Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Help us, forced marriage has kept us apart

Assalam Alaikum,

I am deeply in love with one of my cousin's sisters and she loves me too. 3 months back she was forcibly  married against her choice with a guy who she doesn't like. Now she's living a frustrated life. She's not happy at all. I am very worried, I can't see her like this and I am also very sick and still in love with her and she with me too.

We want to live together for a prosperous life but we both are confused. We are thinking that according to religion what possible action could she take to come along with me?

We both are very depressed and looking for a nice religious suggestion.
Please help us.
with regards
Raahil khan

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12 Responses »

  1. Walaikumsalaam Raahil,

    The best time for you and your cousin to take some positive action would have been before your cousin got married. She may have been forced into marrying someone she was not happy with, but since she is married now, it is highly inappropriate and haraam for you both to be discussing a possible a future together.

    You obviously have strong feelings for her, so this is difficult for you. However, you really need to stay away from her and let her deal with her marriage. Given the emotional space and time, she may decide that she wants to work at the marriage. Having you around reminding her of her feelings for you will make things much harder for her and will no doubt cause great fitnah.

    Leave her be and move on Raahil. This is a test for you both, so seek help from Allah(swt) in doing sabr and controlling your emotions.


  2. Having said the above, when you say that your cousin was forced to get married, how was she forced? If your cousin just remained silent and her parents were never made aware that she was unhappy to marry this person, then I do not think this is force. Of course forced marriages are forbidden in Islam but I do not know if what you are referring to actually constitutes force.

    Either way, if someone feels they were forced, it is up to the individual to disclose full details to a qualified Imam who will inshAllah give her the correct advice according to Quran and Sunnah.

    Please note, as I said before, it is not your place to interfere or get involved as you are non mahram to her.


  3. Salaam my brother,

    I am sorry for the heartbreak and desperation that you feel in regards to this woman that you love.

    Regarding forced marriage, it is not allowed in Islam. Allah Almighty said in the Noble Quran: "O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will" (The Noble Quran, 4:19)"

    Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: "A virgin came to the Prophet (pbuh) and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet (pbuh) allowed her to exercise her choice. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2091)"

    Unfortunately our beloved Prophet (pbuh) is no longer with us to intervene and over ride what our parents or families do or say and we are left victim to cultural traditions and abuse like this. The girl must do as Sister Z says and speak to a qualified Imam who can represent Islam in the situation and nullify the wedding contract. If her cultural traditions are strong enough to allow a forced marriage, then there is likely to be a tremendous amount of backlash from the families involved in this marriage - so she needs to prepare mentally for that and be strong in it. Often, whilst we all know our Islam, emotional and familial pressure and bullying can lead people to follow what their parents say in spite of the illegitimacy of it.

    Regarding your own actions in this situation, I agree with Sister Z - you must step out of it and not be involved - she must go through this herself and then when she is a free woman, then you may approach for marriage. With your involvement, her situation only gets worse and worse, and should your name be mentioned in any way shape or form, then you are looking at accusations of adultery, shame on the family, and penalties and punishments for the sister involved. If you are communicating with her and she gets found out, there is no telling what the reaction please be responsible with your actions and be very aware that both society and Allah initiate heavy penalties for such behaviour. Do not get carried away by romantic feelings - you can fall into a big trap and suffer tremendously as a result of it, in this life and in the hereafter, this is my sincere advice to you.

    Regarding your own feelings, please hear what I am about to say to you. This is coming from lust - wanting something to the point of feeling that you will die without it, is lust / addiction. Pursuit of such feelings leads only to temptation and desperation. Desperation then leads us to forget what we stand for in life and do crazy things to get it. Once we have it - the feeling disappears and we are left with the terrible consequences of our actions. In this particular case, you risk awful awful consequences - so please recognise that. The second point here is that you must connect with the reality of the situation which is that you are pursuing a married woman at this point - hold on to your Iman and stop yourself,. Allah will reward you for keeping him in your thoughts instead of thoughts of having this woman.

    InshaAllah if she speaks to an Imam and releases herself from this forced marriage, and becomes a single woman again - she is free to let you know so that you can approach her family for marriage. But these actions must come from her - not from you. It is a natural assumption that one seeking divorce has another in mind, and it won't be long before you are discovered - this much is a guarantee. For you, it is better that you stay away and let her handle her situation -because the long term consequences of breaking up a marriage (no matter how justifiable your reasons are) are massive lack of trust and high jealousy in your future relationship (whether with this woman or another). Unless someone comes to you willingly, separates from her marriage willingly and religiously, and comes to you as a free woman ready for marriage with no input from you: you will suffer emotionally later and trust will be an issue between you.

    My recommendation is that you let her know her rights regarding forced marriage in Islam, tell her that you will marry her if she is single and then stop contact. This is self control exercise that you must do if you want to 1.) not be emotionally damaged in the future and in your future relationships 2.) want to be secure later if you marry her 3.) want to feel the security of genuine and sincere action from your intended and 4.) if you seek the pleasure of Allah. Its important that you exercise this restraint and self discipline even in your most powerful state of emotion. If you can restrain yourself in this way, and keep good faith then the rewards in this life are that you have peace of mind and peace of heart, and trust and the rewards in the hereafter are the pleasure of Allah.

    My brother, I want you to be an emotionally healthy, in-control good Muslim brother who uses righteousness and Islam to defeat the bad and win the good. Do not sink to the depths of emotionally driven bad actions, and transgress every boundary in desperation. The straight path does not fail us, and inshaAllah I hope and pray you take this advice and feel the many long and short term rewards of it.



  4. thats not the answer tho to raahil question..and please sisterz dnt take it too heart but i think the answers you gave are harsh.

  5. Dear Raaki,

    I do not think my answers are harsh. I think they are to the point.

    Raahil may have feelings for this girl, but the fact is is that she is married to someone else now. As Leyla said, the only thing he should do if anything is inform his cousin that she should speak to an Imaam regarding the circumstances of her nikah to ascertain whether force was used or not. Once that is established, she can discuss with the Imaam about what options she has available to her.

    If we encourage Raahil to follow and nuture his emotions for this girl, it is very possible that they may cross the lines and fitnah can easily occur.

    The truth is not always what we want to hear Raaki.


  6. SisterZ's answers are honest and to the point, and Leyla's response is an accurate and brilliant analysis of the situation.

    Of course we could give the questioner a pleasing lie. We could say, "Don't worry, just keep up what you are doing and it will work out, love will conquer all." But that would not be honest and so it would not help the situation. It would only make things worse. What people need is real, honest advice, not placating lies.

    About forced marriage, of course it is prohibited in Islam, but most of the time, what people call "forced" marriage is not forced at all, but a case of a young person giving in to pressure from the family, and going along with it to avoid making waves. If the sister's marriage was truly forced she can take her case to the judge and have the marriage annulled, or she can file for divorce.

    The woman is married. She is someone else's wife. Stay out of her life or you will certainly bring disaster down on her head.

    You can't always have what you desire in this life. Accept that and move on.

    Wael Editor

  7. k,sorry i jus felt the way it was xplaint to raahil was a bit harsh and not warmly said.

  8. Raaki,

    No need to apologise, you did nothing wrong in expressing your thoughts. All opinions and insights are valuable when they are conveyed with respect and honesty.

    Afterall we are all on this site to help each other right?

    SisterZ :O)

  9. assalam o alaikom,
    dear brothers and sisters i love a girl and she love me.v were with eacth other from 4 years and now want to marry. but her father is inforcing her to marry an old man because he is a doctor.she is weping from 1 month.his father told her that he will divorced her mother if she refused to marry. now she is going to marry him and succrifice my and her love. she loves me crazily. what i do plz help me she also stop me from doing something for her.

  10. Love is love. You feel for each other & nothing can deny that. You will always be together at heart. It's ridiculous to say, 'oh now age is married' so let her be married. What does married mean to you people? You obviously have never experienced the pressures of forced marriage. She probably gave in to stop the fighting. She probably has nothing & doesn't want to burden her true love. Unless you have truly experienced this situation, you have NO clue what it is like. Please give some real life examples of real forced marriages where you know for a fact & have verified in confidence that both parties in the marriage are REALLY happy & dont feel cheated or long for something else. You are heartless & have no appreciation for true love. I agree the girl must deal with this. But until you are in her shoes you have NO idea. She loves her family. She probably feels helpless & confused. She probably went this route to avoid severe consequences. Dont forced people to stay in forced marriages where they will have to forced themselves to make the best of it. How sad & pathetic. What is accomplished by that? Life is short. We only have one chance in life. And you say it's just lust? What makes you the authority on that? Just curious. What references is your biased opinion based on? Heartache sucks. You can't always control the way you feel abouy someone. But you probably would never understand. Have you ever seen those couples that were arranged where the guy walks at least 10 steps in front of the wife who looks homely & miserable. I would rather be in 'lust' than in misery. Give the whole marriage thing a rest & consider what you say to people. Don't be so cold & heartless.

  11. Choice1 - you spoke my mind! I was in love with someone who was forced to marry by his family and now both he and his wife are miserable. He has stopped going out, doesnt talk to anyone and has turned into a ghost. As much as I am devastated about what happened with us, it hurts me no end when I see what he is going through. You are right in saying that we cannot control how we feel about someone - both he and I are miserable and it shows.

    His wife is clueless about what happened and comes from a very closed background- men in her family are aloof and indifferent and so she doesnt perceive what he is feeling. Although I cannot change the situation - I agree that it is cruel to tell people to make it work. This is not like some machine where you fix the broken part and it works again- this is someone's heart and soul. Nothing hurts like heartbreak and there is a reason people never forget that one person.
    People tolerate their circumstances as they see no way out and pull along - this is what we both are doing now and despite our efforts , it is evident to everyone who knew us that we are deeply distressed and have lost interest in life.

    I cannot change my circumstances now but I do request all the men and women on this site to realize that compatibility and affection cannot be substituted- they happen only with the right people and it is necessary to recognize and nurture those relationships for life. Dont give in under pressure- everyone else will rejoice at your wedding but you will be subject to a lifetime of misery and depression. You may have to fight your families and society but they will talk about you only till the next story comes along then you are history. You however have to live till your time comes and will grieve each day that you suffer this way. We all live once and it is important to live well and love truly. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise- you are the best judge of what is needed to make you happy and live a fulfilling life. Selecting a life partner is a big piece of this and once you are convinced the person is right then you should hold to your guns- make a careful deliberate evaluation and if there is mutual respect, affection and compatibility in morals,values, attraction, emotional support then it is the right choice.

  12. Words of wisdom- Choice1 you hit the nail on the head! It is hard to find someone with whom we have a high degree of compatibility and once you get that nothing compares. Despite the fact that some of these relationships make it to the altar and some don't- it doesnt mean people pick up and move on from there. I personally have seen marriages where the rest of the world thinks its great- but the inside story is that one or both of the couple are going through the motions to keep up with the sham.

    How is this healthy for anyone? Marriage is to be a union of the mind and the heart and this is necessary for it to succeed- just identifying religion, family ties etc as a criteria and forcing it down someone's throat does not make it successful.
    Yes people continue to be in these sad relationships and hope it works out- but tolerance is not a substitute for true passion, empathy and affection. Imagine the agony of living a lifetime this way- it must be the worst form of torture inflicted on somebody and to be a parent and do this to your child is inexcusable. This is like slow poison- the individual dies a little more each day and apathy becomes the norm. Life is precious and we need to realize and value this- it is important to share your moments with the right person who values them as much as you do.
    To everyone sitting on the fence regarding relationships- think through the long-term and the answers will be crystal clear. Do not look at the immediate fix for the solution as your families and friends will go back to their lives after the wedding hoopla dies down , but you will have to live each day and the pain will grow as long as you vegetate this way.

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