, but being in same institute, same classroom, was more or less impossible. Through my previous story it was clear to him that he had to accept Islam whole-heartedly to marry me. Without me having any information he started reading about Islam , researching for almost months about Islam and after an year he embraced Islam by saying Shahadah on his own (he learned through internet on how to do it). Till now I was unaware of all these developments and he informed me about these things much later. Then after few months my PG Degree was complete and before leaving I told him, if he wants he can come and talk to my mother about it (by then I had known he embraced though I was not that confident if Iman was that strong, still I wanted to give it a try believing this is what Allah subhanautala has decided for me)
I broke the news at home that he will come and meet you all and ask for my hand, and he is a revert, though not yet fully practicing. As expected Hell broke at home and my mother was even more furious this time saying, why I can’t get a proper Muslim to get married and things were on hold. (It was she who rejected on family proposal on caste basis even when I wanted to marry that guy as mentioned above)I told her, may be this is my destiny.
I got to join my new job in the same city where he was working. It was mere destiny that brought me to that city. I believed it was a sign of Allah and now I must try hard to convince my family for him as he is the guy. He started practicing more and more was indulged in all Halal habits. He even chose a good name for himself and said he will do the paper work soon once he joins another company. He himself was always more keen on the name and even forced me to think about a good name. When I was not involved in all this, He took a name on his own and paper work was pending (when he joins new organization) This gave me more confidence to again speak to my family and tell them he is even accepting a new first name, that too on his own. My mother was never even ready to discuss whereas my eldest sister got a bit softer on this and recently told me, get the name formalities done a.s.a.p. and we will find a way Inshallah for your Nikah.
My mother even met the guy when she visited me, she said He is nice, but her stand is clear. She can't trust a revert Muslim; he can go back to his basics anytime.
Now this guy as he kept saying was supposed to change his name as he was about to join a new company. I visited my family this Eid and again after lot of confrontations, they agreed to talk (not my mother) and they said once he does all the paper work on Name thing, we will visit him and his family.
When I came back from home, this guy suddenly informed me that he has changed his mind and is not ready to change his name now as it’s a hassle and my parents can disown me. (His parents already know about his new found belief and have even accepted that)What shocked me is that, he himself chose a first name and wanted a new identity and now when my family could somewhat get convinced about it, he is taking a step back. (When name thing was never brought up by me but he kept promising me)
I am still in disbelief as it was he who wanted to marry me, it was he who embraced Islam, he who wanted to change first name and decided upon one good name. If he would not have mentioned this name thing to me, maybe I myself and my family would have been prepared mentally for that. (Although it would have been a stigma in our closed doors society when a Muslim female from a pious Syed family is married to a Hindu name, even if he practices Islam) This is stigma for both among Muslim and Non- Muslim families, so I had the conviction that with his first name as Muslim, I and my family will not have to answer every person I came across about his reversion. Only the close families and friends can know and would later hopefully understand it.
Now I am mentally distraught with grief and not able to go for this marriage, first thing is that I imagined myself associated with the name he chose for himself; second for the acceptance in society; third for the future of my kids and giving them a clear identity;fourth I might have to live with Non-Muslim in laws in future with my kids and it would be a difficult situation while bringing up kids in an Islamic atmosphere; last my parents will never ever accept it and they will be ashamed of themselves if they married me off to him without name changed because of our society.
I have always lived a life of dignity by Allah's grace and see it all falling with his change of mind, if I marry him.What is more worrisome is the fact that he decided not to change his name after 2 long years when he decided he will.
I am worried , he can do this with Imaan also, what if after marriage he says , he doesn’t understand Islam anymore, what if he says that his parents are hurt by the decision to accept Islam and he will go soft on it. What if he says that it’s ok for his parents to teach our kids about non- Islam religion as far as we teach them about Islam? What if he turns away from his promises after marriage and kids? Then what will I do??I will have no face left as in the first place, the marriage will be painful for my parents and second if he changes his decision of embracing Islam (I have witnessed people doing it)
In fact when I told him, I will not be able to get married to him(because of the reasons I mentioned above), he is still adamant and suddenly hell bent that he will not be changing his first name at all. This has instilled fear in my heart that he can be rigid at any point of time in life as per his convenience.
In fact all these 2 years when I waited for my parents to be convinced I never made Dua that Allah grant me him, but always said only one sentence, that if his Imaan is genuine , please grant me a life with him.
More important, I waited for this to happen in a halal way with my parents’ wishes for two long years and when I see its not happening because of his sudden decision; I feel doomed, lost and feel that I lost my precious two years waiting for this marriage and he is not considering any of these situations and suddenly seems to have lost that will and strong desire and love to marry me which led to my nod and wait for the marriage. He is sticking to his decision even after numerous discussions, requests, me crying endlessly, he also cries but same decision. He suddenly seems to have turned as a stone to my pleas and cries. I feel when he can do this now, after being persistent to get married to me for so long which made me give up and gave my nod; and he suddenly takes one stand today and not listen to me at all, can turn away in future too.
Even If I somehow make my mind and agree to his decision, my family will take another 2-3 years to get convinced and that too not happily.
Also a short note about the guy is that he is very good hearted human being, perhaps it was like a dream for me to get married to such a nice guy who has faith in Allah. He is truthful, helpful, gentle, caring, and respectful to my family; he is a very loving son and brother too. Above all, he is very kind hearted, even for strangers on road. In fact at times I used to think that I rejected the previous guy on Faith, I was patient then and it’s a reward for me that Allah-Subhanwu-Taala has blessed me with this guy for marriage.
I also realized that I have committed small-small sins in everyday life as I used to go out with him at times on dinner/movies. So I feel, may be Allah subhanawutala is punishing me for this.
I seek repentance in every Namaz I offer with tears in my eyes and ask for His forgiveness and ask Him to show the light of the righteous path to me. I end up crying in every Namaz offered at home, offered at job premises. Though I try to keep control of myself at Namaz during office hours as when I come out of prayer room, my eyes are all red and I look depressed. I am crying every single night in prayers asking him to forgive me and show me the light. Please help me in taking the right decision, also keeping in mind about my family,my mother who cries even now at this proposal, society, kids and my future.
So here I am, aged 29, standing at a very difficult path still with firm belief in my Allah and his wishes.Time is running for me, but I have accepted it believing in Allah's will and reasons. Reading through all the posts on this forum every night gives me some kind of relief though and I submit more towards Allah as He will guide me to whatever is good for me. I guess was this another test for me after the first test, when I chose the righteous path. I feel why I am being tested again if it was a test and I can’t take this pain anymore. It will be nightmare to go ahead and look for another guy through families or internet matrimony sites at this age and this will break me down emotionally. But if this is what HE wills, I will have to accept it and submit myself to HIS wishes.
Just that every moment my mind and heart is torn between two thoughts- 1- Leave him and go ahead with Life and make parents happy and accept whatever comes my way. 2- Go ahead with marrying him convincing parents or even wait more, in spite of he turning stone and what all happened and all will be well. These two contrasting thought keep coming every moment. Don’t know to go which way.
May Allah bless me with his guidance through you all!

Brother Wael- He mailed you on my suggestion and even after your apt reply he is adamant on his decision saying even if 99.9% reverts do change name, I won’t.

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13 Responses »

  1. This is your life. You are already 29. You should do what is best for you.
    Two of your sisters married Syeds and had bad experience.
    One of your sister married a 5 times Namazi. You should kknow by now one may look very religious but not be a good person.
    Don't wait too long you may end up becoming a second wife or marrying a high school graduate.

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    after reading this, personally I think its best to find someone else. why? you said he was eager to change his name, but suddenly changed his mind. I seen that happen far too often, guy likes the woman, he is willing to do anything, all those in most cases are temporary, soon will go back to their natural attitude. by staying in contact with him, the problem got worse,

    prophet Muhammad(saw) said, when a guy comes to ask for your daughters hand, if his 1. character is good and 2. deen, then marry them. I'm talking about genuine practicing Muslims, not someone you met, and suddenly says I'll revert for marriage.

    another point I wanna say, prophet Muhammad(saw) said a Arab has no superiority over an non-Arab, and vice-versa. we have an identity, that is being Muslim. sadly a lot people like to add i.e. Syed in front of Muslim to stand out from the rest, like they have a special status.

    I can expect parents with little knowledge of Islam, to have prejudice towards low caste. but you say your mother gives Quran lesson, They all are Namazi and Allah fearing people? remind your mother, in a hadith it says, anyone even has a small grain of arrogance will not even enter Jannah.

    Allah (S.W.T.) told us the story of Iblees, who was once a worshipper of Allah(swt), so that we may learn lessons from it, when he ordered him to prostrate to Adam and he rejected because of his Arrogance and Envy towards Adam, claiming that he is better than him. Allah said in surat Al-A’raaf, Verse (12), what can be translated as, "…I am better than him (Adam), you created me from fire, and you created him from clay."

    Arrogance is one of the most dangerous inner diseases of the heart. Those inner diseases reside in the hearts but their destructive effects are reflected in the behavior and conduct of the sick person who can be prevented from entering paradise on the Day of Judgment.

    ma salama..

    • Assalam alaikum Sister,

      I agree with what Br. Ahmed had written here.

      The only part that I will add is, assuming you are non-Arab, the only way your family could truly be Syeds is if a Syed married a non-Syed. I assume that you are not Arab because of some terms that you used, though I could be wrong.

      Also, is it not true that the father of Prophet Ibrahim AS was not Muslim and worshipped idols? The son of Prophet Noah AS was not a believer and was among those who drowned.

      Al-Quran 11:43

      [But] he said, "I will take refuge on a mountain to protect me from the water." [Noah] said, "There is no protector today from the decree of Allah , except for whom He gives mercy." And the waves came between them, and he was among the drowned.

      The paternal uncle of Prophet Muhammad: Abu Talib did not accept Islam.

      Being a direct relative of any of the Prophets (pbu them) did not save their relatives, it is our deeds and intentions that will do so--I suggest that you start a conversation with your family and explain to them that there is no such thing as being superior to others because of our lineage.

  3. As-salamu Alaykum,
    Sister, I'm not sure if you mentioned the meaning of this person's name in your post. The post was long and I may have missed that piece of information. If his name does not have a bad meaning in Islam (one that promotes shirk, for example), he can keep it.

    A name is a sensitive thing, and it is not always easy for someone to change something so fundamental about his identity. When I first converted to Islam, I had many people suggesting names for me. I finally selected one of my own liking but I did not realize at the time that it would have been okay for me to keep my original name. I do not regret my new name but I also wish I had more information at the time.

    I think you should not pressure this person to change his name. If it has a bad meaning, then you should discuss that and explain that it is disliked in Islam to have such a name. If the meaning is fine, then you should let it go. If he insists on keeping a "bad" name, then there may be some reason for concern, or it may be that he needs some time to think it over. But I think he is within his rights to make his own decisions regarding his name. In the end, he has to be comfortable with his decision and convinced he is doing it for the right reasons. If he ends up losing you due to this decision, then perhaps that will make him think about it more deeply. But if his name has a neutral meaning then I think it is not reasonable to cause him stress over the decision.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    Not every revert changes their name, and it isn't obligatory to do so. When I reverted, I spent a lot of time thinking about this issue, and ended up keeping my name - its meaning is acceptable Islamically, it has family significance, it's registered with my professional organisations and is on my publications (so changing it would have been very confusing for a lot of people). That doesn't mean I am less sincere in my faith. It may be that this man genuinely considered changing his name but then changed his mind - that alone doesn't mean his faith isn't genuine.

    As a revert, your mum's stance on feeling unable to trust reverts puzzles me. In accepting Islam, a revert often faces opposition from family and friends, and to stay true to your faith even when you don't necessarily know all that much about it can take a lot of strength and personal integrity. It might be worth reminding your mum that the earliest believers and companions of The Prophet (peace be upon him) were people who accepted Islam after hearing the truth in The Prophet's (peace be upon him) message - to dismiss reverts as untrustworthy or inferior does a disservice to those brothers and sisters who heard and accepted Islam in its earliest days.

    She may also wish to reflect on the fact that caste has no place in Islam, and is instead a Hindu concept in many ways. Likewise, the idea of only marrying within the family or within a particular tribe also go against Islamic principles of equality and acceptance. The Prophet (peace be upon him) emphasised on several occasions that race, tribe, heritage, etc do not elevate anyone above others - only faith and good deeds can set a person apart.

    Midnightmoon editor

  5. whats is the name? all this plava over name ? and total disregard for faith!

    mum teaches Quran but unwilling to teach Islam!

    Maliks!, Aryann!, Qureishi's! Syed's! is that all that defines a muslim!

    and we expect the non muslim world to accept us the way we are and in what we believe!

    May Allah be with you and guide you to what is best for you.

  6. Assala-mu-alaikum sister

    i have read your full story about your problems your family matters your sisters matter your sisters husband matters actually you had miss some thing also i guess that you are confused more.
    after reading your story i think he is not serious for marriage you literally he is only forced to soft corner in your mind then you are willing to impress him and then he will do marriage you and then some time later he will leave you or then force you about Hinduism i found that type story same to same. first in my area and second my city other side. well i want to say you some think about you distrusting situation.he is not clearing in your story maybe he also married and you don't know
    Leave him and go ahead with Life and make parents happy and accept whatever comes your way
    Maybe If you get marriage some another guy He is not disturbe you about Marriage.

    For muslim life is test any time we are in exams and this time you are in love.
    you are not thinking clearly search it new partner and do is marriage him soon.
    some time later you forget him and he is also
    you are religious muslim women and when he is not changing his name so how can possible that he will never change after marriage your thinking is positive search it new partner and go ahead in your marriage life forget him it is very difficult i know but not impossible if you believe upon faith also ALLAH subhanaho-Talla. However if you do it him so i think this is risk and life is not depends on risks.

    and you are P.H.D Women very descent , caring , and honesty guys are awaiting your type girls if you check them seriously
    Be Aware Before marriage many time Love is not true Real & Caring Love after Marriage and i know you are religious otherwise you had gotten marriage him

    ALLAH give you Success and Religious mind.

    Now after all This is your life your decision and your family so Decisions is your.


  7. Salam. I am happy that you are a practicing Muslimah. But remember if he is not willing to change his name even after promising initially then it sounds disturbing. I have seen such marriages break up, especially marriages between Muslim girls and converted Hindu men. If he really has become a Muslim, you will come to know about it by listening to him about his ideas and views about God and His Book. He would quote verses from Quran to justify his belief in Allah and why he has lost faith in his religion. Allah says He will test those who say they believe and He knows who is true and who is false(Refer Quran, 29:2-3) . So all those who say, they believe, may not always be true. Only Allah knows. I know it is a temptation. Allah surely tempts us with worldly desires to test our Imaan. We have to remember what Allah says in the Quran about the day of Sabbath when Allah brought more fish to the shores to tempt them(Refer Quran, 7:163). This is how Allah tests our Imaan, making everything appear beautiful and attractive. Allah says a slave Muslim man or a woman is better than a non-Muslim.(Refer Quran, 2:221) When the All-Knowledgeable Allah says that even if a Muslim is slave, he/she is better than a non- Muslim, then as believers of Allah, will we not go for the better option?

  8. OK. I admit that I am confused. I thought caste was a Hindu thing, related to varna. I have heard that some believe in restricting marriage of the Ahl Al-Bayt to Queresh, but I had no idea it was a requirement.

  9. Asalam alaykum, im a practicing muslim sister who fears Allah and looking for a good practising muslim brother to marry me in sha Allah, im 23 years old , live in Usa , mixed black , tall 5'9", fair skin color, beautiful and attractive mashallah

    • zena, please use a Muslim matrimonial service or other means, as we do not allow matrimonial solicitations on this forum.

      Wael Editor

  10. Dear Sister,

    Please cut off all the ties with this man. He will spoil your life and din.
    I request you to register to some muslim matrimony site.
    This guys just want to use you and nothing more PERIOD.
    After his so called conversion how many people know he has reverted.
    You will find good match inshallah

  11. Leave that man and Marry good Muslim...over

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