Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Forgiveness for misbehaving with parents

Angry woman, angry wife, abusive woman

Both my parents are, unfortunately, bad human beings. Because of being raised by them, I have also become a bad person. They are narcissistic, back biting, mean, hard-hearted and abusive, and I can see myself in the process of becoming exactly the same- maybe worse. I also fear having been sexually abused by my father.  My sixth sense screams that my relationship with him is all wrong and corrupted. My mother's jealousy confirms it.

I have never been close to my mother, who is incapable of being loving due to her own history of abuse, and who is an incorrigible narcissist and vicious with her words. These realizations have been coming to me for some time, and it is only God's Mercy that has kept me alive.

I've prayed a lot and God has helped me a lot, too. All my life, I took all their abuse seriously and I thought I was a bad daughter. Now I'm trying to learn to be kind to myself, and to develop a personality God will like. I hate my parents, but all the literature about the rights of parents in Islam has me scared out of my wits. I try to do things the way I think is right, and at the same time not to be rude in any way, but frequently I lose my temper and misbehave.

A few weeks ago my mom came screaming at me and threatening to hit me. I pushed her away with the intention of hurting her. When she lies, I feel furious and I condemn her in a loud voice. I know this is all wrong. In the moment of anger, I say harsh things, and later I feel horribly guilty and regretful.

I don't want to make God angry and I don't want to go to hell. I want to be able to be my own person, be free to do the right things and to live my life without being pushed around by them or their equally nasty and pushy relatives. At the same time, I don't want to eat up their rights. Please help me and tell me what to do; please tell me if there is hope. I don't want to be rude to them and get myself in trouble with God anymore.



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6 Responses »

  1. Sister it appears after reading your post that you have lot of hatred and animosity towards your parents.

    You already have knowledge regarding parents rights in Islam so there is no point I go over them.

    From your post most concerning issue is possibility of sexual abuse by father . If that is so then you should be removed from this home to safe place. How old are you?

    Once above problem is solved then you need to under go counseling or some kind of support group to help you heal with all abuse you went thru otherwise you might step into your mom shoes. Once you become emotionally stabilized then it will be easy to work on how to fulfill parents rights despite being severely hurt by them in past .

    Be safe.

  2. OP{ They are narcissistic, back biting, mean, hard-hearted and abusive, and I can see myself in the process of becoming exactly the same- maybe worse. I also fear having been sexually abused by my father. My sixth sense screams that my relationship with him is all wrong and corrupted. My mother's jealousy confirms it.

    You blame your parents for above mentioned problems. As you are aware that what you are doing is wrong why not stop that behavior. Your parents may have learned that behavior from their own parents and are unable to control it or not aware of it. Since you are aware of what is happening try to become better and not same or worse than your parents.

    If you are not sure your father sexually abused you, stop analyzing and second guessing. If your mother saw some abuse she would have stopped it right away. I don't see how her jealousy is indication of your sexual abuse. Why you think your relationship with your father is wrong and corrupted? If some thing does not feel right put an end to it

  3. Sister

    Sister sister sister

    My mum alhumduliah is amazing but my dad is the narcissistic one. No matter what someone is going to say - its not going to make it better.

    If you want to talk to me, let me know.

    My dad back bites, hurts, talks bad about everyone, lies , is malicious ...oh I could go on and on.

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    The truth is that you can't change your parents. You can make du'a for them, you ask Allah to change their heart and there is hope in that regard, but I wouldn't have the expectation for them to change.

    What you can work on is yourself. I highly suggest that you seek counselling because it is extremely difficult to deal with the negative emotions that build up from confrontations with your parents--because normally parents are supposed to be nurturing. Narcissictic parents, however, are not nurturing and can be very manipulative.

    You didn't mention how old you are--which would be helpful to know. I think you need to focus your time and energy on your studies and look forward to the life you want. You will need to work on how to have healthy boundaries with your parents for your own sanity.\

    The part that is very concerning about your post is that you suggested you have been sexually abused by your father and currently there is physical abuse that you face. Of course, now that you are older, you fight back and with all the anger that is build up. Again...see a counsellor because you don't want to jump to conclusions without professional help and whether your doubts are confirmed or not, a professional will help you to deal with this situation. I do suggest that you see a Muslim counsellor if possible.

    It is very noble of you to reach out and seek help especially because you don't want to anger Allah swt--inn shaa Allah, you will overcome this very difficult time in your life. May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  5. hello sister! i am surprised to find this piece of writing of yours...i do have the exactly same condition as yours...same abuses, same thought of fear of angering Allah, etc etc. its like i am seeing my own speech! anyways i would really love to talk to you, i need to have a conversation about this with you. although its been 3 years that you posted this, but still it would be nice to talk about our condition.

  6. I misbehaved with my mom .. will Allah forgive mr

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