Forced to marry; parents refuse to listen
Forced Marriage
Salaam brothers and sisters,
I am in a horrible situation and cannot find a solution. A few months ago my parents tricked me into going back to my home country. They said it was just for vacation. however, once we got there they told me they had fixed a marriage with a relative of mine. I had seen this man before so I instantly said no to the marriage because I knew I didn't like him. But my parents were so happy with the idea of me marrying him that they assumed I was joking.. After the engagement I spoke to them numerous times and said I did not wish to marry him but they didn't listen. I never argue with my parents much because my father gets angry and even hits me when he's mad so naturally I've always been afraid to speak up.. but even then I spoke out against this marriage.
My parents ignored me and continued to get my nikah find with this man. The nikah was done in front of many people and I was in a situation where if I spoke up then my dad would have killed me. So I signed the papers. I tried to get along with my husband but I feel nothing towards him..if anything, I find him repulsive. Its hard for me to even speak to him without becoming angry or annoyed. At one point I even told him I was forced to marry..I thought he might understand why it is so difficult for me to behave like a normal wife but he did not understand.. He acts like I never said it and pretends like everything is normal between us..can he not see that I am dying on the inside?
I have been molested for a large portion of my life so whenever my husband touches me I am reminded of the horrible things I've been thru. I just feel very uncomfortable around him. I have thought of divorce but the problem is my father will never let me get away with it..he yells, curses, and beats me whenever I fight with my husband so if I ever say divorce I am sure he will kill me. My mother is no help either.when I tell her that my nikah is invalid because I was forced to marry she yells at me for saying she sinned. She says Islam says to listen to your parents so I should be happy with their decision. I want a divorce but am terrified of my father. I have thought about running away but I don't want to hurt my parents..
They'll die of stress if I run away but I don't know any other options.my dad is like those parents who do honor killings. I m scared but I refuse to spend the rest of my life unhappy. Please help and thank you in advance.
Janaba.
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I'm really sorry for your situation, sister. I can't imagine what it must be like with such oppressive, aggressive and self-righteous parents who, unfortunately, think that their behaviour and actions are Islamic. But I can understand the difficulty you must be in :(.
It's not right for you to fear for your safety and life if you enjoy the rights that ALLAH has given you. Your marriage is indeed invalid, and it's sad that your parents put their own arrogance, desires and know-better attitude before the law of Allah.I don't like telling you what to do, because it's a very serious matter...you say your father is capable of honour killing you. That's extremely serious. I suppose this means that you talking to respected people in your Muslim community won't help - but in fact maybe only make things worse. I can imagine your father being the sort of man who politely takes in what someone else is saying, but when he's away, he'll be beating you up for airing the famly's personal business.
Sister...I don't like telling you what to do, because your family sounds...dangerous, and I don't want to give you advice that can make things harder for you, or jeopardize your safety and life even more. But...if I were in your shoes, I would feel like I need to get away. I don't know where you live in the world, but I know that in some European countries, you can get help from social workers and the police to get away from your family when you fear for your safety and life. It's a super drastic decision, but...sometimes, one needs to protect herself, even if it is from one's own parents. That's a sad, sad reality. I don't even want to tell you to try live with your husband in a happy marriage, because...you shouldn't have! Your marriage isn't even existant! I appreciate that you worry about your parents' health if you do run away...but with all due respect, all of this mess is all down to themselves. It's normal that people have to take the consequences of their actions, and your parents are no exception. You told them, you didn't want this marriage, but they were the ones who thought they know best...
Assalamu'alaikum sister Janaba,
May Allah Grant you from His Mercy.
Going away from home is an option, but carries drastic repercussions.
Other option you have is to try and adjust with your husband. You said he acts as if everything was normal. But what stops you from him are two reasons: a) You were molested in your past
b) You were forced to marry him against your will
The first reason can be well addressed and overcome with the help of a life partner who is supportive. The second one is something you will have to work with, yourself.
Now, know that you have married him and you had the right to deny before Nikaah. He probably did not know that you were marrying him against your wish. So sister, my question is: Is it not possible to accept him as your partner for the rest of your life? I mean, is he bad and not supportive? Will he not love you and be there for you if you intend to include him in your life?
If your answer is in the affirmitive, then I suggest you to give him a chance and see if this can work for good. It began BAD and you were forced to accept what you did not want to. But can it become GOOD and something you like and can this relationship become bliss? You have probably not given him a chance to prove himself. Share your problems with him and seek his support and see how he responds.
Try to make this work out, before any other thought. The fact that your parents lied to you and "tricked" you would make it difficult for you to accept it, but I think if you can repair this to make it a beautiful experience, you must try that first.
Allah Says in Surah al Bararah, Aayah 216:
But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.
I am not saying this man is good and your parents were right, and that you must not seek other avenues. I am just suggesting you to make things work, before looking at other options.
I pray that Allah Makes it easy for you.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hii SIster Janaba,
There is no more to think now or u dont need more advise now since "Adina Mohammadi" have already told u the essential measure to follow if u really need a transparence. The next step is try to explain this situation to some pious people from mosque for your safety, and do not try to let them come to talk to your parent as the situation can be worst! 2nd Step try to reach a policeman and lodge a complaint and express all ur fear u have and ask them for a Protection order that u r leaving this house now , hope they can find a place for you to stay or try to negociate a place to stay before u go to the policemen.
Its very important to use legal action since ur life can be ruinned by ur dad, but please Know what u will talk to the policeman and never include any muslim law or something which might give islaam a bad image since whatever how u parent r behaving is against islam. U can only say u have been force to get married and u r not be able to run away and u have fear of ur parent and he sound dangerous which u feel very scary . Tell them once ur parent know u have lodge a complaint, u will not be able to stay anymore in ur house as ur parent can seek for revenge..
Insha allah if u follow this step , then allah will help u at any cost, but have faith more and ask help with allah. without allah no one will come by ur side to help and advise.
while reading ur history, i really feel hurt inside and can feel ur pain, i know what is it..
Allah told us to obey our parent which is only the the RIGHTEOUS! Meant ur case is fully outside islam and its against human right as per sharia law. Without any doubt and without no more additonal advise u have already been granted to take further actions against ur divorce and parents! its will not become a since since ur parent is acting like a criminal!
Parent have no right to chose someone for u unless u give ur agreements. without ur agreement and without u feel u love this man, ur marriage will become 10000% invalid. its clear enough to see. Allah is justice always sister. have faith.
And dont let ur emotion fall for ur parent now when u have seen urself how your parent have become a criminals for ur as their own children, they have been harassed you for force marriage. Sister, They have invest a lot into ur pain and harassment, and u r suffering today, now u have to take further action to run away and let them bear some pain, Remember they will never feel the same pain u r feeling right now, yours is very critical and painfull! but their pain will not same, they wil only have pain about " what people will think of them and how to face the deal he dealt with your fake's husband familly and he will feel ashamed if it thats all" and no more pain like u have .
Trust me sister and There u go! go! U r a human, u have freedom, no one can stole your freedom. so move on and start taking some action and its on ur own decision. if ever u fail in taking action then it will be ur fault and never blame destiny or allah, allah has already created all the solutions for evey problem in this world, so u r here may be for a solution that allah has ordained..
Which country r u sister? u sound like an Indian or pakistaani background for sure..since the behaviour of ur familly!
Salaam
Brother Uzair Khan