Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Friend considering ‘suicide’


Assalamu Alaikum

This is the 3rd time I have asked for an answer on this site - but this time, on a much more 'serious' question.

I am a 58 year old lady living in Australia and have fallen in love with a wonderful 30 year old young man from Jordan.  It actually never started out that way, at all. We started chatting on Facebook, and over a period of around 3 weeks, he said he had fallen in love with me. I have never  questioned his sincerity with that regard and after talking to him I believe him to be very sincere.

I did tell him that I was 'too old' for him, but he said he wasn't worried about the age difference at all. Besides, he said he doesn't want children, if that's what I was worried about.

He also said he's not interested in my money, or Visas or Passports, or anything like that, at all. He just says "he knows what's in his heart."

He's asked me to marry him several times and live in Jordan with him, but, that is where the problem lies.

I know it is important for a man to give a wife a 'dowry' and have a house and all the 'nice' things in life. To me, I would rather have 'nothing' than not have him in my life!!

He was working in a Hotel around 12 months ago but that came to an end as he was only in 'training' at the time.  He has had no work since then, unfortunately.

He scared the daylights out of me last night by saying that he was considering committing suicide. I asked him "why" would he even 'think' of doing that after saying he loved me. Why would he do that and leave me and his family, behind, to grieve?

His answer was that he has no work, no money, no house, no phone, no laptop, and no car and he lives at home with this parents.  He says his parents don't 'care' about him and all they do is 'nag' him about not having work to go to. He has such 'low self-esteem'  and he seems so depressed at the moment, I'm at a loss trying to talk him 'out' of committing suicide.

I've just sat there for at least an hour or more last night trying to make him change his mind. He says there are things that he does 'want' to do, first, before he goes ahead with his plans.

Then, he told me, according to him, we ARE married!! How?

There has been no contract, no witnesses and no Imam to make it legal!!  I'm positive I've never said we were married!!  Why would he say that? Or is he trying to manipulate me in some way, and for what reasons?

I won't be 'used' for someone's 'selfish' reasons, either!!  As soon as I say "we are not married" legally, he says to stop saying that or he 'will' go ahead and "die," as he puts it!!

I'm just so upset by this I just can't stop crying and I really don't know what else to do!!  He seems to have extremely deep depression, and he says that I'll find somebody else again as there a lot of men out there who would want me. I would forget him very quickly, he says.

I'm just hope he hasn't done this to somebody else, as well.

I don't 'sleep around' as I am not that kind of person.  I am trying to be a good 'new' Muslima, but he has me at a loss, "why" he is doing this to me!!

I have only ever had the 1 man in my life and we were married for 20 years and had 2 wonderful children. I now have 3 beautiful grandchildren.

He knows I am a converted Muslim woman around 6 months ago and he says I am a good woman. So, I can't understand it! I don't feel he is respecting me in this way.

Can someone 'please' tell me what to do or how to cope with this?  I don't want to wake up one morning to the news that he has gone ahead with this, if that IS his TRUE intention.

I don't know what else I can do!!

His family have no idea that he is planning this and I feel so much for them.

Please, can anybody give me any advice on how to handle this?

If I AM being manipulated by him, this is such a cruel way to go about it!!

I know I need to get away from him, but how do I do this?

Not to mention: He has asked me to undulge in sex, via Skype, and I have refused to do so.  He says I don't love him if I don't do that.  He says he will commit suicide, if I don't agree to this.

Why? We are in Ramadan and to me, that is wrong to do that even if it is via Skype!!!  He just about 'demands' it and I am trying to 'fast' during the day, but it doesn't seem to bother him though.  He says it 'doesn't' apply to sex via Skype during Ramadan.   I have told him it does and I 'will not', under any circumstances, change my mind!!

I've been reading the Qur'an daily to try and find an answer but I don't know where to start or what to do to resolve this.

I want to delete him from my contact list, but I don't know to do this without him retaliating, in some way.



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11 Responses »

  1. He is a fake manipulater who wants money and sex out of you. Most internet relations are fake and scams.

  2. He is trying to emotionally blackmail you. He seems like a nut case. Break off all contact with him. And pray to Allah for safety and happiness.

  3. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    Sister, decent muslim men do not do a number of things that this man has done according to you:

    1. They won't threaten to commit suicide. They know that this means automatic hellfire, and no one wants that.
    2. They don't ask non mahrem women to engage in sexual acts or even passionate flirting.
    3. They won't claim to be married to someone without the valid components, as you mentioned.

    I can assure you that there are a LOT of God-fearing men all over the world who would not do any of those things, and would keep your conversations stress free and within the boundaries of Islam. To me, what he is doing can't be classified as anything but manipulation.

    If I were you, I would go ahead and delete all contact with him and cut ties. Whatever he does to himself as a response is between him and Allah only; it's not on your head at all. Don't let him guilt you into some type of responsibility that you don't have, just to keep a connection that really is unhealthy.

    I perceive that you have gotten a bit emotionally invested in the course of knowing this man, and that's understandable when you are sincerely seeking someone for marriage. But when it's clear the other person is not as sincere as you or not on a healthy functional level, there is no point in keeping it going.

    There is nothing wrong with looking to meet and marry a man who was born and raised in Muslim lands, so if that's your preference Alhamdulillah. However you have to be very saavy to avoid manipulators and scams, and know how to weed the genuine from the insincere. Personally, I don't think you've gotten enough of a foundation Islamically to start tackling that on your own. I suggest that, after you cut ties with him, you wait a while before looking for a spouse again. Spend that time strengthening your iman and knowledge of islam and fiqh. You will be able to measure men by how well they follow sharia and have taqwa, but how can you assess that if you barely know it yourself?

    After some time, you can start looking around again, but I strongly suggest you have an older, more experienced muslim sister helping you sort through prospects. That way someone will have your back objectively in case you get swept off your feet again.

    -Amy Editor

  4. OP: Not to mention: He has asked me to undulge in sex, via Skype, and I have refused to do so. He says I don't love him if I don't do that. He says he will commit suicide, if I don't agree to this.......Why? We are in Ramadan and to me, that is wrong to do that even if it is via Skype!!! He just about 'demands' it and I am trying to 'fast' during the day, but it doesn't seem to bother him though. He says it 'doesn't' apply to sex via Skype during Ramadan. I have told him it does and I 'will not', under any circumstances, change my mind!!

    ............ if you do cybersex with him "he will not commit suicide". Well Ramadan or not you are na-mahram to him and there should be no sexual stuff any time.

    Just curious how many men have you met from Jordon on the Internet and what pecentage of these men asked to do skype sex with you.

    • Salaam,

      Thank you to everyone who has given their opinion. Very much appreciated.

      Since my question has been posted, I have severed all ties with this young man, and I have no 'regrets' in doing so.

      I said nothing to him and just 'deleted' his profile from my account............what he did after that, is something he will have to explain to Allah!!

      To answer your question: "How many men have you met from Jordan and what percentage of these men asked to do Skype sex with you?"

      The answer: He has been the ONLY ONE I have met who has done so. I have several wonderful Muslim friends (both male and female), around the world, and they have been absolutely very polite and have treated me with the utmost respect, at all times, and very strict in their Islamic faith.

      They have helped me so much in helping me with Arabic to say the daily prayers, which is required. I'm not 'perfect' with it, but I am trying my hardest to be a good Muslima as I can - albeit a converted one!!

      I read the Qur'an daily and I feel something is missing if I don't read it daily. That, I think, is what has kept me 'strong' with my faith in dealing with this young man.

      I pray at home most of the time as there is no Masjid where I live and a very small Muslim community.

      Maybe, someday, I will find the ''right' man to marry, and share our faith together...............

      Again, thank you to everyone who has given their most welcome advice............

      It is very much appreciated.

  5. Dear new muslima...
    He is not such kind of men to be considered by any practicing muslima. AGAIN -DONT TRY TO HAVE ANY KIND OF CONTACT TO THIS GUY---HE WILL DESTROY YOUR IMAAN.

    Thanks and regards.

  6. I can't believe he is 30 and acting in such a manner, It's very immature and not to mention haram.

    Don't let this "man" manipulate you in such a way, you deserve better!

  7. Asalaam Walaikum My sister.

    He is a blatent Scammer. The fact you are soo concerned it shows how pure and beautiful your heart is Masha'Allah.

    You is trying to take advantage of your kindness simply put. Alhandulillah your Imaan is high hence you have abstained from anything that you would surely regret.

    Delete him and forget him. He isnt your problem and like others have said you wont be questions for his actions on the day of Judgement ... he'll be questioned for them.

    May Allah SWT bless you with Jannat ul Firdous and Bless you with Goodness in this life and hearafter. And May Allah SWT Guide the Brother onto the right path.

    And May Allah forgive me if I have said anythin wrong.

    Ameen. Asalaam Walaikum.

  8. Salaam sister
    Whilst reading your post i felt very concerned for yourself and the one thing that kept popping up in my mind is that its all a scam. I am glad that you have refused his demand for sex via skype because only Allah knows he could then go to blackmail you with your video pics etc for anything he wants. Clearly his threat for suicide has concerned you but that is because you have a soft heart. Some people use this characteristic against people to get their selfish desires out of them

    Get rid of him and dont look back its not fair on you to keep getting upset and spending so much of your time and energy trying to coax this guy out of committing suicide, you have done your part its no point repeating the same thing again and again after every threat. In this time you can be doing other important things.
    And one more thing that niggling feeling you have about him manipulating you isnt you being selfish or hard hearted towards another human being. Its your heart that has raised the alarm and telling you to watch your back. Stay away from him and delete him from your contacts.

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