IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Sisters and brothers,

I am writing to you for guidance and understanding
My explanation is on the long side, but please bear with me.  My situation is as follows:-

I met a man about 2 years ago whilst I was in ***** receiving medical dental treatment. I shall refer to him as "S" from now. He is Kurdish, in his mid 30s, and very devout in his faith and practice.

"S" and I kept in contact after that, and when it was time to see my doctor again, I returned to *****, 10 months later. During this time  I was away, "S" repeatedly asked me to return to see him, although I did not, preferring to watch the situation and know my own feelings.

When I returned to ***, "S" told me that he wished to continue our friendship.  I made it clear to him that it would have to be platonic. After all, there was much to consider as I am older than him, a Christian, but already in love with Allah and close to conversion (entirely through my own study and by the leaning of my own heart), therefore this would be the most serious decision at my time in life.  I am in my later 40s.  However, my appearance is that of someone considerably younger.

Over and over, I asked "S" if he was married or engaged or had a girlfriend and his answer was NO.

Nevertheless, I only agreed to friendship with him, with a view to perhaps a business relationship as we had discussed business many times before.

Before I would agree to starting a business relationship, I returned to **** once again, but this time with my business partner (a man of 50), to meet and 'vet' "S" and review the situation without emotion.

"S" met my business partner and told this gentleman that he was serious about me and was not married, or in any relationship with a girl or a woman.  He wished to be with me, with a view to marriage, and wanted to also go into business with me, and would be prepared to share 50% of his business as a gesture of his seriousness.

During this time, I would not commit to an intimate relationship with "S", as I had  known him for under a year and mostly from a distance. If he was a true Muslim, I told him, he would understand.  He was very committed in his Muslim faith and practice of Islam. I have long wished to commit myself to the faith in just this way, for these reasons I loved and respected him - not just as a man - and trusted him.

Further, I asked a long-standing friend to speak with "S".  My friend is a family member, a cousin, an intelligent, thoughtful and trusted person, and a Muslim brother.  I asked him to discuss with "S" about the developing friendship, possible future marriage, and business relationship.  This friend called "S", and spoke with him, and once again, "S" said he was serious about me and all these things.

After these meetings and discussions, "S" asked me to go into business with him by purchasing a property that we would develop together.  He explained that if I paid a certain amount of money as an investment this would greatly help him and our business together. The amount was in excess of 10,000 euro. It was a really difficult time for me financially, but with my mother's help, I sent "S" this money for the house/business partnership, and sent it to "S" in response to his request for help.

To cut a long story short, "S" used this money to pay for  his wedding to his Kurdish/Turkish girlfriend.

I had a strange feeling something was not right, but only found out by accident that he had married shortly after I had sent him the funds he had asked for. He used these funds to buy his wife her wedding jewelry, clothes, start a business and set up home.

Please remember I had asked "S" repeatedly if he was married, so had my business partner and a trusted friend. "S" had made it clear to them what his intentions were to me, and "S" had also made his intentions to me clear as well.

I learned subsequently that he had known his girlfriend for 5 years, and she knew his family and friends. When I discovered the truth, "S" denied everthing, although the 2 other gentlemen he spoke to remain totally clear what he promised.  I wanted answers.  I wanted the truth. "S" initially denied he was married for 3 months.  When "S" finally admitted his marital status to me,  he told that I MUST ACCEPT his marriage, and what he then tried to do was wriggle away, first by provoking fights with me to say that I was ' unreasonable 'or 'jealous'.  He tried to build an antagonism between him and I to justify 'a breakdown' in our relationship,  and then tried to RUN AWAY.

He attempted to do this by verbal insults, verbal threats, pretending that I had actually offended him and his family by finding out the truth (?) and telling me not to bother him again, not trying to use a solicitor to return my money, that I was just stupid, cheap and sick to expect to have any thing returned or any answers given, that I was simply upset because I "thought I was buying a boyfriend".

After this, "S" then ceased to reply to any phone call or message.  He told me to see a psychiatrist and good bye.

"S" had intended that my feelings of embarrassment and humiliation would be too much, and that I would fade away and simply let him keep my mother's money and put the whole experience down to 'life'.  He said I would get nothing, not my money, not the property bought- just goodbye - so that he could continue with his marriage unbothered by me.

I let "S" know that the  situation was transparent, and  would not be tolerated. I would not be his victim.

"S" found it hard to apologise or accept any wrong-doing on his part.  He simply felt this was his entitlement because I was another religion. Is this correct? Perhaps also because I am another colour and race, as everyone in his family only marry other, white skinned, Kurds, he says?  Is this correct?  "S" denies my assertion that he felt he could do this to me because of my 'different' religion and brown skin-colour. Whether it is because of my religion or skin colour, the hurt and betrayal has been indescribable.

During this unhappy time, "S"'s wife contacted me by email, in an extraordinarily rude way, to tell me who she was (his wife and, very important, more important than me), who he was (her husband and her property) and demanded that I tell her everything about him.

I did not reply then, or later, to her repeated and increasingly attacking emails (which were translated from ***** as she does not speak English).  "S" had not disclosed any information about me to her, but she had been searching in his files, phones - as I later discovered to learn of my existence, but not much more.

When "S" contacted me, I informed "S" and told him to deal with with his personal life without me, and keep his wife separate from me as I never knew of her existence until she announced herself and intruded into my life.
I since learned that although "S"s wife knows I am 'in business' with her husband, she is unaware of my part in paying for her wedding, enabling her to become a wife and sustaining her lifestyle.  Nor does anyone of "S"s family or friends know about his deception or attempted to rob me.

"S" seems to believe that this situation should be absolutely acceptable to me. That I should consider his wife more than myself and put myself "in her shoes "when she attacks me.  However little thought seems to be spared for the pressure of keeping his secret, minding her feelings but not responding to her verbal attacks, after buying her wedding and feathering her nest - at my and my mother's expense - all through her husband's lies and false promises. I certainly did NOT know of her existence and I was no-one's mistress!

The action I have taken has been to go through the appropriate authorities to press "S" to take his deeds seriously, pay me back my money, etc.  I have been careful to tell no-one in his circle the true circumstances, as it is not my wish to dishonour "S", in the manner he has dishonoured me.

However, "S" knows what he has done, and why. I have told "S" that he shall need not only to:

1. Work back every cent he took from me, but,

2. Face me, my business partner and his Muslim brother again.

The other way, of staying in ***** and working in his job, will take "S" more than 15 years to pay me back,  if I am lucky. However, he can work the money owed in the EU within 2 years.  Therefore my business partners and myself have arranged for "S" to come to the EU and work with us, under strict contracts.

I also feel he needs a chance to see himself and reflect on his life outside of home-country for a time.

"S" has repeatedly told me, since I learned about his marriage, that he "does not love" his wife but that it was his fate, but I consider this unkind and unfair both to myself and to this innocent person, and the child they now have.

"S" still pronounces his  affection for me, which he says now is far more than he could have imagined.  I would prefer his respect  and honesty instead.  "S" says he is deeply ashamed of what he has done, and says he was utterly shocked by my fairness, gentleness and self-discipline, that I did not dishonour him or his wife, or bend to her intimidations.  If I am fair and disciplined, IT IS ONLY through Allah's grace.

Perhaps "S" sincerely wishes to live another way, and make amends. In any case, he has agreed to do this in EU, and maybe this is why he obtained a passport  and will travel for the first time outside of ****.  I am processing his travel and visa paperwork and he should be able to travel in the next few months to myself and my business partners.  "S" knows that he must register with the police here, and sign a number of binding legal contracts.

My questions to you is, what can "S" do and say, as a sincere Muslim, to make amends for past wrongs to his wife and to me? What should I expect from "S"? What should his wife expect of him now? What must "S" do, if he really wishes to separate from his wife (as he says)?

How can I better myself in Allah's eyes to find peace in my heart?

Your help would be greatly appreciated.

- emadia