Forced Marriage
Question:
Assalaam,
To cut a long story short, I was emotionally blackmailed into marrying my cousin in 1998.
Then I was told that everything will be ok and I should give it a go which I did till 2003. I spent the first 5 years begging my parents and crying to my parents as this is not what I wanted, that there was no love or care in the marriage but I was constantly told it would be ok and always made me to be the bad person in the whole relationship.
My so called wife and my parents all believe in doing things that look good in society which I disagree on. Anyway, after five years I decided to move out and divorce. In the meantime I met someone else which I know is wrong but isn’t left to much choice with the rulings in Islam. I fought to get divorced for another six years with no luck. My parents my brothers all took her side and did not want to acknowledge any paperwork that was submitted. She would not leave. I tried everything. My father ordered my younger brothers to beat me and force me back with her which did not work the first time. My relationship with the other woman fell apart because I could not marry her without divorcing my wife. Since then I have taken a beating several times from my brothers and I am not allowed to do anything. I have been forced to live with her again.
We don’t talk. There’s no sex no nothing but everybody else thinks were happy which makes my mom happy. My brother has divorced with my mom’s blessing and has married who he chose and the other brothers have all been in relationships with the blessing of my mother and are soon to marry. I have a disabled brother as well who needs constant looking after. My mother is using my wife so she can look after her when needed, whilst the rest of the family gets on with what they are doing.
I have a son of 9 which my wife told my mother that I was not sleeping with her in 2000 and my mum came to bed room and fought with me constantly to get her pregnant which out of anger and disgust I did. They have since then used my son to blackmail me to threatening to take him away and kill him.
Whilst I was away for six years I started my own business which has been ruined by my family - they won’t even let me continue or try to do anything work wise as they don’t want me stand on my two feet again. I have so much hate for them all. My father has passed away recently and all I can pray for is bad dua as I can’t forgive him.
I’ve been reading up on Islam – we’re all supposed to listen to our parents and heaven is at their feet. Mine have put me in hell on earth I feel I am trapped in a living grave and punished on earth by these people whom seem to be above God.
Can someone please help, Islamically put me in the right direction and get me out of my living grave. Even when I close my eyes at night I just see the grave. I am alone yet married how I don’t know. I am Lost I do all sorts of duas that I can find all day long but nothing is working. I only see death as the way out but then I will get punished forever for committing suicide. Islamic rulings can’t move please help.
- ranjha90
Leyla's Answer:
Salaam my brother,
I am sorry for the pain that you have experienced in your life and continue to experience in your life.
In Islam, you are permitted to leave an unhappy marriage situation. First, the parents get involved, and then if there can be no peace between you, then you are free to leave. That is what Allah has said to us - that is Islam.
There is no where in the Quran where it says to force your sons to stay in marriages, and beat them and leave them in a sexless, loveless marriage. In fact, if you have not had sex for a number of months - that alone is grounds for divorce. So Islamically, the conditions for divorce have all been fulfilled and it is not religion that is responsible for this situation, although perhaps religion is being used in an attempt to control you. This is despite there being no compulsion in the religion.
I can see that this has affected you very badly on many levels and that you are in a conflict as to what is the correct action. Unfortunately, the correct action is only apparent when everybody is following the same rules and it sounds as though your entire family is breaking rules on a daily basis and using force to bring about what they desire rather than acting the long term best interests of their deen and their lives.
It is true that we are supposed to treat our parents well, but treating people well and obeying people are different things. Obedience is to Allah first, and respect is to everybody (including parents). What that means is that you are free to follow your life, your path and make your decisions and you can be respectful to your parents at the same time. Respect and obedience are not the same thing, and we can respectfully disagree with our parents, and we can respectfully hold our ground and stick by what we know is best, we can refuse to shout at them or enter into a fight with them and still follow our lives. There is no obligation upon you to obey a human being no matter who they are.
Your family are behaving as tyrants in your life, and Islam does not approve of tyrants, our Prophet (pbuh) said that real jihad is to speak the truth in the face of a tyrant and the truth in your situation is that this marriage is not fulfilling the Islamic requirements of increasing you in faith, bringing peace and tranquillity to your heart so that you may reside in peace together.
My advice to you is that you make a very logical and rational get-out plan that will get you out of this situation in safety and without harm. A good plan is likely to take time, 3-6 months of activity is usually required so that you can plan everything and set everything into motion. Your plan needs to encompass many elements such as behaving in a manner that portrays trustworthiness and responsibility, behaving in a kind and understand way, it involves planning where you will go to live, what your communications will be in the follow up period, how you will manage the inevitable backlash from your family and how you will hold yourself together emotionally through the whole thing and maintain your way-of-being to be steady, stable, sure and respectful all at the same time.
You must make sure you have a support network around you that will hold you together as you go through and brother, you must keep the faith for the whole time and remember that after hardship comes ease. Its one big struggle that you will experience, but if you can uphold your loyalty to the tenets of respect, responsibility, peace and strength then you will inshaAllah get out of there safe and secure and get on with your life.
Be prepared, be steady, be stable and see a counsellor to prevent total emotional breakdown during this time.
Once you have left , maybe 2-3 months after, and as long as you are stable, assured, healthy and happy you may then approach your family for talks of mending your relationships with your parents.
Peace,
Leyla
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Salaam my brother,
I am sorry for the pain that you have experienced in your life and continue to experience in your life.
In Islam, you are permitted to leave an unhappy marriage situation. First, the parents get involved, and then if there can be no peace between you, then you are free to leave. That is what Allah has said to us - that is Islam.
There is no where in the Quran where it says to force your sons to stay in marriages, and beat them and leave them in a sexless, loveless marriage. In fact, if you have not had sex for a number of months - that alone is grounds for divorce. So Islamically, the conditions for divorce have all been fulfilled and it is not religion that is responsible for this situation, although perhaps religion is being used in an attempt to control you. This is despite there being no compulsion in the religion.
I can see that this has affected you very badly on many levels and that you are in a conflict as to what is the correct action. Unfortunately, the correct action is only apparent when everybody is following the same rules and it sounds as though your entire family is breaking rules on a daily basis and using force to bring about what they desire rather than acting the long term best interests of their deen and their lives.
It is true that we are supposed to treat our parents well, but treating people well and obeying people are different things. Obedience is to Allah first, and respect is to everybody (including parents). What that means is that you are free to follow your life, your path and make your decisions and you can be respectful to your parents at the same time. Respect and obedience are not the same thing, and we can respectfully disagree with our parents, and we can respectfully hold our ground and stick by what we know is best, we can refuse to shout at them or enter into a fight with them and still follow our lives. There is no obligation upon you to obey a human being no matter who they are. Your family are behaving as tyrants in your life, and Islam does not approve of tyrants, our Prophet (pbuh) said that real jihad is to speak the truth in the face of a tyrant and the truth in your situation is that this marriage is not fulfilling the Islamic requirements of increasing you in faith, bringing peace and tranquillity to your heart so that you may reside in peace together.
My advice to you is that you make a very logical and rational get-out plan that will get you out of this situation in safety and without harm. A good plan is likely to take time, 3-6 months of activity is usually required so that you can plan everything and set everything into motion. Your plan needs to encompass many elements such as behaving in a manner that portrays trustworthiness and responsibility, behaving in a kind and understand way, it involves planning where you will go to live, what your communications will be in the follow up period, how you will manage the inevitable backlash from your family and how you will hold yourself together emotionally through the whole thing and maintain your way-of-being to be steady, stable, sure and respectful all at the same time. You must make sure you have a support network around you that will hold you together as you go through and brother, you must keep the faith for the whole time and remember that after hardship comes ease. Its one big struggle that you will experience, but if you can uphold your loyalty to the tenets of respect, responsibility, peace and strength then you will inshaAllah get out of there safe and secure and get on with your life.
Be prepared, be steady, be stable and see a counsellor to prevent total emotional breakdown during this time.
Once you have left , maybe 2-3 months after, and as long as you are stable, assured, healthy and happy you may then approach your family for talks of mending your relationships with your parents.
Peace,
L
Salaam, the above email explains a lot. Just another example from the life of prophet (peace be Upon Him) that his adopted son Zaid (peace be upon him) was married to the cousin of Prophet (peace be Upon Him) named Zainab (peace be Upon Him) but they were not happy together. The jist of the story is that through Prophet (peace be Upon Him) with the permission of Allah, Zaid and Zayniab were allowed to divorce as they did not find themselves attractive towards each other. This is just one stroy, its clear from Quran and sunnah that you don't have to be in such a marriage which is leading you to commit sin such as having a relationship outside marriage.
So get a local scholar involved, may be someone from the Central mosque or someone who has a strong say and can justify your side with respect to Islam infront of your family. Surely the words of Allah are greater than the cultural show off. You have strong grounds islamicaly, just stick to ISlam and InshAllah you will be fine.
Another thing I forgot to mention is that one should not only take advantage of Islam just to solve their worldly problems but also implement islam in your life. If you practice Islam with in its correct way you will ultimately gain respect and will have a good status and strong say InshAllah.
First of all you should get one thing straight. Forced marriage has got nothing to do with islam.
so do not look at your problems as a religious issue and also stop seeking solutions from religion because you are not going to find any.
Instead look at your life from possitive angle. Life can not be as bleak as you have portrayed in your message. So start enjoying what you have. The most beautiful thing that you have right now is that you are ALIVE.
You can not change the past but you have all the means of changing your future.
Your father has gone surely but have you thought of about your son growing up one day.
If you divorce what is going to happen to him. He might end up as you did if you leave him behind with your backword and ignorant family.
So i suggest you come up to some sort of an open agreement with your wife, where you have all the freedom to live the life you want outside the family home and she has the freedom inside.
A friend once told me about this saying:-
If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them..Then Beat Them!
You can be a good life partner and a good father at the same time.
and not just once...............
Assalaumualaikum,
@shah jehan,
most muslims look for the solution in their religion as per the right verdict...coz islam have answers for all... that why the brother is asking. he wants to be in the right path islamically..because above all, we must please ALLAH first, before anybody else..even we sometimes have to sacrifice our own personal choice if it will be against our religion. because we are living in this world and how we lived here is where we will go in the hereafter.
masalam
ASSALAM
@shah jehan,
Thank you for your comment but what your hinting at I am not interested in (You can be a good life partner and a good father at the same time. and not just once...............). with regards with not seeking a solution from religion is sort of weird comment to make as we turn to allah for all our dua's in the time of need and when not. Good job that I have faith in my relgion or comments like that could put people of Islam. @Fatima has actually understood the problem what ever steps i need to take I would prefer to do it in accordance to Islam and the help of Allah. The fact that I dont have deep knowledge of Islam thats why I have come on here to ask advice from fellow muslim and brothers who would direct me in the right direction. Im a great believer in advice as there might be people out there that have been through what I have been or going through. Advice about if you cant beat them join them and then beat them sounds very good in the western world but as a muslim I have to answer for all my actions on my own to Allah. Like I child he needs to ask how to read salah its not automatic that you know what to do.
Assalamualaikum,
@ ranjha09,
Alhamdullillah...and thanks for accepting my opinion..i fully understand and i am aware of your situation... coz i may not be in the same boat...but my husband, he is..he married me without his family knowing and now they are forcing him to marry a girl that is creating a big confusion on his mind..i cannot elaborate anymore... but Alhamdullillah because this website helped me lot especially Sister Z who keeps on telling me more about Islam.. and keeps me going strong day by day..I am a convert..Alhamdullillah..
There is no impossible with Allah (SWT) but we must first work on ourself...on how to develop our eeman more..we must think that on every decision we will make,,we MUST make sure that it must please Allah first than anybody else..we MUST remember that everything we do,,every words we will say,,every actions we will do,,,it must be for the sake of ALLAH...and the rest will follow...
As per opinion, make tauba on evrything you've done wrong in the past..and be the model to the people around you...let them see how and what Islam in you,,,and Inshaallah even your family ..by Allah's mercy,,, will open their eyes to what we must believe in... because even people who were born muslims doesn't even know what their religion is...
Know you're religion deeply and practice it...and everything will be easy for you Inshaallah..
ma salam
Salaam to all
It is tru Islam has nothing to do with Forced or even Arranged Marriages. I am a Master student studying Law and I am currently doing my dissertation of Forced Marriages. After researching thoroughly its not Islam which is the cause cus no where in the quran or hadith does it say forced marriages are acceptable, convinced or practiced. Its the families who are bound by tradition and culture. in many cases caste. getting married outside the family is not a crime and neither is it punishable in Islam but I do admit good couples with the full intention of marrying who inform their families are role models in todays society. out of all relations marrying your cusin is something still increasingly practiced today. It is a disgrace and I am totally against it. I do not understand why would family or parnts do dat to their own children. with an arranged marriage its up to the couples if they agree and even if they are cusins dats good for them. I have heard so much about honour killing, suicide etc IT IS WRONG. and do forgive me but I am not only aiming at Muslims because I am a Muslim my self. I am talking about all religions who practice it. You must always respect your prnts but if your family put u through hell just leave everthing to God and walk away. No one is perfect thats includes your parnts too. God forbid I ever experience that. I only have a mum and she does not believe in such disgraceful acts. with thr grace of allah I will be marrying my chosen partner and inshallah hope every other person who is suffering today gods gives them strength and the courage to stand up and fight for life. AFTER ALL THIS LIFE IS A TEST AND THOSE WHO PASS IT INSHALLAH WILL GAIN NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS.
hanna, I hope you don't write words like cus, dat and prnts in your disseration.
Anyway you are understating the case. Not only is forced marriage not a part of Islam, it is specifically prohibited in Islam.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salaam hanna,
i am currently studying forced mariage and i would really appreciate it if i can read your work that you have done. Please email back if it is possible.
jzk Allah