Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My friend’s husband had a past relationship

Assalamu Alaikum. I'm writing this on behalf of my friend. I hope you would help me with your answers.

My friend is married to a loving and pious husband who takes care of her like a queen. They are married since 6 years. Before marriage her husband told her "I will tell you all about my past because I love you so much and dont wanna hide anything". She too said ok. After marriage he told her TWO years before meeting my friend he had an affair with a girl and was intending to marry her and had kissed hugged but not intimacy, and at that time he wasn't much into Islam. Then he regretted his sin, did thawba, hated that girl and constantly made dua to get a pious wife. Now Alhamdulillah he is masha Allah such a pious man in all that he does.

But since these 6 years my friend constantly imagines that him being with that girl and hurts. She cries always and is always depressed about his past. Is she sinning by doing this? What should my friend do to accept his present and understand him?

JazakkAllah khair. Please do reply asap.

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24 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    If your friend has been feeling this way for 6 years, she needs professional help. For one, these events took place in his past well before he met and married her. For two, in the years he has been married to her, he has treated her well and been faithful. She is living in a reality that is not actually happening, and she apparently cannot stop it on her own.

    If she really wants to show honor to her husband and value to her marriage, she will seek help for this. A good counselor will be able to help her resolve her obsessive thoughts about what happened and find peace.

    However, if she refuses to get help, it might mean she is not really wanting to move past this. A relationship cannot survive without mutual respect, and it would be really hard for a man to continue to respect a woman who not only brings up a past that has nothing to do with her, but needs constant reassurance about where she stands in his life even after he's proven himself over several years.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Life is so tricky .
    He had affair with some woman but got a pious wife .There are men/women in the world who don't indulge in any sins before marriage but later find themselves married to some one who has some dirty past .

    Marriage is a kind of GAMBLING .

    But despite all ,More important factor in marriage is PRESENT .If some one is good at PRESENT and there is less possibility of him/her to indulge in Haram STUFF in future then i think there should be some effort to save this relation ship .If can't do by yourself take the help of some professional ..May Allah help her .

    • I don't agree with you at all as it goes directly against the Ayah from the Qur'an

      "Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women; such are innocent of that which people say: For them is pardon and a bountiful provision."

      http://quran.com/24/26

      The institution of marriage is something which brings peace and tranquility to our lives, which keeps us sane in a world that is drowning in insanity.

      It is a beautiful thing that Allah has given us for our moral, emotional and spiritual support in dunya.
      To get to the point, note how Allah speaks about forgiveness in the same Ayah. The past/virginity of the person does not determine if they are "Pious", Piety is what you are at your present state. You should keep in mind that most of the Sahaba and some great scholars were pretty "messed up" in their past, and Allah raised them to ranks of people who attained Jannah on earth.

      The point being if Allah has forgiven our past why should others care about it. Like many comments have been suggesting, the sister needs professional help, it may be that Shaytaan is using this to ruin her institution of marriage.

      I don't know if this would help the sister in any way but my wife before she got married to me(Alhamdulillah May Allah bless her for being the sweet heart she is) was in an affair with someone for 2.5 years and she gave up on her relationship for the sake of Allah and for her mother who did not like it , she told me all about it the before she married me, I fell in love with her even more due to her sincerity and Wallahi this is no exaggeration I have never seen anyone love anyone like how she loves me.

      At first this thing was bothering me for like a couple of weeks then I realized that her past is not what defines her, it is her present, she is now a student of the deen and is very passionate about her studies.

      If Allah has forgiven her then whom am I to hold onto that and make our lives miserable. Besides Allah will not probe her past after He has forgiven her, so why Should I ?

      • I belive Quran and Hadith blindly but not sure about this verse and it's exact meanING. Some one religious scholar can explain in detail here about it ?

  3. JazakkAllah.pls i need some more positive responses for my friend

  4. mashallah she got such an honest person who loves his wife, treat her wel, even shared his secrets with her. ask ur friend what else she wants? she should thank Allah for gifting her such a loyal life partner.

    tell ur friend she is behaving so unthankful to Allah and that she should stop doing that

  5. SubhanAllah she's being ungrateful. I understand it may be hard to get past that shock initially but it is in the past and there's nothing either of them can do about it. He was honest with her and honesty is so rare to find nowadays, what happened in his past is between him and Allah and not for his wife to get so upset over, nobody is perfect and Allah put us in the dunya knowing we'll make mistakes and the objective is to turn back and repent to him allowing our mistakes to bring us closer to Him. MashaAllah based on your words he treats her very well, what more could she want? A mistake is a mistake, we cannot change the past no matter how hard we try, but you can fix your present and work at a better future and mashaAllah it seems that is what he has done. It must have taken a lot for him to tell her that he messed up in the past, she should appreciate that and let it go now. I'm sure it hurts him just as much or maybe even more than it hurts her.

  6. I think you have to forget his past. Be grateful he was honest that shows he had a clean heart to begin with your friend.

    Past is the past, PRESENT is what counts. Main thing is he treats your friend really well, looks after her like a queen. These days its so hard to even find such a person. May Allah help her and make it easy and she realise that she is the LUCKY ONE.

  7. Salam Sis,

    It is not uncommon for someone to feel like this. Most of the times its men who cant get over their wife having a relationship before marriage. Some men are very jealous. For a women its more to do with how much she loves her husband. I think your friend loves her husband so much that she cannot imagine him ever being affectionate to another women.

    It may also be insecurity. There maybe something more that she needs from her husband to give her that assurance that she is his number 1 and she is much better then his former relationship. There are people who are extremely insecure and sensitive then others. She needs to be open to her husband and explain the way she is feeling and that she cant help it because she loves him so much. They can then take it from there. Having digs at the spouse or cursing them about their sins causes problems, at least she is not doing that.

    Ask her one thing; would she rather have a husband that had no past but is a horrible person now and is treating her badly and having affairs? or would she rather have a husband who was a sinner in the past, but is a pious person who treats her like a queen now?

    Which is better? Most people will go for the latter. I think any women would be grateful to be in her shoes! Tell her to have a look at all the other posts of women being treated like dirt by their husbands! Then she will realize how happy she should be Insha Allah.

    The past is history! Its the present that matters, which will determine your future.

    • WalaikumSalam sis..Her husband never asked her of her past and he told her about his.She keeps asking questions about his previous girl like how she looks like,how he admired her,how he did this and that with her etc..He already told her he loves my friend more than that girl and even if my friend dies he wont marry again coz he loves my friend so much.my friend compares herself to his
      previous girl and gets angry with her husband;(
      Please help;( My friend reads all your comments.

  8. Assalaamualaikam

    I'm concerned that your friend may be becoming obsessed with this part of her husband's past. It is natural to feel a little upset at the thought of a spouse with another, but this happened years ago and from the sounds of things her husband has now repented and changed for the better. By continuing to ruminate on this, she's risking damaging the relationship they have - this may well be very upsetting for her husband, to have opened up about his past and have it held against him for years.

    What's past is past. Leave it there and look to building a future, inshaAllah.

    I would strongly suggest that your friend contacts a counsellor to work through this, and to understand and address the issues causing this to still bring so much pain and insecurity.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  9. i also agree with midnightmoon. if she will be asking her husband about this past relationship again and again.,, this will not only ruin their own relationship but also her husband will become conscious and will not tell any truth of his life to his wife in future.

    he will avoid being open to his wife as he will notice that she is not taking his sincerity in a positive way instead she is behaving like a typical woman and may be he then choose to remain reserved with his wife

    ask ur friend ..if this thing happened.,,if her loving husband changed to a reserved one.. will she be able to bear that?

    see..her husband is a humanbeing.. if she will create such frustrating situations for him, showing her upset mood to him, questioning and talking about same thing again and again, he may get irritated some day. if he is being truthful with her,,he will not be expecting such reaction from her at all

    dont put him to test..dont test his patience. just go on and start enjoying ur married life. provide him a good environment.. when he spends time with u, forget questioning about other woman instead attend him with a smile, make urself look more beautiful.. discuss with him about ur own life's betterment.

    men love those women who ease and comfort them with their acts.. and they get irritated by those who create a tense situation or talk too much.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      What exactly is a "typical woman"'s behaviour, then? Women make up about half the world's population, and are just as diverse in terms of culture, values, thinking processes and behaviour as men.

      If I were to describe someone as behaving like a "typical man", I would be criticised as being sexist, and rightly so.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  10. You should provoke your friend to look at her own past. Someone so vividly being able to imagine another person's experience doesn't seem to be that much indifferent to it herself.

    Sister all of us have a dirty past. You dig the past it gets dirty.

    And brothers and sisters (happens to both of them) when they find out about someone else's past, they just forget where they came from. Please tell her to face her those memories which no one else knows besides herself and Allah (swt).

  11. @midnightmoon . few behavioral traits are particular to females. they are more sensitive ..emotional. where as in contrast men show emotional stability, dominance etc

  12. My friend is reading all ur comments and shes regretting for hurting her husband after reading these..Please do give her some more advises regarding this and if someone has gone through a similar situation pls do share as wel.
    JazakkAllah khair.

  13. Actually your friend did mistake by sharing his past sin..Allah doesn't like share sin instead he like to ask forgiveness....one thing i request to ur friend is to memorize all 99 names of Allah with her husband..in shaa Allah, Allah will remove all such negative things from heart of ur friend...actually ur friend is lucky she got a good husband..

  14. Assalamu alaikum..if someone has gone through a similar situation please share here..it would be a big help for my friend..can someone tell me how she should accepr the past and let it go nd concentrate on the present.pls..now her husband feels frustrated as she repeatedly hurts him.

    • I don't know if this would help the sister in any way but my wife before she got married to me(Alhamdulillah May Allah bless her for being the sweet heart she is) was in an affair with someone for 2.5 years and she gave up on her relationship for the sake of Allah and for her mother who did not like it . She was fighting tooth and nail to get married to this dude with her family, went as far as disobeying her mother in most instances.

      She told me all about it the before she married me, I fell in love with her even more due to her sincerity and Wallahi this is no exaggeration I have never seen anyone love anyone like how she loves me.

      At first this thing was bothering me for like a couple of weeks then I realized that her past is not what defines her, it is her present, she is now a student of the deen and is very passionate about her studies.

      If Allah has forgiven her then whom am I to hold onto that and make our lives miserable. Besides Allah will not probe her past after He has forgiven her, so why Should I ?

      The thing that helped me overcome the problem was 3 main things.

      1. My wife Alhamdulillah is so wonderful, loving, adventurous, to sum it up rare that I would not have anybody else as my wife because she complements my character beautifully. She loves me so much that she does the most creative things to show her love and affection to me, sends me random texts drenched with love and affection , does special things at the most boring times :-). So I would rather have her as my wife that have some one who has not past but is not compatible with me, does not love me as much as her.

      2. I loved her innocence, sincerity and devotion that she had for me,I told her she does not need to tell me anything about her past if she had one and I was totally cool with it(I did so cuz I thought "what you don't know can't hurt you"), yet she persisted and told me that I should not build an image of her which is not honest and told me the entire ordeal but she skipped things like name, personality etc ... which would make it personal to me. Also she said she felt really bad for him that he virtually "dumped" him for the sake of Allah and asked me to include him in my duas so that Allah should give her ex some one who is better than her. She still says that her ex is a nice guy and he should get a nice girl, but never brings it up for any reason. We have a non written rules which is do not bring a third person into our "buddy-zone", not even our parents. It is something intimate, special and reserved only for us and Yeah not even out kids, Insha Allah when we have them will be allowed them into it.

      3. It hurt me when I knew that my wife who loves me so much had once loved another guy, but that is gone, I made lots of dua to Allah and Alhamdulillah there are not traces of it in me now. She still says if there is one thing she could have changed about her life it would have been that part of her life when she had this affair, she wishes how she could have only loved me that is enough for me (She does not hate her ex, considers him her brother in Islam and respects him for his good Ahlaaq). She Alhamdulillah has gone so far to stay out of touch with non-mahram she does not even show her face to her first cousins. That is how loyal she is to me. I can take her past and dance with it, but it ain;t gonna change the past, what is done is done and Allah has nothing but the best plans reserved for us, but it is upto us to make it best use of it or whine about how "if only things were better".

      Hope this helps your friend sister, I recommend her getting closer to Allah and opening up to him about the state of her heart and He will definetely help her as he did for me.

      Alhamdulillah

      • JazakkAllah khair for sparing your precious time and replying me.Im marvelled with your story Masha Allah.may Allah bless your relationship abundantly.
        My friend's story is also somewhat similar to yours.this guy was loyal to my friend.he spoke everything to my friend.Masha Allah hes a practising guy nd does everything to make her happy and loved.He too ddnt say his ex's name or features instead he said she had good qualities.but my friend forced him to say the girl's name and her feature.
        He,left his ex because she wasnt a muslim nd he gave up for the sake of Allah.my friend is blessed to have him coz i havent seen any guy more loving and caring to his wife and kid like this guy.
        Your story should really be an eye opener for her.This would in shaa Allah surely help my friend.

      • SubhanAllah, words of wisdom: "her past is not what defines her, it is her present"

  15. Salaam Sister,
    If your friend is still having issues then there are other things to consider and then think about it
    1. Allah will test everyone and what if this is your friend's test, if she fails this one then ready for another hard test
    2. has she done any major sin that he might have not done (backbiting, skipping prayers, rude to parents etc)
    3. if she leaves him or if he leaves her then where is she going to go, does she want to live her life as a single divorcee or if she finds some other man then who knows what he might have done in his past and if he really shares the information with her or what if this new man will indulge himself into zina in future and also treat her bad... why would this new man who has never involved himself in any relationship wants to marry a girl who is divorcee and not virgin

    Sister, all these points are those which I had/have to think to stay connected to my wife who spent 6+ years in some relationship and then ended up that relationship but still stayed in contact with him... even on the marriage night when I came out of the washroom she told me that her friend called to wish her for wedding (at that time I did not know about her past, so I just nodded my head).... of course after finding out about her past, I had to make her understand of what she did and how this is going to hurt me my whole life.

    Five years have gone now, she never called him again... we have a two years old son whom we both love a lot

    My recommendation to your friend is that she has to keep this marriage intact and strive hard to make it better, or let her husband make it better and she just goes with the flow as a good wife and fulfill her responsibilities without bringing the past again and keep this in mind that this is the test and Allah will give you the best reward for your patience here and/or in the akhirah.

    Regards,
    Akbar

  16. salams can the editors please delete this post?

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