Islamic marriage advice and family advice

From a hopeless gay Muslimah

I can't seem to master my thoughts

Salamou 3aleikoum.

I am a young Arab woman. I am a practicing Muslim and very proud to be. My religion is the most important thing in my life and my dream is to become the best Muslim I can be.

I have one major problem though: I am gay. I have been attracted to women since I can remember. I know some people think it’s a psychological disease, but in my case at least, it’s not. I was born that way. I had a very normal and happy childhood. Nothing made me become a lesbian, I just am.

It’s not something I am proud of, and I have tried everything possible to “change”. Over and over, I try rejecting the attraction, I forbid myself to even think about it, I do a lot of “dhikr” and I plead Allah to purify my heart. But it keeps coming back and eating me alive.

Al hamdoulillah, I have never had a romantic relationship with a woman, and I NEVER will. Whenever I feel attracted to a girl, I look the other way and I forbid myself to think about her. I am not interested in living out my desires because I fear Allah and I know that someday I will die and have to face Him on Judgment Day.

Sometimes, to help me ease my frustration, I write romantic lesbian stories for myself, so I can express my feelings and live them out in my imagination. Is that wrong?

I also enjoy watching movies and series that have lesbian love stories in them but I NEVER watch anything with nudity or pornographic content, I am repulsed by that kind of things.

I tried marriage. I was married for almost 2 years. I tried very hard to focus all my love and attention on my husband. It didn’t help. I got divorced a few months ago.

What kills me the most is that my family and my friends don’t know who I really am. Sometimes, when I look at my mother, I wonder: would she still love me if she knew who I really am?

Am I a bad person?

Please give me your honest opinion.

- angelmr

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32 Responses »

  1. Dear 'Angelmr', Asalaamualaikum,

    Sister - if more of us Muslims were strong enough to control our desires for the sake of Allah(swt), this would be a much better place to live in. I think you are a strong individual because you are facing the truth as it is, without trying to twist Islam to make gay and lesbian acts acceptable. Many people do this, so may Allah reward you for knowing, accepting and loving what the truth is and may He(swt) reward you for knowing, accepting and hating what is false. If you are protecting your chastity, doing your best to repel falsehood, are observing Allah's commands and are always trying to better your character, then you are a striving Muslimah.

    You are obviously going through a very difficult test, one which maybe be due to a chemical imbalance or it could be a psychological issue. I pray there is some solution for you inshaAllah. Have you tried to seek help from a counsellor for this?

    I do not think you are a bad person at all. If your lesbian feelings do not leave your mind/heart and you cannot contemplate being with a man, all I can say is that this must be your test in life. It is a very difficult one too because as humans, we all need companionship. Sister, keep trying to strive towards Allah, He(swt) will surely reward you for this. Continue protecting your chastity and devote your life to worshipping Allah and doing other halaal things.

    I do not know how your mother will react if you tell her. Maybe if she has a strong grasp of faith, she maybe able to understand you and furthermore be proud of you because you have remained steadfast in Allah's way.

    I hope one of my co-editors will be able to give you some practical advice inshaAllah.

    Keep strong my sister, may Allah make this difficulty easy for you,

    SisterZ
    x

    SisterZ

    • I do not agree with everything that 'troubled' has written, but her post reminded me that I forgot to address a very important point. Which was:

      In order to continue fighting against having gay thoughts/desires, I believe you must completely refrain from watching, reading and writing any stories that promote this ideology. Allowing yourself to indulge in even thinking or reading about being gay in a positive light will only fuel desire. Furthermore, to my understanding, it is not halaal for anyone but married couples to indulge in discussion about sexual matters unless it be for academic/learning purposes, so watching, reading, writing about such matters for no 'constructive' purpose cannot in my opinion be halaal or healthy, hence the same would apply even moreso to homosexual thoughts. So I would most definitely advise you to steer absolutely clear.

      Allah did make us perfect, so I pray that with the right help, treatment and determination on your behalf, you manage to expel these feelings from your mind.

      In the meant time occupy your time and mind with rememberance of Allah.

      SisterZ

  2. Salaams,

    You say to ease your frustrations you write stories etc and you enjoy watching movies and series with this subject in. This completely contrasts with your Dhikr and is not only a conflict of worship but it is exacerbating your 'condition'.
    The problem with the 'modern' world is it heavily promotes homosexuality. Through music, films and advertising. This is a masterplan of evil ones who wish to destroy the concept a family. Man, wife and offspring. It is not natural at all, Allah's laws can not be altered by man through the shaytaan. You were not born this way, no one is. You have subconsciously exposed yourself to this and you are imposing this belief on yourself that you are gay.
    I'm sorry but the way you tell your story is that you expect sympathy as you despair over your mother's reaction and that you are a good muslim etc. However, you choose to encourage these perverse feelings by writing stories etc.
    Just remind yourself that this is repulsive, reprehensible and you had a chance to cure yourself of these evil unnatural urges when you were married.
    Completely stop perpetuating these unnatural feelings before it consumes you. It may well be your test, I feel sorry for you that it is.

  3. Salaam Wafa,

    First of all I would like to commend you for expressing something that is difficult to talk about in our community, but something I have seen a lot of.

    The religious aspects seem to have been covered, and you seem to be well versed on them so I shall talk to you now about female homosexuality and lust.

    Female homosexuality is different to male homosexuality. A well cited study called “A Sex Difference in the Specificity of Sexual Arousal" in the journal of Psychological Science, tested sexual arousal in males and females who were of different sexual orientation. What they found is that gay men showed consistent arousal patterns when shown images of same sex relations, whereas females responded the same way for same sex and male/female sex relations. Similarly, straight men did not get aroused by images of other men. What they concluded from this is that male homosexuality and choice is largely dictated by arousal patterns, whereas women’s sexual orientation was not linked to sexual arousal – women who choose the homosexual life, are not following sexual desire. It is something else. What that something else is differs from female to female.

    At our counseling charity we ran a workshop for people who were trying to come to terms with their sexual orientation. The male group was largely about sexual activity and pleasure, they would become aroused around men and not at all aroused around women. The females were completely different: often they cited cases of relationship trauma at some stage in their lives. Some had been molested, others raped, others were made to feel tremendously guilty growing up about fancying boys and had developed same-sex attraction as a result, others felt degraded by the sexual act thanks to their first ever sexual experience, and others just had “enough of men”, some had had an abortion in their youth and were traumatized by that, and so did not want to have sex with a man again for fear that it would lead to another pregnancy and another abortion, some had overbearing or absent fathers, and some did not know why they wanted to be with females but they did. Most of the time, same sex attraction had developed in the females due to some kind of traumatic experience or sexual guilt that they were either aware of, or had suppressed. Some wanted to punish their parents or partners though an act of defiance. Many of the participants went on to have relationships with men, and some remained with women. The great fact remains though that female homosexuality is not sexually driven as gay females still experience arousal when shown sexual images of men and women, with no difference in arousal when they are shown women and women.

    Lesbian relationships often start out as close emotional friendships, and an already established connection - whereas male and female do not have the same kind of friendship and therefore cannot experience the same level of trust and close emotional bonding, and lesbian's are often lesbian as an alternative to complete abstinence. Females who require emotional closeness and tenderness to enjoy the sexual act, and women regard men as largely incapable of these things which is why they choose women over men. Often, what sparks of a woman's homosexuality is a feeling of being used by the male as an assistant to the male's sexual pleasure - with little or no concern for the female's experience. They feel degraded and used by this and develop a repulsion towards the act with males.

    If you are feeling sexual attraction towards another female, you must first ask: what does she represent to you that a man does not? It may be that it is safer, it may be that you imagine she will not hurt you or neglect you in the way a man would. It may be that you have not enjoyed your experience with your husband, and that the non-penetrative aspects of sex (such as foreplay, love, tenderness) were lacking in your relationship and you feel a female would fulfill those needs. What I am trying to express here is that a female represents something in love / sex terms that a male does not OR, a female is more comfortable for you than a male for some reason (it could be guilt, bad experience, desire to rebel, need for gentleness…something).

    Having a sexual thought or feeling towards a member of the same sex does not necessarily mean that you are gay. Many females, at some stage or another, will admire another female a little bit more than is comfortable, but that does not mean that we would enjoy a sexual relationship with them.

    I will move now onto the subject of lust and how it works, and how to reduce it. Lust is a fantasy based emotion, and does not exist without the assistance of fantasy. Many people do not realize this which is why they fall victim to it. The way it works is that we take an object (in your case, the object is a female). We then give that object abilities and qualities that it does not actually have – we give it the qualities that we want it to have, and what we want it to have will co-ordinate with our conscious and subconscious desires. But ultimately, what you are looking at is an object and everything else is imagination. Because the fantasy we attach to the object is so tantalizing and perfect (after all, who is going to create a fantasy that is flawed?) we then feel a passionate desire for this fantasy that we have created and attached to the object. As we nurture this fantasy and indulge in it (imaginatively), we form a close emotional attachment to it. The fantasy is experienced as reality and we believe that it is real. We then have an imaginary love affair with our fantasy in our own mind, and seek vessels to carry it out with. This is where “he’s the one” mentality comes from – the fantasy that there is one perfect person for us – we go out, attach that fantasy to a person and then experiencing it imaginatively through them. Later, we find that it is not real, and we experience depression in the relationship. This is evident from your stories and imaginings – so stopping this fantasy indulgence would be of great help to you.

    The key for you is to first of all know that females who are gay, experience the same level of sexual arousal with men and women, and that their sexual experience does not change with one or the other – so your gay feelings come from somewhere outside of sexual attraction.

    The second key for you is to assess your fantasy which is feeding lust, and establish for yourself what is it that you are seeking in love and relationships and why you feel a female is better able to perform this for you than a male when you cannot experience penetration, motherhood and so on. The third would be to assess what you feel toward males, and why you are rejecting them – what do they represent for you that you don’t like / can’t face /are unhappy about?

    The fourth and the most important is to know that just because a thought crosses your mind, it does not represent your whole being as a human being. We all experience uncomfortable thoughts, sexual thoughts, paranoid thoughts, violent thoughts and so on and so forth – but if you let the thoughts pass instead of meditate on them, you will feel a lot more comfortable with the nature of personality and a lot less prone to attaching to certain thoughts and making self-defining conclusions about them.

    Peace,

    L

    • Salaam Leyla,

      I came accross your response while searching for ways to get help for my sister. She recently came out to me and told me she was Gay and I really think she is confused at this time in her life. Your comments made complete sense to me as to why a girl would lean more towards another girl and why these feelings come about.

      I wanted to ask you, do you provide counseling? Are you involved with an Islamic Counseling center I can reach out to?

      Thank you for your response in advance. I really think connecting up with you could help her.

      ConfFam

  4. Salam

    Truly, from the bottom of my heart, a huge thank you to sister Leyla and sister Z, for your analysis, your advices and above all for not judging me. You have made me feel understood and listened to. Jazakum Allahu alf kheir.

    Since I wrote to you, I have been thinking a lot, and I came to the conclusion that writing those stories and watching those movies only brings me more frustration and unsatisfaction. So I decided to stop. This "double life" has got me feeling mentally exhausted and the guilt was getting way too heavy to bear. I need inner peace and the only way I can have that is by being true to myself, because, at the end of the day, I KNOW what I'm doing is wrong but I keep making up all these excuses: "it's harmless,God won't mind if I just write about it. It's not reality, I'm not really doing it".
    I pray Allah will give me the strength and sabr I need to keep away from all that from now on inshaAllah.

    Interestingly, even though I find women to be much more attractive and beautiful than men, during my marriage, I never felt repulsed by my husband. We had a normal and healthy sex life, even though I wasn't physically drawn to him. The only problem was that I wasn't in love with him. I'm incapale of loving a man, I always have been.That and him and I didn't really get along. Fortunately, I don't believe you have to be in love to make a marriage work, I believe the cement of a healthy relationship is fear of Allah, trust, honesty and it doesn't hurt if the guy is funny too (lol !) so Alhamdoulillah I don't have a problem with marriage, and I would like to do it again inshaAllah.

    To Troubled, who obviously thinks that judging helps, I don't blame her, I understand that homosexuality is a subject that makes many people uncomfortable. I never claimed to be a good muslim, Troubled, and if you read me correctly, you will see that it's not sympathy that I'm seeking, but help. I do value your advices, though.

    Thank you again dear sisters and please do not forget to include me in your prayers, may Allah reward you for everything you're doing.

    Wafa.

  5. Wow, that was such a bold and brave move, angelmr. I have had those struggles as well,and Leyla's explanation of the whole psychological imagery fantasy piece really were really helpful as well. I wish you the healing and love that you deserve.

  6. Asalam wa alaykom

    i want to share a story with you. There was this Muslim mother whose son came up to her one day and told her he was gay. She took him to so many doctors and psychologists all of them would just say it was something he was born with something they couldn’t change. Then she went to this Muslim doctor and he gave her son a medicine that would reduce his hormones causing him to become straight again. After a while he went back to the doctor to tell him it worked, the doctor told him it was all in his head he gave him a placebo that would do anything to him.
    All this is in your head you think it not because you feel its so hard to control and is a strong desire but sister the shaytan is playing with your head trying to make you think like that, striving for you make what your head thinks break out and for you to sin. Your iman must strengthen to fight. this is not a joke you must trust in Allah to help you because inshallah he will and im very proud that you said that you will stop watching movies and writing stories like that. and remember that any minute may be your last.
    i know you were married before and it didn’t work out it but it may not be because of your problem but maybe because you were too young. wait and make duaa Allah will help you find the right man dont worry. just try to stay away from these thoughts always read the Quran and ayat al kursi from surat al Baqarah aya 255 so the shaytan will stay away from you. Remember have faith everything will be ok everything will go back to normal if you keep trying. i believe you can do it, now you have to believe in yourself and believe that Allah will help you too. Good luck i wish you the best.
    salam

  7. there is a very good website NAARTH and website of dr joseph nicolosi. he is a qualified psychologist who has 30 yrs of experience with dealing with issues of same sex attraction with scientific evidence.. he also does consultations over phone, i think. just google him , it may help. ultimate help is from Allah , if you are seeking help you will get it. you are so lucky and blessed that you have the insight to this whole issue.

    i respect you and pray for you.

    thanks
    your sister in Islam

  8. Zaid Shakir - Islam and Homosexuality: Struggling with Homosexuality:

  9. Hello I really don't know to much about the Muslim relgioin but I am studying over this fasting period! Just reading all of the above information shows me that Muslims go through the same troubles as any other religion. I just pray for understanding from Allah and to keep my heart and mind pure so that I can better pactice and understand the steps that I am taking. If there is any type of information that you Muslimah's can help me with that would be greatly appreciated! My email address is I am open to learning everything that a Muslimah is suppose to know. When I convert I want to know all the things that I am suppose to no inorder to live and follow in Allah will. Thanks ladies this would really help me to get where I need to be. InshallAllah

    • New Muslimah, your comment is not related to the post and I will delete it shortly. I suggest you join one of the Muslim social networks, or Islamic discussion forums, and also visit your local Islamic Center and meet some of the sisters there.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I would love to teach you what I know and give you information....email me at (email deleted by the Editor)

  10. I'm the same case except that I'm a 16 year old guy.

    Science has proved time and time again that homosexuality is something you cannot change. I'm of the opiniom you're "born" that way. I will inshaAllah NEVER act on my homosexual feelings and I will get married to a girl -- if I think I can. Just like you, however, I'm drawn to writing gay love stories and watching gay romances (not pornography).

    Do I think you're a bad person? No way. InshaAllah your sins will be shed for your suffering and you will be rewarded for loving (or trying to) your ex-husband with the best of your ability. It'll make you feel better if you try to see this as a thing to get you into Jannah inshaAllah.

    Your little post made me cry, I can so relate!

    Wassalam and may Allah bless you! (Check out gaymuslims.org, it's a site that is against acting on homosexual feelings but is "nice" to same-sex attracted persons)

    • Salam, brother Ali

      It is so nice to finally "meet" someone who's in the same situation !

      I admire your determination not to ever "act on your homosexual feelings" especially when you're so young, mashaAllah and baraka Allahou fik. And you're right, we should look at this as a way to get into Paradise. As sister Z said : this is our test in life.

      With a little faith and help from Allah, I know we can make it.

      May Allah give us strength and sabr and grant us, and all muslims, happy peaceful and pious lives.

      Your sister in Islam

      Wafa.

  11. Wafa your post brought tears to my eyes....Mashaallah i'm so proud of you and i'm sure Allah is too. As others have said it, this is just a test and Inshaallah you'll pass it.

    However I disagree that you are born that way. Allah created us, why would he create you this way and then make it haraam. He can't give me two hands and say it's haram to have two hands. These are just feelings that we have to fight ourselves. There are many tests we get in our lives....we have to strive on order to succeed. May Allah help us all Inshaallah

    • assalama alaykum anonymous,

      i admire you for expressing your opinion, but i disagree with you to a certain extent.

      i do very much like your metaphor about both hands, and how it does not make sense to be born with them yet theyre haram. but its a bit out of context. dont view it so much as both hands are haram, but that we are born with a right and left one, except that we cannot eat or drink with the left one, nor can we purify our bodies after relieving ourselves with our right hand. although both are halal and not haram in itself. as many have said earlier, this is a test, and a means of entering jannah. maybe Allah in his infinite wisdom and mercy for his creation, has given a person these emotions as a way to enter jannah because it might be that their good deeds are not enough.

      and to further explain my opinion ill narrate to you an example, a Sahabi by the name of Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqas was said to have been granted his share in the gardens simply because he forgave any person who has wronged him in any way every night before sleep, and this was a man who was in the battle of Uhud and Badr, but he was given jannah because of simply forgiving someone.

      im not saying that people are born with homosexual emotions, but im not exactly saying that they arent, except i understand the opinions of people who believe either.

  12. Jazakum Allahu Khair !!!

    To all those who are posting comments and encouraging me, a huge thank you !!!

    Your kind words give me strength and determination. May Allah reward you all for your help.

    I love you "in Allah" (Uhibbukum fillah)

    Wafa.

  13. Salamu Aleikum to all,

    I just want to share something :

    I am happy to announce that I'm finally free. Free from those feelings I had been struggling with for so long. Free from what I thought I would never find the strength to get rid of. Free from this unnatural thing called homosexuality. Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah the Almighty.

    You see, I gave birth a few months ago to a beautiful little girl mashaAllah (I was 3 months pregnant when I got divorced) and it changed everything. I decided I didn't want my daughter to have a gay mother and I most certainly didn't want my daughter to be gay and I realised that in order to be a good parent and to be able to teach her about what's wrong and what's right, I needed first to make myself "right". It's like Allah has sent her to me to give me the determination I needed to finally change. For the first time, I don't feel like watching those movies nor writing those stories. The idea of being with a woman almost disgusts me.

    So to all those who are gay and want to change: it is possible. If I can do it, so can you. All it takes is some time, a lot of patience, fear of Allah and faith in the fact that if you're determined enough, He will help you inshAllah. Believe me, there was a time when I believed deep in my soul that I was going to be like that forever and that nothing could ever change who (I thought) I was. I was so wrong. We can change.

    Alhamdulilah.

  14. I signed as Angelmr (with a capital A) but I am angelmr (the writer of the post "from a hopeless gay muslimah", I haven't been on this website for so long I almost forgot my own nickname 🙂

    Salam

    Wafa.

    • Assalamu'alaikum Anglemr,

      It's so good to hear from you and the good news you bring. Insha'Allah you and your daughter are doing well.

      I am happy to hear that you have worked through the feelings that you have been struggling with. We pray that Allah continues to guide you and gives you the strength to move on with your life free of all things unnatural.

      I will continue to pray for you. Also, please continue to write into this site. Your advice has always been positive. Like a breath of fresh air. Peace!!!!

      Your Brother in Islam

      Abdul Wali
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. This Post brought tears to my eyes, my heart actually hurt reading this,
    To the woman who started this post, you are amazing and a true definiton of what a muslim is about. Your courage and loyalty to Allah swt will be rewarded in the next life, and i am glad you overcame the barrier , i beleive it is true that we make ourselves what we are.

    My husband is gay, and we have no relationship, no sexual relationship , i know he is as i have caught him several times attempting to arrange meetings with guys , this added to the lack of physical contact he gives me (virtually none) is the most diffiuct times i have experienced ever.
    And yet i stay with him because regardless of this we have a special bond, we are the closest partners, their is a deep love from both sides,however these feelings will not let him go, at times i am suicidal thinking as to what i am to do, how i am meant to have kids and excersise my pysical desires, yet i understand this is a struggle, it is the same as to if i found out my husband had lost his lower body, or got ill, when you love someone you stick it out...........this forum has made me see that i am not alone,

    i wondered however......in islam if your husband is gay and does not fufill your physical desires , what does islam say that the wife should do?

    • Assalam-Alaekum,
      Sister, may Allah have mercy on all of us. What are you talking about. A special bond? Come to your senses sister, come to reality. He is a GAY man. He is using you to remain a two faced man in the society. He is being selfish by satisfying his sexual desires with other men and using you to maintain a bloody respectable status of a married man in the society. And you are happy to help him to continue his wrong ways.

      I normally don't say this easily, but if he does not immediately leaves this wrong path, then leave him. Please note the emphasis on immediately and I am 100% sure he is not going to no matter what he says. Dump his a** and marry to a good muslim brother. What is the benefit of keeping such a relationship which is a lie. And I would say by remaining this man's wife you are legitimizing his wrong ways. You are helping him in continuing his sinful ways, while he remains a respectful married man in the society.

      I will not say that go out and tell everybody that your husband is gay. Simply part your ways from this man. SIster, there are so many good brothers out there and you deserve better than this man. I cannot emphasize enough but please leave him and get married to a good muslim MAN.

      In islam if your husband is not fulfilling your desires, as in your case he clearly is not. Then you have absolute right to ask for divorce. I would suggest, that please stop living in this illusion that you have a special bond. He is simply using you. Dump him and move on with your life. May Allah have mercy on all of us and keep us all on the right path.

      regards,

  16. Salam alekum sister uzma ,

    Firstly I can't imagine how good u are !! You must be really good for not leaving your husband .
    My advice to you is to speak to your husband about it and let him know that you know that he is gay !
    Give him a chance to change his ways and repent and help him repent before asking for divorce !
    But before anything make him do a blood test and make sure he use condom if he comes near u before making sure that he is clean of any disease because you don't want to catch any disease from him .

    Inshala may Allah reward u for giving him a chance to repent and go back to his deen..
    But if he doesnt repent I'm sorry to say that you shouldn't stay with him .

  17. Assalamu alaikum. I recently found my husband searching ......

    (Remainder of question deleted. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post, JazaakhAllahkhayr, Editor, IslamicAnswers.com)

  18. I just want to let you all know that I am now back with my ex husband, the father of my daughter, and we are very happy together ! We've been back together for a year and are raising our little girl together and living a good, healthy family life.

    Again, thank you all for your prayers and support. And to all those of you out there who are struggling with homosexual desires, know that you can change and live a happy life in the straight path.

    Alhamdulillah

    angelmr

  19. I'm 32 years old gay ! I was practicing Muslim ! I tried every possible way to change myself but it's not happening
    I feel that Allah is not fair of doing this to us
    He forbids homosexuality but he didn't provide any solution ! He just made it more complex ! I feel that I can't continue in this life ! My family are forcing me to get married and I can't do it
    I came out to my best friends and lost them
    Now I'm alone ! No friends and family hates me cuz I'm not getting married
    Relatives and friends see me as unsuccessful person cuz I'm single
    They think that I choose not to marry cuz im playful

    I started to lose my faith and I don't care
    I pray less ! Cuz I prayed a lot but simply Allah won't response
    It's like I'm asking him for impossible things
    My only hope in this life is to die

    It will not get better

    • Sam, As-salamu alaykum. It is not your orientation or desires that are haram, but specifically the act of homosexual sex. I suggest that you try to remain chaste. It is difficult of course, but not impossible at all. You should see this as your challenge in life. And do not tell your family and friends about your orientation. If they ask about your unmarried status, just tell them you are focusing on your career and hobbies. I see no reason why they should hate you for that. May Allah make it easier for you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Assalam alaykom brother Sam
        You shouldn't blame Allah for anything because if you know the rewards that Allah will give you in the end if you don't follow your sexual desires for his sake then you will never even think about blaming him
        Bare in mind that this life is nothing but a test for all of us and each one of us has a different test to deal with
        In the end when it's the day of judgement you will know that Allah tested you with this hard test because Allah wanted you to get rewarded
        If you leave something for Allah's sake Allah will reward you with something better.

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