Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Forced to give up marrying the person I want.

Out of ideas

Assalamaualaikum brothers and sisters,

I am 27 years old and in love with my school friend for ten years now. I have recently completed by MPhil degree and now working in a school. This guy, whom i like, is still studying on the other hand. The reason being his choice of field (MBBS) that his parents forced him to take. He is a bright student (scored 7As out of 8 subjects in Olevels) but ever since he started his medical studies he is lacking behind in studies. He failed in the first three years consecutively and repeated them, due to which he is still in his 4th year of MBBS. Just because he is still studying and does not have a job my father has refused to let me marry this guy even though his parents have agreed. My father is worried about my age and that it would be really late by the time he completes his studies.

My father is a religious person and the reasons he give against this marriage like my age and he having no degree or job are valid but are they enough to make me marry someone I dont like and end up in an unhappy marriage? This guy, whom i like is also very religious, prays five times a day, do tabligh and delivers sermons and lectures to bring people close to Islam. Hes also a biggest advocate of females and preaches about the importance of pardah and women in Islam and how they should be treated. He brought me closer to my religion. and I believe that he can create a better religious life and environment for me and for our family after marriage.

My father is unaware of all these qualities of this guy because he never met him. when his parents came to our house with proposal two years back (he forced them to come with a proposal), my father was furious and he beat  me with a thick wooden rod. Hes a short tempered person and would not bear anyone affecting his honor as he says himself that to him nothing is more important than honor. Today, when he talked with his parents again he did not beat me but laid out options in front of me which are as follows. 1) Either marry someone he wants or 2) wait for this guy to finish his studies for as long as i like but then my father wont take any kind of responsibility towards me and i will also have to leave my job immediately and sit at home till he finishes his studies. I am completely shattered. I dont know what to do. I am stuck between doing what i want and live a HAPPY life according to the principles of Islam or make my parents happy and sacrifice myself.

I have broken contact with this guy and I am continuously repenting because i think i have made Allah angry. even though i pray five times a day and i do a lot of zikar. I have also done istikhara about marrying that guy and it was positive. Now, I am extremely confused to decide whether I am wrong in this situation or my father is. I believe we both are right but what can we do about it? Is it necessary that one of us has to give up and theres no 'other' way?? I cannot decide and I have no one to guide or help me. kindly, help me with valid suggestions as I am under severe depression. JazakAllah!




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4 Responses »

  1. If your father is religious as you make him out to be, then why did he reject this brother with unreasonable reasons? Honour and religion doesn't mix well, because these people are usually arrogant and ignorant. And they usually want things to go their way or the high way. They can't reason with anything until they run out of options. And you can see the options that your father gave you , it's so unbalanced that he may as well tell you not to marry him.

    Your father has a very bad view on marriage. Just because you get married doesn't mean his job as a father ends. And just because you get married doesn't mean you need to settle and have kids right away.

    If you really want to get married with this guy then tell him to find a way support you both ( necessarily doesn't have to be both but he should have something in case things go upside down) and then tell him to ask your father in person for your hand.

  2. In a nutshell, go for option 2. It's a huge blessing to find a religious spouse in this day and age. So, my advice would be to wait for him to complete his studies and get married to him. Also, it's your right to marry the love of your life.

    However, I have a question. You tell that your spouse is a religious person and does preaching so he is most likely attached with Tablighi Jamat. My question is if he is really religious, why does he talk to a non-mahram like you? Or why has he been talking to a non-mahram for the past 10 years? It pains me to no ends when I find that religious-looking people (folks who wear beards and don hijabs) are into pre-marital relationships as well. It boggles my mind completely.

    Lastly, if you decide to go for option #2, just make sure that the guy does not slacken and completes his MBBS on time now. As soon as he is done with it, get married and then he can do his house job. So if it is his 7th year in MBBS, I am assuming his parents are financially strong enough. So, as long as he works hard and tries to settle in, both of you can always rely on his parents.

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