Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Fiancee was forced to swear on the Quran to leave me, is it right?

Holy Book, Word of Allah,

Salam,
I have a question regarding to swear on the Quran. I am in a very difficult situation right now and I hope that you can help me (us)
My Fiancee is Muslim and I am christian, which  never caused any problems until now. I will try to tell you the situation:
I live in Europe and my Fiancee lives in Egypt.  As we were very clear about spending our lives together, because we really love each other so much, we decided to live in Europe. But, it is a must that we get married, what we wanted anyway, to live a correct life.

The problem is, that he is still married in Egypt (living separeted from his wife, having 2 children with her, which he loves from deep in his heart), but in Europe it is not allowed to have more than one wife. So he went to his wifes father to ask for the divorce in a decent way. The father said:" if you divorced my daugher then you should leave the flat in Cairo for her, also pay the 55000 LE which we have agreed about it in the case of divorce, and you should pay to her what was stated in the Egyptian law about the payment of a wife and two children every month"

Then I said to him "I will do that, and I will pay her 3000 LE every month" then he said "please let me finish?" so I knew that they are really prepared for that, anyway, I said ok, finish your speaking, and so said "I know M**** that you don't care about that money, but the according to the law you should pay the third of your monthly income, but anyway I know you will pay the money but also know that you care about your children, in case you divorce, she will come here and live with me in the village, and also the children, and so they will not go to that school in Cairo, but they will be here with me, and you should know that, if you divorce, then you will never see them any more, because I will not agree that my grandchildren have a contact with such a bad father like you, and be sure that they will hate you from their deep heart when they will grow up and they will never choose to live with you, I will raise them up in our way, to be good people, you will have no custody of them, and I will never agree about that my granddaughter be raised like Europeans with full clits  and now I am finished with all, but really you should be ashame of what you are going to do, you are leaving a good woman and two children for a European woman walking in the street without a hair cover".

Then her brother said "do you really care about your children? if you really care about them then you will not leave them and stayed in H***** all the time, we know very well from your work colleges that you have a relation with European woman, but we always were thinking that maybe one day you will be a good Muslim and come back to your children and your family, we told you before that it is ok for us that you will marry another woman, but we hoped that you come back to your children and wife after a while, or maybe you do this only to go to Europe, but we will never agree about the divorce"  then her oldest uncle said "M******? be a wise man, if you divorce, it will not pass easy, you will bring a shame to yourself and to your family in the village, and this can hurt all of them even the children"

So this happened beginning of this week. M**** and I where very sad about this situation, so we started thinking how we can solve this problem. We decided that he should stay married, so that there is peace and look for another solution.
The family called him again and wanted to talk to him - he said he will not divorce, so he can also see his children again.

Now comes the part which breaks my heart ... here is the mail from M. writing to me yesterday:

"Hello my love, I have just arrived back, I am sorry because I can not answer your calling and I am more sorry for how I am and what I am loosing, they request one thing from me so everything can be back to normal again, they asked me to stop my relation with you, if I want my children to have their normal life again.
Even my mother and my brother asked me to not go to Europe and cut our relationship. My mother cried so much and kissed my feet,and she said she will give me her curse if I did not stop our relationship and, at the end, I was unable to fight against all that, I feel no energy at all now, the same if I will die or that my soul is taken from me. It is even hard to me to write to you. Iam sorry B****, I must cut our relationship completley, I have given this promise to them, and I have sweared on the Holy Book that I will not have contact with you or see you again. They wanted that I give this swear without I contact you,,, but I said that I will write to you to tell you about stopping, because it is your right.

This swear promise is the hardest thing which someone can do, we call it Rabaa swear, I can not break it at all, but it was necessary to be done, it was the only solution to take my children back to Cairo again.  I am so sorry because I have dissapointed you and dissappointed myself,, I know you will say that I am cowered, but I am really not, I am like the hostage because of my children, I can not let them grow into this strange atmosphere. I  know you will come soon to H****,  I wish from my heart that I can see you, even from faraway, but even this I can not do, ******, I am crying now, because I can not even hear you for the last time, it is the same if I hurt myself, but I know the tears will not fix my problems.

I wished so much to marry you and have you as wife, because you are the best woman I ever met, but it seems it does not meant to be.Please take care and be always proud of who you are, I wish for you all the happiness, and I know for sure that you will find happiness because you deserve it. I will be happy when you are happy even with another man. I so much sorry and regret that I am lossing you, I love you. Goodbye"
My question is, is this swear that he did right? For me it was a swear under pressure, as he loves his children so much, but this is not allowed, right?. It was a choise he had to do. Does Allah want that?
Is there anyone who can relief him from this swear? Can he break it and live with it peacefully?
I want to help my "Fiancee" because I really deeply love him and would like to find a solution for this situation. I believe deeply that we belong together and I don´t want to give up our love just like that. Do I have a chance to fight for this love?
Thank you very much for your patience reading all this.

Best regards
Barbara

PS: We wished so much to have a girl one day and her name would be Yasemin


Tagged as: , , , ,

18 Responses »

  1. salam sister

    This is a very sad situation. I think he cares very much about loyalty to his parents and family and he's been torn apart by women! You need to think very very carefully about this. If he was 100% committed to you he would not have sworn on the Quran- I mean he clearly loves you, but not enough to walk away from his family in Eygpt (which makes sense), so don't you think it might be best all around to finish this off. You cannot help him in this situation, he needs to be a man about it himself.
    You're asking, 'Can he break it and live with it peacefully?' See thats it sister, can he live peacefully with you, can he offer you security with this guilt hanging over him all his life, will this not affect your future together- he'll carry this baggage with him forever!

    With regards to swearing on the Quran Dr. `Abdul-`Azeem Al-Mat`ani, professor at Al-Azhar University, issues the following Fatwa:
    "The majority of Muslim scholars maintain that taking an oath on the Qur'an is not considered an oath unless the one who swears intends that swearing by the Qur'an is tantamount to swearing by the Divine Being (Allah), and he cited his oath according to this very intention.With this in mind, the oath is equal to swearing by Allah Almighty, and the person who swears has to either fulfil his oath or to make Kaffarah or expiation, if he does the thing upon which he swore not to do.
    On the other hand, if the person swears on the Qur’an just with the intention of honoring the Qur'an and no more, then his oath is null and void.
    The opinion which is believed to be the most correct is that the person who swears by the Qur'an is obliged to pay Kaffarah in order to be on the safe side.

    “Allah will not take you to task for that which is unintentional in your oaths, but He will take you to task for the oaths which ye swear in earnest. The expiation thereof is the feeding of ten of the needy with the average of that wherewith ye feed your own folk, or the clothing of them, or the liberation of a slave, and for him who findeth not (the wherewithal to do so) then a three days' fast. This is the expiation of your oaths when ye have sworn; and keep your oaths. Thus Allah expoundeth unto you His revelations in order that ye may give thanks.” (Al-Ma’idah :89)”

    Also from his mail it does seem that he has finished it off with you and wants to move on- maybe you should let go- I'm sorry I know thats easier said that done but will yourself to do this or you could end up with a broken heart again and again.

    I hope it all works out for you. Prayer and patience is the best remedy.

  2. Salaam 2 all

    I think the question is who is this situation sad for more...its more sad for the married sister his wife. The Egyptian man should have never been involved in a relationship with you basically having an extra marital affair. He is to blame for but its good that he has gone back and takes care of his wife and children. You should just move on as well.

    Peace

  3. Salaam Yasemin,

    I am sorry for this heartache that you are feeling as I know it hurts. You seem to have been swept away in a beautiful denial of what is, and now that the inevitable outcome of this relationship has come to pass, you are left with the shock and pain of reality.

    I am not going to go on

    Here are the facts:

    Although this felt like a relationship - this was actually an affair. Getting involved with a married man is allowing him to comitt adultery. Adultery is a grave sin in every world religion. Although Islam allows polygamy - the rules of courtship remain the same and in this situation those rules of courtship were broken.

    If a man seeks a second wife, he must approach her in the correct Islamic manner and conduct himself as a Muslim. The woman in the situation should act wisely and recognise the situation for what it is and resist being swept away by emotion and lose her thinking, and not allow herself to give as a wife gives with no marriage contract in place.

    Taking an oath under force is invalid and there is no blame or fault on a person if they break it.

    There is no such thing as "fiancé" in Islam as far as male female conduct is concerned, there is married and not married, halal and haram.

    With all of these rules of conduct in mind, I can tell you that this relationship was doomed from the beginning because there is no way that a person can break so many important rules and then get a blessed relationship in the end, where all the doors to a union have opened.

    Asides from the intense pain an affair causes to all who experience one, and asides from being completely banned by all world religions there are even more reasons why we should not get involved with married men or women:
    The statistics are that 87% of men who have an affair never leave their wives. No matter how bad a marriage is for the people in it, because in marriage the bond is not just with the wife: two families combine, there are children and there is also Allah who is watching everything. Often, an affair is an act of loneliness or revenge, and the discovery of an affair is usually a shock to the couple who then work at their marriage and fix the problems, or else part. Of the 13% of cheating men that do leave their wives following an affair, only a very small portion end up with the woman they had an affair with. The shock of divorce and the sudden loss of their family unit, and the emotional fallout with the rest of the family is too much and there is a great deal of realisation that this affair was an escape. Of the mistresses and husbands that do get together, there lives within the two of them the constant paranoia that their partner may be cheating on them because of how they met in the first place.

    Having said all of that - where do you go from here?

    I think it is important for you to recognise that love is so powerful that it has the power to edit almost any detail in a persons vision. This makes it beautiful and dangerous at the same time- a blessing and a curse. The way to prevent yourself from experiencing the pain of loss, is to live in line with the rules that are there to protect everyone from this pain, and not invest emotionally in a possibility - but to invest only in outcomes.

    I know you are both in pain, and you have a choice now whether to make that pain last, or make that pain end. The way to make it last is to relentlessly pursue the outcome that you want, and keep torturing all of the parties involved. The way to bring the pain to an end, is to recognise that it is over and go through the grieving process so that you can move forward.

    It is natural for you to not want to let it go, especially after there has been some much investment of time, emotion and energy: but it is important to recognise the end when it comes and let it go in peace.

    Cry, spend time with friends and family, grieve - but then let it go and move on, and seek a relationship with a free and single man, and do not become invested until you are certain that he can give you what you seek.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor,Islamic Answers

    • MashAllah, beautiful response sister Leyla! I never knew that "Taking an oath under force is invalid and there is no blame or fault on a person if they break it."

      I have a quick question for you, maybe you will have the knowledge to answer it. Let's say a person forces someone to take an oath on the Quran regarding their past (that they have repented from) and they take a false oath regarding it out of fear of being ostracized, rejected, or taunted in the future, what is the ruling on that? Will the person taking the false oath be punished by Allah swt?

      I've heard many women under pressure doing this and was often very curious as to how they should over come this situation, especially married women who are forced by their husbands.

      • Salaam helping Sister,

        "Allah will not take you to task for that which is unintentional in your oaths, but He will take you to task for the oaths which ye swear in earnest. The expiation thereof is the feeding of ten of the needy with the average of that wherewith you feed your own folk, or the clothing of them, or the liberation of a slave, and for him who findeth not (the wherewithal to do so) then a three days fast. This is the expiation of your oaths when ye have sworn, and keep your oaths. Thus Allah expoundeth unto you his revelation in order that ye give thanks." (Al-Maidah:89)

        Peace,
        Leyla
        Editor, Islamic Answers

        • JazakAllah for the information sister!

        • If we take oath forcefully what we should do if we does not take by heart only because someone is forcing so what we should do Plzz answer my question

          • Anything you say under compulsion is not valid. However, some people say they are "forced" when they are really not.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • If we say something else during promising but our meaning was different and we have told it in different way so which promise will be said to be valid n what we think or what we say which one will be said to be valid Plzz answer my question..

          • If we say something else during promising but our meaning was different and we have told it in different way so which promise will be said to be valid n what we think or what we say which one will be said to be valid Plzz answer my question..Plzz answer soon

          • Assalaamualaikam

            If you need further advice, then please submit a new post for publication rather than adding further comments here. While we're happy to offer advice, we have a queue of people waiting for their questions to be answered, so it isn't fair on them for us to enter into in-depth discussions here.

            Midnightmoon
            IslamicAnswers.com editor

          • If u are not able to answer the question so why have u made this site we want answers soon to know about it urgently some will have to know the answer more urgent so I have replied here there is no problem you to answer the question here .

  4. Salaams Sister

    I think that you should let go off this man. It would be hard to forget him but I would advise you to do that. He already made his decision that he wants to be with his wife and his family. Under what circumstances was he to take that oath? It was not like someone put a gun to his head and told him to do that. The family reasoned with him and he probably came to his senses. Sister I don't think that this man is good. He was having an illicit relationship with you whilst being married to someone else. He then wanted to leave his wife and be with you? If he wants to do that to his wife what makes you think he won't do that to you someday?

    Sister this man is already commited, he already has kids. Do you want them to grow up without a father? Don't destroy this family.

    If this man wanted to be with you, he would fight for you. He made the decision to be with his family so he feels he is a hostage, is his problem. Sister you deserve better. A man that is honest and chaste.

    Rumaysa

  5. Assalam u alaikum,
    i am sorry for my english as i am not that good at it.
    first of all i am deeply sad about your pain.i can feel it as i recently went through a sort of same situation.i prayed for you to overcome this period of your life..i think you should let go as i did.right now you would be feeling why am i not asking you to get him back.but beleive me you will not get the happiness you deserve.all you will get is always a guilt and a space or some sort of weird feeling inside you.you deserve better and by contacting him you are hurting your self more and more.is not this very much for you to take to lovve somebody and he is with someone else.he didn't deserve you.and beleive me if he would have wanted to be with you he would have been with you.but he will never be all yours and by staying with him waiting for him you are losing your beautiful life.let it go.it will hurt too much.but try it once.do your prayers refer to God.one day you will be ok.it will take time.it will even hurt when you think of it as i too get hurt.but always remain positive and always think that you deserve somebody who is only yours.he didn't want to be with you so always be thankful to God that he helped you to understand and see what is true.
    take care of your self.be with your family and friends.be happy
    love and support and prayers...

  6. As salaam aliekum,

    Thanks to all the sisters. I am in a similar situation like that of Barbara. I was forced to swear upon Qur'an and while swearing itself I told Allah in my heart "O Allah this oath is not going to edure. Its likely that i would break it soon." I broke my swear just some time back and felt a burden and fear of Allah. Therefore i soon logged on to find answer to all the questions going in my mind. Thank you sister Hafsa and sister Leyla. You relieved me of my burden. I just hope Allah forgives me doesn't bring any kind of pain to all those invoved in this oath. I believe you coz u answer with citing the translation of those aayah from Surah Mai'dah. Or i wouldn't have belived you people. Jazakallah!

    But what Rumaysa and Muslim told grieves me. I trust Allah. InshaAllah all will be right soon.

    Jazakallah
    As salaam Aliekum.

  7. firstly I would like to correct one of the sisters above, in Islam there is such a thing as a fiancé I am currently engaged as a muslim girl with my fiancé. secondly, I also have a question in relation to oaths, if a person is extremely mad while taking an oath & acts out of anger & then soon regrets the action he had just taken by making that oath...does it count or is it simply null?

  8. I was implicated in a false case to recover some documents by some people which were owned by someone else and in order to get a release I was forced to swear on the Quran in the Mosque . The Person wanted me to swear on the Quran as a promise to pay him money in return for my release (Tanazul) I did but got acquitted by the Public Prosecutor since the case was weak . to this date I have not paid this person and have not contacted him again . The Question is

    1) Is this still Valid ?
    2) Am I still obliged to pay him
    3) Is there a Kaffara on me ?

    can someone please tell me what do i have to do as i cannot live with this burden

    • Mohammad, an oath made under duress does not count. I am reminded of the Sahabah who were tortured by the kuffar until they renounced Islam. After they were freed, they came to the Messenger of Allah (sws) and he asked them what was in their hearts. They said that in their hearts they believed in Allah and His Messenger. The Prophet (sws) declared them to be blameless. So I would say that you are free of any obligation. And Allah knows best. If you need further advice, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

Leave a Response