Islamic marriage advice and family advice

First wife refuses to accept me as second wife

Polygamy, second wife, multiple wives

Sallam allaikom. I have recently married a Muslim man as a second wife. When he told his first wife about our marriage she has refused to accept me.

He is concerned about not seeing his children. She is requesting that he get an annulment from me.

He doesn't want to divorce me & I don't want that either but I can't deprive him of his children. I am so confused & I don't know what to do. I need to know what his rights are concerning his children.

And what are my rights concerning his first wife's request for him to divorce me? Please help me.

- sallam

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148 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum, sallam,

    I cannot answer your question, I would advice you to talk to a lawyer to help you to solve your doubts, insha´Allah. It seems that if he doesn´t divorce you, she divorces from him, this is a really tough situation,
    didn´t you know about this possibility before you married?

    To break a family is a tough situation, I understand you want to know about your rights, but did you think about this mother and children rights when you married? Didn´t he ask her opinion before marrying you? Couldn´t you avoid all this struggle to all of you? I don´t want you to answer, but manytimes we just think in our own fullfilment and we don´t realize that all our acts have consequences.

    I am sorry about all of this.

    May Allah(swt) give guidance to our Hearts. Ameen.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María Editor

    • Good answer.
      Before getting married to a married man a woman must think about these possibilities .offcourse she is now also responsible for breaking a family and sufferings of innocent kids of broken home .

  2. walaykoumsalaam

    Well didn't you think twice before falling in love with this married man?
    i know it is permissible for a man in Islam to have four wives . However in extreme situations Our beloved prophet (SWT) allowed this. In Islam people use this to break sweet homes of others.

    You both should have given a thought about the children and his first wife. If the wife is not accepting you, now their children will keep cursing you and believe me you will not be happy with this husband of yours. You have broken a home and stolen someone husband.

    I do not like people like this and thus people like you, Second, third or fourth wife. It would have been different if his first wife was no more,then you marry him.

    Do not use Islam as a way of breaking other people house.

    If you can, ask divorce from your husband and let his family and him live in peace.

    • Ameen to this post. The second wife and the husband go off and do what they want without even telling the first wife. So when she is taken off guard the betrayal that accompanies the initial issue is almost worse. Don't sneak around someones back and expect a party. This is both your doing so deal with the consequences and stop complaining to kafirs. Direct your affairs to Allah.

    • thank yu i love your answer, i went through this because a selfish young girl. And trust me the pain that they bring into the family is undescribe. thank you for what you write

    • I believe you are very unjust and have made a very ignorant statement. May Allah guide you and grant you understanding. You have not acquired faith...for you would want for your sister what you want for yourself.

      Some sisters are so backward in their thinking that they would rather a man have a "girlfriend" in this religion than a "halal" wife. Ask Allah for understanding and a softening of your heart.

      • Having a girlfriend is haram, but to "fix" that mistake the man must marry his girlfriend so is extramartial affairs become alright?? The problem with this umma right now is they give the man every right to commit whatever he wants and they are using this excuse to marry a second wife for unislamic reasons. It is not fard to marry more than one. It is the exception of the rule and not the rule itself. Allah gave this allowance for men to benefit the people involved in the situation not to create problems and to cause fitna. The men of this age are not like the men of the prophets time who were god fearing and did things the right way. Allah sets a rule for men who want to marry more than 1. That if they are not able to treat their wives EQUAL than it is better for them to marry just ONE. This rule makes it nearly impossible for a man to treat his wives 100% equal. It takes a lot of effort, organization, planning and MONEY to treat his wives equal all the time. the problem with men nowadays is there is not thought of treating their wives equal at all. the new wife usually gets the nicer things, the bigger things and the man spends majority of his time with the new wife.. sometimes essentially forgetting about the first wife all together.

        Allah is all wise and fair, men are not.

        my father is prime example of how having a second wife, for no reason, can ruin families. I will not go into details but our situation has been described above and things have drastically changed for the worst end of last year and this year.

        men taking loans, going into debt to support two families because of selfishness and greed from 2nd wife. children are being neglected and ultimately left alone. Is this the example of the prophet? is this what Allah allowed for men when he said they can marry more than 1? surely not !

        Partaking in haram relations, marrying in secret, not providing for the families equally, innocent children hurt and ignored and left without a present father etc etc all of this because of a selfish man. This is the state of our umma, the state of the majority of the men who marry more than one. hasbiyallah wa na3mal wakeel. Allah will punish these men for the damage and descruction they did. They were not appreciative of what Allah has given them to begin with and instead let shaitan and their selfishness abuse Allah's rahma and deen.

        lahwaala kowata illa billah.

        Wish for your sister what you wish for yourself: a pious devoted loyal husband who is a provider and great father not a womanizer, debt accumulator, neglectful of his responsibilities and abandonment of children all because he wants to have more fun in bed or wants to "correct" his haram extra martial affair.

        by the way, there are also women of haram who are out to get men on purpose and to ruin families. hasbiyallah.

        May Allah forgive me and guide me to the right path. Amen.

        • In my opinion not all second wives are bad person, i know there are some who are selfish and they just want to take everything. But what if the second wife is a good woman? What if the husband can be equal and still takes care of the first wife, the kids and their home? Will you be able to accept this kind of situation? Will the first wife be happy knowing that the husband will divorce the second wife to please the first wife and the family? Given that the husband did what the first wife wants of course the first wife will be happy, but what about the husband's feelings and happiness, isn't it important too.

          • Im a second wife my husband told me he cared for his wife but does not love her anymore they been married for 25 years with 5 grown up kids when we were dating he assured me everything will be ok they have threaten him to leave me they are emotionally black mailing him his mother has become very ill due to this they are so religious I'm more westernised but do follow my culture as much as I can we did marry in secrecy but now his wife has found out about me I've comprised for 5 years why can't she I know it's not easy for any woman to share her husband they don't even sleep together for the past 7 to 8 years now she has told him to forgot about me if he doesn't his kids will disown him for ever and so will his mother he's never supported me which didn't bother me as I have my own house and job we fell in love and married just don't know what to do me and him have never argued it's his family causing problems they say to him ur going to leave all us for her that's me please help

          • @nish


            Your husband is committing a grave sin in talking to you about his intimate life with his first wife. The Prophet told us that one of the most important secrets never to be revealed is what happens between a husband and wife in the bedroom. There is a lso a hadith that says something like a man is allowed to hide the truth to make his wife happy. How do you know that he is telling the truth? He may have said this only to calm you down and make you marry him - he may in fact have a very healthy and active sexlife with his first wife. He probably does. Let's hope so, for the sake of justice between wives and his first wife's rights over her husband.

            Nikah is to be declared to the world we are told. If you marry secretly, what do you expect? Why would he be ashamed of nikah when it happens and then suddenly declare it openly after? I have never understood women who believe that will happen! And if you wanted for your sister what you want for yourself, would you not wish for his first wife to have a healthy, active sexlife with her and your husband? And also a marriage built on trust?
            You want to trust your husband, don't you think she does too?

            Polygamy may be allowed, deceiving, sneaking and lying is not. I will make duaa that both you and his first wife will be able to find peace.

          • If that is the situation then that is okay, but most often than not it is not what happening. The first wife will be of fault if that is the case, however if the case is vice versa, the husband cannot fulfill his duty, the first wife pay all the financial aspect of her children, the husband only supports the second family since they are the family that is near him or living with him. Is it a valid reason for the first wife to divorce his husband?

        • Good answer

      • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

        I don't think you really understand the meaning of "love for your brother what you love for yourself"

        May Allah grant us full understanding and soften our hearts.

      • Well said

    • I would like to point out that a woman cannot STEAL another woman's husband. The husband willingly lusts and chases after the female. The blame lies with the husband. Expecting a female to take responsibility for the male's decision is irrelevant since surah 4:34 addresses the MAN ONLY not the female in the Quran. In the Quran, it doesn't even ask women to be comfortable with polygamy.

      In Hannafi school of thought, even if the male agrees to the contingency that he will not take another wife, and he does, this school of thought maintains the stance the marriage / nikka is still valid just that promise was broken. In laymans terms : if the wife's only reasoning for wanting a divorce is a second wife even if he broke his promise she is not entitled to a divorce.

      Other schools of thought do honor the wife's stipulation if she chooses to divorce by Khula if he does take another wife.

      I personally get annoyed with individuals who state the wives should tolerate their husband getting remarried and deal with it especially since Ali was forbidden by the prophet (saws) to marry another wife while married to lady Fatima (ra) on the ground it might 'upset her'. There are several links via google search citing sources for this. Why did Ali adhere to his end of the bargain and modern day women are shunned for not wanting to deal with the emotional trauma of plural marriage? This is a clear double standard.

      For the record though, men would be wise to start taking responsibility for their decision to marry more than one woman. Weigh all the headaches and responsibilities of one's actions carefully. Stop expecting women to just be alright with the situation. There was jealousy even among the wives of the prophet (saws). Its human nature. Since when is it a woman's job to go against her own human instinct to accept something distasteful to her?

      Men should acknowledge that taking another wife has it's pitfalls. Having more than one wife is a right not a requirement. A man who refuses to consult his first wife is responsible for what ever fall out happens especially with his children. One of my dearest friends is the daughter of the 2nd wife from 3 wives. The children are constantly at odds, the wives have no contact with the other and even financially some wives have been taken advantage of and there is immense animosity.

      (4:129) - "Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire" Underscores that a man is not able to treat multiple wives fairly. He would therefore be unable to acquire more than one wife if this were a requirement - which it is not.

    • I'm a Christian, but interested in Islam and other religions. I really didn't expect such response as Muslimah19's on April 28, 2011 from a muslim. As I know, the man doesn't have to ask permission from his first wife to marry another woman. He is free to do whatever he wishes in this respect. And the first wife must accept. And if a muslim man divorces his first wife, the children would stay with him, in accordance with Sharia. For me all this is really disturbing. But this is how it is in Islam. Though I know that now these rules are not so strictly followed by muslims.

      Anyway, the woman who asked the question and her husband would have to deal with unpleasant consequences.

      • Mari, I don't know where you got these ideas. You're wrong about some of these things, especially regarding custody of the children after divorce.

        A woman said to the Prophet (peace be upon him): “This son of mine – my womb carried him, my breast fed him and my lap was a bed for him. Now his father has divorced me and wants to take him away from me. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “You have the priority to take him unless you get remarried.” [Musnad Ahmad, Sunan Abî Dâwûd, and Mustadrak al-Hâkim].

        In another case in which the boy was older, a woman came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said: “My husband wants to take my son away from me.”

        The Prophet (peace be upon him) said to the child: “This is your father and this your mother, so take the hand of whom you like.” The boy took the hand of his mother and they went together. [Sunan al-Tirmidhî]

        Wael Editor

    • This is absolutely ugly! Shame on you for shaming this girl!! I am a second wife, I know he was married before he married me. I'm sure his first wife knew it too. Only in extreme situations is it permissible to have more than one wife. My husband battled with immigration for over 10 years and when I met him we were not friends or lovers I knew people that knew him and we were in the same places at the same time and one day someone told me his bad situation and I offered to sponsor him, I was not in a good situation either. I was a single mom and I had a small baby with no help. He said he would never marry me just for his legal status but said he would love and honor his first wife and he would love and honor me just the same. With no chance of business or a good job in his country, America was his only option but he had no chance to stay unless he was sponsored. Did I help him or hurt him? Your opinions are yours but I helped him provide a better life for his family and his wife and children as well as our life together. If you dislike what Allah has decreed than Maybe you dislike something that is good for you and like something which is bad for you. This is sunnah to have more than one wife (not that the man has to want or act apon it but it is permissible). if you want to follow the prophet (Peace and blessings be upon him) and you want to say you have read, understood and accepted Islam but your going to say I do not agree or like more than one wife and I think this is wrong, keep it away from my life and marriage maybe it is that you are repulsive to the what you say you love and understand and a way of living of our dearly beloved prophets (Peace and blessings be upon him).

      All I'm saying is that I absolutely love Allah (swt) and the prophets (Peace and blessings be upon him), and if it is pleasing Allah (swt) it is pleasing to me. I also love my husband. I love his first wife in a way that MashaAllah she is my sister in Islam, Alhamdulillah, she is now my family and I respect her to never hurt her, Shame her or try to provoke jealousy. I see myself as a servant to her in a since that:
      Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3254 Narrated by Anas ibn Malik
      Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of Paradise she wishes." She has pleased my husband and seeks acceptance from Allah, so why should I hate her? Lastly, I have pleased my husband and seek acceptance from Allah then why should she hate me?

      If my post is harsh I am sorry, but I am angry with women who pick and choose what they will believe in Islam without understanding it as a whole. I understand I will receive a lot of hate for this post but I love Allah and his messenger (may the peace and blessings of Allah be apon him) and also my husband because he brings me closer to Allah. ❤️

    • Good reply , I agree. 1st wife should kick such kind of husband .

  3. Assalamualaikum

    I am surprised with the answers you have got from others. They are totally baseless. You havent done anything wrong and you are as much as wife of this man as his first. You shouldn't get involved with the matter of him and his first wife. Let him deal with the situation. Just enjoy your life with this man and live happily ever after. Islam does not restrict to become a second wife.

    • Getting married in secret is not wrong? I have a major question to you all supporting this marriages, is a secret nikah is still a nikah? What is the definition of nikah? Why do we even do nikah, if we do not want people, especially our family doesnt know about it?

      • Based on the three school of thoughts as shafi , Maliki and hanbali men does not require the permission of the first wife if he wishes get involved in second marriage . A lot of the Shaba ' s got married second third and fourth times without even notifying their incumbent ant wife/ wives.

  4. Assalamualaikum sister

    I dont understand your logic here that its only for extreme cases. Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h) married Ayesha (razi Allah) for which extreme reason? Its upon men that if they can do justice they can consider doing it.

  5. Assalamu allaycom sisters

    I wanna ask Allah to guide us to the straigt path Ameen.
    Sisters come to blame her that she broke up a happy home is just not fair.
    This is the right of a man in islam ,and the man doesnt need permission from his wife .
    So dont blame her at all. I think its up to the man to heal this and try to find a solution as its him who took the second wife. And its lawful . SO stop blaming the sisters and let's make dua for her, and for the other wife.
    Allah is most wise , and we have to have trust in him that he knows what's best for us.

    Byeeeeeeee From AL-KUWAIT

    • A man does not need the first wife's permission it is true. But then this ugly mess is what happens when they don't.

      A second wife should always try to find out if the first wife is on board or not, for her own sake. How can 2nd wife have a happy home when the first wife, is going to fight it with all the emotional weapons that she has. A years long service to the husband and his family, and his elder children. Also she knows him better and what makes him tick, so she gonna make him tick.

      The OP and the husband were probably hoping the first wife would bow down to the inevitable. But sometime when people are put into a corner the fight back viciously, in a way they might not have done if they were approached reasonably.

      This is a sorry situation that all three involved in the marriage will have to sort out together. My advice would be for the OP to try and see the 1st wife (not alone and from a safe distance) and gauge for herself what kind of person she is and if it is possible to make her agree. If not, it may be best for her to cut her losses.

      The husband is obviously not capable of dealing with polygamy and even if this initial problem is sorted out there may be future tug of wars over everything from holidays to shopping days etc.

    • A women has the right to ask for her husband to get married only once when she is getting married to him for the first time. Sisters a written contract will protect you and you can confront later if such matters happens. It is time for muslim man acknowledge the existence of women and discuss with their wife when they are taking a major decision that is going to effect the wife and the children. Unfortunately in some cultures they make babies and do not concern about he physiological health of the children. And we now have a sick ummah suffering due to the acts of selfish fathers.

  6. I don't understand how these sisters are answering . I am pretty sure that being female , they are having sympathy for the 1st wife , and hence cannot think logically . All these answers are basically reflecting their emotions .

    You cannot fight with the law and permission given by Islam . If he can care for both wives emotionally , financially and physically then there is no harm in marrying 2nd , 3rd or 4th wife .

    We must marry for the sake of Allah and to please him . At least that man want to have relations with a woman in a halal way unlike other males who commit affairs and adultery so easily .

    Please sisters , try not to be sexist in your opinions . Please consider both sides of the matter and not just focusing on one side .

  7. Guten Tag !
    I have a question please. I am "a new muslim" and converted last year and the whole polygamy is still a mystery to me.

    • Natalia,

      I have deleted your comment. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post.

      SisterZ Editor

    • It is often portrayed that muslim women are powerless when it comes to polygamy (an ignorant view that unfortunately some muslims also hold) when in fact this is not the case:

      “… marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one.” (Quran 4:3)

      The Muslim is not permitted to differentiate between his wives in regards to sustenance and expenditures, time, and other obligations of husbands. Islam does not allow a man to marry another woman if he will not be fair in his treatment. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) forbade discrimination between the wives or between their children.

      No one can force a woman to marry a married man. Islam simply permits polygamy; it neither forces nor requires it. Besides, a woman may stipulate that her husband must not marry any other woman as a second wife in her prenuptial contract.

      Finally, it is worth knowing that Islam gives a woman the right to refuse polygyny for her husband by setting it as a condition during the marriage procedures. If this condition is set, then the woman is granted divorce if her husband marries another while he is still married to her. As part of the marriage agreement (i.e. ceremony) the woman is fully within her [islamic] rights to stipulate or include a 'clause' that if he marries another woman, their marriage will be null and void. The point of such a clause is that there shall be no polygyny in the relationship.

  8. assalamu alaikoum to everyone in this group,

    I am writing because i want to give the poster of this question a perspective from someone who's father married a second wife whom his children and first wife do not accept.

    I am sorry to say but I have NO respect for women who marry men who are already married with children. This does nothing but damage and completely break the first family and cause the children to go into depression, contemplate suicide and cause their mother to leave them. You should be ashamed of yourself for getting involved with this man knowing that he is already married with children. Of course his wife doesnt accept you! would you accept your husband to marry someone else and break up your family and cause your children to get sick?

    ya subhanallah. we live in a society where people have become selfish and are abusing the teachings of islam.

    My father had the perfect wife and we are 5 children. He secretly married a second woman who she knew my father was happily married with children. She did not care less that this marriage will damage his first family. all she cared about was getting married to a rich man. of course half the blame is my father. now because of what my father and this selfish woman did... his first wife is in depression, crying everyday, never at home with the children, 2 of the children are failing in school, the oldest child moved out because she couldnt handle it anymore and my brother is suffering silently and has history of depression.

    our family is completely destroyed. My father never comes home, he is lying ALL the time about his whereabouts and his travels, he ignores me and my siblings cries for him to divorce the first second and to return to us. the second wife has done nothing but put my father in more debt, riba and haram and now he is forced to take care of HER children (from another husband). so now we, my fathers biological children, are being neglected and we are also losing on our inheritance.

    Men are weak and women are selfish. What happened to the women of deen, the women who are clear thinkers, the men who do not take advantage of the allowed 4 wives rule in islam..this is not without restrictions! and believing men who marry these men should know better!

    I am sorry sis, but I am siding with the man's first wife and his children. the children are innocent and have no right to suffer from this situation. Also the first man's wife who has suffered though years and years and gave birth to his children and now because you came along, she means nothing and his kids can be taken away from him. This man's duties are to his children. That is his islamic duty and to marry more than 1 wife, he MUST treat them equally.

    why would you put yourself in this kind of situation? are you desperate to get married? Did you not know about his situation before marriage? surely you had common sense to understand that his first wife would not approve of this. May Allah forgive all of us and put sense in our brains and more importantly guide us away from hurting people and keep us on the righteous path.

    Pray that you find a man who is unmarried so that you can live a happy life with no baggage.

    • by the way, of course every situation is different but the majority are like this. I also have an aunt who is the second wife of a man who is already married. however his first wife gave him permission to marry a second wife because she (first wife) did not want him and could not take care of him anymore. So subhanallah this righteous muslim man did the right thing, went by the islamic teachings and married the second wife with his children's blessings!! My aunt also approached the children before her marriage to ask them if it was ok to accept their father's marriage proposal, in fact they knew their mother was "sick" and could not take care of their father and they were happy.

      Maybe the poster's situation is different and it can be acceptable what she did but my guts are telling me its a typical "man with perfect wife marrying second wife for no reason and destroying his family".. thus too freely abusing the rights of islam and neglecting his duties as the caregiver and care taker of his family and wife.

      lahwala kowata illa billah

      • Sister R - I am very concerned regards your statements because in your case, maybe that second wife knew your family, but maybe she did not. I am a second wife, I asked over and over BEFORE marriage, are you married, have you been married, are you to get married to a family member or other person in your society according to your parents wishes? All these were given a NO by my husband, I did not have a clue he was married, for 6 YEARS!!!!!! He in fact married her one year before me almost to date, as our anniversaries are 362 days apart!!!!!!!!!!!! I did not go up to him or introduce myself to my husband, he came to me i told him to get lost and he kept coming to me till i allowed him to talk with me. My first questions were regards his status as a single or married man. I married him about 20 days after that first talk. I did not ruin anything for the first wife, who had a kid with him, then after my son was born she had another kid with him, and i am really upset. why did he have a second kid? why did he not divorce her since he obviously did not want to be married to her in the first place? why is he still having her in his life and in her bed and got her pregnant even??? he lied to her, he lied to me, he lied to his parents, i do not have an issue with her but she is causing me to hate her by her actions of lieing to me and to my husband. she calls him when he is with me in the middle of the night! she comes to my room in the house at night too pretending to bring food. who eats after 9pm unless fasting? so my point is, do not put blame on 2nd wife unless you sit and talk with her yourself, because I am sure she has not a clue what is going on.

        • You should not have married a man you only knew for 20 days. Frankly sister that is just really irresponsible. If you had waited for a few months you could have found out that he was married in that time since your family would have had more time to ask about him. Instead you rushed unnecessarily and now you are stuck in this situation.

    • Sister R, iam sorry for what has happend in your family, BUT all your father did was marry again and you blame all that has happend on him and his new wife sorry but if any of you starting from your mother had more eman then you children would not have suffered needlessly, we have a saying in my culture about when a man takes another wife, and the behaviour of the first wife, to types of women one who gets so envious that she goes mad and ruin's her family (children) or one who takes her fate with honor and pleases Allah and her family and never loses her honor in anyones eyes,envy comes from shaytan, so plz dont lose the love you have for your father who took care and loved you and still does,dont push him away.

      • thanks for your concern and post sister Zenaa, but in fact you have it all wrong.

        If it wasnt for my mother, everything would be much more worse off. She acts infront of people that everything is alright and still cooks, cleans and does everything for my father and us kids. the part about her leaving the house is for few hours each day because when she is home all she does is cry because the house and seeing us kids remind her of the problems. She even is dealing with my dad's lack of money because all hsi money is going to the second wife. she has to use credit cards to buy grocery because the bank account has no money. my father is treating his second wife like a queen (new house, new car, vacations etc). we never see him at home, he is travelling ALL the time and doesnt even know what his children are doing. I do nto like to go in too much details about the situation but my father started this in all the wrong and unislamic way and put my mother who is an arabic and islamic teacher in a very difficult situation. My father does not want to make his second marriage public. is all secret and my mom plus all of us kids are keeping it secret as my father requested this... now is this islamic?????? there are rumors going around that my father is seem with this woman and we are the ones that know he is married to this woman. my mom has never contacted the other woman or tried to make any trouble for her. my mother is the most kindest, patient woman in the world. if i was in her situation i would have divorced. one of my father's friends who tried to intervene and convince my father to divorce the second wife told him that his first wife is an angel and the most ideal wife in the whole community (mashallah). His friend himself said that my mother has everything any man would want in a wife and that my fahter made a very big mistake. my father still says he loves my mother and he doesnt want to leave my mother but he will not choose her over the second wife.

        we live in the west and having two wives is illegal. if something were to happen to my father, all the riba and loans is going to be on my mom's head and us children.. the mortgage of the second wive;s house, the cars, the credit cards everything! my father is unable to afford two wives..well he is affording it by loans and credit cards and putting this haram pressure on my mother. i work alhamdulah and i also have given money to my father and mother because they were lacking and my father is supposed to be wealthy !! this second wife is doing nothing but sucking all this money and my poor father is love and ego blind.

        my father was warned about this woman many times by his friends that she was found gossiping with her friends that her goal was to divorce her poor husband and marry my rich father so she can live a "happy life". My dad is blind and never listend to anyone. even our local shiekh told him to divorce this woman that nothing good is coming out of this relationship. the sheikh said to my dad that all us kid's failures and sickness (i.e. depression, suicide thoughts) is all on his head for what he did and that Allah will hold him responsible for what he did. my father has clearly chosen this second women over his first wife of 30 years and his 5 children. hasbiyallah wa na3mal wakeel. he is too proud and has a big ego and never admits that he did a mistake. his second wife has done nothing but put him in more haram.

        i am sorry but this situation is nothing that is allowable in islam. few people who have found out about our story are amazed at my mother for her patience and keeping the haya of the family. to the point that people do not believe the story because they see my mom acting still like the perfect wife. its all an act infront of people just to save my father's reputation and not get him in trouble with the law. !!!!!!! his second marriage is putting everyone in his family in trouble, sickness and pushing him away. i frankly do not have the same feelings for my father anymore.

        i am scared to death that my lack of communication with him is going to upset Allah but i cannot help it. I cannot speak to him normally. All i do is say salam alaikoum and answer his questions with one words and thats it. i avoid him and he avoids me. i am the oldest and I tried to talk some sense into his head but he treats me like a little kid. i moved out of the house into my own apartment because of this problem and he did not try to stop me. i told him it is because i canno take it anymore and am becoming depressed. he is delusional and does not want to believe that his childrens' behaviours are because of what he did and our depression because of the situation. the shikh told us even that my father has become blind and he fears that something very bad will happen to my father or one of his children before my father "wakes up".

        and so that is why i am completely against second/third/fourth wives. Allah swt is the most genorous and the most fair and everything he has made halal for us and haram for us are with restrictions. these days men and women abuse their privledges and do not take the teachings of islam 100% they pick and choose what works for them and leave the rest.

        women especiallly in this day of age are selfish, greedy and only care about their well being without ever thinking about the laws of the land, the well being of the first wife and children and if men are weak, women are using their "powers" to lure men in. astagfirllah. it is no wonder that in hadith we are told more women in hell than men. lahawala kowata illa billah.

        My dad is old and is nowhere near ready for retirement. he has no savings and has tens of thousands of debt and loans and not only is he supporting his 5 kids and first wife (barely) he is giving his second wife a life of a queen while supporting HER kids !!! her kids are not his responsibility ! this second wife is very smart. i pray for punishment for her for what she did to my mother and my siblings and for ruining our life and for taking our father away from us and for forcing me to loose love for my fahter and possibly upsetting Allah because of this.

        la ilaha ialla allah. i am in tears now and because we are keeping this a secret i have no one to speak to and it boils up inside. i read quran, i pray. in every sujod am praying for him and for everyone and the muslim imma. alhamdulah i am a good muslim and i take care of myself and tho i live on my own, i have no loans, no mortgage and none of that haram stuff alhamdulah wal shokor.

        forgive me for the long post. i am very sorry and i ask forgiveness from Allah. I also pray that Allah is pleased with me and how i live my life and i hope he is not upset with my emotions towards my father as i cannot help it and i am hurt very badly.


        • Sister,
          May Allah help us all. I am your mother (although probably not as patient) and you are my children. I fully empathize with your situation as i and my 4 children live it everyday. Secret marriage, doesn't want anyone to know. Well...if it's ok, why not shout it out to the world? She has been here for a week (we are in the west as well) and i only found out yesterday. Stupid me. Haven't i been humiliated enough. And now he wants me to meet her. I don't want anything to do with her and asked him not to bring her to my home.
          I feel like the worst person in the world for not accepting this marriage. I feel like my Iman is non-existant. However, there is alot of history and i have been hurt many times by him and not willing to endure any more abuse.
          I am in tears, reading your story because it's very similar to mine. I have asked for a divorce and will get it, InshaAllah.

          Although Islam allows multiple wives, it is not mandatory and not for every man. If a man is treating his first wife with respect and fulfilling her and his children's rights, he would be in Jannah on earth and really wouldn't need to marry a second. And if he still wanted to, his first wife would probably be a little envious but would be more willing to accept it just for the type of man he was. Unfortunately, in alot of cases, these men are selfish, and want to fulfill their desires above the needs of their families. Their happiness comes first and they are blind to the damage they leave in their wake.

          May Allah help us get through this trial....ameen.

          • Also, please don't wish harm on any person. Allah will deal with all matters in due time as he knows all of our intentions. And may he forgive us for our wrongdoings for what we think is right, may not be as such.

        • I feel ur pain .

      • Zenaa said:

        "Sister R, iam sorry for what has happend in your family, BUT all your father did was marry again and you blame all that has happend on him and his new wife sorry but if any of you starting from your mother had more eman then you children would not have suffered needlessly, we have a saying in my culture about when a man takes another wife, and the behaviour of the first wife, to types of women one who gets so envious that she goes mad and ruin's her family (children) or one who takes her fate with honor and pleases Allah and her family and never loses her honor in anyones eyes,envy comes from shaytan, so plz dont lose the love you have for your father who took care and loved you and still does,dont push him away."

        How dare you insult and question the integrity and eemaan of her mother! Subhanallah.

        As for "one who takes her fate with honor", who are you trying to hoodwink? There is no honor in humiliation. Alhamdullilah Allah has given us humans free choice and a mind. We know what is good for us and what is not, we know what we are allowed and what the rules are.

        Ignorant people like you really get on my nerves. It is often portrayed that muslim women are powerless when it comes to polygamy (an ignorant view that unfortunately some muslims also hold) when in fact this is not the case:

        “… marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one.” (Quran 4:3)

        The Muslim is not permitted to differentiate between his wives in regards to sustenance and expenditures, time, and other obligations of husbands. Islam does not allow a man to marry another woman if he will not be fair in his treatment. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) forbade discrimination between the wives or between their children.

        No one can force a woman to marry a married man. Islam simply permits polygamy; it neither forces nor requires it. Besides, a woman may stipulate that her husband must not marry any other woman as a second wife in her prenuptial contract.

        Finally, it is worth knowing that Islam gives a woman the right to refuse polygyny for her husband by setting it as a condition during the marriage procedures. If this condition is set, then the woman is granted divorce if her husband marries another while he is still married to her. As part of the marriage agreement (i.e. ceremony) the woman is fully within her [islamic] rights to stipulate or include a 'clause' that if he marries another woman, their marriage will be null and void. The point of such a clause is that there shall be no polygyny in the relationship.

      • sallam sister zenna

        how disghusting for you to blame Sister R mother. you dont know them or her mother and you dont have any right to judge them. this isnts islamic!

        Look even the prophet said that women do suffer in polygamous relationships. being devistated is understandable. kids not having there fathers not seeing your husband destroys the family.

        And isnt lieing a sin? he hid the marriage for 2 years? is this ok? you say her mother is wrong for not accepting the situation your quick to judge that but is the fathers lieing not evident and worng?

        • please please you guys are too harsh on sister Zenaa. She did not realize the whole situation and after i explained to her she did apologize after for her post (see below).

          thank you tho for standing by me betrayed and abdallah. 🙂

  9. Sister R please forgive me when i read your first post i just jumped to conclusions about your situation, i am so sorry for what you being the oldest and your mother and other siblings are going thur, what has happened to your father is truly a disaster and to make it worst he is in complete denial about what his actions have caused Subhan'Allah your mother is so strong 30 years is a long time to give to someone only to have them behave like this in old age,sister you said you moved out please go back to your mother house and be her right hand and shoulder to lean on i no its hard for you but imagine how hard it is for her who gave her youth health and heart to this marriage, all i can do is make Dua for you all that your father see reason, and your mother stay's strong and her iman grow's stronger everyday and that you and your siblings get to the other side of this, as for the other women she should be a shamed of herself she may get away with it in this life but not in the next.

  10. Assalamu allaycom sister R ,

    I am sorry to read your sad story. Insh"Allah everything will come ok with you and your family.
    Just please dont pray against an other muslim. Maybe you can try to talk to the second wife and tell her your side of the story , and how your mother is suffering under all this. I am wondering from wich culture you are ? Insh'Allah Allah will help you and he is Al-Hakim most wise.

  11. thank you sisters for your posts and duas. jazakum allahu alkhair. May Allah reward you and give you a long life of health and blessings and keep evil away from you. AMEN . and please dont be sorry. This situation has been 4 years now and it hasnt gotten easier. All we can do is pray pray pray dua dua dua. as regards to speaking with the other woman. absolutely noway. my father said if we attempted to even communicate with her that its a red line and he would automatically forget us as his family. :S Rabi yahdee wa samha.

    i am supporting my mother as much as i can. I am scared she will get sick (cancer or something god forbid) from this. i dont know how much a person can take. Only hope is in Allah, only health is from Allah.

    even tho i moved out, i still live close and see her every other day. she was the one that encouraged me to move out. my poor siblings are suffering inside quietly, my father is clueless and in denial. I almost lost it, moving out was the only solution.

    so you can imagine how in this day in age and especially livin in the west where more than one wife is illegal even, that more than one wife CANNOT work. Allah swt is most smart and practical. when he sent down the permission for men allowed to marry more than 1 it was ONLY to solve problems, not to create them. in this day in age, where men and women are not close in their deen and they are doing lots of other haram, they are misusing the islamic deen for their benefit and their selfish needs causing more trouble, more problems and putting themselves in legal trouble in the west. surely this is not what Allah intended. he is most wise and merciful.

    May Allah put common sense in these people;s heads, keep evil away from them, keep the deen close to their hearts and forgive their sins.

    i pray to Allah to give my mother patiences and to heal my siblings of this sorrow and make them successful in their schools and to keep this second woman away from our family and cure my father of this blind-ness.

    lahwala kowata illa billah.

    p.s. please sisters. PLEASE before you marry a man who's already married with children. THINK! do not be selfish. if you be patient, Allah will send u a god fearing man who is not married that you can build your life with him without breaking up another family or giving yourself unnecessary heart ache.
    wallahu a3lam

  12. Assalaamu Alaykum

    The situation doesn't have to be an "extreme" one for a man to take a second wife. If he just felt like it purely based on sexual desires then its halal for him to do so.

  13. asalamalikum this situation looks just like my life my husband got married to other woman without my knowledge and now he says he cant take both equally and he is regretting for getting married for the second time i askd him for a divorce when i came to know this and askd him to live with second wife happily bcoz i love him very much i cant see him in pain if i go away from his life he can b happy but he wants my son only then he will divorce me i agreed to give him my son also still he is playing games with me he is not divorcing me its true islam permits you to have more than 1 wife but islam never permits you to cheat someone or break your first wife\s heart and the child who is suffering bcoz of this islam never permits you to play with lives islam never permits you to betray someone when the first wife wants to move out of this triangle then he should divorce me

  14. can a first wife that cannot have child ask for a child from his second wife ???

  15. Assalamualikum,

    I know this blog started many months ago and I make dua for everyone who has posted there stories. May Allah swt, forgive us for our sins and be merciful towards us.

    In a way I was pleased to have come across this blog for many reasons, mainly to be reassured that I'm not going through such situation on my own. I though talking to someone would be pointless because I'm the only one living with such a huge dilmma.

    My husband of five years always wanted another wife and before we married I agreed that he may have a second wife in due course with conditions which would (with Allah's blessings) help us live a happy and healthy life together. We both sat down and agreed the boundaries. We were extremely happy together, our only argument would be about the dishes, trivial everyday nuances rather than anything critical.

    18months ago he met someone who was willing to join us as a second wife and he asked her if she would marry him. We were supposed to meet and make sure we were going to be able to live together (as this was one of the agreements) however it went sour very quickly. She didn't speak the same language as me therefore it was difficult to communicate and I found it difficult to find common ground with her. I kept telling my husband that I don't think it will work and it is causing arguments and bad feelings between him and I. One of the agreements my husband and I had is that the second wife would need to establish a good friendship with me as this would keep the peace and harmony in our home. However the second wife had no interest in being my friend and expressed her desire to live in a separate house. She tells my husband that she is trying to get to know me but in practice I was the one that was trying my best to accommodate her.

    Things between my husband and I have not been the same since he met her. And I couldnt understand why he kept fighting for her. I kept telling him God willing we will find someone who will compliment our relationship not pull us apart. 8months ago I found out its because he married her and they both had been lying to me. I still feel like a fool and humiliated to this day.

    I have asked my husband for a divorce as I am unable to deal with the emotions and anger that has built up inside me. I Pretend that I am ok and have told my husband that I am asking for a divorce due to other problems,but in reality I'm just heartbroken. My husband asked our close friends who attended his marriage or friends & family who knew about the marriage to keep it a secret from me. I just constantly feel like anh idiot to have blindly loved and trusted him. I have suicidal thoughts and when I get angry thinking about it I feel like breaking everything in my sight. I don't want him to suffer or be upset I just pray that he remains happy.

    May Allah swt forgive me.

    • AA, sister. I truly feel for you. It really hurts when something is done behind your back and everyone keeps it a secret. I am constantly humiliated to this day. My husband married another woman after visiting back home. I found out 3 weeks after he returned only to have him lie when confronted about it. it was confirmed, however.
      We sought the help from a local scholar and I started coming around to accepting the idea...maybe. He was supposed to inform me 3 months before her arrival so we could plan a proper living arrangement. I never agreed to have her live in MY home. I told him that it was his responsibility to provide equally for her as for me. She arrived one week before eid-ul-adha and no one told me. He even asked the kids not to tell me as he didn't want to ruin my eid. The fact that he thought it would ruin my eid should have been his first clue as to how wrong it was to bring her here without my knowledge. I found out a week after her arrival.

      I refuse to meet her. I have nothing to say to her and i feel humiliated at the thought of facing her. May Allah help me. So to this day, i haven't met her and i don't plan to.

      Our situation is very different in that you and your husband didn't really fight before his second marriage. We were constantly fighting. There are still many issues that make a reconciliation impossible but he is still 'trying'. Possibly to say later that he 'tried'. I really think he's living the life now. No kids, no real responsibilities. It's easy to write a check whenever needed. He visits his children for about 5 min at a time always 'needing to do something'. She's approx.16 yrs his junior and does want children which is making him wonder what he got himself into. Men are often like children- they don't think of the consequences of their actions. Desires...

      It's very difficult when the actions of one person turn your whole world upside down. Please don't lose hope. Everything happens for a reason and InshaAllah things will work out fine. Remember that no man is worth dying over and broken stuff leads to more pain- i.e. I haven't had a towel bar in my washroom for 2 years- poor towel bar. 🙂

      A prayer for you from little me. May Allah SWT make it easier for all of us and forgive us for any wrong doing....ameen.

      • sister yummy,

        i remember you. i hope you are doing well. it seems you are still in your situation. lahawala kowata illa billah. i pray Allah heals your heart and allows ur situation to improve. i pray your children dont suffer because of this... it is always the children who are sacrificed, i know this speaking from the child perspective who's father is married to a second wife.

        by the way, i have a comment for the male posters in this thread. la ilaha ila allah. i will not be easy in this post.

        not one sympathetic brother for his suffering sisters???????? are you all selfish, defending these men who take on women out of pure selfishness . is this what Allah teaches? is this what you learned from the prophet saws?????

        saying a man can marry a second wife even out of desire?! do you not know your deen? I am not ignorant and ESPECIALLY after what happend to my father i feel i am very well versed in this topic. A man who is unable to EQUALLY take care of all his wife will suffer great punishment from Allah...and because of this Allah says its better to marry ONLY one. Marriage comes with contract, comes with public knowledge, comes with inheritance, responsibility.... its not a game. its not a pleasure, desire game to be played on people's emotions and weaknesses by deceit, lies and hiding from public... this is what these men are doing!!! and so far all the brother's posts in here are supporting these kinds of men?! are you for real?!

        where are the honourable men? examples of the prophet and the sahaba in you? in these current men who marry more than one? did the prophet and the sahaba lie or hide their 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife? did they lie in public or hide in public in fear of shame or being arrested? did they neglect their first wife and their children because of this? did they rack up loans and debt because of marrying more than one? ...when Allah makes something halal.. it shouldnt lead to haram! the men of this century are doing wrong wrong wrong and making something halal into haram. hasbiyallah! and the sad problem is we have men and even sheikhs on TV who will support these men!!!

        hasbiyallah! support fitna, support wrong doing. good men should talk to these men and encourage them to do the right thing. stand for your sisters and show some sympathy. Who will protect and stand for the rights of your muslim sisters if not for her muslim brothers?! right now its the western law that sides with the first wife if she is wronged. what a shame from the muslim community! what cowards and hypocrites. rabi yahde and forgive us all.

        the prophet was the perfect example. just look to him and all of you can clearly see the wrong in all the stories above.... then think about what comes out of your mouth in support of these men. you should be ashamed of yourselves

        (of course not all men are the same...unfortunately majority are)

      • As salamu alaykum,

        Ameen to your prayer. And May Allah(swt) ease your ways to the Path of Forgiveness and unconditional love and guide you to the best for both of you and your families. Ameen.

        All my Unconditional Love,
        María Editor

    • assalmu alaikoum,

      ya subhanallah. this post is still active even several months later. this just shows what a catastrophe marrying second wife and abusing Allah's law has become. Selfish and irresponsible men and women.
      hasbiyallah wa na3mal wakeel.

      sister masalama.. your story breaks my heart but am not surprised anymore at these kinds of husbands. lying, cheating and abusing the laws of islam. You are an example of near perfect. mashallah discussing with your husband and even allowing him to marry is a very difficult thing for any woman to do and EVEN with your generosity and understanding he STILL managed to screw things up, marry in secret and lie to you!!!!!! it makes me so mad! Allah presented him with a blessing (you) and he was ignorant and blind. typical. I have no respect for these kinds of people and people who abuse this polygamy rule in islam. Allah made islam easy to follow, with rules and exceptions, yet there are people who still abuse and use. May Allah punish them greatly for this and forgive the genuine ones who make mistake. amen.

      i pray Allah gives you patience. make istikhara and itwakali 3al allah. do what you feel is right according to the sunna and teachings of quran and prophet and inshallah things will be ok. easier said than done.

      my situation hasnt changed. its 5 years later and my father is still married to the second woman, still in debt, still forcing us to keep it a secret from society and still lying to my mother about his wearabouts. i still cry regularly, my mom as well, she will fight with him thinking he will leave the other woman but nothing has changed. he promises my mom that he will leave her, yet 5 years later and he hasnt. Allah made divorce very easy yet my father is making it very hard. he claims to my mom that he loves her and that she is the first and why he is still with the second wife! he need not lie. my mom mentioned to him that if he wants the other woman just say it! she will accept it and demand a divorce and it is her right because she cannot take the pain and his behaviour has changed and she cannot accept it. why must be drag my mother along in his lies (if he is lying)... does he want to enjoy two wives? live a secret life? have his cake and eat it too? the prophet warned us about the nafs (self-ego) and its dangers.

      lahwala kowata illa billah.

      • Wasalaam, sister R
        I hope you are well. May Allah bring peace to you and your family as well.

        I am planning to see the same scholar with my 'husband' to get a divorce. He says he will grant it but i'm not sure. If not, i will ask for a khula, which i have every right to do. When a man is abusive and tyranical, the woman has the right to be free from him. I think 23 yrs is quite enough. I think your mother may still have some hope- maybe that's why she is continuing this way. I have lost all hope for an honest, nurturing relationship long ago. I think i'll be able to get myself back to the way i used to be (happy and able (emotionally and physically) to do basic things if I just take this step.

        Most men are stuck on the notion that polygyny is allowed. Period. Even some women are stuck on the same thing and I have even read that they believe a woman's Iman is weak if she opposes it.


        • As salamu alaykum, Sister R and Sister Yummystuh,

          Both of you are saying and showing a big true that you were and are living directly on your skin and suffering the consequences from it, but if you don´t mind I will give you an advice, the way we speak truth affects the way is listened, what impact the most when reading both of you it is your anger and your hate, not just to the ones that have hurt you so deep, your emotions are soaking your vision of men in general and even when your world can show that is truth, please, I would encourage you not to generalize, you could say the majority of the men I know, but not all men in general, I would like to remember you that you only see a little percentage of what exists and we should be careful when we talk in the way you do.

          Related to the emotions that prevails in your talk, that probably it is what is prevailing in your daily life, do you think that anyone deserves the gift that you give up your own right to be in Peace? Because the way I see it, you have given the power to a man to make of your life peaceful life, only Allah(swt) can bring and give Peace to you, but only through forgiveness you will find it again, insha´Allah.

          Sister R, your talk will be listened and get deeper if you heal your anger and hate and in fact, you could be of great help to many women and men to find their way back to the Straight Path, insha´Allah, because seems to me you are a knowleadgable woman and you have what is needed to get close to the Heart of people, masha´Allah.

          Sister Yummystuh, we all know you are deeply angry and that the betrayal have hurt you beyond understanding and that you have all the right to be the way you are, but please, don´t shout and don´t threaten, only Allah(swt) knows all the ways and what it is in the Hearts then just leave to Him the punishments and the rewards, we don´t know what is waiting for us at the other side of the corner.

          All my Unconditional Love,

          • Sister Maria M,
            I am not generalizing all men and i have not issued any threats. I have actually read these words and will do my best to find the source and post it.

            Hadith - Sunan of Abu Dawood #2128, Narrated Abu Hurairah, r.a.

            The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: When a man has two wives and he is inclined to one of them, he will come on the Day of resurrection with a side hanging down [i.e. paralyzed].

            I am merely clarifying to all those who see this topic in black and white. There is much more involved and yes, we are angry. We feel we have been treated unfairly and are praying for peace and guidance. May Allah Help us. What we have also witnessed are manys one-sided respones to this issue, not only from this post but from real life situations.

            Most don't want to hear the rough side of polygyny. This is really not about polygyny at all. It's about the abuse that some men dole out in the name of fulfilling sunnah. We are not trying to poison the minds of women, either. This is happening everywhere but no one speaks of it. I am praying for sabr, peace and am trying to do the best i can for myself and my children who have been put in a very difficult situation. I am trying to be mindful of my thoughts, words and actions, but sometimes, the words of others can get the better of us.

            May Allah lighten all of our hearts and minds and accept our efforts.


          • As salamu alaykum, Sister yummystuh,

            Thank you very much. So nice to listen to you this way, masha´Allah, your voice sounds so sweet and loving to my Heart, Alhamdulillah. It is fine what you did, but the way you did it, it wasn´t, and I wanted to call your attention on that, that was all, because here people may just look to other side, but if you do that in your daily life, you can be in problems and we don´t want that, we have to be very conscious of the way we show ourselves to the world, our words are not just that, when a word comes charged with strong emotions it is like a sharp weapon and can go in the direction of Peace or War, the way and what we express is, at the end, what is lying inside of our Hearts, and we are responsible for the consequences of it.

            My beloved Sister, there are many post on this site talking about that subject and believe me, many men and women acknowledge and condemn the wrong behaviour of their brothers and sisters that make an abusive or wrong use of a right that was given to muslim men and women to give answer to certain circumstances and that was well ruled by our Prophet(saw). When someone in their sound state of being listened to stories like those happened to both of you, understands at the instant that what has happened to you it is not fare and it is a cause of deep suffering, and you may not listened to them on this site or any other, but you will listened to their silent prayers for the improvement of the Ummah, for their return to the Straight Path, Alhamdulillah.

            It is good that people brings to Light this kind of situations, because this way a secret marriage won´t be a secret marriage anymore or a secret second wife won´t be the second wife, will be the woman that was in the middle of a marriage, we are humans and we sin, we cause damage to others consciously or not, and sooner or later we will pay for it, knowing this, we can achieve great changes, ...I will explain you something I have learnt, I am a revert, when I became muslim, one day I was talking to someone and I said to that person, now I see and I hear, I thought all the muslim had the gift of hearing and seeing, but my surprise getting to know my Ummah was, that some of us are blind and deaf, and I still get blind and deaf here and there, then if our Lord had so much patience on me, who am I to pressure, change, judge, condemn....any of my brothers or sisters that sin and that I know will go through tough struggles to return to the Straight Path, if insha´Allah, our Lord(swt) blesses them with His Mercy, Love, Light, Forgiveness and Compassion? But what I can do is asking Allah(swt) to help to be a living example that will shine on darkness and will be a Light for other to follow, insha´Allah. And Alhamdulillah, that is what you are doing now with your words and loving attitude, you have your kids looking at you carefully, you are their torch of Light, the one that they will remember when life tests them, Alhamdulillah, they are blessed with you and you are blessed with them.

            Darkness fades away with the most minimun expression of Light, Alhamdulillah and this is this way whatever you experience it, a thought charged with love and compassion, a word of forgiveness, a prayer of repentance, the need of patience, all of it has a response, Alhadmulillah.
            Allah(swt) knows best.

            All my Unconditional Love and Support,

    • May Allah bless you sister i feel your pain

  16. Dear Sr. Maria,
    I often tell my children to 'be aware of your words as you will be judged by what you speak'. We are all human and emotions sometimes get the better of us. Sometimes (not in daily life), however, the emotion and volume is necessary in protest. What we are trying to bring to light is not of the 'secret wife' and of 'exposing the secret wife as a problem in the marriage'- I don't believe we are looking for problems. It is about the abuse of men towards their families and children in the name of fulfilling a Sunnah. How many Sunnah are being neglected in order to do this? This is what we are trying to expose although I am certain it is well known.

    We will only start to see and hear once we follow the Quran and Sunnah as Allah commanded.
    May Allah Guide us all and Accept Our Intentions towards the Right Path.

    • As salamu alaykum, my beloved Sister,

      Ameen to your dua. You talk words of truth, masha´Allah. Thank you for taking your time to talk to me.

      Is not more heard who speaks louder even speaking the truth that the one that silently keeps improving and changing themselves to be closer to Allah(swt) as a way to help the Ummah and when this person talks everyone close their mouth and even stop their minds to absorb what they have to share, I haven´t heard anywhere of our beloved Prophet(saw) shouting, in fact, I always read about his soft and nice voice, masha´Allah.

      The secrecy was related to the problem the other sister had and the problem you had, they marriage not just without your consent even without your knowledge, and this is not looking for problems or accusing or judging, it is about talking about facts that can be avoided to have a transparent and blessed marital life, insha´Allah. Because only facing what we are doing wrong and acknowledging we can improve, there is no other way, and if do acknowledge and we continue our wrong way, Allah(swt) knows all and the best for everyone of us, Alahmdulillah.

      María Editor

      • Sister, there is something I need to share with you, I am the most imperfect human being you will probably will face on this Earth,... when I read your first comment, the sweetness and softness of your Heart brought tears to mine, I shout, I get angry, sometimes I say bad words, and more that stays between Allah(swt) and me. You reminded me, I could become a better human being, you reminded me I could become a better mother and you reminded me I could be a better woman, Insha´Allah, through your softness and sweetness you made my Heart soften, Jazak Allahu Khair.

        All my Unconditional Love,
        María Editor

  17. Asalama laikum muslims....

    Here's is my take on this...I know. I was in a similar situation, but it fell through. Allah has given muslim men the RIGHT to have as many wives as his right hand possesses. Bottom line...No way around that. We shouldn't get so emotionally rapped up into ourselves, or our situations that we overstep bounderies by trying to strip a man of the rights Allah has given him. Whether the first wife likes it or not...It's his RIGHT as a man. God gave him that right. She can't take that from him. It's a messed up situation, but it is what it is....We are not the Judge...Allah is. And who are we to frown upon what He deems as permissible? We have to do better than that muslims. And trust me...I'm not perfect. Far from it. I just know not to challenge the rights Allah bestows upon His servants. We're not Kufrs...We're believers aren't we? Then why are we ridiculing someone for taking advantage of the right Allah has bestowed upon him/them. If he treats both women equally it is his RIGHT. Let's not overstep our bounderies by trying to do away with what Allah bestowed upon us. Asa lama laikum...I hope my words shed some light. And if I said anything right is was from Allah. If I said anything wrong it was from me. I'm out....

  18. As salaamu alaikum all

    I have read each and everyones reply and have taken what was said to heart. 1stly when my husband took me as a second wife his !st wife had walked out on him with a new born because he was hardly at home due to his commitments to the deen. he was giving classes at night to newly converted muslims. They were hardly married for a month when this happened. in that time we met and i converted and became his wife. It was explained to me by the Moulana that indeed he did not need the !st wifes permission. 2ndly his !st marriage was forced on him by his family, although the two of us where already together. His children not accepting me is due to their mother badmouthing me at every opportunity due to jealousy or some other reason. I am a working women and the salary i get monthly gets paid directly into his account so he see to all my needs. she teaches women the deen and what she gets she refuses to give to him because she thinks that he will spend what she earns on me and my kids. I get much more than she does and when my husband needs he freely uses that and spend it on both families including his parents at time. I cannot ffathom why some sisters will blame me for breaking up a home. If you look at the way things are now, she is the one trying to break up my home and marriage. As a sister of deen that is not what i expected. I get ridiculed by her on a regular basis and she knows that because of her behaviour it has just strengthened the relationship between me and my husband more. she is never at home when he needs her. she is always out with friends., whereas i am home after work and even ask permission just to go to the shops. I know man people always blames the second wife and we are always at fault, but i will truly sympathise with any of you should you find yourself in the same situation. My husbandd is caring and good natured and goes to great lengths to apease her most of the times because she is always threatening him that she have family members that are wealthy and that she will take the kids and leave if he does not divorce me and have no contact with our kids. Now you please tell me, Does this 1st wife love her husband.

    Walaikum salaam

  19. "when my husband took me as a second wife his !st wife had walked out on him with a new born because he was hardly at home due to his commitments to the deen. he was giving classes at night to newly converted muslims. They were hardly married for a month when this happened. in that time we met and i converted and became his wife."

    Right he sounds like a really good/responsible father, giving classes at night when he has a newborn. What you say doensnt make sense... she walked out with a newborn (min 9 months pregnancy) but you claim they had only been married "for a month". You sound like a homewrecker to me - no offense - where you manipulated a situation where there was vulnerability in a young family and used it to your own benefit. I don't know how people like you - who IMO break up families, cause problems and resentments, deprive children of stable families - can live with themselves and their conscious. You will never find happiness or joy in this situation - you will never find joy and happiness in the suffering of others,


    "I am a working women and the salary i get monthly gets paid directly into his account"

    "and even ask permission just to go to the shops."

    That is very odd and not something to brag about. It is his responsibility to provide for the two families he has chosen to have - not your responsibility as a woman - and if he cannot afford to fullfill his obligations vis-a-vis providing for two families perhaps he shouldnt have gotten married 2x.

  20. Salaam to everyone, especially the OP.

    Having the experience of growing up in a polygyny family myself I can tell you it is not a good, happy or fruitful environment to be in or to raise your children in.

    Your children will grow up with a half-dedicated father, that is if he manages to treat all involved fairly which is unlikely and improbable as people always have faviourites. You should realise that if you live in a western country one person (man's) salary is not enough to upkeep two families - barely one in most cases. It is IMO a very selfish and unwise decision to marry someone who is ALREADY married and ALREADY has a family and is most probably just wanting to escape/relieve problems in his first family. You will be taking a husband and father from a family, break up families, cause problems and resentments, deprive children of stable families and the children will dispise both their father and you.

    The older children will have to support the 2nd family financially which is morally wrong and corrupt. Their will be unfair treatment. You will not find happiness and joy - only stress, problems and difficulty. I would say stay away from that family and leave them be in peace to work out their problems. Find a person to marry of your own entirely dedicated to you.

    • finally a MAN who has the common sense to post what you posted. Majority of the men who post in here are agreeing with this kind of situation regardless of all the negativity and problems that come with it. lahawlaa kowata illa billah.

      I too am like you. Daughter of first wife and my father married a second woman. My family is ruined and my mother is emotionally destroyed and for what... nothing. She is the most beautiful, care-ing person in the world, we are 5 children and she took care of us all. we also live in the west were polygamy isnt allowed. My dad is having a very difficult time supporting both families and is hiding his second marriage from the community.

      everything you said is 100% correct and what has happened to my family except my dad does not have children with the 2nd wife (at least thats what we know). But he is supporting her AND her children from her 1st husband with whom she divorced to marry my father. Astaghfirallah..... May Allah make things easier for all of us. amen.

    • Salaamu Alaikum, brother you definitely are not one who have studied this religion. May Allah, guide us. Ameen Allah is the provider or don't you believe this? Enough said.

  21. As salaamu alaikum All

    jazakkallah for all comments. i have asked my husband for a divorce as so many of you kept blaming me for breaking up a family which you seem to think was a happy one. Having received the talaaq i am now left with my four kids thats father has not only divorced me but the kids as well and has been demanded by his family and 1st wife that they should move out of this town and he should not support the kids as i am working and can support us. they wanted to take me to court to have my children removed from me because of the bond my husband has with these kids. my youngest is only six months old and know she has to grow up without a father. the 1st wives kids is not that much older than mine , one year difference between the eldest while some are a few months i dont see how you can agree with the treatment i have received from them. But to all the sisters who called me a homewrecker i sincerely hope that you do not find yourself in the same situation. i have given 15 years of my life to that man, helped support the first family although they never knew it. his friends, family and so many of the ulama knew how he felt about me and how i supported him through everything, we understood each other and i knew all his problems, doubts and i was the only one he felt comfortable sharing it with because he knew i would never judge him and i always had a sympathetic ear as he was not just a husband to me but my teacher and best friend.

    • Salam alaikoum.

      with all due respect,....

      You should not blame what people comment here on your decisions or the outcome of your decisions. You base your decisions on islam between you and your husband and what is right. That is silly to say and irresponsible to say that you took "our advice"

      Your post doesnt make sense to me. So you asked for talaaq and your husband simply agreed????? you have been married to thim for 15 years and have 4 children with him and he was ok with you asking for divorvce just like that?? after all what you have done for him??? i cannot judge but my guess is either he isnt a real man to own up to his responsibilities or you dont want him anymore as a husband.

      You said that your husband gave islamic lessons at night so he should be fairly well versed in the deen. SO he should know that even in divorce he will be forever responsible for his children so it doesnt matter what the other wife says. He also should have known that if he couldnt handle two families not to have married the 2x in the first place. well cant look back now and poor the second wife for going all through this suffering and you now as well.

      This is the problem with people in this times. Allah made islam so easy and merciful and it makes SENSE. People take what is in islam to their own benefits and they cry when it doesnt work out. Ya subhanallah ! Allah made "shuroots" (criteria) to marry more than one and as brother abdullah mentioned above and myself repeatedly in my old posts....marrying more than one (EVEN if the man had a good islamic reason) has to support and treat multiple wives 100% equal to avoid problems and animosity and bad feelings among parties ! in this time that is nearly impossible. Allah didnt make it easy to marry more than one wife. The hadith says if you cannot treat both wives equally than DO NOT marry more than one. DO NOT! Conveniently majority of you fail to follow this rule. Hasbiyallah. You should have known better and same as your husband who appears to be a scholar of the religion. lahawala kowata illa billah. I feel sorry for you sister as maybe you did not know any better and we are all learning in this deen. Mistakes happen and we have to fix them and making dua to Allah is the only way.

      My problem now is not that you are the 2nd wife is that you say from ur post that you are your husband's best friend and been married for 15 years etc etc but when you asked for divorce that he gave it to you?!?!?!? If that is black and white as it appears than am sorry your husband is not a man and if he doesnt take responsibility for his children than he isnt worth to be married to in the first place. what a loser making a mockery of the deen and the rahma Allah has bestowed upon us in this wonderful deen. I hope I am wrong as no one can ever know your situation 100%. But you should know your rights in islam and fight for them and if your husband is a man of deen he cannot deny your rights AND your children's rights.

      go to a REAL sheikh and get the facts and get your rights and live your life. May Allah forgive all our sins and help guide us in the right path. amen.

      i pray Allah forgives me first and foremost for anything i have said wrong or out of bitterness. I speak from direct experience and i dont wish what happened to me on anyone. I am still suffering as our situation in my family has not resolved . 🙁 walhamdulah 3ala koul hal. Allah farajha. amen.

    • I'm sorry you went through this. If it helps, I don't think you're a home wrecker. I hope things work out for you and your kids inshallah.

  22. Asalama laikum muslims....To the original poster....You should have never made a decision based off of what the other brothers/sisters have to say. Ask for advice? Sure...Why not? But true guidance is with Allah. He is the Judge. Not us. We can't judge you sis. It's that simple. To the others who have ridiculed, prejudged, and called this sister out of her name...SHAME ON YOU! How dare you??? Who are you to judge??? You're NOT Allah (SWT). This type of behavior is unacceptable, and a khufr considering taking their shahadah may have second thoughts reading the way you guys ganged up on one of our own. This is ridiculous, and I'm disgusted with the way it went down. thatisall Asalama laikum

  23. "To the others who have ridiculed, prejudged, and called this sister out of her name...SHAME ON YOU! How dare you??? Who are you to judge??? You're NOT Allah (SWT). This type of behavior is unacceptable, and a khufr considering taking their shahadah may have second thoughts reading the way you guys ganged up on one of our own. This is ridiculous, and I'm disgusted with the way it went down"

    Save the crocodile tears bro, I have no sympathy for a certain kind of people. We are all suffering in our own way. May Allah improve her life and give her something better in place for both herself and her children. Only god knows the suffering and torment that the original family were put/are being put through. If anyone is to blame it is the person who chooses to marry 2x wifes and then does not follow the rules set by Allah.

    @ SisterR. May Allah have mercy on your mother and make the situation better for her, nobody deserves that kind of humiliation and suffering. Please also remember that if anyone is to blame it is the person who chooses to marry 2x wifes, often for selfish inconsiderate reasons and then does not follow the rules set by Allah.

  24. Salam,

    I posted at the beginning of the year and I am wondering if the sister who started this post is feeling. I am sorry to see that the blog has not defended polygamy and I wish I was able to put a positive spin on the subject. Brothers who have commented have tried to speak logically but perhaps haven't been able to find the right words to support the sisters sharing their experiences on this blog. It is true regarding men's rights to marry again but I don't think sisters object to that generally. It's a sensitive matter and a lot of the advice I have personally received often feels like I'm being told to simply put up with it. Perhaps it's the way the message is delivered. Nevertheless I am still trying my best to fight shaytan who I believe is trying to break my marriage.

    Sisters who have shared there stories I feel relief that there are those who can sympathise with me. I have to say I hope everyone can find peace within themselves and always remember Allah swt will only bring calamity to those he loves the most and even then Allah swt will give solutions to every problems. Patience is a virtue and fruitful so it's important to have faith and accept what comes in our path. Allah swt has a plan for us all.

    My situation has not changed very much. My husband is currently in the process of applying for a visa so the second wife could live in with us. I feel helpless and I feel like I've lost my sanity but Ramadan is round the corner it I am trying to concentrate on making the most on this occasions to build on my iman. Please pray for me and each other because we can be support for each other.


  25. sallam

    if you knew someone was married with kids why would you marry him? Im sorry i know it is allowed but i dont understand in this situation why you did it.

    1. his wife provided children
    2. she is sane enough to give consent against the marriage, proving she has no mental issues?

    did you get close to this man in a nonislam way before you married? this is haram!!

    You knew what would happen how could you do this to another woman? how could you tear apart her home and their kids home?

    please dont tell me he doesnt love his wife, or she doesnt take care of him! im so sick of people cheating them blaming the spouce for not making the effort. the flaw is within you!

    Allah hidayat daya aap ko ameen

  26. What if the man who you have loved for 3years goes to pakistan and has an arranged marriage to. Please his mum and family. But says he loves you and wants you to become his second wife? I know his family will not approve but I don't see why they insisted he go ahead with the arranged wedding. I don't see how he can say he loves me and yet he went ahead to marry for his mums happiness when he has ruined mine aswell as he's own. This is all so complicated but I realy cannot ever love another. Also I do not think I could cope with the idea of sharing him. The idea that he was mine and now belongs to a stranger is devistating how can this be fair? I have so much hurt so much questions so much hate I feel betrayed as if I'm worth nothing anymore.

    • sallam

      i dont get this at all.

      why did his family just not agree for him to marry the girl before instead of ruining someones life in paksitan and then having kids with her, making there lives difficult and then marry the girlfreind he had on the side?

      what is wrong with society. Allowing muslitple marriage was made to help the unfortunate not for your so called love or for you to havock mischeif on the world.

      people who seek wordly desires will not go to jannat.

      everyone should reflect on themselves and change for God ameen

      Allah hafiz

      • "whats wrong with society"

        sister brokenbrain, i ask this same question every day ! walahi so sickening the level people have becoming. Using this beautiful religion of ours to boost their sick agenda for their benefits. astaghfirhallah! all they think about is pleasure and this life forgetting they will be held accountable for everything they did in this life !!

        hasbiyallah wa na3mal wakeel. May Allah help all of us to be on the right path and forgive our sins. i am reminding myself before anyone. amen !

  27. i dont get this at all.

    why did his family just not agree for him to marry the girl before instead of ruining someones life in paksitan and then having kids with her, making there lives difficult and then marry the girlfreind he had on the side?

    what is wrong with society. Allowing muslitple marriage was made to help the unfortunate not for your so called love or for you to havock mischeif on the world.

    people who seek wordly desires will not go to jannat.

    everyone should reflect on themselves and change for God ameen

    Allah hafiz
    I do not know why he has gone ahead with this marriage I think he's mum has used emotional blackmail to convince him but he is a grown man with mind of his own so I blame him. If he loves me so much then he should have never gone ahead with the marriage. I feel if I'm not good enough to be his 1st then why shall I be his second. I fear they will never accept me and I'll always be his mistress even though I was with him before all of this. I will be the one to live alone while she lives with the family. That is once they get her here in uk. I fear it will always be a lonely bitter future for me. But I am so much in pain right now. How can people be so cruel. I do not blame this poor girl. As she is innocent. But as am I. I blame him for letting his mum and family do this. I apriciate any replys and comments thank you

    • sister betrayed

      snap out of it !! forget the loser. stop all communications with him. its haram for you anyway since you are not his wife. dont live in this delusional high school love story. you can love someone else and live a normal life. it just feels bad now but we are muslim and this love crap should not cloud our minds and cause us to make wrong decisions.

      FORGET HIM. BE HAPPY. AND MOVE ON ! dont put your situation as the second wife, you will not be happy and live miserably. The guy got married, thats it. focus your attention on ur deen, pray to Allah, ramadan is coming up, make lots of dua and istighfar and when the time is right you will get married to the right man and be a happy woman inshallah.

  28. I know I could never truely live happy in that kindov situation. I think he is selfish to even expect it of me. And I think his mum is selfish for causing such a situation that has caused so much heartache. For her own selfish needs they disgust me how they can go to pakistan and just do this without any consideration for what they leave behind. Its as if its a game. He said he was put in an impossible situation he's mum got ill she had to be taken to hospital. But I don't believe anything he says anymore. I will never know wich is thuth and wich is a lie. As far as I'm concered he's a grown man. His family disgust me how they can now help him finacially. With home a car. When we struggle so much in past. I know I'll never get over him. The second I wake in morning. I open my eyes and I cannot think of anything but him I beg why why why? Then my whole day is a taken with this in my heart I feel as if I am going to breakdown because I cannot even begin to face life without him. We have only comuticated via telephone since his returning to uk. And even this is hard to bare. I feel pathetic to allow myself to be in this situation. I do not know another women who would stand for this. Who would allow this man and his family to degrade me in such a way. But I fear I will try to harm myself if I cut him off 100% I have already had the worst thoughts imaginable about harming myself. And I'm not asking for pity I do not want pity I want the life we had planned that he has pulled from under my feet and now will have his proper family at home and what's he offering me? Her leftovers basically when truth is she has mine because he will never love her the way he does me but he will never treat me the way he does her. So I'd say we are both paying the price for what his family has decided to make themselves look honourable when inface their whole family are hypocrites they are using the sons lives to make them look good people when I know so so much about this socalled honourable family. Thank you again for your advice its has been so difficult dealing with this and pain the hurt of being betrayed by the person you have given your heart to.

  29. Sister, I would never advise any sister to marry a brother who is already married. Not unless you are able to speak to the first wife and get her blessing that would (in my opinion) be the only way for it to work where both of you can live in harmony with your husband.

    My husband married behind my back even though I gave permission and then he lied to me for almost 2years. Making me believe that it was all my fault that we were struggling in our marriage and we weren't happy because I did something wrong. It's only now that I have the strength and confidence to say I did nothing wrong. I love him dearly and I know he is good for me in so many ways but it is still hard for me trust him again.

    Sisters men are not sensitive to our insecurities or emotions. If any polygamous relationship is to work you have to be able to have a relationship with the other wife too not be selfish on thinking that it's the husbands responsibility to achieve equilibrium. The prophets wives used to look after each other some were closer to each other than others but in times of hardship they all had to discuss the situation. When the prophet fell ill before he died, he asked his wives for permission to reside with ayesha.

    Please think about who you are sharing your husband with don't be selfish to think that you are just marrying a brother, you are marrying into a situation where you will be causing disruption to another sister and her children. Be sympathetic towards the first wife, she is sacrificing 50% of attention from her husband (and that's only if the brother can be equal) both wives need to make sure they are helping and supporting their husband to be fair and equal, if he buys you a gift Makesure you ask if he has bought the other wife a gift. Even if you dislike her!

    My husband and his other wife have been unable to provide me with the support I need and it has been devastating for me that's why I would advise anyone to marry into such a relationship. I wouldn't discourage it if all parties agree and are fully supportive from the beginning.

    • Your situation is exactly how I'd imagine it to be if I ever got into this situation myself. I think its ridiculous how men this day and age are using religion as an excuse to have their cake and eat it. The pain I feel knowing he has married another is realy too much for words. But I couldn't be next to him let alone touch him knowing that he is going home to another. I'd feel dirty. I hate to say it but I'd be filled with hate for this other women. And jelousy. I did not ever imagin life would be so complicated never did I imagin he would hurt or betray me in such a way. He has given her my life my future the children we had planned all gone. how can I ever look at this man for what he has done. He has disrespected me in the worst way I could ever imagin. I have so much sympathy for any women who are in these situations. As if women don't have enough emotional problems these selfish men do not care about anyone but themselves and in my case their family. Its a good thing that I always put others before myself I always think of the people my decisions will affect and maybe this is the reason we didn't marry years ago maybe we would have not had these problems but I feel his family would have still pushed for a girl back home and him being the little boy that he is would just go along with it. I don't know how these women find the strength to be in these relationships without turning to hate so much. I could never cope with it

  30. I'm sorry but i think there are situations when a man can marry another woman, it's not a right as an absolute.
    I can get evidances from quraan if anybody is interested, But it's not an absolute right t have a second wife unless the first can't have kids or have a life disease.

    I'm not judging the sister who wrote this post or taking sides since i don't know anything about this mess unles what's written. and as for the prophet mohammad (saw).. marrying more than one wife had a wise matter after each marriage. we are not prophets to compare our lives with his.

    and sorry if i offended anybody

  31. A man that can hurt his wife in such a way to make her feel inadequate after years of taking care of his home and raising his children is not a man in my eyes. A wife puts her husband and children first. Without question. These men that want 2nd wife are selfish. For their own pleasure. Without any thought of the shame and hurt they are bringing to the mother of their children. From what I have read these situations bring nothing but pain to the women who least deserve it. I hope all the women who are hurting have someone who you can open up to about this. Men?? I do not see a real man amongst these so called men. Have they all lost their minds? Forgive me if I offend anyone. I see there has been a little confusion on here and I hope I haven't. Added to any of this.

  32. A betrayed and destroyed family, a humilated yet selflessly dedicated first wife and stolen childhoods. 15 years of misery, shame, poverty and problems ever since the 2nd wife.

    Make dua that you shall not find yourselves in such situations! Ramadan Kareem to you all, in particular SisterR.

    • Ramadan Kareem to you too brother Abdallah. Thank you.

      Every Ramadan tons of prayer, quran and dua for Allah to guide the misguided and to help my family and all families. In the end, my hope is only in Allah and ramadan is the best month for miracles to happen. But alhamdulah our family problems are still better than a million other people. We have our health, we have each other even if the situation is heart breaking and miserable we have to accept this is what allah decreed and it is a test for us and our patience and regardless stand by my mother and respect my father even after what he did/does. walhamdulah for everything. may allah make it easier for you brother abdallah and your most honorable mother. AMEN. The best gift she can have (that am SURE you are doing already) is for you and your siblings to continously support her and stand by her and make her feel special and help her to "forget" and that her reward is in al jannah. INSHALLAH.

      kol 3am wa inta be alif khair.

  33. assalamalaikum
    There is nothing as a rule in ISLAM FOR THE 1ST WIFE TO ACCEPT OR REFUSE THE SECOND WIFE- ALLAH HAS GIVEN DIRECT FREE ORDER TO MARRY WITH A SUGGESTION-OF ONE- you may marry two, three, or four. If you fear lest you become unfair, then you shall be content with only one,

    [4:127] You can never be equitable in dealing with more than one wife, no matter how hard you try. Therefore, do not be so biased as to leave one of them hanging (neither enjoying marriage, nor left to marry someone else). If you correct this situation and maintain righteousness, GOD is Forgiver, Most Merciful. (see also 4:128).

    (Grounds For Polygamy) [4:3] If you deem it best for the orphans, you may marry their mothers - you may marry two, three, or four. If you fear lest you become unfair, then you shall be content with only one, or with what you already have. Additionally, you are thus more likely to avoid financial hardship. (See also 4:20)

    • “… marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one.” (Quran 4:3)

      and be not extravagant; surely He does not love the extravagant (Surah al-Ar’āf 7:31)

      “Thus does Allah cause him to err who is extravagant, a doubter.”
      (Surah Ghāfir, 40:34)
      “...the extravagant are the inmates of the fire.”
      (Surah Ghāfir, 40:43)i

  34. Alhamdullilah Allah has given us humans free choice and a mind. We know what is good for us and what is not, we know what we are allowed and what the rules are.
    Ignorant people like you really get on my nerves. It is often portrayed that muslim women are powerless when it comes to polygamy (an ignorant view that unfortunately some muslims also hold) when in fact this is not the case:

    “… marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one.” (Quran 4:3)

    The Muslim is not permitted to differentiate between his wives in regards to sustenance and expenditures, time, and other obligations of husbands. Islam does not allow a man to marry another woman if he will not be fair in his treatment. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) forbade discrimination between the wives or between their children. Having multiple wifes is not a requirement or obligatory in Islam - it is wholly and entirely optional and even then there are strict conditions. If a man will likelky or even risks not fulfilling the conditions, polygyny is strictly discouraged and even prohibited.

    “… marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one.” (Quran 4:3)

    Furthermore no one can force a woman to marry a married man. Islam simply permits polygamy; it neither forces nor requires it. Besides, a woman may stipulate that her husband must not marry any other woman as a second wife in her prenuptial contract.

    Finally, it is worth knowing that Islam gives a woman the right to refuse polygyny for her husband by setting it as a condition during the marriage procedures. If this condition is set, then the woman is granted divorce if her husband marries another while he is still married to her. As part of the marriage agreement (i.e. ceremony) the woman is fully within her [islamic] rights to stipulate or include a 'clause' that if he marries another woman, their marriage will be null and void. The point of such a clause is that there shall be no polygyny in the relationship.

    • Slmz,
      I am an educated, independant 30 yr old divorced woman, with a 7 yr old daughter who lives between her dad and myself.
      I have been divorced for over 5 years due having to get over the emotional hurt and to not finding any suitable matches. I have never ever contemplated polygyny until i met a married man very much my senior with elderly children and financially able to support two households.
      I donot have any relationship with this man except that he cares for me in any time of difficulty and contacts me regularly in respect of my wellbeing and i donot have any family in the town i stay in and no mahrams. I cannot find suitors as there are not too many muslim men in my country, a lot of them are on drugs, immature and not religious.
      I find myself very lonely and sometimes have no support or protection. It sometimes feels that Allah has sent this person to me and he has recently mentioned something about marrying me.
      As i said earlier, i would never have considered this ever, on the one hand this seems like the correct thing as this is a man who is religious and has never been forward to me and who has already shown me kindness and protection without requesting anything in return, on the other hand, being a career woman in a modern society, it is something that is very hard to swallow, as i donot want to hurt anyone, his wife or children,
      It is extremely difficult as after 5 years i cannot remain single and not working with my mind, body or soul.
      Polygny also seems to make more sense as i am a busy career woman and also busy with a masters degree and i would never have time to dedicate to a husband who is with me all the time.
      This is the hardest decision of my life and i pray that Allah guides me to the right path.

  35. I would just like to add that i have always had a monogomous mindset but actually being in the position i find myself i completely understand why islam allows polygyny, so it is always easier to talk about something when you donot find yourself in that situation or in need. Allah knows best.

    • Salam sister,
      I would advise you to make sure his first wife is on board with him taking a second wife. You could even meet her and her kids in the presence of another sister. This is to make sure she is okay with it and you can share a husband. Plus she would surely appreciate such gesture. Also do Istikhara to make sure this wedding will bring you peace and happiness. Remember this should not only bring peace to you but also to your daughter. Make Allah (S.W) give you a righteous husband and a happy marriage.

  36. Dear Beggingforforgiveness

    I agree with you in that the first wife should be consulted however i donot feel that it is my place to meet her at all. That should come from the husband.

    In respect of Istikhara, i will definitely do so. I also agree with you about the marriage bringing peace and happiness as it is better off to be single than in such a relationship which does not.

    However i apologise to say this: as much as the idea does not bring me peace right now as we are brought up in a monogomous thinking society even though islam allows polygyny, i am uncertain whether the reality will actually bring me peace and happinness.

    Example: i married into a monogomous marriage years ago confident that i would be happy only to find very little peace or happinness.

    The one aspect i am certain about is that it will be the best decision for my daughter as she will have an additional father who is a good man and i will have the support i need to take care of her better.

  37. As salaam alaikum Confused,
    I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband is currently considering marriage to a sister whom he has known professionally for many years now. I know her as well but just in passing. This sister is older (35yrs, my husband and I are 38, we have 4kids) and is a career woman. She does not feel that due to her circumstances (age and career) that she is good marriage material for someone who is looking for someone to stay home, have and raise a bunch of kids. My husband had in the past suggested some of his colleagues for her to marry. After all of these years and nothing panning out for her, recently he asked if she'd consider being a second.

    My husband and I (17yrs married) have had many hypothetical conversations about this topic over the years and he understood VERY clearly that if it were to EVER work, I'd need to know about it from the very beginning.... not 5 months after his heart was all engaged with the person. You see many men mistakenly think that if they keep quiet they will spare the 1st wife pain. What they don't realize is that by keeping things secret they are CREATING pain. I'd learned over time to not become so emotionally engaged in the topic. But this was only after many situations and conversations. I thank Allah for allowing me to grow and mature around the subject.

    So when my husband threw this idea out to the sister and she didn't run in the opposite direction, 3 days later I knew about it. I have been in direct conversation with the sister ever since. While I'd come to the place a while ago that my husband didn't 'belong' to me and that I truly want every woman to experience the love and companionship that we share it is only now that I'm being tested. And alhamdulillah, call me crazy but I'm actually excited about what Allah has in store for all of us. What could we do and accomplish as a unit that we couldn't do alone? I am happy and look forward to talking with her because we are getting to know each other and mashaAllah have a lot in common. I thank Allah but give my husband all the credit for being man enough to bring this about in the 'right' way.

    Please ask the brother with whom you are considering marriage if he has told his wife of his offer to you. His reply will tell you what you need to do. If he has told her I would request to meet her or talk when she is ready. If he has not, you may want to run in the opposite direction because if his character is such that he cannot be upright with her, why do you want him?

  38. The second marriage is allowed in Islam and the permission of the first wife is not required but its good if she was consulted before hand. The first wife should not be jealous and accept the second wide since denying her husbands second marriage would be equal to denying what Allah has permitted. Islam is total submission and not a partial one to Allah's commandments, end of discussion.

    • Truth has been spoken.

    • "Denying her husband's second marriage is denying Allah's command".
      neither does Allah command polygamy, nor is a woman compelled to accept it. Fatima(ra) who had more iman than any of us was not for polygamy either.

      I hate how people talk abt their rights selfishly all the time. In that case, it is also a woman's right to keep her own income and not give a penny from it to her husband even if they are about to be kicked out of the house for not paying the rent or bills because the husband lost his job.

      You see. This world would be a really terrible place to live if it was all about my rights, your rights.

      Allah tells us clearly in the Quran to comsult with our wives.

      • thank you Salman for having a head on your shoulders and speaking like a true man.

        to add to Saqib, may Allah forgive you, marrying a second wife is not mandatory and the first wife has every right to mention in her marriage contract a clause that forbids her husband to marry a second wife whilst married to her. otherwise he must divorce.

        The prophet even forbade Ali, radiallah 3anho, to marry another while he was married to fatima, may Allah be blessed with her.

        A noble man who is capable of honoring both women and being just among them and has the MEANS of support and does so under the righteous frame of mind can marry a second wife.

        let me ask you something. If a man has a wife who is beautiful and healthy and has bore him several healthy and good muslim children and she has not denied him any of life's comfort, takes care of his children and house and feeds him and cleans his clothes etc etc... why then the need for a second wife? Has he not appreciated what Allah has gifted him that many men would dream of? is he selfish and wants more? does he use the excuse of "helping" an unmarried sister? why not give the money to a single poor muslim man and help him marry the single sister? imagine the hasanat he would get for that ! but sadly no, this man wants the sister for himself even tho he has everything he needs at home.

  39. I know it's been a long time, but I could not control myself to express what my family is going through... My father is having extra marital affair for last 25 years. He can not marry because he is afraid of us but none of our family members have peace on mind due to his behaviour with us. It seems it would be better if he could marry that woman and my mother could get relief from his torture. My father is doing zeena but he could save himself by having a second wife. I don't know what other preople would say, but I think having a wife is better than a girlfriend, for both of married and unmarried men.

  40. Assalamu alaikum wr wb..

    I request people not to comment if they don't the knowledge of Fiqh and the knowledge of the life of Prophet Muhammad Peace be upon him and his companion, how they dealt this issue.

    Every women has right to live a married life and have a family. Show me one Muslimah during the times of Prophet and his companions remained unmarried. Didn't we know Prophet PBUH married off his foster mother Umm Ayman twice and second time to his adopted son Zaid Ibn Harithah..


    May Guide us all.

    JazaakiAllahu khair

    • he use the excuse of "helping" an unmarried sister? why not give the money to a single poor muslim man and help him marry the single sister? imagine the hasanat he would get for that ! but sadly no, this man wants the sister for himself even tho he has everything he needs at home.






    Show me one Muslimah during the times of Prophet and his companions remained unmarried. Didn't we know Prophet PBUH married off his foster mother Umm Ayman twice and second time to his adopted son Zaid Ibn Harithah..
    Al-Mughira reports that when he got engaged to a woman the Prophet (pbuh) says,"Look at her, for it is more likely to create affection and consent between you.”Narrated by At- Tirmidhi and An-Nasa’i-




    • The four best women in the world (Asiya, Maryam, Khadijah and Fatima) were never in polygamy. In fact Fatima went so far as to not accepting polygamy for herself.

      "Fatima is from me, and I am afraid she will be subjected to trials in her religion (because of jealousy)." (See Hadith No. 76, Vo. 5). (Sahih al-Bukhari, Book #53, Hadith #342)

      "I heard Allah's Apostle who was on the pulpit, saying, 'Banu Hisham bin Al-Mughira have requested me to allow them to marry their daughter to Ali bin Abu Talib, but I don't give permission, and will not give permission unless 'Ali bin Abi Talib divorces my daughter in order to marry their daughter, because Fatima is a part of my body, and I hate what she hates to see, and what hurts her, hurts me.'" [Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Vol. 7, Book 62 (Book of Marriage), Hadeeth No. 4887]

      • I believe this incident has been mischaracterized. The woman that Ali (ra) was considering marrying was the daughter of Abu Jahl, the bitterest enemy of Allah and His Messenger (sws). That was the reason for Fatima's (ra) objection, and for the Prophet backing her up. They felt the daughter of Abu Jahl was not an appropriate choice.

        Wael Editor

        • As the first Hadith says, the issue was jealousy.

          "I fear for her being faced with trials in her religion (due to jealousy)." Ibn Qayyum here linked the Prophet's statement here to be an indication that the issue here was jealousy and its further link with Fatima's religious commitment. (Ibnul Qayyim, Rawdatil Muhibbeen, Volume 1, page 315)

          As for the second Hadith, Imam Bukhari himself listed this Hadith under the title of "Father defending his daughter concerning her jealousy and ensuring her husband's fairness towards her".

          The main issue was Fatima's objection to polygamy. This is why in one of the Hadeeths about Fatima and Polygamy the Prophet brought up mention of his son-in-law Abu Al Aas and praised him as a good son-in-law saying that he ''fulfilled his promise''.

          The historical Ulema of Islam like Ibn Qayyim and Ibn Hajr write in Zaad al Maad (5/117-118) and Fath Al Baari (7/86) respectively that the Prophet's above statement-"fulfilled his promise"- means that the Prophet's daughter Zainab bint Muhammad had stipulated in her marriage that her husband would not take a second wife as long as she lived and this is something that Islam allows a woman to do. The statement also suggests that Fatima and Ali did the same, hence why the Prophet brought up mention of his other son in law Abu Al Aas during the incident so as to incite Ali to do the same.

          Ibn Hajr, the greatest Hadith commentator, observes in Fath Al- Bari (7/86)
          The words “He spoke to me and he was truthful” could be that he made a promise on himself not to marry another woman beside Zaynab. And the same was done by `Alî. Otherwise, it could be that `Alî had forgotten that condition and that is why he proceeded with that engagement to the second woman. Or, it could be that he assumed the condition did not apply to him since he did not pronounce it himself. However, he should nevertheless have respected this condition as something understood, and that is why the Prophet (peace be upon him) blamed him.

          Ibn al-Qayyim writes in Zâd al-Ma`âd (5/117-118):
          If a man agrees to the condition that he will not marry a second wife, he is obliged by that condition. If the man breaks his promise, the woman will be entitled to terminate the marriage contract.

          It is mentioned in the hadîth that what took place is hurting Fâtimah and therefore hurting him. It is known for sure that the Prophet (peace be upon him) let `Alî marry his daughter Fâtimah on the condition that he does not hurt her or her father, even if that is not mentioned in the marriage contract. The Prophet (peace be upon him) brought up mention of his other son-in-law to incite `Ali to do the same.” The Prophet’s reproach of `Ali was on account of `Alî’s heedlessness of this condition.

          The above texts correlate with the marital history of the Prophet's son-in-laws.

          Ali; Had 8 wives and several concubines after Fatima passed away but not whilst she lived.

          Uthman: Had two wives during the Jahilliya. They both left him when he reverted to Islam. He then married the Prophet's divorced daughters Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthoom consecutively in monogamous marriages. After the death of Umm Kulthoom he then pursued multiple marriages.

          Abu Al Aas; Was monogamous with Zaynab despite being a disbeliever for most of their marriage and was praised as a ''good son in law who fulfilled his promise'' by the Prophet during the incident between Fatima and Ali.

          The Hadiths say Fatima was ''hurt and ''she was troubled'' and ''put to trial in her religion[ because of jealousy]'', so had the main reason been the identity of the other woman it would have said she was insulted rather than hurt. For those who don't know, the Prophet himself married the daughter of the family who sponsored the gruesome murder of his beloved uncle Hamza during Uhud and were one of Islam's worst enemied during that time. The Prophet's mother in law went so far as to chew Hamza's liver.

          The fact that the other woman was the daughter of Abu Jahl was only injury over insult for Fatima.

          And this is not something that was allowed for Fatima and not other Muslim women. Had that been the case the Prophet would never have said during the incident that ''I do not make anything lawful to be unlawful or unlawful to be lawful''. This was not a case of separate laws, had that been the case then it would have been specified in the Quran just as Allah specified unique laws for the Prophet in that he could have more than four wives and his widows could not remarry after him.

          • You can plainly see that (because of jealousy) is in parentheses, which means it is NOT part of the narration. It is the commentator's thoughts being inserted. Perhaps Fatima (ra) was jealous, I do not know. And perhaps she stipulated in her marriage contract that Ali (ra) would take no other wife beside her. That is certainly allowed in Islam. However, I do not like being yoked to someone's thoughts inserted in parentheses and dragged down the path they wish to take. That's not intellectually honest and it's not faithful to the hadith in question. Make the argument based on the actual textual evidence.

            Narrated from Ali ibn al-Husayn:

            "Ali demanded the hand of the daughter of Abu Jahl. Fatimah heard of this and went to Allah's Messenger saying, 'Your people think that you do not become angry for the sake of your daughters as `Ali now is going to marry the daughter of Abu Jahl.'

            On that, the Messenger got up and after his recitation of Tashahud (witnessing the oneness of the Creator and the prophethood of His Final Messenger) I heard him saying, 'I married one of my daughters (Zainab) to Abu Al-`Aas ibn Ar-Rabi` before Islam and he proved truthful in whatever he said to me. No doubt Fatimah is part of me; I hate to see her troubled. By Allah, the daughter of Allah's Messenger and the daughter of Allah's enemy cannot be the wives of one man.'" [Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Vol. 4, Book 53 (Book of One-Fifth of War Booty), Hadeeth No. 2900]

            This seems to indicate two things:

            1. Ali made a promise or agreement similar to that of Abu al-'Aas, and the Messenger (sws) is reminding him of that.
            2. Fatimah felt it was inappropriate for Ali to marry the daughter of Allah's enemy.

            There is nothing in the text about jealousy.

            I did not go into detail on this before because I don't think it's a vitally important issue. However, I don't like to see the words of Rasulullah (sws) being manipulated to suit someone's ideological bias.


          • Narrated 'Ali bin Al-Husain:
            That when they reached Medina after returning from Yazid bin Mu'awaiya after the martyrdom of Husain bin ‘Ali (may Allah bestow His Mercy upon him), Al-Miswar bin Makhrama met him and said to him, "Do you have any need you may order me to satisfy?" ‘Ali said, "No." Al-Miswar said, Will you give me the sword of Allah’s Apostle for I am afraid that people may take it from you by force? By Allah, if you give it to me, they will never be able to take it till I die." When ‘Ali bin Abu Talib demanded the hand of the daughter of Abi Jahl to be his wife besides Fatima, I heard Allah’s Apostle on his pulpit delivering a sermon in this connection before the people, and I had then attained my age of puberty. Allah’s Apostle said, "Fatima is from me, and I am afraid she will be subjected to trials in her religion (because of jealousy)." The Prophet then mentioned one of his son-in-laws who was from the tribe of ‘Abu Shams, and he praised him as a good son-in-law, saying, "Whatever he said was the truth, and he promised me and fulfilled his promise. I do not make a legal thing illegal, nor do I make an illegal thing legal, but by Allah, the daughter of Allah's Apostle and the daughter of the enemy of Allah, (i.e. Abu Jahl) can never get together (as the wives of one man) (See Hadith No. 76, Vo. 5). (Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 4, Book 53, Number 342)

            Sorry brother Wael I did not mean to manipulate anything. But this is how I found this Hadith. Anyways as I said the Hadiths clearly point to Fatima [ra]'s emotions during the incident as even the Hadith you quoted said that ''I hate to see her troubled'. Nearly all the Hadiths place an emphasis on emotions, even in the first Hadith it says ''...what hurts her, hurts me''.

            And interestingly all the Hadith commentators I know of believe that this was about jealousy. As Ibn Qayyum referred to this statement to mean ''dislike of sharing partners' and its relation to 'religious commitment.'' [Its in the source I mentioned above].

            Had the prime issue been the identity of the other woman then there would be no need to mention the promise of his other son-in-laws or Fatima's emotions during the incident.

            You said

            ''This seems to indicate two things:

            1. Ali made a promise or agreement similar to that of Abu al-'Aas, and the Messenger (sws) is reminding him of that.''

            The point of mentioning his other son-in-law's promise is a clear indication that since the Prophet had asked Ali not to marry another lady with Fatima [ra], thus the main issue was that Fatima did not want to live in polygamy, otherwise their would have been no need of such a promise at the time of their marriage.

            I say this because the first time I read the Hadith, I read it where Imam Bukhari labelled it under the title of ''Father defending his daughter concerning her jealousy''.

            And Abu Jahl's daughter was a blameless Muslimah. The Prophet simply talked about her in passing at the end [after inciting Ali to fulfill the promise that Abu Al Aas had done too] because she would remind him of her father.

            And another point to consider is that the Prophet's statement "By Allah, the daughter of Allah's apostle and the daughter of Allah's enemy can never be the wives of one man" was a statement in which he wanted to express what the final outcome would be, quite similarly to his statement "By Allah her tooth will not be broken".

            The Hadith mentioned that the other woman was Abu Jahl's daughter to specify who exactly the other woman was who Ali wanted to marry. Calling her the "daughter of the enemy of Allah" was customary. Abu Jahl's son used to be called the "son of the enemy of Allah" after he reverted to Islam.

        • Sorry Brother I thought you were talking about something else in your second post to me so I made my post quite long. I misinterpreted what you said, I did not notice the bit you said in the second half of your first paragraph.

          Anyways my apologies. Most of my points were directed at brother Ali Youssuf who was criticizing Muslimahs for not accepting to share their husbands, so I responded to him with legitimate evidence [except for the bit in parantheses] which strongly indicates that one of the four blessed women [Fatima] did not want to share her husband either.


            Anyways my apologies. Most of my points were directed at brother Ali Youssuf who was criticizing Muslimahs for not accepting to share their husbands-

            HOPE I AM CLEAR-
            ALI YOUSUFF

  42. Well, what did you expect? You never had the respect to tell your husband to make sure his 1st wife is okay with him marrying you, you just did what you and him wanted and sprung the news to his wife, whether she liked it or not. It's very selfish of you to not only take her husband away from her, but then on top of it expect her to welcome you with open arms. You can't possibly be that delussional. It's not going to happen.

    The only thing you can do is to not have contact with this lady and let your husband deal with her - she's his wife, not your's. Don't make things worse by expecting and demanding anything from her. You did her wrong, you are in no position to ask her of anything!

  43. assalamualaikom,
    i am married for more than 2 yrs,i accept my husband even he is not working.i pay for our marriage and even after the marriage,i used to buy food and pay the electric bills. he made a promised that he will nver gonna take a 2nd wife thats why i married him.but as soon as we get married,he start looking for a 2nd wife.he talk to quite a lot of woman and i feel so depressed and stress.he dont have a job,we have children and now i am 6 months pregnant.after 2 yrs of argument and fighting about him getting another wife,i end up allowing him to get a 2nd wife though it hurts a lot and i dont know if i can handle it or not and Allah knows best.the things that stopping me still to let him get another wife is the fact that he is not working,were on benefits and struggling when it comes to money.i couldnt even afford to buy my clothes,and i dont know how he wud manage to provide for the 2 wives.when i told him about the financial issues,all he can say is that Allah will provide even he dont go for work,and Allah will reward him for following the quran and sunnah..i tried my best to be a good wife to my husband,i cook,clean the house,look after our child,do all the house chores,give him all the money i have,plus my mum is supporting us husband when we have argument,he used to call me such bad names,all the swearing words,calling me monkey,ugly,bitch,snake,dog,and many more..but all this painful words i bear it patiently and still doing my responsibility as his wife to him.before he used to hurt me physical,he once kicked me 5x when i just give birth to our child but i forgive him.i forgive him many times,i bear all his abuses towards me..whenever i asked divorce,he used to say that Allah wont be please with me,and i shouldnt ask for divorce coz i will end up having a miserable he is getting married this coming monday june 17..and i am 6 months pregnant,having depression..he want me to let the woman stay in my house..i have to share my money not only to my husband but to his wife aswell..i dont know what else to say and to do..i am so helpless..i havent got support form my family apart from my mum who live far from me and im seeing her very rare..all my family live in philippines,my husband was born here in uk and originally from morocco.i told him to work so he can provide both the wives needs after he will marry this woman..but he said i shouldnt be ungrateful ,how comes i am being ungrateful when all this time,im spending my money and my kids money from the benefits where getting to provide our needs..i want to tell to that woman that i am not happy that my husband will marry her,but my husband dont let me say it or do it.hes marrying an english woman,and she cannot give birth thats why shes accepting to be a 2nd wife.i pray 5x,i wear burqa and abaya,i always do everything for my husband but i dont understand why he wants another wife..i dont know how i wud deal with this situation,im gonna see that woman 24/7 and hve to feed her and buy her stuff..i want to be an obedient wife and please Allah and my husbnd,i want to let him get another wife and ask Allah to suffice me and reward me,but it trying my best to accept the situation,but i feel too husband even told me that the woman can look after our kids and can go back to work in the hospital,but im thinking its not fair for me,im going to work and my husband and that woman is just staying at home.i told my husband i dont want to work,some men just taking what is benefit for them and not looking the reality and the consequences of their actions.i dont see any benefit of him getting another wife,all i can do is to deal with all this pain and live my whole life with this depression.i dont want to hve a broken father betrayed my mum and break our family,me and my siblings grow up without our parents,my mum needs to go abroad to provide our needs,my father abandon us coz of his 2nd wife.may Allah guide all this men and let them do the right thing inshaAllah..and my brothers and sisters in islam,for Allah sake pls include me to ur prayer and dua,that Allah will make it easy for me to deal with my situation and may Allah make me accept it easily if this is my destiny..dont forget me to ur name is haydee,i start practicing 3 yrs ago as i grow up in a christian family back home.

  44. Hi can I ask a question please, (remainder of comment deleted by editor)

  45. Yes in islam second wives are permitted and understandably in time of war etc there may have been more females . Yes I the first wife agrees and is happy to go into polygamous marraige . But it is morally wrong to go and take another wife husband without even discussing the matter with her . It is not the fault of just second wife the husband is also at fault he should have made sure first was happy . It is horrendous situation to be put in when your left with either divorce your husband that you love dearly or share him personally with another against your will . I decided to stick with my husband I couldn't bare to be without him . But what this has done to me mentally has destroyed me . And has caused so many problems my family don't wven speak to me now because of my Decision to stay with him . He has a family he is very week doing this behind her back leave the family alone to rebuild their lives

  46. Given the so much of difference of opinion I find it safer to keep a girlfriend rather than marry twice. The issue is that if the man has a greater sex drive then the wife is in constant trouble all the time.So better to have secret girlfriends than to let your children feel like a weirdo among these muslims who have a stigma attached to second marriage. Create seperate bank accounts and divide the money equal. Divide time equally. If your man doesn't do it well and you dont accept his reason then you can always divorce him even if never married for the second time.

    • Nusrat, your comment makes no sense from an Islamic perspective. You are advocating committing zinaa, which is a serious sin.

      Wael Editor

  47. All of the ignorant women that curse and shame the second wife should be ashamed of themselves..Allah gave permission for polygamy for a reason Allah allows the man to marry another wife even if it is for desire to safeguard themselves from adultery. Would you rather he sleep around outside of a marriage and become a sinner so you end up with a sinner for a husband? With regards to being the first wife and having children the first wife should understand her doing what she is, is haraam she's not God she cannot judge what she doesn't know she cannot force him to undo what Allah has permitted. If they don't like it tough your husband made the choice to marry again and not tell you where is the second wife's fault in this? You should be communicating your feelings to your husband not targetting your jealousy and hatred toward someone who you don't even know..May Allah SWT Grant us all as women goodness and free our hearts from these destructive emotions. If you feel your rights are being taken away approach this with caution and kindness towards your husband that will inshallah bring you closer to understanding each other. Allah has told us to forgive others and have a big heart if Allah can forgive the gravest of our sins what makes you think your better than Allah so you won't forgive? Seek guidance from trusted scholars and counselling in order to cope with the undeniable fact that he has married again under whatever circumstances. Turn to Allah you all forget that when we are being trialled Allah is in fact calling us closer to him he hopes our reaction to certain situations would bring us towards him so he can forgive us and Grant us a place in jannah subhaanallah how merciful is our Lord we make mistakes and commit sins on a daily basis and yet Allah says repent and I will forgive even if your sins reach up to the clouds i will forgive. If Allah is showing us so much mercy why can we not show our fellow sister's mercy and understanding? Dear sister regarding your situation I see it is extremely tough and I sympathise with you inshallah May Allah make things easier for you and Grant you and your husband sabr. The first wife cannot expect the husband to divorce you you are now married to him and his wife he should give you the same rights as he would his first. With regards to the children and your situation I'm so sorry I can't help you more than to advise you to seek guidance from Allah keep patient and reassure your husband that Allah does not burden a soul with more than is can bare, do du'a and try to seek some guidance froma learned and trusted scholar. It is very easy to lose hope and patients in a tough situation like this but just remember if Allah put you in it he will help you through it. Inshallah May Allah resolve your situation. Ameen.

    • Allah may have made polygamy permissible for men who are sole caretakers of orphans, but he has not made lying permissible and he has not made deceipt permissible and he has not made it permissible to steal the right to ask for khul from your first wife. Allah has clearly told us to announce nikah publically. So take heed in how you condemnd first wives who scorn the women who aid and abet their husbands in sinning against them by agreeing to secret marriages.

      A man who is willing to sin by lying, deceiving, marrying in secret and robbing his first wife of the right to ask for khul because of polygamy is not a man one can stay married to is my opinion. Can such a man be your protector and a father of your innocent children? No.

      My only advice is to divorce him asap, and trust that Allah SWT will provide, and give you a proper husband. Insha'Allah.

  48. Frankly speaking I hate second wife's because most of the time they just ruin the family of the first. I am in the same situation, I am the first wife, my husband marry another girl while he is away from us, he don't have intention of telling me but there is no secret forever, when I found out I beg the girl to leave my husband because I just gave birth to our first child but the girl just told me that he can't because my husband is her first love, first man in his life and I should accept the situation. She told me that she can choose doing bad to other people than doing bad in the eyes of Allah which is zina that is why she accept my husband. For the past month I observe the situation I didn't divorce him because I just think that it is okay in Islam to have many wives as long as he can treat them fairly but now my husband already forget his responsibility, he is not with us, he don't support financially, he even don't contact me that often that is why please divorce the man and let him reunite with his family. It is so hard if you can break a family because you also break masjid and its so hard if you will already have child. Think of the first family's situation if the girl divorce his husband because of you can you not feel guilty of stealing someones father because of selfishness. Being a second wife is okay if the first wife knows about it before marrying you. Please do not use Islam for your selfish needs..

  49. I am a Muslim revert for many years and an older woman, second wife and pleaded with my husband to meet the first and that she should know and we should be allowed to meet, talk and decide on our status. For one year I was secret - he'd tell me not to speak when she called him in my bedroom late at night.
    One year on however, things have changed. I took a job overseas, he joined me for a while but she wanted him to return to the town he works in and he did. I am still abroad but shortly to take annual, holiday leave and go home again.

    I should explain that although he works away from home and is some distance from her and their small kids. The reason he asked me to marry was because she refuses to actually live with him as wife and husband. Although she's happy to live alone with the kids and he visits every 2/3 months for around 4 - 6 days to take her money he's earned.
    Also, and I know you will say it's a sin he's told me - but she's had FGM and been cut and therefore does not enjoy sex, because it's painful for her.
    OK so now, one year on I have been invited by her to come to their home and she has said ''Welcome to the family'' The kids also have said ''Welcome wife of Father and you are Mama too.'' He also said his parents have also given haya approval of his marriage with me.
    So, alhamdullah it would seem that the problems of an initial, one year secret, haram marriage have been solved by him. When I asked why it took him one year to disclose us - he admitted he was stupid to keep this secret so long. But, although I am happy he's finally doing the right thing. I must admit I am a little nervous of this first, initial meeting and to my surprise even had/having feelings of jealously towards her. Which, I can see is not the right way to think. I would like to have any well - meaning advice about this forthcoming first, meeting from the readers. It may be helpful inshaa' Allah.

    • Amani: I am a Muslim revert for many years and an older woman, second wife and pleaded with my husband to meet the first and that she should know and we should be allowed to meet, talk and decide on our status. For one year I was secret........

      Is there any immigration issue involved? Do you have lot of money?

    • I think it's working out well for you, your husband and his kids and other wife. She is unable to provide a service, is happy with the fact that she had children, she's able to keep the father of the children and you're making him happy and he's making you happy. Nice to hear from you and inshallah things will continue to work out.

      • M: She is unable to provide a service, is happy with the fact that she had children,

        In the name of religion/culture she's was forced to have FGM and was cut and therefore does not enjoy sex. FGM was done to keep her moral. Now her husband wants some much older woman who may have lot of money and probably get him a citizenship or some thing as his second wife.

  50. why don't you find another man who loves you and your child and who would never cause you pain...

    leave that man who cheated on you with that other woman

    the other woman can put up with him because you shouldn't have to.. I'm sure there is another man out there who will love you and take care of you,

    one who will put you first before his own temptations.

  51. I hate these kind of men who do these kind of second marriage without any reason and give such a pain to his first wife.ALLAH will punish them for sure and these kind of men can't be happy ever IN SHA ALLAH

  52. Our Lord Allah is the lord of mercy and compassion!
    I hope Allah forgives us all.I pray to Allah this is the right advice and If I am wrong I pray that he forgives me. My intention is only to help.

    I am surprised by some of the comments made against the person who had asked the question in the first place.

    It is his fault and not yours . For the ones who are writing in favour of second marriage without consultation, Don't we tend to translate the quran in our favour ?

    Can the man deal equally with two women without consulting the first one ? Would it not bring anger of the first one and break her trust?So how would he expect to treat both of them Justly/Equally?
    What kind of justice is the man giving to the woman (the first and the second ) by keeping things in secret?

    “… marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one.” (Quran 4:3)

    Since when JUSTLY became Secretly?

    SISTER YOU CAN ALSO TRY istikharah if that can help you .

    I won't be available for followup emails as I am moving on ,I just happened to land on this website by chance.I pray that Allah helps ease out your problems and rest of you in the best manner he feels.

    • Walaikum al-salaam everyone...
      There is Absolutely Nothing in the Qur'an that states a man has to tell his First wife about a second marriage..He as you see in the Above verse can marry 1234 wives. Yes, In Islam we are Equal Spiritually but in marriage we have our gender Designated Roles. This is from Allah SWT and in All rsspect to the Anti-Polygamists on here...How Dare Any of you question what Allah has made Halal...Astigfirullah
      Astigfirullah Astigfirullah
      I Reverted to Islam and If And when i marry My Husband will have my Full Support if he wishes to more wives and, In'Sha'Allah they will become my sister and their chldren will be mine too because I love My Husband and if this is his desire then It's been written by Allah SWT...
      Sister of the Original Post, you hav ed Done Nothing wrong dear but his First wife is in Disobedience And to use their children as blackmail is Despicable..
      May Allah reward you with patience In'Sha'Allah

      • Why ask yhis sister to do Istikara? Should she and her husbad divorce? Isnt that in itself a sin?

      • fatima, will he still have your full support if he engages in pre-marital sex with that woman before marrying her? if he lies to you for a long time about his activities before revealing the truth? if he neglects you and spends all his time with the second wife? if he stops spending on you and your children, and instead spends on her?

        Because these are the behaviors we often see nowadays with men who secretly take second wives.

        An intelligent, caring man would not do something that he knows would disrupt his first marriage and cause pain to his wife. If for some reason he was determined to marry a second wife, he would discuss it with the first wife, at the very least as a courtesy, if not out of respect and love, to prepare her, rather than lying to her.

        Wael Editor

  53. I find all these replys very confusing. I soon will become a 2nd wife too. And the first wife isn't approving this to happen. I love my husband to be very much. Does this make me a bad person really?

    • Asalamalaykum sister no being in love with your husband and wanting to marry him doesn't make you a bad person. Polygamy is allowed in Islam it is not a sin, how others react or feel shouldn't matter as long as you are marrying for the right reason. Therefore polygamy has been made permissible in Islam. Wanting to keep within the boundaries of Islam is not wrong at all don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks focus on how to please Allah s.w.t. whether the first wife approves or not is between her and her Lord. I myself am a second wife and my husband's first wife doesn't approve of our marriage either we have been married for 5 years she knows but chooses to ignore it and that's entirely up to her if she feels she is able to cope that way. Sister just make sure that he is able to be just between you both. It's hard being a second wife it requires a lot of patients but in sha Allah you will be okay as long as you focus on your obligations as a Muslim and a Muslim wife. And stay patient and be kind I have been through a torrent of abuse via my husband's first wife but I have always tried my hardest to remain calm and quiet and be kind because that is what Allah requires us to do by Allah's will I was given the ability to deal with it all. It's going to be hard but as long as you know your husband is by your side and Allah is in your heart and mind that's all that you need to in sha Allah make the marriage a success. Congrats on getting married 🙂 May Allah bless your marriage and help you both increase one another's iman :-)..

      • Thankyou so much for your reply. Really it has made me happy to hear your words in particular because you are a 2nd wife. I understand it won't be easy but I will look to Allah for guidance and I have faith all will be as it should be.
        I wish you the best and much happiness 🙂

      • Mashallah sister you have a very big heart! May Allah swt reward you for your sabr ameen

    • @Toria Asalamalaykum sister no being in love with your husband and wanting to marry him doesn't make you a bad person. Polygamy is allowed in Islam it is not a sin, how others react or feel shouldn't matter as long as you are marrying for the right reason. Therefore polygamy has been made permissible in Islam. Wanting to keep within the boundaries of Islam is not wrong at all don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks focus on how to please Allah s.w.t. whether the first wife approves or not is between her and her Lord. I myself am a second wife and my husband's first wife doesn't approve of our marriage either we have been married for 5 years she knows but chooses to ignore it and that's entirely up to her if she feels she is able to cope that way. Sister just make sure that he is able to be just between you both. It's hard being a second wife it requires a lot of patients but in sha Allah you will be okay as long as you focus on your obligations as a Muslim and a Muslim wife. And stay patient and be kind I have been through a torrent of abuse via my husband's first wife but I have always tried my hardest to remain calm and quiet and be kind because that is what Allah requires us to do by Allah's will I was given the ability to deal with it all. It's going to be hard but as long as you know your husband is by your side and Allah is in your heart and mind that's all that you need to in sha Allah make the marriage a success. Congrats on getting married 🙂 May Allah bless your marriage and help you both increase one another's iman :-).

    • Toria: I find all these replys very confusing. I soon will become a 2nd wife too. And the first wife isn't approving this to happen. I love my husband to be very much. Does this make me a bad person really?

      How did you meet your husband? How long you have been together? Is your husband younger then you? By chance are you helping him with immigration issues?

      • Hello.. Your questions are intriguing. I met him at my workplace. He is older than me and no nothing with immigration as we live in the same country.

      • wait your in 'Love' with a Man you have had any kind of relationship with yet?
        Why are you calling the Man your husband if your not actually married to him,

        i see Men doing a lot of bad things in pologamy yeah, but women tend to be naive and gullible, and i read their stories and think, what do you expect love....if people were actually following the rules of Islam you wouldn't be 'in love' before marriage, because Islam has boundaries

        people stop blaming everything on Men, women need to follow the deen as well, where are the females mehrams in so many of these stories, why are so many women falling in love with married men, how does one fall in love with someone without having any kind of relationship, whats wrong with u women.

        women like to cry a lot about things later but don't bother protecting themselves to begin with, don't hate on me, if a guy is chatting you up at work, while he has a wife at home, wise up man, soon he be on to number 3 and you'll be the one at home, women need to learn to respect themselves then complain about men disrespecting them, i got married secretly and now i am sad because my husband not giving me any rights, duh, he never intended too,

        a much older man asked to marry my sister, she was really young maybe 19 my sister is extremely beautiful, and he already had a wife who was barren, he came up to my dad in the mosque and said he wanted to marry her basically for her womb. that is literally what he said, i want to marry her because my wife can't have kids, just think about it....

        my dad said 'i don;'t have any daughters for you' byeee.... and thats how you do it, why shouldnt my sister have someone her own age? why should she enter into a long established marriage? what if she cant have kids either? will he go for number three, and she gets to see her husband once a week? we value our female family members and wouldn't agree to them getting into a situation where there is nothing in a marriage for them, i wouldnt want to share my wife or marry an older women in her 40s at the age of 19, knowing that the person is marrying not to share their life with, but to use me for my sperm, so why would i want that for my sister? i wouldnt chat up a sister at work, i would send a message to her mehram, and i wouldn't like to have my sister chatted up at work by a man, and she would allow any men to start chatting with her at work...
        you have to respect yourself if you want to be respected, the good men who are doing the pologamy are not approaching females at work because they have a crush on them, you get married in a dishonorable way, expect to be dishonored, respect yourself and then you get respect, then we can stop a lot of these debates...

  54. This is a very difficult matter really.. very complicated. I am 2nd wife. If I could turn back time and not give my heart to a man who is already married I would. But the heart wants what the heart wants so there is no turning back.

    • I would like to add my story. My husband of 20 years got lured by the marriage websites where women are looking for husbands. He began looking for his sons and came across the white Muslims women living in oppressive poor countries. We ourselves live in the west and are moderate muslims and have always disapproved of married men whom we hear rumours about "playing the field" but it's all halal "because he did a nikah " . My husband got lured into marrying a divorced woman whom he claims " he was only trying to help" . This help,was taking place for a couple of weeks twice a year when my husband told me he was going on business trips. He was getting his conjugal visits and she was hoping to get a visa into the west. my husband became very depressed and as I was unaware of the situation his behaviour became quite erratic as he tried to formulate a plan where he could travel,abroad more without suspicion. His excuses were that he was stressed and needed to focus more on the business.
      After a year and half he confessed to me what he had done and with his own arguments ready he told me that he had done it because he wasn't happy with my behaviour and he had been unhappy for 20'years. His family who loved me like their own daughter ,who had raised his children supported me. I asked for a divorce but he was unwilling to give that and continued to state that he had done everything islamically. He continued however to destroy my reputation with his family by stating that I was always at work, going out, screaming and shouting at him which his family knew was untrue. I kicked him out several times but my in laws kept bringing him back even though he spoke rudely to his own family as they supported me completely.
      Eventually after a year of this I approached the Islamic council for a divorce. As my husband refused, I had to present an argument..which I basically told them that I was a bad wife as he described. As this was all going on, my health suffered, my 2 children suffered...began to go out and become disrespectful and do unislamic behaviour which was a direct result of the turmoil in the house.who can respect a man who behaves like this?

      My husbands relationship with his second wife was slowly disintegrating as she was insisting on coming to live in the west and had produced a child as well. My husband said she could never come to the west as it was illegal and she was not happy with this. She wanted more money, a house and expenses. All this time he was going into debt as I refused to let him control the business monies which I also ran. He only had his share which wasn't enough to pay for 2 households. Also by now he had begun to realise he had made a mistake. The second wife agreed to a divorce for a large sum of money. I gave him the choice of divorcing me if he was unhappy and I could then move on or divorcing the second wife. That was my ultimate decision which I told the Islamic council. In the end he knew he couldn't remain married to her as he himself was unwilling to live 6 months in an undeveloped country as I had pointed out to him he was required to do. I had to point out to him that lying, cheating and keeping her secret was fuelling the suspicion and rumours in his extended family. At this point a lot of people had made the connection of his trips abroad.

      In the end he divorced her and then began to,question his behaviour becoming very depressed as to why he had done it. He had a perfect marriage yet he had destroyed my trust. I found him to have become scheming, manipulative, made negative slurs about Islam, and began to hate his own loving family.
      In the end the other woman married another man and this deeply upset him.
      I eventually left him 2 years later as I couldn't stay with a dangerous man who was becoming increasingly violent and abusive. He now has lost everything and has little contact with his children and family.
      Men don't know the true requirements for 2nd wives. If he had approached me or his family we would have stressed this. Not only that.. he believed that because he didn't need my permission it made it permissible for him to lie and carry on a secret affair .. I had become very suspicious as had his family. Once this affair began he started behaving differently towards his family and me...distancing himself...making very odd comments.
      What did he gain in the end...nothing.

      • As salamu alaykum everyone
        I met my husband now about 4 years ago. I was previously married for 12 years in a very abusive marriage with two children. When I met my now husband he started sharing Islam with me as I was catholic before. Alhamdulillah I reverted to Islam and started to see life in a different light. My ex husband was arrested one night for hitting me and I finally found the courage to press charges against him and till this day we never been back together alhamdulillah. I have learned to forgive him as this is what Islam taught me alhamdulillah. My husband now spoke to me and told me he had a first marriage his wife and children lived back in India and he was working here(London) to save up and inshallah bring them over. He said to me if I would accept him and accept to be his second wife. He wanted to show me and my kids to right way inshallah which he has done.
        I asked him when he planned to tell his wife about us and he said he would but not over the phone as he didn't feel it would be right so when he would travel there he would speak to her. Unfortunately few months down the line he lost his job and found himself in financial distress and was not able to visit his wife until last December 2016. When he visited them before he could even talk to her she sneaked on his phone and saw my message which I was talking to him how I was feeling as I was pregnant at that time.
        As you can imagine all hell broke loose! She demanded a divorce from him that right minute! He had to delay coming back to uk to stay there and calm the situation! Alhamdulillah he made it back and on time before our son was born alhamdulillah. But she gave him a condition that he was coming here to end our marriage and finalise everything and go back to India. He once again tried to convince her that yes me and him were now divorced and he wanted to bring her and kids here. It seemed she was ok with it but I guess not. In march 2017 she called him and told him it was urgent he went there to do some paperwork so he went. Unfortunately when he got there it was all a trap! As he slept she took his passport and visa gave it to her parents which they game to the police apparently and now he can't leave the country! They are forcing him to stay there and he must not have no contact with me or his son he's lost his job here which he has worked so hard for too. Allahuakbar I can't believe how low people can go. I'm shocked! I never ever stopped him from seeing them or nor I demanded he divorce her for me! I understand she is hurt but he's not leaving her he's not abandoning them! He wanted to build a little fe here with them too. But she thinks I want to take him away which is not true at all and Allah knows! He is a very good man mashallah he's very soft and caring! And she and her family keep putting him and his family down calling him names and that he's a bad father and husband!! Allahuakbar he can't contain his tears when he sees his 3month old son on the phone. Now is this just?! Is it fair?! I can only ask Allah swt to grant me sabr because this is killing me inside! Please have some consideration and not be judgemental not all men who seek second wife are bad or have bad intentions! And not all second wife's are bad either!!
        Salam to all

  55. Don't give up sister
    Read quran please and read properly what is says if wife refuse to accept second wife. He or u didn't done nothing wrong . E d of the day its his right as Muslim. She need to understand

    May Allah make it easy for u

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