Either I force myself to get married or suicide
Salaam Dear Brothers & Sisters
Ever since I was a small child my parents have been telling me that I should marry someone who is Muslim & of my country (I am Bengali). All this time I thought that in Islam you have to marry only Muslims from your own culture, otherwise it is not valid. Just recently I have done more research on Islam & I found out that there isn't anything that said that. In Islam you can many anyone who is a muslim regardless of where they are from. I am not in any relationship but I find Bengali men to be more 'brotherly' and most of them do not follow real Islam but a mix of Islam & culture which I do not like. I am also not attracted to them (which does not mean they are not attractive, I just feel they are more like brothers than husbands) & I want to marry men outside of my race who are pious practicing Muslims.I told this to my parents and my father says he will never ever accept. My mother also says she can not let this happen because of my father. I feel so guilty because I think that the only way I can get married is if something happens to my father. I feel extremely guilty thinking like this & I fell into this depression with massive guilt. When I think about my future I do not even see my father in it and this gives me more pain than I can bear because he is already terminally ill. I love my father & I do not want him to die.
I asked my mother if she will ever let me marry any man who have converted to Islam from another race, she just says that it is temporary, & that within a few months or years they will turn back to their old ways and turn away from Islam. At the same time she praises my sister in law's sister's husband who converted from Hinduism to Islam & who went to Hajj. He is Bengali and converted to Islam but the speech of what she said about converts didn't apply to him because 'he is Bengali' and Bengali's don't do such things.
This is driving me crazy because I want to get married as soon A's possible before I fall into zina but my parents are not making this possible for me. Every guy they find either drinks, or wants to marry for green card, etc. Some do not even want to see the girl until the day of marriage which I find to be highly suspicious.
Please help me what can I do the depression is breaking me down, I wonder why this is happening to me. I know that if our parents say something different from what Allah has said, to listen to Allah but then when I told my Mom this, she told me that I am using God's name to get what I want & I started feeling guilty and even started to wonder if what she said is true. I can't take this anymore there is no way to change my father's mind, he controls our whole family so his name is really big within our community. If I get married to any man outside of my race he will be disgraced from the Bengali community & he will not be able to take that stress. Please help me what can I do, I have been so upset & depressed that I have been thinking for a while that either I force myself to get married or suicide is an option to get over everything that I am going through now because they will not let me move away & if I run away I do not have any place to go to. Please help me.
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Some of the other members will give routine replies which might be of help or might not, but I'll give you some realistic advice given I understand your culture and background and upbringing.
If you want to keep ties with your family, then keep saying no to the proposals they bring up for you until they suggest a good man. It seems they've only offered some bad Muslim men for you, not good ones, there are plenty, ask them to show one of them.
As for the reason of not marrying a convert, that's very wrong and no one agrees with it, but your parents won't change their opinion, they've sadly been raised that way.
Also why do you think converts are a better choice than born Muslim men?
I say you keep saying no to their proposals until you find a half decent man, one whom you can build a strong marriage with. Too many women want the perfect husband, the husband who is a perfect Muslim, but why not marry one who has slightly weaker Iman and work with him to build a successful marriage?
Most of my friends were not very practising, nor was my father or grandfather, they got married to good women and those women reminded them of their duties as Muslims and not they are much better Muslims.
I think it's a pipe dream that the sisters see, I'm not saying you shoudl marry a Muslim man who drinks or goes clubbing, but say there is someone who doesn't pray or occassionally leaves out a fast, someone who has a clean shave etc, these guys you can help and they can become better for sure, I've seen it too often.
Asalamualaikum John,
I do not think that converts are better choice than Muslim men, what I am trying to say is that the men are following a mix of culture & religion which I dislike therefore I prefer converts because many of them follow Islam without the influence of traditions. It's just a preference & I have nothing against men who are born Muslim. I do not mind marrying a man who is born Muslim at all, I just am not attracted to the ones in my culture. I do not mind marrying an Arab man or any other muslim men. I just want my options to be open & it's not fair that my parents are doing this because it is going against Islam.
I also do not want an angel to be my husband. I have flaws myself and understand that many men have flaws too. I just want a man who is religious & pious, who fears Allah. This does not mean that he has to be strictly religious, it just means that he needs to have that fear in his heart. I want to be able to help a man become better in his religion so I am completely okay with him missing a couple of prayers, fasts, clean shaven, etc. I have no problem with this.
What you don't understand is the pressure my parents put on me to marry someone because they are of our culture & they care more if he is a doctor, has a lot of money, etc. than religion. So many times have I seen guys take our religion for granted & I do not want to end up like many of my relatives who are stuck with someone who cheats, drinks alcohol, etc.
& If i keep rejecting those who they bring to me, they get more frustrated & angry. When i say "No" they say "Why not? what do you see wrong in him? you will never get married like this" & eventually they will force me to get married to someone I do not want to get married to, like what they did to my older sister.
Sis,
You said: "& If i keep rejecting those who they bring to me, they get more frustrated & angry. When i say "No" they say "Why not? what do you see wrong in him? you will never get married like this" & eventually they will force me to get married to someone I do not want to get married to, like what they did to my older sister."
I know this pressure. I understand it. Probably every Bengali/Pakistani sister goes through it. But keep going through the process, see it as an elimination process. No one can force you to marry. And you have the example of you sister to keep you strong.
Yes, your folks will give you emotional hassle, but re-programme your thought process. Know that others go through the same thing. Tell yourself, 'I am used to my parents telling me off for rejecting proposals, but I can justify the rejection to myself and Allah knows my reason, this is the most important thing'. Just dont give in.
Its really unfortunate that sisters have to think like this, but some parents leave no choice. You'll get through it sis inshaAllah!
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
The only caveat to the above is, what if your parents introduce you to a Bengali man who would be highly compatible with you?
Don't reject everyone on a blanket basis. I agree that south asian parents all too frequently mix up culture and religion, and I am very put off by Pakistani men. However, you never know where Allah SWT has written your destiny.
Please, don't reject a man JUST BECAUSE he is Bengali. I think that is the wrong approach.
Keep an open mind, and Insha'Allah the right husband will be brought to you -- whether he is Bengali or not.
I agree Precious Star, thanks for highlighting that.
What I meant was that the Sis should use the elimination process for those she find's unsuitable. Of the many who come to see her, some maybe nice. And, they should all be treated with respect, they are probably just as nervous as she is - Bengali or not.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum Sister Sam7,
Your place of refuge is the Qur'an and what can save you from zina is salaat on time with tahajjud, Insha Allah.
Read the Qur'an with meanings for next 8 days, a lot, as much as you never read in your life.
Insha Allah, come to us after a week. Tell us how you feel.
I am sure, this is an easy and better choice than suicide. Better for your dunya and aakhirah.
I hope you can try this Insha Allah and it will give you a direction.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Dear Sister Sam7, Walaykumsalaam,
I understand your every word and feeling. Although I will say to you straight away: Suicide is a big 'No no'!
I can tell you are pretty clued up, in that you know that Islam does not at all prohibit cross cultural marriages, infact it encourages them. So you want to exercise your right to marry a Muslim of any background and you have a full right to do so. That is good. But what I do not understand is that if you are so Islamically clued up, why are you considering 'suicide'? Running away and committing suicide is the cowardly way out and will give you nothing but more pain and heartache.
What you are facing is a test, a difficult test that many of your Muslim brothers and sisters are facing aswell. It is a widespread issue amongst the Indian subcontinent and one that we have to face with strength and patience. We have to remember that many of our parents and their generation were brought up in a predominantly cultural society. Whereas we Alhumdulillah, have been brought up in mixed communities and have had the chance to learn an unpolluted version of Islam. So we are both conflicting with each other. Its a battle that brings many emotions and issues to the surface. And I will always say that the root to 'starting' to solve any issue is by improving communication. Having battled with trying to improve family 'Communications' myself, I know that this is not an easy thing, but it has to be done. There is no other way. Keep knocking on the brick wall, eventually you'll break through (inshaAllah). Irrelavent as it is, the Berlin Wall eventually came down.
***
You are depressed. Your parents do not understand you and because your views are different. On the one hand, your religion justifies your way of thinking (well partially, I don't think you should set out to reject a potential just because he is Bengali). But on the other hand your family are making you out to be disobedient, stubborn, difficult. Deep down you know there is nothing wrong with your way of thinking, but its frustrating when no one in your family understands you. That I understand.
I also understand the next point where you say that although there maybe some good Bangladeshi guys around for marriage, you want to marry outside of your culture. But do you think that perhaps you are allowing your fears of the 'Stereotypical Bengali man' overtake your reasoning? What will happen if you check out some of those decent Bengali guys? If you do not like them, then reject them. You may actually end up liking one if you give him a chance. If your parents are introducing you to men who are as you say they are, i.e. into drinking etc then reject them. Also make an effort to find someone yourself. If you so badly want to marry a non-Bengali, you can't fight about something when its not actually there, can you? If you find a good potential husband - whatever his background, then deal with the next step then. But first make your foundation strong. Make yourself strong.
So do something to find a potential spouse, go to marriage events, join http://www.zawaj.com, go to Muslim social events. Give yourself the chance of finding out which men there are around you. You may be nicely surprised.
***
Through your search you may find a nice Bengali Muslim man you wish to settle with, or a Muslim man of a different culture. When you come to that point, do whatever it takes to make your parents understand. This is the testing part, if your strong enough to take the challenge, step on board. If you are unable to convince them yourself, then use a good Imam. If you live in the UK, there are alot of good Bengali Imams/Sheikhs in East London Masjid who would be willing to help you convince your parents. If you live in another country, then I am sure that there are good Imams there who can also help you break through.
***
You mentioned that part of your depression has been caused by your thoughts: you think that the only way you will ever be able to marry outside of your culture is when your father is no longer alive and so you feel guilty. This is because you are feeling weak, you are feeling that you nothing you do will ever be able to win your father over. But this is Shaytaan making you feel so.
Your current thought is this: 'I want to marry a Muslim man of any culture but Bengali. My father will never let me do this so it will be after his death'. Then the whole guilt thing kicks in. Its a negative way of thinking and you'll stay stuck in a rut if you continue to think like this.
Try making this your new thought: 'I want to marry a good Muslim man, whatever his culture is, even if he is Bengali. I will give all men a chance, regardless of their culture. I will be in control. I will reject or accept a proposal based on Islamic criteria. If he is not Bengali, I will not panic. I will be positive and I will try to do whatever I can to convince my father. I will keep communicating, I will keep trying. I will ask an Imam to help me if need be. I will use this as an opportunity to come closer to Allah and I will find strength and faith in Him, I trust He will help me if/when I need help. I will fight away the thoughts of my father dying, because this is from Shaytan playing on my weakness. I will rise up above and deal with matters as I am faced with them'.
***
Now Sis, try not to worry about what has not happened and may never happen. Focus on your mental well being. Take up hobbies, learn about your deen, mix with good Muslims and see where it takes you. It may help banish your fear of Bengali men, it may help you find a nice Muslim Bengali man, thereby solving your family issue. Or your may find Muslim man from another culture. Whatever happens, keep it halaal, deal with it face on and try to find comfort and strength in Allah.
I understand what you are going through. I know lots of other sisters with the same issue. But try to see it as a test, because it is just that. Just be careful not to end up doing the same thing that your parents are doing. They are not giving non Bengalis a chance, you are not giving Bengalis a chance. If you live in London, let me know and I'll put you in touch with some like minded Muslim sisters.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Bismillah. Salaam.
Listen your parents know whats best for you sister.
Don't make things more complicated.
If a proposal from a good pious bengali brother comes
about then accept it. If he's respectful, religious, pious,
treats his parents and ALL elders with respect then I say
go for it. Don't dwell so much on finding your own. Its
not as easy as we think. If your parents give a suggestion,
give it a chance. Inshallah you will find the right one.
Ameen.
Well said Nawid!
salaam sister
i am sorry for the hardship that you are facing as many here have pointed out it is a test and you have to be strong insha allah after hardship there is ease
instead of being depressed or thinking to take away your life why not consider another option
i won,t say to you listen to your family and settle for there choice for a simple reason i understand that
you are not attracted to bangali men thats normal as i have many white muslim girlfriends who are attracted to arabs or black only its a matter of taste so anyway the other option you have is live your life in peace
if you ever come across a man from another culture another race a muslim God-fearing one that you wish to marry try sweet talking your parents if they refuse go ahead and marry him without their consent in the mosque
a father has no right to refuse his daughter marrying a good muslim man just coz he is from another race it is unislamic and islam has given you the choice and the right we dont have to blindly obey our parents
we obey them only in what is lawful and refusing you to merry a god muslim man of your choice is not lawful
i wish allah to ease your pain anf give you a good husbend
a muslim sister
rahima, you have said some nice things but I disagree about marrying without the parents' consent. That is not good advice. It would be better to try and convince the parents using good arguments from the Quran and Sunnah, or bring someone knowledgeable in Islam to talk to them.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
wael i respect your point of view and ofcours It would be better to try and convince the parents using good arguments from the Quran and Sunnah with the help of someone who knows the deen thats why i said try sweet talking your parents to the sister meaning she should try to convince them in a nice way
but what if they still dont agree ?
should she give up her right to please them ?
in islam we obey parents in everything lawful but when it comes to marriage we dont have to obey blindly
specially if the reason parents are refusing a certain husband martial is unislamic
it might cause fitnah to there children and i have spoken of experience as i faced the same situation in my life as this sister my family refused me to merry someone coz he was from another culture not only that but they demanded that i merry someone from my country and my own tribe too
i found that unfair and i have spoken to them they never listened so i talked to someone from the mosque in regents park [uk london ] and they told me that my father rejecting a good man just coz he is from another culture is un islamic and they would speak to him if he refused they told me i can still go ahead and merry him in there mosque and someone else will act as my wali .
i faced my family with that and i told them i am planing to go ahead and merry the man i have chosen unless they present me with valid reason why they cant accept him it was a real battle of wills and a hard time for all of us but they knew i meant what i said so they finally accepted reluctantly praise is all due to allah
i hope i didnt offend anyone i am not encouraging disrespect to parents i am simply saying thats an option a girl can have and its her right too
anything wrong i said is from me and what right i said is from allahs guidance
wa salaam alaykum
Dear sis,
I think that is what Wael meant. That you try your absolute best to convince your parents using every resource available. If after they still do not agree, then an Imam can step in as your wali.
You took the right steps - it seems.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editors
Salaam my sister,
If I have understood correctly:
1. There is currently no Bengali man on the scene
2. There is currently no non-Bengali man on the scene
Therefore, it appears that you have having a theoretical argument with your mother regarding your options for marriage. This is conjecture and a waste of time and drama.
In truth, no one knows what reaction will occur when a suitable spouse comes onto the scene. Everyone is very loyal to their theories whilst sitting in the comfort of their living room - but when the day comes, only Allah knows what will happen.
My advise to you is to stop wasting your emotional energy on theoretical arguments and trust in Allah, that when the suitable husband appears into your life, he will make it easy for you inshAllah. This is senseless talking and empty debate - there is nothing actually happening here, though you are building it up into something equal to a problem which drives one to suicide. Stop this, it's a waste of time.
Live your life in peace, trust Allah, trust your parents.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
I agree! I think she should wait till she finds someone she really likes the Islamic way THEN think about this. Who knows if she might end up falling for a Bengali man & all this drama would be for no reason.
Layla, your words are so true and wise, very well said!!!!
DO NOT MARRY A MAN UNLESS YOU REALLY FEEL IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
Please, I am tired of people wanting to marry just to please their parents. I'm sorry I will rant here.
I know how you feel. I'm sorry you feel that way. It is sad that people raise their children with such ideas. Islam doesn't prohibit it, but people think their races are superior. Allah created us into nations and tribes to know each other, not HATE one other. That's a verse in the Quran so maybe you should point that out to your parents, but I have a strong feeling they will not care. I know somebody who is in the same situation, so forgive my frustrated tone. It really bothers me. Shouldn't parents be more concerned with their children's happiness as opposed to cultures and what their Bengali society will think of the family because their child married out of the race? I just don't get it. If something makes someone happy, let her go ahead with it. Why prohibit something that is halal? Your father is sinning by doing this. Besides, converts are now Muslims like you and I, so if they leave Islam it is just as though we leave it. We shouldn't doubt converts because they have SUBMITTED. You just can't judge anyone, period. I don't know what advice to give you, sister, except that you should NOT marry until you feel happy about it, and keep trying to find Islamic fatwas/ Quranic verses on it. This is all a matter of arrogance and the feeling of cultural superiority. In the end, we will all be buried 6 feet beneath the ground, regardless of whether we're Bengali, Arab, Afghan, Pakistani, or Chinese. Some people just don't understand this though. First off, what have you or I done to become Bengali or Afghan or whatever nationality we are? Nothing. So, what role did that man have in being born non- Bengali? None. We don't have control over the race or family we're born into, so it's not fair to discriminate against someone based on something they have no control over. Please tell your father this. Tell him that he is prohibiting something halal, which means he is sinning because nobody has the right to make what's halal haram and what is haram into halal. Please update us on the situation. May Allah make things easier on you and lead your parents to the right path. Ameen.
Ty so much for this comment really helps, my girlfriend is bengali and islam, but im viet and not islam. She told me her family would not accept and would end up forcing her to arranged marriage even if she don't want to, and if she said no they will have family members comes and talks down to her makes her feel guilty for not doing so and say that she would embarrassed the family and her father :(. Thanks for your comment deffinalty shows me that there is some hopes thanks alot
@Andrew
My brother,
inshaAllah there could be hopes for you to marry her, only if you will revert to the true religion i.e, Islam.
_________________
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
I know an asian woman who is herself south asian, brought up and part of a community and family who is a copy of yours...and she is attracted to what - Black reverts. Imagine the mental struggle for her!
So you see sis,ur not alone and some have it even harder. Whatever u do, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT accept anyone you are not happy with just to impress anyone. This is your life..respect ur parents, but respect urself and the man enough too to not allow a marriage to take place if you dont want it to and dont feel anythign for him. In the meantime, do LOTS of dua. If anything can cause a miracle, its sincere dua to Allah accompanied by good deeds. 🙂 Inshallah..i know i know what ur thinking...but as impossible as it seems to change the mentality of our parents, remember allah can make things happen in 'ways we cant even imagine'...so he can make you get what you want as well as not necessarily changing ur parents thoughts...our knowledge and ability is limited not His. Keep up the faith.,respect ur parents always and keep up the patience with dua..
Wassalaam
Assalamu alaykum,
Good hopeful words in the last two lines.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Salam Alaikum sister, I am farmilliar with what you are going through as I am also a muslim woman and sort of went through the same father issues.
How I delt with it was through patience and waited many years, I am still not married, but Alhamu lilah I can cope better now.
You need to take an anti depressant for the time being, your words " I will either commit suicide of force myself to get married" really show that you need something to help u get through this!
It is so mentally stressfull to cope I totally understand! anti depressants within time will help remove unwanted thoughts, and remove sexual tension, and give u happiness so u wont need to be married in order to feel happy!
Many people will give u many different answers, because everyone has a different background.
but seriously u said the men that they were interested in u marrying drank? I mean thats not acceptable islamically.
I do want to comment about convert men, what I believe is, if they convert to Islam b4 marriage, and grow a beard and pray five times a day and tottally avoid zina, drink, pork, and all haram then u can see they are sincere! and doing it for Allah!
But if you meet a man who isn't muslim and then just turns muslim for marriage, then he is likelly to return to his old ways if the marriage doesn't work out.
Also, Allah will give u a husband if you are patient, make good muslim friends, who have children then u can develop relationships with them, teach their children Quran and this will stop u feeling lonelly and depressed! pray to allah to remove desires from u until he gives u a husband, Allah wants to test u to see if u are sincere! being single is sometimes a good thing, because if u are not ready to get married, only Allah knows if it is a good thing or bad thing, i read here about girls who rushed into marriage with the wrong man and he turned out to be horrible and put them through hell! So be patient, dont marry any man who isn't a practising muslim, don't force urself to marry anyone! it is better to be single that be with a man u don't love! not all bangali men need a visa, some bangali men are mixed raced half british half bangali, or some were born in uk and have british passport, so this is something to consider, but if u really find them all not marriage material than pray to Allah to make ur father see things differently, remember ur dad has more experience of the world and although u cant completelly understand that now, when u are older u will come to know things that u dont know now and u will understand what its about. i also think ur father loves u and doesnt want u to move away and live in another country, so thats why he wants a bangali, but if a man was a very very pious muslim and wanted to live in bangal then maybe ur dad would accept also if the man got bangal visa maybe he would like him if the man wanted to learn the language, pray To Allah so much, and be patient, after years maybe allah will answer the dua! life isn't about rushing and trying to get everything all in one go! if u rush then it will only be bad
correction to typo Alhamdu* Lilah
Maybe other races look bengali women as only sisters , not as a wife material . Have you ever considered that ?
A Muslim Man- the issue at hand is not whether she can find a non Bengali man to be her suitor.. The issue is that her parents have ruled that out.
I think what she is trying to say is that she just wants to keep her options open & not have to worry about whether the guy is Bengali or not to be able to marry him. Maybe she wants to marry someone because of how much of a good Muslim he is, not based on race. It's kind of hard when a really nice guy comes around & he is strong in his belief, a real good match but your parents reject him. You ask why & they say "Because he is not (enter your nationality here)" I don't think that's fair. Sadly alot of people have to go through this.
I know a Bengali girl who's brother fell inlove with a Pakistani girl that nobody accepted because of a war 30+ years ago. Later on as time went by the mother & father both accepted their "relationship" but didn't want them to get married because of what the rest of their family members might think. Talk about putting family honor before your religion. It is not right but it happens way too much.
sallam everyone,
Im really happy, mashallah, to see the support the sister is getting regarding her situation.
Not alot that i can say because everythings pretty much been said sister. However i am suggesting (in a good way) that you keep us posted of your situation.
And please tell us a little bit about yourself, age, country . . . You do not need to be descriptive in a sense that it gives away your identity. maybe we (everyone reading your tough situation) can help with finding a partner inshallah. (only if u want that is)
Allah knows best.
Sallam.
I think everybody has their own preference and what they find attractive in other people but sister it really is superficial, my parents never said to me dont marry outside your race, but i never would because i no it would effect them, my fathers older brother married a white women in the 1940s from that marriage my uncle had twin girls now their grandchildren are not muslim and you would never no they had a drop of other blood in them, that is heartbreaking and very hard to take for are elders, coming to the west and having kids here was a real gamble for them, that their children would reject their culture and religion so that is why they were drilling it in to your head from age 2yrs marry your own the closer the better for them , it does not matter if the other person is religious all they see is not the same as them dont no them not comfortable with them, sister to go as far as thinking ill for your father over this issue is so wrong in so many way's this life is a TEST for all of us who's to say you get your wish and marry this idea revert or other born muslim he would still only be a man and believe me sister when you get married and are living with someone the outer beauty goes so fast you could be married to the best looking guy in the world all you end up seeing is the inside, so really think why this is such an issue for you.
I found that with sincere prayer to Allah ANYTHING is possible. Whenever I feel like I am at a place where so many things are standing in my way, whenever I feel lost, the only constant is God. So pray sister, ask the Creator, no one is wiser or more powerful. Such a comforting fact. 🙂 I am in the same boat as you, and I am confident Allah won't let me down subhan Allah.