Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Forced to get engaged to cousin

Forced marriage hadith

Forced marriage is prohibited in Islam

Hi almost 2 years ago I was engaged to my cousin who is older than me and who I barely seen or knew about before the engagement.  3 days before that day, I was pressured by my mother and the guys mother to say yes.  I was raised in non Muslim country and still young at the time , I did not realize how much it would affect my life and took the engagement as one of the small life time event and thought everything will remain normal and just get married years later. But on the engagement day, reality slapped me. Things went downhill from then on. I told my mom I would not talk to him on the phone but a week passed I was forced me to talk to him. The moment I heard his voice I was filled with mixed negative emotions, fear, panic and disgusted. The phone calls continued every single day, but I barely talked. It was a torture. I did not want to go back home from school. I was very scared and horrified. I go home my mom would talk nothing but about the fiancé and how I should honor and respect him, because he loved me very much. I hated my mother so much, I could not even stand being near my mother or family. Every time I would argue with her and end up being abused. My family would not treat me right for hurting my mom, I did not laugh anymore, or talk to my family and locked myself in my dark room feeling depressed, scared, miserable and suicidal. This continued for half a year and I started to think to myself that maybe this is my fate and that I should not blame or disrespect my mother and let her go through hard time. I started to apologize her and decided to endure these feelings and live with it. I would act normal in front of my fiancé but he would get mad and angry day after day when I just can't force my self to talk or show him some affection. But I would obey everything he says and satisfy his needs even though I feel dirty and hate to touch or even see him.  After almost 2 years, his behavior, controlling, and verbal abusive got worse. The happy and free life I once had is all gone. Everyday I'm wishing the engagement would break and live the life as I want.




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5 Responses »

  1. OP: But I would obey everything he says and satisfy his needs even though I feel dirty and hate to touch or even see him. After almost 2 years, his behavior, controlling, and verbal abusive got worse

    Parents should try to get the best match for their children rather then marry them to a cousin to get him/her a citizenship in some foreign country.

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    Unfortunately, based on what you have described, I only see two options for you:

    1) Continue with the engagement in which your parents are more interested in your fiancee's happiness than yours. On top of that they are promoting you talking to a non-mehram as he isn't your husband and it seems that there is some sexual talk between the both of you? You mentioned satisfying his needs. If this is the case, continuing this relationship in this fashion is against our Deen. In this case, you are miserable, your elders are happy, and your fiancee is not happy as he appears to be abusive.

    2) Discontinue the engagement come what may. Your parents will be angry, but they are wrong in forcing you to talk to your fiancé everyday...and your abusive fiancé isn't going to change, probably ever--nor do you need to wait around for when and if it may happen.

    I suggest that you break the engagement and put your foot down now. Nothing about this sounds appropriate--it sounds like a typical cultural marriage in which the family's honour is above everything and the girl's happiness is at the bottom of the list. It isn't going to get better. You are miserable now and you may even be miserable after breaking the engagement due to your family--but at least in the latter case, you will not be with a person that is controlling and verbally abusive.

    If you are scared of the consequences, speak to a Muslim counsellor from school and seek professional help. It is better to struggle now than to go through the motions of marriage, end up in an abusive relationship with a child and no where to go--get out now.

    May Allah swt help you to find a way to happiness, Ameen.

  3. stop talking to him, tell him you dont like him and you break this engagement, talk to his parents by yourself let them know.
    tell them there is no reason it was a forced engagement and i never like him as a life partner, i feel dirty tel them the truth that your family is pressurizing you

  4. assalam o alaikum. im 25 years old. i love a girl for more then 6 years now i really want to get married to her she's really good infact my parents have met her and her family too and they also liked her but now when i told them that i want to marry her they said they do not want me to marry her. my mother's side has a very strong impact on our family. her family wants me to marry my cousin which i dont want. they all know about that girl even my cousin and her family knows about her but still they want me to marry my cousin.
    i talked to my father a million times and gave him every possible clarification but still they all want me to marry my cousin and my mother said if i will not marry her she will disown me
    there is no issue to that girl's parents they are waiting for my proposal but my parents are too stubborn to accept her
    i cannot spoil 2 lives i really want to marry that girl please i need help i cannot marry my cousin i cannot leave my parents and that girl


    Every time my fist clenched and my heart ached when I see posts about forced marriage. The two possible scenarios are outlined in front of you by sister Saba . I know it is easier to say than to do. It is your life, you can take control of it. Tell your mom you love her and respect her but the forced marriage leading you to a possible abused relationship and unhappy life is wrong, very wrong. Say no to her. You are not hurting her, you are HURTING yourself. Don't be weak when your mother try to play the blame and self-pity game. This is a selfish act of her doing to her children. Don't put guilt on your shoulder. You do nothing wrong by say NO. Allah knows, you may set up a good example in your family and your community by saying NO to these ignorant practice.

    Your cousin is abusing you now and touching you now even though you are not a couple. Ask your mom if she really cares about your future, will she allows this to happen to you?

    If you are in UK, you may go to the authority to seek help if after all the methods exhausted. No one should be forced into a unwilling marriage proposal.

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