Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Forced marriage and very abusive family?

Forced Marriage and Islam

Forced Marriage and Islam

Asalam'u Alakum dear brothers and sisters, as the titles states I am going through an issue. I posted my problem here a couple months back, so I wont rewrite everything, instead I will link it to you guys just in case you want to read more on my situation:

Fast forward to November 2015, I went to my doctor and expressed how heavily depressed I am and then he prescribed me Lexapro, an antidepressant. My parents only agreed to this thinking it would convince me to agree to the marriage but when they realized that it isn't working, they took the medicine away from me 3 months later. The symptoms of the withdrawals were horrible!

I spoke to my fiance behind my parents back in hope that maybe getting to know him would change my mind for my parents sake, but that didn't work out. We are NOT compatible. He has a weird temper and he doesn't understand me. So I expressed to him and his sisters that I was not happy with the marriage but they told me that everyone goes through this and he told me that he likes me and that he will not break it off.

My wedding is set to be January 2017 but I will never stop trying to fight it off. As of now though and my main concern is: How do I put up with this abuse without killing myself?

My mom emotionally abuses me, she has guilt tripped me and made me feel like shit. I have on many occasions thought of accepting the marriage because she has drilled into my head that I will regret my choices and that Allah will burn me. She keeps making these negative duas to Allah about me.. Like "May allah curse you, may allah give you bad luck, may you suffer in this dunya and hereafter, may your kids hurt you the way you're hurting me" I am so scared because I know that allah will accept her dua cause she is my mom. This has made me so angry that it feels better when my mom gives me the silent treatment. If we're not talking, my day is better. I want to make her happy but our relationship is so bad, I love her even though she hurts me. I long for her hug, for her support, but that will never happen since I am the complete opposite of what she wants. My dad is getting angrier by the day at me and has on many occasions and very recently threatened to hit me, but my mom stops him from doing so even though she instigates!

People have suggested that I pick up on hobbies and I have tried to get my mind off of things but they wont let me go out. I collected money to buy a car, and they wont even let me buy it because they just want to control me. I applied to two jobs that are very professional and islamically acceptable but they wouldn't let me go, and I got hired too but they made me quit because "it was too far" (15 minutes away from home) and I suggested buying my car but they still wouldn't let me. I started going to the gym two months ago because my doctor suggested it, and It felt good! I felt like I had a purpose, and I had something to look forward to 4-5x a week. I even started taking my mom with me but then a month later, my mom and dad made me stop because I needed the car to get there (they wont drop me off because they are lazy and they wont let me take public transportation) I am literally home 24/7, not allowed to go out because I can only take fall and winter classes. They won't even let me go to Islamic lectures. So I am going crazy, the point of getting the job was to occupy myself and to stop thinking but.. I cant even do that. I am stuck in between four walls everyday and I feel like I am useless, worthless, damned to hell, and stupid. I am sad, I am so sad. I am damaged, I am slowly dying. I feel guilty, I feel bad, I feel wrong.

I pray to Allah.. I hope things change. But I need your advice? I cant involve family in this because my parents cut off all ties. They are only worried about their reputation. They are only culturally religious. Please advise me.. What should I do? What would you do?

Should I leave? Should I kill myself? Should I give in to them? I mentioned in my link that at some point in my life I lost complete touch with Allah. But the person I want to marry dragged me back. He is literally everything good. He is the mother, the father I never had and I hope that he will not be the husband I won't have.

They have stolen my happiness from me and took away my childhood. I feel myself going crazy.. literally. I don't know how much longer I can take. Please advise me.. Please. I don't want to hurt anyone or go to hell. I am running out of time.

Thank you, I will be waiting for all of your replies.


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4 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister, I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this. I pray that Allah SWT makes everything easy for you. In Shaa Allah I hope my advice can bring you some sort of hope.

    Subhan'Allah I think it's just soo selfish that you're parents are stopping you from getting a job/attending Islamic lectures or busying yourself with something else despite all the things they are putting you through. I mean it's already bad enough that they've stopped you from taking you're medicine just for refusing to get married.

    Firstly sister, know that Islam forbids parents forcing their children into marriage! Alhamdulilallah, By the Grace of Allah SWT he has given us the right to accept or refuse a proposal. So no matter how much you're parents want it, if it isn't coming from you, then they do not have any right whatsoever to force you FULL STOP! You're parents should know this. Did you talk to them about it? Did you tell them how big of a sin this is in Islam? and that one day they will both stand before Allah SWT on the day of judgement and have to answer him. If not, then now is the right time sister. it could be that their both ignorant, In Shaa Allah try educating them on this part. If you feel like they won't listen to you then you maybe contact you're local imam or a trusted shaykh for them to address you're parents properly.

    BTW yes I heard that Allah SWT accepts a mothers duaa but if she curses her child unjustly and for no good reason then it is not accepted. So if you haven't done anything soo bad for your mom to curse you then, rest assured that Allah SWT is the most just and that in Shaa Allah you're mother cursing you will not affect you're life . It is advised that mother should not curse her child so in Shaa Allah try telling you're mom to not curse you.

    Wait i dont understand, was the nikkah done? Or will it be on January 2017?
    Either ways I don't get why he would want to get into this marriage knowing that you are not interested in him. Subhan'Allah!
    Sister dont allow it to happen and don't give up! That's all I can say tbh, don't let him rob your life because accepting this proposal for you're parents sake or because you feel hopless atm will only make the situation more messier and you will never be happy.

    Let's just say for example, you accepted to get married to him and a few months or year down the road he doesnt treat you well or he decides that this marriage won't work out..the only solution for the both of you is divorce: How bad do you think you're situation will be? Will you're parents support you or be happy about it? What about you're friends? I suppose not? ( Allah SWT knows best though)
    ..instead they'll blame you for accepting the proposal and getting married in the first place. (this is just an example I put forth just so you could think through this well - I've heard of many similar cases) Allah SWT knows best. All I know is (from the Islamic perspective) * correct me if I'm wrong* that as long as you don't accept this proposal and sign the marriage contract then this marriage will be invalid.

    • Anyways I think that it's time for you to think about yourself and you're future. Stand up for yourself and don't let anyone control you - it maybe be hard at first but honestly if you don't then who will? Put you're trust in Allah SWT and go speak to you're parents openly that you are not interested in him and of course in a respectful and convincing way. Keep bringing it up to them about how you're not interested and ask them that how they would feel knowing that they've married their daughter off to someone she's not happy with..? Do whatever you can to convince them. Just don't give up!
      If you have any friends whom you could talk to then do so. Talk it out to someone that you could trust, because keeping all of this in will only bring you more depression and sadness. Don't let all of this stress, anger..ect build up inside of you as this will harm you're mental health. You mentioned that you're uncle and father have both been abusive towards you, If you're mom/family are not doing anything to stop this then YOU should. so if by any chance it is possible for you to move out and rent an apartment/temporarily live with a friend then do so as I see there is no good in living in a house( you are supposed to feel safe,happy..ect) where instead you're constantly being put down. think about your health both mentally and emotionally, they should come first.

      And please whatever happens don't ever think that taking you're life is the only option left! Subhan'Allah don't allow shaytaan to fool you, Seek refuge in Allah from the accursed devil. And know that Allah SWT is testing you and that He SWT does not burden a soul beyond what they are capable of. So please dear sister make duaa, yes lots and lots of dua because at the end only Allah SWT has the power to answer you and get you through this. Beg Allah SWT for strength during this difficult time. Remember after hardship comes ease. keep you're head up high and always remember that Allah SWT is with those who are patient.

      I'm sooo sorry for this long post.

  2. Whatever you do , do not marry this man. Find help with an imam to escape. Find a social worker to help you.

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