Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I found out she was married 6 months later

Lies, telling lies, lying


I am a divorced Muslim man. Just a little under two years ago, I started seeing a Muslim woman whom I met on a dating site, with a view toward getting married. We met for a coffee, and found that we got on really well.  We started to see each other on a regular basis, and in time we found that we had fallen in love. I found myself not wanting to be apart from her.

Prior to us meeting we had been taking to each other on the phone for over a month, and then we decided to meet. I had asked her about her marital status and she told me that she was divorced with one child. We had been together for over 6 months, and I told her on numerous occasions that I wished to make her my wife. When I said this, she would be very quick to change the subject and move on to another.

Six months later she decided to tell me the truth: that she was married with not one but 4 children, and she still lived with her husband. I have never felt so much hurt and anger in all my life! She told me that she loved me and not her husband, and that she wishes that she was with me. I know I should have walked away from her when she told me the truth, but I couldn't as I love her so much.

We are still together but do not see each other as much. She has said to me that we should do things the right way, and let Allah guide us. We have started to read our namaz and do sincere duas to see if our kismet brings us together in the right way. I have been pining for her for so long. I want to know if what we are doing is acceptable? I want to make her my wife so much, and I know we make each other happy.


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13 Responses »

  1. BROTHER!! VERY DANGEROUS SITUATION!!! Allah swt knows best. And has made us the best creations out of everything. He has blessed us with the ability to think for our selves and choose our decisions. Think. How many lives you might ruin if you marry this women. She has done a bad thing by going behind her husband's back and hope Allah swt can forgive her. But think. What if she does it again with you..?? Can you really trust this women...?? I think she just wants attention and the feeling of a new love because it is exciting. But before you do anything, please consider her husband, kids and dont forget. How would your family feel about this..?? Allah swt is the best of planners and knows best. He has something for everyone....

  2. I agree with Zishan.

    How could you be doing a bad thing and then praying for Allah to guide you dwell in it? Is it a kind of game with Allah? What are you asking Allah for? To make her husband divorce her so you could marry her? I don't want to say the Angels will be causing anyone making such prayers. But brother fear Allah and let go of everything. She has told you that you should do the right thing, but the right thing is for you to stop this Haraam relationship before the Anger of Allah descends upon both of you.

    1- You can't be praying for someone's wife

    2- You cannot wish for someone to divorce his wife so you could marry her

    3- If you leave her you cannot promise her that you will marry her if her husband divorces her, this could make her try any means to get divorced.

    • And if you make her get divorced because of you, some scholars may consider her Haraam to you, and you cannot marry her forever, because you forced what is not yet your right to become your right in the wrong time. Just as someone who killed his father to inherit him, but due to him forcing what is not yet his right to happen soon, he has been forbidden to inherit his father forever.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    I'm sorry to hear you are in such a distressing situation. Premarital (and in this case extramarital) relationships are not acceptable in Islam, so I would advise you to observe Islamic boundaries and avoid private contact with this woman. Honestly, I don't think you should spend your time waiting for her and wishing her to be your wife - instead, ask Allah for forgiveness for your transgressions, reconnect with Islam and when you feel ready, find a spouse in a halal way.

    From what you've written, this woman registered with a dating website, lied to you about her marital status and children for over 6 months, and has had an extramarital affair for two years without her husband's knowledge? Astaghfirullah. The way she has been acting in this situation has not been indicative of good character - she's being unfair to you, to her husband and to her children - and even if you were to end up married to her, you would know that she had cheated on her husband with you... would you be able to fully trust that she wouldn't do the same to you?

    I think you also need to look at your own actions - having a relationship with another man's wife isn't acceptable behaviour - it's not fair to her, to him, to their children, or to you. Try to think about what steps you took that led to here, and make an effort to avoid repeating them in the future. For example, when you look for a spouse in the future, avoid dating sites, and find a halal way - through family, friends, your local masjid... As you've found out, people you meet from the internet aren't always how they describe themselves on line. Also, ask yourself what is keeping you in this situation - are there personal issues that are causing you to feel "stuck" or unable to move on emotionally?

    You ask "is what we are doing acceptable?" - in short, the answer would be No. There are different schools of thought about appropriate levels of interaction between men and women, and different opinions on what level of contact people should have with someone they are thinking of marrying, but as far as I'm aware, there isn't a single one that endorses extramarital relationships with married women.

    May Allah guide you to the straight path, and help this woman and her family rebuild their lives in an Islamic way.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Salam, I too agree with them and you should really ask yourself if she has 4 children and a husband why is she still looking? Because she has fallen in a routine with her husband and wants to feel free again. The truth is this will only lead to her self distruction her children will be severely effected as well. Sometimes it is easy to feel love in exchange for someone's kindness but in reality it's only someone's companionship making you feel happy. You deserve much much more than this you can start a fresh life with someone who can actually start one with you, have children together , enjoy family moments without resents have a pure life and overall still have a spot with Allah. You can choose but u have to keep in mind that it is not only her husband you would effect. Also remember how you met her what makes you sure she won't get bored with you either? What she lacks is communication with her husband that is why she feels Lonley and goes with you I am not judging but as a student in psychology this is what I see. Last but most importantly she denied her children why? Fear of rejection . What would have happened if it would have been another guy? Really think she was looking for something . Don't get confused but most importantly give yourself space to see if this is true I would suggest hanging out with a close friend and talking to different people so you can see if this is really what you want or if you were just hoping to find the one it's ok sometimes you need to see your options to be clear i what u want although with respect much luck

    -Selene Albor

  5. dear brother,

    you seem to be a nice person and wanting to get married the right way.

    DONT waste your time on this woman. she is married, someone elses wife. she has used your emotions to pass her time or whatever the reason best known to her . i dont know what she means when she says we should do it the right way ? she is wrong all the way . happy or not happy in her marriage manipulating someone else to fulfill her own agenda is completely unacceptable.

    brother the right way is to leave he and run away from this lier. she is totally unreliableyou dont want someone like this to be your wife.

    give yourself sometime , inshallah you will recover and may Allah find you a loving and caring wife.

    what i dont understand is that you were seeing her for 6 months but had not investigated mush about her family , kids etc.

  6. I wont write the same thing as the above comments but all I can say is if a person isnt honest abt sumthing frm the beginning how can u really trust them later on?

    Im sorry but this women really needs to straighten her "own" issues before wasting sumone elses time and getting involved with them.

    Allah (SWT) saved u and brought this in front of u as a sign not to make this mistake. PLZ think abt ur life, wut u want, and how this wud affect others.

    MAy Allah grant u a pious partner, thats honest and loving. Sumtimes we come across the wrong ppl to learn a lesson but plz dnt be disheartened.

    • All I have to say is shame on
      This married women who have children and is married is acting this way please stay away from this evil women she is a lier and she will do that to you too. Dont break this family up if she isn't happy that is to bad to sad she need to stay away from you. You need to find a good single Muslim girl. There is 1 billion girls out there just like you who r looking for a good guy like you. So plz move on shame on
      Her.I feel bad for her family her husband.

    • @NOORKH786 Allah (SWT) saved u and brought this in front of u as a sign not to make this mistake. PLZ think abt ur life, wut u want, and how this wud affect others.

      Mas'Allah beautiful response I strongly agree.

  7. My dear brother,

    you have asked "what we are doing is acceptable? "

    i am not sure for that woman but it seems that at least you already know or feel that this is not right..not acceptable. isnt it.

    Dont you think by keeping any relation with you, she is actually cheating on her husband. and since she is with you, then you are playing a part in her sin.

    When a woman inspite of being someone's wife (living with her husband) uses dating site, talks to non mehram like you, tells lie to you from the outset like divorced, mother of one child only and she kept you in dark for six months and when she finds you in love with her, then she tells the reality to you ( i may be wrong but i may be right that she disclosed her reality at this juncture when she knows you love her and you wont let her go easy) . Dont you think she actually trapped you, she played with your feelings & emotions, how immoral she is as a person and in light of Islam. if you keep yourself at her husband's place, you would realize her actual character.

    just think my dear brother, when she can lies to you from the start, who can guarantee that she wont again in future. whatever lies she told you were not small enough that one can ignore. Open your eyes my brother.
    Do you think Allah (swt) would answer your wish when you are asking to make someone yours when she is already wife of somebody else.

    just a side thought, suppose, if she was really a divorcee but not with one child but four kids (as she has), then how would have been reaction, would you still have felt like to marry her with her four kids?!!!

    You seem to be nice guy but you also (like most muslims today are doing) made a mistake to use internet ( that too a dating site!!) to find a wife, dont you know that its haram(dating site) as per Islam and practically also it is not a right way to find a match as it cannot guarantee you the genuineness of the other person. When we get into it, we often end up trapped like this.

    Please save yourself from further frustration and pain. She is not a right person for you by any mean. Dont be submissive to your heart. Think practically and you would know the answer what is right and what is right, what is to be done then.

    Pray to almighty to give you a good wife, think of some halal ways to get a wife, and yes, do thank almighty for opening your eyes and for saving you.

    Good Luck

    your sister

  8. Brother,

    I know of a woman who is a professional as well as her husband. One month, he took a look at his phone bill and noticed a phone number that was called a lot. He called the number to find it was a man. When he asked the man how he knew his wife he said, "your wife...that is my fiance!" The husband hung up the phone and was very angry and hurt. How could his wife do this to him? Moments later, the man called the husband back and said, "if she can do that to you, she is playing both of us!". Together the men hired a private investigator and found that she was seeing six other men. Not one or, six.

    The relationship that you are in is haram. Nothing you say or do can justify your actions. This woman lied to you and cheated on her husband. Is that the type of woman you want as a wife? Is that the type of woman you want as the mother of your children? If she can cheat on her husband with you, what makes you think she can't cheat on you with another man? What does it make you feel like when she sees you and then goes home to her husbands bed?

    You seriously need a wake up call. You deserve better than being some woman's guy on the side. She has wronged you and lied to you for so long. What about her children, they deserve better. Let her go and move on brother. She is going to wreck her home on her own, don't be a party to it. There is nothing you can do to make the relationship you share with her halal...nothing. Cut your losses and move on. You deserve nothing less than a woman who is honest, caring and most of all...single!


    • I totally agree with you and your advice masAllah it points out the truth in reality.

      I urge you to leave this woman, you are being played at like a puppet and you need to REALISE this women is lying to you professionally and you have fallen for it. WHY IS SHE STILL STAYING WITH HER HUSBAND!! SHE HAS TRAPPED YOU, YOU CANT YOU SEE THAT.Cut all ties with this woman you are playing with fire considering she is MARRIED.

      LEAVE HER YOU DESERVE BETTER, YOU WAS HONEST SHE WASN'T, OUT CAME THE TEARS AND EMOTIONALLY SHE USED YOU. Brother you deserve better, find someone else who is a decent honest woman, there are more out there worthy of you and your honesty.

  9. Brother,

    she cheated on her husband with you. Cheating means, if she looked or talked with you with hunger and flirting as described by you is that kind of thing. She has to take forgiveness (Slave Hakk) from her Husband, because her Husband has some right to her as she to him. One of them is fidelity. If she is not fidel and doesn't love her husband, than the Husband has the right (Hakk or Slave Hakk). The husband will meet her in the other realm and she will need to give a great amount of her Hassanant to her Husband.

    And LOVE my brother means, that you swear your partner, that you will be fidel, give him support, talk out problems. This is love and nothing else. She doesn't love her husband and needs to get his forgiveness, because she did commit that at the time of her marriage. This means her Husband has right (Hakk or Slave Hakk) to take Hassanat from her on the other world.

    TO YOU:

    Brother, if she denied that she is married and told you that she has the intention of marrying you and you had really no chance of knowing if she really is telling you the true (GOOD WILL) , than it's your duty to stay away from her. NOW where you know, that she is married, if you don't leave her, than the husband will have rights (Hakk or Slave Hakk) on YOU besides on his wife. This means, you should leave her, because if you stay, you need to take Forgiveness from her Husband (Hakk or Slave Hakk). Otherwise you will see her husband in the other world.

    Take distance to her. Cut the contact.

    May God help you Brother....

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