Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Fitnah of women has devastated my life

Assalamalaikum brothers and sisters.

I am a religious guy in 3rd year of my engineering degree. I pray regularly and people around me consider me super religious. It seems I'm stuck in life. The fitnah of women has completely devastated my life. Alhumdulillah I dont sin and it has been more that 4 years that I have left music, movies, dramas,seasons. I am safe from any addiction or pornography. But women are everywhere and my life's theme has become 'not seeing women'.I have been completely consumed by the struggle to save myself.

Because of this, I want to marry early for which I need atleast a decent job and here is where my 2nd trouble lies. 3 years of studying engineering has reassured me that this field was not meant for me. I dont have any skill or confidence and I am absolutely under talented for engineering. This has shattered my self esteem and confidence to be able to obtain and sustain any decent engineering job( after I graduate 1.5 years from now) due to which marriage seems a far away possibility and a daunting task.

I have been praying for years to get a breakthrough in these two troubles of mine. I've been praying so hard to Allah to increase my skill in my field and make my mind technically better so that I get confidence to perform in my field, get a good job and get married. Nothing is improving. Nothing is changing. I have been through countless cycles of hoplessness, depression and then recovery through hope in Allah again.All this time I have tried to rely on the ayahs and ahadith about tawakkul,yaqeen and sabr and they do give me some degree of solace. But nothing is changing on ground.

My life has become so dull over these years. Every entertainment is haram. Everything has women in it. Everything halal in terms of entertainment is either unavailable or unreachable. I am always questioning my approach towards dealing with fitnah of women. It seems I am overdoing 'avoiding women' which has made me paranoid and my whole life is now centered around this thing.

My soul is screaming from the inside. I am too much overburdened,overstressed. No one knows or understands my struggles. Everyone out there is 'normal;'and into movies, seasons,relationships and entertainment while I have become a crazy paranoid with a dull and static life over these years. I am serious and unhappy most of the times and my mood is somehow bad due to the fitnah of women. Either I am frustrated about the immorality in the society or I am fighting the latest surge of desire due to some outside or inside trigger.And one crazy thing I have noticed that as compared to others who don't purify their gaze and watch everything, I get attracted to even the slightest of stimulus for example I will start feeling uncomfortable even if my glance falls on a girl with uncovered hair. On the other hand,my friends might be okay and apparantly unaffected even if they're watching provocatively dressed girls in movies/seassons. This makes me feel that my abstinence from looking at women has made me oversensitive and crazy.

I thought leaving haram will give me peace..but my life has become constricted even after establishing prayer for years and leaving haraam.

I want to get married..I need a companion..I am shallow..It's killing me from inside..It's been years and Allah knows how many more years are there before I can get married. I hope you people can understand..what do I do sir ? All my sabr has drained. It's been years I am praying for a change in my situation..I am dissolving inside and there's no liveliness left inside me.

What do I do?


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11 Responses »

  1. Assalam oalaikum,

    May Allah guide you and help you with the struggles that you are facing.

    Well done for having sabr and continue to do so, inshaAllah.

    Have you spoken to your parents/guardians about how you feel?
    Maybe if you speak to someone older they can help you find someone or at least start the process of searching for a match as you are not yet fully independent as you have mentioned.
    Personally, I think you seem ready for a partner and you should get one to satisfy your needs- emotionally, physically, spiritually and mainly, mentally.

    Secondly, on a practical note- is it possible that you can start a part-time job or something of the sort so you can start saving up?
    This will the hopefully a give you good ground and ability to save until your degree finishes and you find full time employment.

    I do think that you are stressing ourself over girls, and what you have described you are feeling and experiencing does not seem healthy at all.
    Please speak to an elder so they can guide you. And also speak to a counsellor if possible.

    May Allah help you,
    Your Sis in Islam

  2. Brother you first plan about your career and set small goals. You work hard in your course learn some technical skills.marriage for every human being is granted by Allah tala so don't think of much about marriage build your better career .You can also marry with your virtues anyhow marriage is a suspense you can't expect when it's going to happen.beware of girls and pornography in sha Allah u will get beautiful life parner and u won't feel much when u get married.infact every youngster will go through these frustration it's common to every human.

  3. Salaam alaikum
    Get married. End of story.
    You think your hardwork or degree is what will provide for you?
    AR ARAZZAQ provides.
    Your job is to worship
    Follow your deen to solve this dilema not what duniya has set as the status quo

  4. You write:
    people around me consider me super religious

    I don't think you sound super religious at all, I think you just sound super rigid, miserable, boring and unrealistic. Sorry for being blunt, but I hate when people confuse the mentioned personality traits for "super religiousness". It's not the same thing.

    1) You can't pray your way to skill and talent. If engineering isn't something you are good at it, stop beating the dead engineering horse already and find yourself something else to study. Something that you are actually good at and enjoy. It's not the end of the world to acknowledge that you made a wrong choice. I personally changed my major three times, and I'm glad I did. Like you, I was trying to make something unworkable work...but probably not for as long as you have.

    2) Women are not SARS you seem terrified of female contact. We make out half of the world's population, it's very unrealistic and weird to spend your entire life trying to avoid females. No wonder you're so miserable. As long as you know your boundaries, there's nothing wrong with working with and speaking to women. I don't know what kind of society you live in where it's possible to avoid all women you're not related or married to.

    3) As for entertainment, I guess everyone is going to have different opinions on that. Again, I think it's weird and unrealistic to think you can get through life without entertainment. Your life is going to be looooong and boring indeed, if you think all you can do in life is read the Quran, pray and fast. I personally believe it comes down to the type of entertainment...what's so wrong about watching a science fiction or super hero film? On the other hand, maybe watching wet t-shirt competitions on MTV isn't the best kind of entertainment to watch.

    4) You need to sort yourself out before you get married, because I can guarantee you that marriage will not change your issues. You have to stop letting other people define you and your wellbeing. It shouldn't matter to you what other people around you are should be confident and strong enough to not get influenced by others so easily.

    • Your post seems to be blasting the OP and of no use to any one .

    • Wow! This website is supposed to be the place for 'Islamic answers' to people's issues. I'm sorry to say that nothing about your answer is Islamic because firstly you are judging the OP, secondly you absolutely dont seem to be understanding by what he means when he talks about avoiding women. No wonder you being a women cant have even a little bit of idea of what it means to fight temptation in this age as a man. Lastly none of your suggestion appears to be substantiated by Quran and the Sunnah.

      Is there anything dua cant achieve? What is there that is 'unlikely' or 'unrealistic' for Allah? It's obvious that he can't change his major that's why he's seeking counsel.

      Secondly what kind of entertainment on the media can you suggest him which is within Islamic guidelines? Bear in mind that it's not permissible for men to look at unrelated women without any purpose or requirment.

      I think he well understands the boundaries of interaction with females and is not scared of them like your response suggests.

      I wonder if the mods have compromised the theme of this website. This place was meant for Islamic answers instead of anybody's opinion about anything.

    Bro check this link...i am also going through from this.....but in my case i cant control my self when i see a women with covered hair......bro just feel are taking your religion as a burden thats why this is happening...islam is not about restriction is all about our protection...your story and my story is almost me on ***********

  6. You need to be more of a man and act less weird when it comes to approaching a woman. It’s not haram to talk to a woman depending on certain context. You are desperate for sex that’s why you are calling woman of fitna. I was once talking to a guy, same like you, he would curse at the women who didn’t cover their hair at the masjid, and when a woman came to his house he won’t open the door. He was religiously weird and blames women because something he desires, he can’t have. Tell your parent to help you don’t just go for a pretty girl, make sure you are compatible and have same goals.

    • And I wanted to add that I was talking with this guy online. He explained to me how he feels about woman. He was strict about felt that it was not woman proper for a woman to work. What end up happening was he went back home and married a very naive girl from a village.

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