Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Forgiving her past and accepting her for who she is

past, present, future

Salaam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu

To get straight to the point, I have known a girl on-and-off for a while.  While we were in touch, we never did anything impermissible.  As fate had it, we lost contact and years later, I ran into her again.  She used to be religious but in the years that we were not in contact, she had changed and later I found out that she had committed zina too.  I admire her for her honesty although sins that Allah (swt) have covered are best kept secret.

Nevertheless, she has repented for what transpired and admitted that it only happened once.  Not only that, she is showing tremendous signs of improvement and mending ties with Allah (swt).  I forgave her and as of now, our families are in the process of talking about our marriage.  I prayed Istikhara and received enough assurances that this might be in our best interest and that this might be the will of Allah (swt).

Trouble is that every now-and-then, given that I never had any relationships, her past bothers me.  I stayed away from zina hoping that I would never run into such a dilemma in my life where I will have to choose between accepting a person in spite of her past or letting her go knowing that her and I are highly compatible except for the fact that she is not a virgin.

Initially, it was very hard for me to accept her past but Alhamdulilah I've came a long way since the day she admitted her sin.  For now, every once in a while, it stings when I think about her past.

My question is two-fold.  From one brother to another, are there any strong brothers who are okay with marrying such a person?  Is there a way to completely eradicate the thoughts of her past misdeed from my head?

JazakAllah khair.

ysfabd127


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19 Responses »

  1. Without offending you Bro .
    Just want to make one thing clear , I have seen some cases in which these women with past issues , after honeymoon period ends of Marriage , start to contact their ex to feel excited , So beware of this thing before proceeding to marry . Better to go for chaste as Prophet has Commanded in Hadith of Bukhari in which he recommends Jabir Ansari r.a to marry virgin

  2. Fellow brother you mentioned you 'forgave' the sister for committing zina,
    But you are not her husband? so this is quite strange,
    you said you knew this woman on and off for a while, friendships between non mehrams are forbidden in Islam? Not getting intimate, does not make this sort of relationship permissible?

    The issue here is, what should have been concealed has been revealed, but now you are aware, if this sister has repented and seems remorseful, if you feel you have the ability to leave behind, what you have come to know, and you feel you can defeat the whispering of the Shaytaan, (because the whispering will come, if not for this reason, then for another)....... then there isn't a reason to reject her,
    you know yourself best

    All the best in whatever decision you make Inshallah

  3. As-salamu alaykum brother. I can completely understand your situation. So I want to give you some early warnings regarding how Shaytan will come to trick you in the future to jeopardize your married life. Firstly, I would like to say that, if you have got good signs after your Istikhara prayer, then go for it. Don’t look backwards and let go of her past sins. After sincere Tawabah, past sins don’t matter to our Master, the most merciful and the most forgiving. As His slave, you shouldn’t be bothered by it when you already have clear evidences that she is constantly trying to purify herself after repenting. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: “I swear by Him in whose hand is my soul, if you were a people who did not commit sin, Allah would take you away and replace you with a people who would sin and then seek Allah’s forgiveness so He could forgive them.” [Sahih Muslim (2687)]. We are human beings and we make mistakes. May be Allah wanted her to get closer to Allah by seeking forgiveness. You and I have no knowledge of that and Allah knows the best. Let’s go to my next points about how Shaytan may come to you and inflict evil whispers in your future married life.

    Since you are getting married soon InshaAllah, you are already mature enough to know that small arguing and disagreement are very common and natural between married couples (We already saw our parents lol). During that period, don’t lose your cool, and you both have to work it out through compromising and mutual respect. During the time of anger where you will have no control over your consciousness, Shaytan will make you say things about her past. Trust me, this will hamper your relation vigorously. This will deeply affect her emotionally and spiritually. Because, she has repented and trying to move forward and you are trying to drag her back in the past. Just think, you cannot let go of others’ sins, whereas you are a sinner yourself (major or minor; it doesn’t matter, we are all sinners) and hope to get forgiveness from Allah for your own sins on the Day of Judgment. Will not that be double standard thinking this way? The most hideous sin is killing another human. Allah even forgives this whom He wills.

    Another important point is that, please, please do not discuss and disclose her past sins to any of the family members, close friends or relatives. We sometimes share things knowingly or unknowingly to others to get relieved during the time of anxiety and distress. Hide it no matter what because hiding another person’s sin is considered as a good deed. Otherwise, you will face another problem. Shaytan will come to them and make them say things like, “Hey man, you saved yourself and you were virgin all along your life. You don’t deserve this.” Trust me, Shaytan loves to do this and don’t fall into his trap and trickery which will ruin your life and leave you in great depression. May Allah bless your marriage and protect you from Shaytan and evil eyes.

    N.B.: Sorry for my bad grammar. Forgive me if I have said anything harsh. I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Shaytan and my evil self. Only Allah holds the power to judge and He knows best.

  4. Brother,
    So many Girls doing masturbation how u say thay are virgin or not ?? ?
    Never ask her past because u never satisfy her answer .u r not comfortable . u r mind and heart running negative now . if she like you and u like her than why u r creating negativity in your life. if you are uncomfortable dont do marriage with her. Dont believe in Rumour. Go and clear the douts with her. After u think positive about your marriage. Sorry for poor English

    Thanks

  5. Brother i think you should not go ahead with it...ive said in a previous similar thread that a man is wired this way.
    he obsesses over his woman's past...while a woman only looks at the future...its just the way these things go.

    no point fighting it and no point arguing...unless you have a past as well.. then you have no right to judge her. if you have kept away from it all...then i think it would be better if you walk away.

    you will always see her as someone not worthy of you...again dont get me wrong but be wise about this...do you want to keep fighting with your thoughts...have random flare ups?

    im not dissuading you but it is a test no doubt...

  6. I half disagree with some answers.

    I wouldn't delve into her sins any further. She told u that she made a mistake and repented, that means she trusts you. But the thing is, I would avoid asking for any details. It'll just make it 10x worse. Honestly, you'll get over it with time as long as you DONT EVER ASK FOR DETAILS. Just discuss with her before the nikah that you accept her for her past as long as it stays in the past. Meaning, leaving all of it behind and never digging it back up.

    Be CLEAR about it. Since she told u about it from the beginning, she's being honest with you. If everything happens smoothly, then let it.

  7. salaam brother masha Allah you are strong enough to stay out of zina in your life and i am sure you can also be stronger to forgive her and marry her because doing so discourages all feelings of shaytan and because as you said she repented and doing well means she came far enought to chalenge the shaytan and put her soul to the right path so you forget the past and look the present to plan for the future.
    insha Alllah you will have very successfull life.

    • Salaam alaykum wa rahmatullah,
      JazakAllah khair! Truth be told, she has made me a stronger person. Her presence in my life has assured me beyond a shadow of doubt that my religion is the most important thing in my life and caused me to strive to be a better human, better Muslim every day.

  8. Salam,
    The sister's past is past. Those types of misdeeds are done when there is not much guidance and a lot of trickery on behalf of the man. She repented and it sounds like she continues to repent, which means she regrets having done the deed. Sounds like she is a clean girl; and she trusts you like a BEST FRIEND, enough to keep her secrets safe.

    So what are you afraid of? That she will cheat on you, her dear and true friend? That she might have some other man's baby, from when she did zina years ago? No. You might be a little jealous that she committed such an act with another man before you, even though she knew you first.. Well like you said she was led astray from the religious path, and she might have got hurt from it so much that she feels coming back to her old safe life with someone she knows will not trick her is the best option. She is happy to get a second chance with you; and she probably regretted leaving that chance years ago. Now she wants to marry YOU. Not the other guy. She wants YOU. FOREVER. She trusts YOU, brother.

    From a girl's side, if a girl has a best friend forever, she has a "ride or die" mindset for them, so to speak. So now you're her bff, and she feels like she could do anything for you. She is willing to get married -- that means a lot of cooking, a lot of cleaning, raising your kids, and going the extra mile for you anytime. She has searched for Mr. Right a long time, and although before she was tricked into misdeeds thinking she could get Mr. Right through all the methods they show in pop culture, she couldn't find anyone better than YOU.

    I hope that I helped you to see that your place in her heart is secure. After all, she is picking YOU AS HER FINAL DECISION, not the other guy.

    Salam brother,
    Shereen

    • It is still possible that after marriage when honeymoon phase is over and he ex cotacts her she might start once again that haraam relationship ..When real struggle n difficulties of marriage comes in life and life looks less exciting she might go back to her ex as those will be exciting memories compare to marriage ones ...There are many posts by Muslim girls in the same website who claims to be practising but unable to control and sleeping with other men .
      Better you drop her as you wont be able to trust her .

    • Salaam sister Shereen,
      I salute your words as it shows a sense of comfort and I am sure our brother in need will read your comment and ponder. Your words are great and I completely agree with your thoughts. Ma Sha Allah.
      Jzk.

    • Salaam alaykum wa rahmatullah,
      JazakAllah khair sister Shereen for your response. Certainly puts things in perspective! May Allah (swt) bless you and the entire ummah. Keep me in your prayers 🙂

  9. Slam Brother i think you should forgive her AFTER TALKING TO HER , AFTER DOING MASHWARA AND ISTAKHARA. There are many people out there whose spouses were not virgin before marriage (male/female) and they dont know about this fact. BUT KEEP IN MIND ONE THING THAT SHE MIGHT TOLD YOU YOU ABOUT HER SIN BECAUSE OF FEAR THAT YOU WILL COME TO KNOW ABOUT HER SIN AFTER MARRIAGE. Try to clear all these questions from her first.

  10. very tricky situation...i was in one years ago and ended the relationship before it reached.
    i still regret doing so because since then i havent found someone i am so attracted to...and have that deep connection with.

    having said so, i would, just like you fall into depression when i would think about her past and then would start fighting with her (i never cursed her or called her names but was generally rude to her) anyway time passed and i realize that i cannot forget her...

    all in all, terrible dilemma...i guess just trust istikhara and like Aaiza said ask all your questions, satisfy yourself and then proceed.

    best of luck man

    • Salaam alaykum wa rahmatullah,

      Two things:

      1) I never fell into depression and I never fought with her over this. Even when we argue, trying to come up with a plan for our future inshaAllah, there is no bringing up of her past, Alhamdulilah.

      2) I am sorry that you had to give up on someone with whom you shared a special connection just because she had a past.

  11. Salaam brother,
    As you have mentioned, the girl who you wished to marry and have liked has regretted her deed and therefore has repented for it - asking for forgiveness from Allah - I am sure there will be no worries when it comes to trust.
    As for your problem with her past, I recommend you sit down to have a private chat alone with her and talk things through until you are satisfied with your questions and her answers.
    A person only has problems with something if they do not talk about it with anyone. I assure you that you talking to your wife about this will make things much easier and also will make you more comfortable around her, seen as she has spoken he truth - In Sha Allah - and has cleared the air.
    You, brother, asked if it would be appropriate to marry someone with such a past; I say it would be if you have no remaining queries regarding anything and are both ready to move on.

    Jzk

    • Salaam alaykum wa rahmatullah,
      Details will not help but discussing my issue will help. Keep me in your prayers.

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