Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Friend believes in Allah his heart, but not in his head.

Salam, I have a very complicated situation. My story is realllllly long, too, but I would really appreciate if someone read it!

I came from a family that didn't practice the Sunnah at all. But after I graduated high school, I started wearing hijab to restart my life. I knew that it would be really tough for me to suddenly be steadfast, especially from the lifestyle I had before. In Summer 2010, I went to Islamic events and brought my family closer to the deen. We all started praying and caring more about Islam, so now my family is stronger in our faith, but we are no where close to being good. My mom still doesn't dress too modestly, and my older brother still drinks and smokes, but we are so much better than what we used to be.

In first semester of college (Fall 2010), I stayed in my dorm all the time and avoided meeting people because I know what I am naturally like - I am a very outgoing and social girl who love meeting new people. I was so scared of allowing my weak nature to overcome me, so I forced myself to just be quiet and modest. My old friends (non-muslim) all noticed how I changed drastically, and it made me so happy that I was finally following the path most pleasing to Allah.

In Nov 2010, I met this Atheist boy who asked me about questions about Islam. He was very quiet, always studying, and didn't have many friends. I love giving Dawah to people, so I was excited to teach him the basics of Islam. I gave him my number so we could plan a time to talk. Afterwards once I answered all his questions, I deleted his number from my phone. I wasn't interested in being his friend because I knew it was haram. He also didn't seem to have any intentions of being friends, too, because he was very studious.

However, during winter break (roughly around a month later) when we were back home from university, he accidentally called me while his phone was under his pillow. I didn't know who the number was so I answered saying "Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?"

As soon as I was about to hang up, I heard a voice going "Uhhh, hello? Why did you call me? Do you know what time it is??" Suddenly, I apologized because I was confused, then hung up. I still didn't know who it was.

Later that day, he texted me saying "I'm so sorry for earlier today, my phone must have called you while I was asleep, didn't mean for that to happen. This is (name), by the way."
I responded back saying it was no problem, and I hope his winter break was going well.
He replied, asked how mine was, yadda yadda yadda, one thing led to another, we texted for a while, and became friends.

I know that was haram of me to do, but I can't dwell on the past. What's done is done. So please don't reply saying what I did was haram, I know that already.

Once we talked more, I realized that his iphone has a password lock on it and it's touchscreen. This meant that in order for his phone to even call me, it had to be unlocked by the password. I believed him when he swore that he had no idea how that happened; that it was by mistake and completely coincidental.

I believe everything happens for a reason. So, this might be foolish of me, but I took that as a sign from Allah that I had to teach him more about Islam. After all, his main intention of talking to me in the first place was sincerely to learn about Islam. And out of all the contacts, his phone called me.

Eventually (8 months later), I taught him so much about Islam and he finds it beautiful. He agrees with women dressing modestly, men lowering their gaze, giving Zakat, being steadfast in prayer, and he even fasted with me during Ramadan. He also listens to Islamic lectures with me.

There is where the problem comes in:
He fell in love with me and wants to marry. He knows that I will only marry a Muslim man, but he has told me many times that he has no problem converting to Islam.

The problem is, he says in his heart, he believes in Allah, however, rationally in his head, he is still Atheist and doesn't have any proof completely that God exist. He says that he can't understand how God exists if we have both free will and fate. He says that means that everything we do (halal or haram) was God's will, that we actually don't even have a choice and that it's all an illusion. Meaning that God already predetermined who will go to Heaven or Hell before we all were born, which is not fair because we had no choice in our actions after all.

Despite all this, he says that he will live his life as if he is a Muslim; do all the pillars of Islam, go to the mosque, live modestly, follow the Sunnah, ect.

He says the only thing is that rationally, God just doesn't make sense to him, therefore he can't KNOW he exist, but he finds peace in his heart when he follows the Sunnah, so he will live like a Muslim.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if he is a believer or not. I can't force him to believe something that doesn't make sense to him. And he is not arrogant, he is willing to sacrifice worldly things for the Islamic lifestyle.

My family met him many times and love him. He gets along with all of them and helps them with anything they need. He is very loyal, honest, and modest. He is not like many men I know.

He lives like a better muslim than my own family, but he doesn't have 100% confidence to say completely with no doubt in his mind that Allah exist. I don't know what to do. Is it haram for me to end up with him? If he converted, would he be considered a hypocrite? What can I tell him that will show him proof that Allah does exist?

-2Anna


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8 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    The questions he has about the existence of God and free will etc are not new. They are heavy existential questions that plague people of all backgrounds and beliefs. Those questions are bigger than any answers you might be able to come up with, or what any of us may be able to advise you. He has to be able to come to his own peace with those issues, just as we all do in our own way. It may help him to talk to an Islamic scholar in your area that he can openly discuss his thoughts, and get a grounded Islamic view on these points. I would suggest researching who might be available for this, and then give the information to him to follow up on. I want you to remember that even if a person does convert, these fundemental questions of faith may return after the conversion, or even stay present for a while after. Conversion doesn't always solve the underlying questions of the universe we have from time to time.

    I will say this though, anyone who is willing to live a life in submission even while wrestling with the logical details is to be commended. No one knows what Allah knows, so no one can really say if someone doing this is a believer or not or to what extent. Suffice it to say, unless he makes a formal declaration of faith in Allah and His Messenger, I would not consider marrying him. I think he needs some more time and education with a properly qualified scholar before you start making plans for a future with him.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Assalaam walekum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu sister 2Anna,

    I am extremely happy to know about your transformation ( let all praises to be Allah subhaan wa Taala as He alone is the one who turns the direction of heart).

    Regarding your friend, I have nothing to say about his faith as we all are constantly put under the scanner f or testing our faith.Our beloved prophet ( Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) once said beware of asking questions as to why with regards to things you see, as one day you might end up questioning the authority of the creator itself.So I leave your friend alone.May Allah have mercy upon him and all of us.

    Now coming to my sister who has so far fought well to break shackles of her upbringing and society and be able to see the light. Sister it would be in your best interest to handover custody of your friend to some religious scholar, as rightly told by sister Amy.Remember what our beloved prophet had to say about meeting of woman and man: that shaitaan is always around them ,conspiring.May Allah paak save us all from him,

    Sister, from what appears to me ,it seems like your heart awakened to Islam by favour of Allah.And it is said that heart of a momin is best Mufti for him/her.As it knows what is to be followed and is correct.It is your heart which must have led you to this post, for seeking advice.As Aadam Alahi salaam rightly pointed to his sons in his last will: My sons, when I was near that forbidden tree anxiety took over me, also I felt I am dwelling between right and wrong, so try not be in situations where you too will be in dilemma about right and wrong.It goes well with the saying of our Beloved Prophet sallallahu Alaihi wa sallam that : its a question of matters which are suspicious, whether to go for it or not. And if you go for those, then its like grazing your camel near land of someone else.And that camel once you allow to graze has mind of its own and it might any moment enter other person's land and get punished.Things which are forbidden in Islam are Allah's territory, although your innerself ( here in this context is camel) is allowed to be touch with fellow being( your friend) for the sake of Deen, but your innerself ( camel )is always in danger of committing things which are forbidden.

    Sister your liking for Dawaah, is the inbuilt essence of Islam, every momin does feel the same way.But thats not all.We cannot reach everyone.We can influence people whom only Allah wishes to awaken.That way sister , its your family , which might be by now by the grace of Allah Subhaan wa taalla, looking at you as inspiration to come close to islam.Satan works more on people who think about others and are momin themself.So ( May allah protect you always) if he is able to decieve you into a relation which is suspicious and end up doing wrong, then your family members and others who look upon you will lose a leader.

    With regards to work of Dawaah , you have done more than enough for him.Now he should be left with people of Deen, who are allowed to take him further, as I believe your faith will be put to danger if you continue to interact with him, with the way he is now.Allah's Apostle sallalahu Alahi wa sallam never approved of anything readily, which would put to test a momin. You can concentrate on your brother or mother with all your energies.Allah the all merciful, will not hold you responsible for fate of your friend( may Allah have mercy on him and on us).

    Sister, intentions are the most important ingredient of any deed.Now that things have warmed up between you and your friend till the extend of marriage.Your intentions will be in a roller coaster ride.LET ALL OUR DEEDS BE ONLY FOR ALLAH'S SAKE.In dawaah we should not have personal attachments, as that would corrupt intentions.And the most challenging part in Dawaah is that a Dayih is him/her self put to test by Allah Rabbil Izzat the All knowing for the words he/she stands for.

    Lastly, whatever you decide, please be in touch always with the good people you know.And we are always with you.

    Before I end , I must say Allah has created everything, and knowledge of that is with him from the beginning till the end, but its not that he cannot change destinies, its not that human's cannot reach to state of imaan of angels and ahead, as Allah's Apostle sallallahu alahi wa sallam pointed out once that: be aware that pen has dried of ink after writing, of what it has to be and how and why from start till end.Now its only your personal relation between Him and you , so cry, beg, be truthful to HIM the almighty, so that things can change.And always be patient with whatever befalls, and submit to His will.Also He has told that none of your supplications will go waste, if not here , but surely in hereafter they will be paid off.This is for your friend who thinks things are predestined.

    May Allah have mercy upon me if intentionallay or unintentionally I have written something wrong in Allah's name or His beloved prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam's name.

    Allah Hafiz wa Nasir

  3. ASSALAMUALIKUM sister 2 anna, hope u feel good after reading the above responses well my answer may not be the best but little bit usefull, what i wanna say is that before doing something like marrying him or like advising him or something like taking him to any of the scholars u just make istikhara ,u know what istikhara is right, if u have any problem or if u r tensed for any situation u always have to look for a bonanza and what i think is the best thing to do is istikhara u ask for guidance and ask Him for a solution he may not answer u today but may tomorrow or the day after, i m sure that this will work out but even if u feel like u will not get solution or if u have tried then u do one thing and i.e before going to bed u abolute and recite surah shams,layl and teen 7 seven times and ask ALLAH for a solution u may not get the answer the first night then try on the second night as ALLAH has promised to answer within seven nights i mean he will show u the way for your problem in your dreams, honestly!!!!!!!!!!!! i tried this for my personal problem and i got the solution so, even u try it u will surely discover the way.GOOD LUCK !!!!!!!

    • Suzain, Walaykumsalaam,

      Recommending the sister to do Istikhara is a good thing. However, we need to make sure we do istikhara according to Quran and Sunnah. I have not read anywhere in the Quran and Sunnah that Allah has promised to give an answer in seven nights or that we should read Surah Shams, Layl and Teen seven times for istikhaara.

      Please click on the following link to find out how to perform Istikhara correctly, according to Quran and Sunnah:
      http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/

      JakahkhAllah,

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • WALAIKUMASSALAM sister z,
        u got me wrong that is the other thing i told her to do i meant that if istikhara doesnt works out then u do this as our prophet [S.A.W] narrated in one his hadith that if a person doesnt finds a solution to any of his problem then let him do this that he will perform wodhu before going to bed and then recite surah shams,layl and teen 7 times and pray or ask for a solution from ALLAH and he proceeded saying that he may answer the first night if not, try it the second night,if not then try it the third, just try it for seven nights in that way, and ALLAH has promised that HE WILL answer it in any of the seven nights.This was the thing that i meant !!!!!!!!!! . and for example if u get the answer on the 1st night itself then dont try it anymore, if u dont get the answer then try it on as explained above.

        • Thats interesting Suzain, although I havent read this as a hadith either.

          Can you provide the source for it please, as we should be very careful before claiming that Rasool(sws) or Allah(swt) have said such and such.

          Thank you dear sister,

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Salaams..., i think there are some misunderstanding that need to be cleared.. ''he says that he cant understand how god exist if we have both free will and faith. He says that means everything we do was god will, that we actually dont have choice and it an illusion'''.. This is absolutely not true.. The secrete is Allah KNOWS ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED, ALL THAT IS HAPPENING AND ALL THINGS THAT ARE YET TO HAPPEN. HE is the ALL KNOWING GOD.. He knows what has happened to you in the past, what is happening to you, what would happen to you in the next few minutes, next ten or twenty years, and in that sense what would happen to you after your death., if someone does an evil deed, he is responsible for his action since Allah has given him a free will to do good or bad deeds but he would be held responsible for his actions on judgement day... Allah did not willed it for him to do such even but Allah knows in his knowledge that he would commit such evil.. So to say, Allah has given us the free will to choose between good or bad, to choose between paradise or hell fire., if you want paradise then you obey His orders and follow His path - His religion.. And if you want to enter Hell fire, then keep on disobeying Him, keep on with the evil deeds and disbelieves.. Its a free world and this freedom was given by Allah to two kind of creatures ie the mankind and the jiin kind.. The angels were not given this freedom. Since there creation, the only know to serve and worship Allah. Some of them were in the ruku'u (bowing position) since the time they were created and will remain like that (praising and glorifying Allah) untill judgement day, some are in protrating position etc... So i think with this humble response of mine, the misunderstanding is corrected. . . . ALLAH KNOWS BESTs

    • Sorry there is error where i wrote protracting, i wanted to write prostration ie sujud.. More to add, you know sister, sometimes human beings are soo ungrateful.. Had it been Allah refuses to give this free will to human beings, the story would have change and become as tough. Let me give you an example, for instance you are used to your clubing, patying, zina and all that. Then Allah now send an angel with a stick strips to be watching you, so any time you commit any sin or you refuse to offer salat prayer, the angel will start beating you mercelessly., what do you think will be the response of humans??? Of course people would be under bondage and no free will and every one will be thinking Allah is merciless. everyone will be in constant torment because it's our nature to sin... But Allah gave us the free will to choose between good or evil in this world, and in hereafter you will face the consequences of your action.. Whilst in this world, Allah will forgive your sins if you seek his forgiveness and those sin may be changed to good deeds in your record book (account) with Allah, or at least the sins would be erased and you won't see them on judgement day.. We have to be happy that we are muslims sister.

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