Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Forced marriage – please help!

Forced Marriage and Islam

Forced Marriage and Islam

Assalam O Alaekum! Hope you all are doing great.
first of all sorry for grammatical mistakes as English is not my native language.

I belong to an Indian Muslim family, now living in UK. In India there is a practice in some families that they get their kids engage after few days of their birth. So I got engaged to my cousin (my father’s sister’s son)  when I was only two or three days old.

When I got younger I came to know that I was engaged to him. This made me feel disturbed that why my parents decided my future and not even asked from me about it. But I remained silent and tried to be a good daughter who obeys and values her parents’ decisions.

My family moved to UK because father got a good job here. Then my cousin/fiancé came to live in our house because he also got a job here, through my father.

As I was his fiancé so he thought that I was his property and he has all rights on me. He often tried to talk to me when I am alone, tried to touch me etc…

I asked mother not to let him live with me in the same house, I am not safe with him but mother was afraid of my father and she said that father will get angry if we will say anything wrong about his sister’s son. I compromised with situation. And finally he crossed limits one day, and did everything that is forbidden in Islam. I cried a lot, he made this a routine, but I was unable to tell anyone. After some years our parents did our Nikkah (not departure/rukhsati yet). i was expecting that after nikkah he will love me as he loved me before nikkah and now I will have no problem if he touches me or talk to me when I’m alone etc. But everything got changed. After Nikkah he got involved in other girls and ignored me completely. He went out with girls every night, had wrong relationship with them. He Has sexual relationship with a friend’s sister, with  a girl in our neighbor, with our maid. Me and my family have so many clues about his sexual relationships. He is also involved in use of some sort of drugs.

Again I asked my parents I don’t want to spend rest of my life with him, but parents never listen to me and always used to say that “he will become a good person after marriage”. And now they are arranging our marriage soon. What should I do now? I do not want to do anything against my parent’s will and never did it. But now I am completely dead, I cannot bear him anymore. When I think about marrying him my heartbeat stops for a while. I am very much afraid of him because of what he did to me(I can say it was zina because he did it before Nikah) at very young age.  I want Divorce but parents will literally kill me if I would say this in front of them.

Should I marry this guy just because of my parents will even if I hate him so much?  Is this not my right to choose a pious spouse rather than waiting for this guy to change after marriage?  Don’t I have right to reject a proposal or asking for divorce in this situation?

Tell me some solution to this problem in accordance to Islam.
Allah Bless us all.

regards

fakesmile

 

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4 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    Forced marriage has no place in Islam. What your parents and cousin are doing is wrong - and is actually illegal in the UK. Things don't have to be this way, though; there are options open to you. And remember that you are not alone. Allah is watching over you, and your brothers and sisters in Islam all love you for His sake.

    The first thing to do is to consider whether you are safe. If you genuinely believe that your parents would kill you for ending a forced marriage, then you need to get yourself somewhere safe as the first step to getting out of this.

    Don't do this alone. There are charitable organisations that help girls and women in your situation - such as http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk (the charity whose image is at the top of the page).

    There are also legal protections provided by the UK government, which you could read about at http://www.gov.uk/stop-forced-marriage (the website has contact numbers available for you to call 24 hours a day).

    These organisations can help get you out of this situation and help protect you afterwards.

    Make sure that when you are looking at these websites or speaking with these people, that you are in a safe place and that your family will not be able to tell you have visited them. So, for example, if you have a job or attend school/college, you could access them there. I'd recommend avoiding using a home phone or home computer, as this could be accessed by other people in the home. If you are using a mobile phone or personal laptop, make sure it's password-protected.

    Islamically, a woman has the right to choose whether or not she wishes to marry someone. And, if a woman has been forced into a marriage, she has the right to leave that marriage. Some people talk about family honour being such an important thing - I'd ask them to explain to me: Where is the honour in forcing someone into an unwanted and abusive marriage, and in threatening or actually harming them if they try to say no?

    You don't have to stay in this situation, sister. I pray that Allah helps you find safety and peace.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  2. fakesmile:

    I know you are terrified, and you think you have no resources. But if you want to get out of this situation, you need to consider yourself an abused prisoner, and not an indian girl respecting her parents. I say this, because being a sexually abused and scared prisoner and victim is exactly how the authorities in the UK will see you, and you have resources open to you to get out of your situation.

    What I would suggest without telling anyone, and without bringing anyone with you but go by yourself, is contact and go see someone at the forced marriage unit in the UK:

    https://www.gov.uk/forced-marriage - a government website in the UK specifically for the victims of forced marriage.

    Make sure they know about your sexual abuse, and be prepared to say you don't want to go back home, make sure these people know that your life and your health is in danger. Your goal should be to seek refuge with this organization and ultimately stay in the UK and transition yourself to a safer life. I take it literally when you say your parents would kill you, this is not completely uncommon in India for a parent or older sibling to hurt or murder children or younger siblings out of issues of honour or disobedience.

    What your parents are doing to you is wrong, it is abuse, and you do have help here. Just make sure they do not take you back to India or your resources will be gone.

    Best of luck my dear
    Moose

  3. Salam Sister,

    Now gather your courage and make the decision quick. You don't want to be sorry for the rest of your life or struggle for the rest of your life. Your parents are not doing for the best of your interest and they are not doing it according to Islam. They are completely ignorant. (I'm sorry) They should not have put your cousin to live with you in the first place and they DID NOTHING after your complained about his inappropriate behavior. AND after they know that he goes out and fools around with girls. DO YOU think they are doing something good for your future or they will stop the marriage happening even though they know all the bad things he did /is doing?

    Gather your courage and follow what Midnightmoon has suggested. Don't hesitate, you have no time to waste and be careful, If you are safe, let us know. Take care.

  4. I am not any islamic Scholar but i can say from my personal experience that do speak out, have some courage and say no to marraige. I was in same situation 2 years ago but i dint had enough courage and got married. Married life with someone unwanted is very hard trust me So plz do speak. Making your parents angry now is much better than living in unwanted marriage. U gonna regrer later.

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