Islamic marriage advice and family advice

forgiveness from another human

Salam Dear brother,

I am in a very desperate situation. Me and my husband have been married for almost two years. We were living separately because of visa related issues. We developed misunderstanding over the period of living separately. He distanced himself emotionally from me, and I kept fighting with him in order to regain his love. I made mistakes, and I apologized for them.

Anyways, two months ago he told me he did not want me to live with him. I begged him and his family to change his mind. During that time I even held my hands in front of him on skype, and told him 'I will put my head down on your feet when I see you to seek your forgiveness'. He kept telling me that he was not happy with me and he could not forgive me for my mistakes (which was just that I asked him to spend time with me, and argued with him over little things).

He said one "talak" to me on phone a month ago. After that his family started supporting him. His sister insulted me and said that he is a very mature person who said the word once, and that I pushed him to that limit. I begged him again to reconsider the option of divorce and not give me 2nd or 3rd talak until my iddat, because it was really painful. He has cut off all ties with me. He is not even supporting me, and I have to go out of my home during this iddat to financially support myself.

I have been repenting of my sins to him and Allah. I have written him emails confessing my sins, and I pray five times a day and do all the duwas and astaghfar. However, I often come across thoughts like Allah will not forgive a person until the person he has wronged has forgiven him. I am depressed that I made some mistakes in my relationship, and my husband is not ready to forgive me even though I am sincerely sorry and want to make things work. Would Allah ever forgive me if my husband refuses to, despite my sincere efforts? We both made mistakes, but as a human I can only have control over myself and my mistakes.


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13 Responses »

  1. Salam aleykoum sister,

    First, i want to clarify some points with you:
    - What are you calling "mistake"?

    If when you are using the word "mistake" it refer to ask him "to spend more time with you" (in the case that he don't want to for no legitimates reasons). It is not a mistake. Now depend in what context you both were when you asked. Did you insult him or did you do something disrespectful to him because he couldn't spend time with you/or did not want to?

    'I will put my head down on your feet when I see you to seek your forgiveness'. It is not a solution; in the way i understand you it is too much to do this to someone's forgivness. Put your head down is only for Allah and no one else. (and i'm not only talking about the physical action but also the meaning wich is really important for a muslim person).

    Now about being with him again, you can approch him to an other way; try to make him realize HIS mistake, show him in what points he is unfair to you. But if you find a way to contact him, don't be emotional in your messages (voice mail or mail) when i say "emotional" i'm talking about screaming, crying. Be calm and eloquent, explain him the situation from your point of view with arguments.

    Hope it will help you.

  2. Assalam alaikum Sister Java,

    From what you have written, I could venture and guess where you are from. Sister, You mentioned that your husband is angry because you argued with about small things and asked for him to spend time with you. This somehow spiraled into him pronouncing talak to you. If men are given the right in Islam to give talak, then good men use this right wisely. Given what you have wrote/said, I don't think it is reasonable for a human being to put their head onto another's feet to beg forgiveness. What would that prove? We do prostrate to Allah alone, period.

    If your husband wants to divorce you, then he should. If he can't forgive you and treat you with kindness and love, then really he shouldn't prolong this pain - both you and him should go your separate ways if the both (or one of you) can't have mercy and love for the other. I know you are really attached to him, but your attachment sounds very unhealthy; hence why you would literally put your forehead upon his feet. Sister, if you wronged him, sincerely asked for forgiveness, you did what you could do. I do not think begging and falling to his feet is going to solve any problems. Whether he forgives you or not, is out of your control. Allah knows our hearts, so if you are sincere, Allah will know this--I hope that gives you some peace.

    Sister, it says in the Quran [2:231]:

    "And when you divorce women and they have [nearly] fulfilled their term, either retain them according to acceptable terms or release them according to acceptable terms, and do not keep them, intending harm, to transgress [against them]. And whoever does that has certainly wronged himself. And do not take the verses of Allah in jest. And remember the favor of Allah upon you and what has been revealed to you of the Book and wisdom by which He instructs you. And fear Allah and know that Allah is Knowing of all things."

    Your husband's choice to remain married or to divorce should be based on your relationship with him and he shouldn't be emotionally succumbing to pressures of his family or involving them in this personal matter at all. The fact that some of his family members are insulting you shows he isn't mature enough to keep boundaries in his personal relationships.

    You wrote:

    I begged him again to reconsider the option of divorce and not give me 2nd or 3rd talak until my iddat, because it was really painful. He has cut off all ties with me. He is not even supporting me, and I have to go out of my home during this iddat to financially support myself.

    Sister, based on what he is doing and how he is doing it, I believe you should prepare yourself emotionally. Continue to seek Allah's guidance, spend time in remembering Allah swt and be true to yourself. When you make a mistake, admit it, sincerely ask for forgiveness and wish to move forward, then moving forward may be with the person or without that person. The outcome isn't necessarily what your primary concern is, but rather what your intention and efforts are play a far more significant role. Do what you can in the best way and do not own the behavior or reaction of others. If your husband can't forgive you, he can at least be decent with you as outlined by the Quran in matters of divorce.

    May Allah ease your pain and struggle and make your realize the strength that is truly within you, Ameen.

  3. Walaikum as-salam Sister,

    I was very surprised to read your post, as I know of someone who is exactly in your position. In any case, I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. It is always undesirable to be in a situation where the husband/wife can not live together, especially if the separation is right from the beginning of the marriage (because I believe that time is most important for getting to know your new life-partner and bonding with them etc.).

    I personally think that if you've sincerely said sorry to him, regret your actions, and have told him this... then you've done your part. You can't make another human forgive you, because that action comes down to the quality of their own character. Like Silver99 and Sister Saba have said, please don't be overly emotional and beg for his forgiveness, because you do NOT need to do that. Be strong, sister 🙂

    If your mistakes were simply that you asked for more time and attention for him (let's assume that you were even pushy about it - that's not ideal, but I understand that you must be frustrated with waiting for the visa and being so far away from him)... Then I think it's unfair of him to not consider your feelings and become unhappy; if this man can't be compassionate right now so early in a marriage and develop understanding with you, and you have to beg him for his attention, forgiveness, etc., then I'm sorry to say, but it seems like things in the future won't be so perfect either.

    However, you have the right to be financially supported till your waiting period is over; You didn't mention if you've involved your family in this matter, an imam, a lawyer, or anyone? I think that would be a wise thing to do. Insha'Allah there can be reconciliation between the two of you again with the involvement of family members (your parents can meet up with his and clear away any misunderstandings); of course, this will only happen if it's meant to be by Allah, He is the best of planners, and He will do what is best for you because masha'Allah you are making lots of astaghfar, praying all your salah, making Dua etc.

    It seems that a major worry of yours is that Allah won't forgive you if your husband doesn't forgive you first. I think you shouldn't worry at all about that; he is a human and would have limitations on whether he is capable of forgiving you or not, no matter how small or big your mistakes are. From what you've written, you tried to regain his love by requesting for more attention etc. and he became mad at you; I don't see the doing of a sin in that honestly, but nevertheless...

    Only Allah's forgiveness matters in the long-run. In Surah Zumar 39:53, the verses explain the forgiveness of Allah and His mercy if we sincerely repent: ""O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." So keep asking for forgiveness insha'Allah and believe that Allah will forgive you!
    I hope and pray that Allah forgives you for any thing that you may have done wrong intentionally or unintentionally, and that your difficulties are put at ease insha'Allah.

    - Healing

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    Regarding forgiveness, we can put our faith in Allah's mercy, that if we truly repent for our sins, He is Most Merciful. His forgiveness is not conditional upon the forgiveness of mere humans, for He is Allah. Yes, it is important for us to seek forgiveness from people we have wronged, but people are fallible and flawed - a person may not be able to forgive us, even if we repent and try to make amends. If a person refuses to forgive us, there is little we can do to appease them, so it may be best to accept that you have tried to rectify things or at least apologise, and let them make their choice, even if that is to continue to feel resentment and anger. You cannot control how another person feels or reacts, but you can try your best to do what is right.

    In your situation with your husband, it's unclear exactly what mistakes were made - it might help to have a discussion between your two families (maybe with a neutral mediator such as an imam or a counsellor) to see if the issues that led to your separation can be resolved. Try not to bombard him with messages, though, as sometimes this can have the opposite effect and lead to people not reading messages properly and paying less attention to what is being said - sometimes less is more.

    Make sure that you continue to try to live an Islamic lifestyle, pray regularly and trust in Allah that He has a plan for you. Relationship difficulties and break-ups can be very difficult to cope with, but help is available, so make sure you have supportive people around, and if you feel yourself becoming depressed, speak with your GP or family doctor if you have one.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • If you ask him for forgiveness (your husband) and he doesn't forgive you and you really tried your best, then the only way is to repent to Allah and being a Person who Allah loves. If a Allah accepts you as a Believer, he will let your husband forgive you. He will give him the highest rank in jennah and therefore your husband if he is not very angry will forgive you.

      Sister, it sounds a little strange to me, but this is not the reason, why you have problems with him. I know, that there are different problems you didn't told us, because you are ashamed.

      Why did you confessed him your sins, if he already knows your shortcoming (your shortcoming is that you don't spent time with him)?

      If he is upset, because you have lied to him or you have done a immortal action, than this is understandable and it's understandable, that you confess your wrongdoing. But if he already knows your sins, than it would not be understandable why you confess him.

      • I did nothing immoral! I am a good practicing muslim. I am surprised by his irrational decision myself. I have seen people forgiving their wives after cheating or misbehaving with their parents. I respected and trusted his family more than mine. I never lied to him. In fact my friends who are married told me on certain matters where he argued with me over something, I should have simply lied to him that I will agree with you but I was always very sincere and honest to him!

        My situation is still the same. My iddat will be over in the next few days. He called me a month ago and told me he will reconsider. I tried reasoning with him that long distance played a huge rule in our misunderstandings and we should give our relation a chance, while I committed I will improve myself and oblige him. To this he told me that a person can never change and you will always do what you have been doing! I havent spoken to him for the last so many days! I am much better than before because I know I have tried my best! inshallah Allah will forgive me, because my intentions were pure and I was dedicated to make this work!


  5. Allah will hopefully bring him to forgive you Sister. You are good hearted sister.

  6. i dont see want mistake you made. but don't make hard for your self sister. you have the right to be with him. there is no sin in asking ur husband for to live with him. there is hadith which says a husband should not stay away from his wife for more than 4 months. i don't know about him so i can not say much. but i think there could be problem with him for divorcing you. you should ask him to clear this out why he doesn't want you anymore.


    • This is insane. More specific answer would be.
      If you have requested for sorry and ur husband denied. Ofcourse Allah SWT will forgive you.

      Second thing is not to get too emotional.theres nothing to worry about.Allah was ru ning ur cycle.He will run again no matter what u have left with.
      More u get emotional more u get distant!

      • salam

        i am the original poster of this question, i havent logged in since last year. i just wanted to update you on my situation and progress. After much bluffing, blaming and manipulations my ex husband sent me divorce papers. He barely spoke to me thrice during the iddat, blamed me the whole time while i patiently listened and appologized to him and requested him to focus on future than past. he sent me the divorce papers without telling me or anyone in my family about his decission. i contested the divorce for my haq maher. he called me gold digger, materialistic and whatever he could for standing up for my rights. anyways, the legal battle ended a year ago. i am alhamdullilah much stronger, empowered and better version of myself. i continue to be a good muslim, still seeking forgiveness from Allah, and i am more compassionate and empathetic towards others because of my own adverse experience. i think its a blesssing of Allah that he choose to make me more positive and happier. I just wanted to thank everyone on this forum who supported me during the crisis with their comments. prayers and well wishes for all of you 🙂

        • Alhamdulillah. So glad to hear that you have come through stronger and wiser.


        • That's amazing sister. It's really good to know your doing well. I pray it's onwards and upwards from here. May Allah swt reward you for your patience and bless you with utmost joy and blessings in this world and the hereafter, Ameen.

  7. “Men are the protectors and maintainers (in a proper and fair manner) of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).” (Qu’ran 4:34


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