Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Forgiving my father

Jail cells and corridor

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

While praying taraweeh the other night a question brought fear into my heart. It has been a year since I've spoken to my father. He is in jail for raping my siblings. I understand in islam you have to be nice to your parents no matter what, so my question is do or must I go visit my father in jail and make peace with him before I die? I really don't wanna go to hell for that. I can forgive my father in my heart, but only for Allah. Do I have to still visit him?

-greensara16

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10 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    I do not have the Islamic answer you seek so I cannot comment on whether it is required for you to visit your father. I hope someone with Islamic knowledge will answer your query as I am curious to know the correct answer myself.

    My father walked away from my mother and left her to raise four children on her own. He went on with his life and never looked back. What a low form of a human he was. I hated him for so long and in a way, I still do. He died four years ago and I found out recently. I shed a tear or two and that was that. I didn't know him like a daughter should. He didn't want that. He had moved on. I wanted nothing to do with him as I got older and although I could forgive him, I did not want him in my life. Nothing compelled me to see him. I had made peace with myself. I wished him no harm and I still don't.

    On a personal level, I don't think I would want to see my father if he raped my siblings and I don't think anyone could ever make me go if I chose not to. I might be able to find it in myself to forgive him but to visit him...I don't know if I could or if I'd even want to. I pray that someone on this website can offer you the answer you seek. May Allah guide you and your siblings forward and may you find inner peace.

    Salam

  2. I am sorry I just would not visit at all

    1) Your father has ruined lives of your siblings that's something they will never get over. I seriously would support the siblings. He didn't deserve to be a father or have any children
    2) He abused his role as a father
    3) No you shouldn't visit

  3. NO .Don't visit as he has done unacceptable ACT .
    He seems to be mentally SICK and such people don't change .

    • EXACTLY I agree especially when Allah gave him life and he abused his position as a father. Then there good men out there who would do anything to conceive a child. People like this always play the victim after as well knowing they did wrong may Allah ask them when they die why they did it to there own child just seriously SICK.

  4. hie sweetie am not a Muslim but I am a Christian, my boyfriend is a Muslim though. I think you should forgive your father. I know its going to be difficult but you have to do and it might take time. Am sure he has learned his lesson and is a changed man .Forgiving him is letting go, but holding a grudge does not mean letting go. You just need to show him that you still care because he is your father our parents do things that hurt our feelings but we have to learn to forgive. If you do visit him just tell him how you feel about what he did to your siblings and just talk about things with him, he might actually have a mental disorder and needs to have medication or go for rehab or something. and remember that we as people sin a lot and god still forgives, he wants us to be a good example to the non believers. Am sure you would agree that forgiving his is the right thing to do, but the decision is yours I will keep you in my prayers 🙂 everything will work out just fine I hope this helps God bless 🙂 xxxxxx

  5. You are not required to visit him.

    You are required to speak kind words to him, and help him in his old age.

    So if he ever contacts you, say Salam and ask how he is. There is no need to be involved in his life.

    If he needs help in his old age, send him some money, food, etc.

    Your father is a sinner. He committed the worst possible sin in Islam, which is punishable by stoning to death according to some scholars. He has created his own path - let him live it.

    Just abide by your duties as summarized above.

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    We have responsibilities to our parents, but they also have responsibilities to us - their children - and we have rights as well. Your father has not behaved in accordance with his responsibilities, and has committed a terrible crime. I don't think that you are obligated to go and visit him - he has a roof over his head, he has food and water... His basic needs are presumably being met (most prison systems require that prisoners have basic provisions).

    For me, one of the main reasons we should try to forgive or come to terms with a person or situation that has caused us hardship, is because holding on to the anger and hurt can cause us more harm than it does the person who has wronged us. Giving such negative emotions priority in our life can weigh us down, make us vulnerable to despair and the whispers of shaitan that tell us we do not deserve happiness again, and mean that the person who hurt us continues to do so...

    As long as we hold and prioritise hatred and anger towards a person, that person and the things they did continue to hurt us and define part of who we are. I don't think you have to forgive your father to the extent that you would need to go and visit him or even have any contact with him (unless you later choose to), I think it might help you and your family to maybe have some counselling and work together to process what has happened and leave the anger behind you. We can't change our pasts, but inshaAllah you can all work towards coming to terms with what has happened, so that it won't continue to hurt you so much.

    The fact that you are even able to think about whether you should be forgiving someone who has hurt you so much, says a lot about your good character and your faith, that you are willing to consider the issue for the sake of Allah. May He reward you for this, and help you and your family find peace in this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  7. There is this one thing that really bugs me and I would appreciate your thoughts.

    I haven't discussed this with anyone but anyway, my "father" married my mother without telling her he was already married and after a few years left her, he took me away from my mother at the age of 6, I had to live with his wife and kids and wife who mistreated me for 4 years. He made my life a misery, beat me up at every chance he had, spat on me, would step on my feet and squash them, pull faces at me if I were to sit there looking down and he even kept a big wooden stick just to beat me up with, he never layed a finger on his other kids. One day when was giving me a hair cut he touched my chest, although I was a child I knew it wasn't right, since then I was always frightened to be alone with him, one night I had to sleep next to him as we had guests and there were no room, my heart was trembling with fear because I was scared I didn't know what he would do. He often used to show me his private if he was hitting me and I'd been naughty, I was only a child but I knew it was wrong but I had noone to speak to, no mother to cry to or siblings to tell about the pain. He even broke my arms because my coat button fell off and it was just another excuse, not to mention he used to tell his cousin he feels like pushing me over the balcony.

    After all those years my mother fought for me and won custody, but till this day I will never forget how I was treated by him, when I make duas I only make dua's for my mother, I can't bear to ask Allah for his happiness and forgiveness, perhaps its hate, but then again I don't feel any anger. I'm confused as to whether I forgive, and tbh how does one forgive? does it mean make dua's for him when I make dua for my mother?. Our mothers should come 3 times first before anyone else, and I love my mum so much I can not bear the pain of knowing what she went through because of him, and I don't think I can ever forgive him after he has ruined her life.

    He had the audacity to touch me inappropriately and show me his vulgar private part, I wonder if he would had raped me?, he was capable of it, Would Allah punish me for not forgiving a man who is supposed to look after me but instead treated an minor ill,was capable of raping me AND ruined my mothers life?.

  8. No leave the forgiveness in your heart, write him. But I to have a father that raped a lot of kids, left my mom when we was 6 months old to raise twins. I wrote him, but will not face him. I'll never give him that opportunity to see me. But he heard me, and will remember my words. His truth is my past now and thank God i let it go

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