Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Very shy and frightened about marriage and sex.

Assalamu alaikum.

Like many Muslimahs, my parents expect me to marry after I finish my degree, and they will probably find some suitable men for me to consider. The problem is that I am very shy, and often struggle with talking to people and trusting people, even simply making friends becomes difficult for me, and it takes me a long time to grow close even to my female friends (although, after some time, this uneasiness does go away).

Since I am not allowed to mix with men in a 'dating' capacity, I will probably get engaged to someone with little contact prior to the marriage, and this frightens me very much. I have no doubt in my parents ability to find me a help me find a 'good', religious husband, but my struggle to feel comfortable around new people is a real worry, specifically, the prospect of having sex.

I will be expected, on my wedding night, to have intimate relations with someone who might as well be a stranger in my eyes. I realise he will be my husband, and my family will make sure he is 'right' and that Islamically, this is the way to do things, but the idea of allowing a man to touch me and see me undressed when I barely know him, however good a man he might be, is quite uncomfortable and scary. Sex is my marital duty, but even the thought of having some man all over me when I can barely hug a female friend just fills me with dread.

I am worried he wont like me, and that as a result of my problems, our whole wedding night will be a disaster, for some poor man will be stuck with this silly, overly timid girl who will be petrified of him. I'm sure that over time, I will feel comfortable around him, but until then...? What if he gets bored? What if I make him unhappy?

For this reason, getting married really worries me, and I know how stupid it all sounds, and it's probably not normal, but I don't really know what to do about these feelings and it's not really something I can discuss with anyone. Advice please?

Thank you and may Allah bless you.

-aj


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5 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum, sister aj,

    Your worries are perfectly normal and don´t think you are the only one, this is normal. You are still young, but be sure that at the time the right person arrives to your door, you will feel different insha´Allah.

    Something you will have in mind not to be so scared is that you can tell your husband that you need a little time to get intimate, that you need him to approach to you not all at the same time, I am sure that if he is a good man, he will be patience with you and he will make you feel comfortable and will wait until you are ready to receive him. Once you married, you will learn not to feel shy on showing your affection to your husband, tell him about your fears and he may have his own fears too, you can grow up together on this insha´Allah.

    You don´t have any problems, you are pure and innocent that is all, you are perfect and the man that approachs to you for marriage will be able to value your innocence and be patience with you, insha´Allah.

    Everytime these negative thoughts come to your mind, look for refuge on Allah(swt) , make duas, read the Quran, read about our Prophet´s wives lives, learn the Names and Atributes of Allah(swt) , my beloved sister, there is so much to do instead of thinking negative, that the tnegative thoughts will be scared of approaching to you. Get closer to Allah(swt), go deeper in your deen, strengthen your Iman, and all this ghosts will dissapear on the air as what they are, just smoke, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Or you could ask your parents not to get you and the man they pick for you married right away. Get to know him and see if he's a nice guy and if you're comfortable around him. If not, tell your folks as they are not allowed to force you into marriage. An easier route would just be to find your own man. Lots of muslims do it (assuming you're from the west), and you'll be sure you are comfortable before marriage. Just my 2 cents.

  3. before you get married, you can ask the man if he is willing to be patient for a few days weeks if it takes you whilst you get to know him and your shyness fades away.
    if he says yes, alhamdulillaah.
    but im not sure how many people would wait long.

    you can refer to the post "is it madetory to have sex on the first night"
    to see the different view points of different people.

  4. you are a very utterly innocent girl

  5. I feel the exact same as you. My personality is just like you mentioned. The idea of marriage and the first night freaks me out. Even meeting my prospective spouse is scary because my contact with men is rare and I'm also shy which makes it much harder.

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