Islamic marriage advice and family advice

From the time my husband’s mother died, our marriage has gone downhill

I am a 42 year old woman of Christian faith and without fail always try to help others. . I married a lovely man of Muslim faith 5 years ago (who is now 34). . He worships as he should unless work commitments get in the way and generally also tries to be helpful at all times. . That was certainly true up to two years ago.

Two years ago, my husband went off to work (nights) about 20 miles from our home. At about 1.00 am in the morning he rang to say a colleague was bringing him home as his mother had just died. . She was 60 and, although she had been ill the month before, it was a total shock. . While packing his case and comforting him, I tried in vain to get a flight out to his country of birth immediately but the soonest I could get him home was later that night and so his family took the decision to bury his mother before he arrived. . This hurt him terribly but he totally understood the reasons to bury as quickly as possible. . When he left his homeland eight years previous, this difficulty was obviously not a consideration but has left huge guilt and sadness at the loss. He paid for the whole funeral on behalf of the family I think to try and reduce his guilt.

Having just started a new job the month before, he negotiated two weeks off work. Upon arriving at the airport for his return, he was taken by the guards as an old friend had used his name as guarantor for a loan and had not paid it. . The guards did allow my husband to ring me to tell me what was happening before he was whisked off to jail overnight ready for a court appearance the next day. . I arranged for the money (.£2.5k) to be available so he could pay it and be released.

On meeting him at the airport on his return he was obviously still beside himself with grief of his loss but I looked in his eyes and saw a totally different man. . Through the next year or more, we had no celebration with my family of any kind and today he still talks of his loss as if it was last week. . In the past 2 years, he has treated people differently and has far less compassion than ever imagined. . If he hurts someone (with his tongue) then "bad luck (if he's in one of his moods) because his mother has gone". . At the start of this year, he lost his well paid job as another worker tried to attack him which resulted in dismissal. By his own admission, he did talk to his attacker like a piece of dirt, which had become the norm. . This happened at the same time as I was made redundant (although I had a substantial pay off so we can afford to live without difference for now).

So, for the first time in our beautiful marriage we were together all day every day with worries of where new work would come from. . To start with, all was fine and then my husband decided to spend his last money (with a little help from me) on buying a van to set up on his own. . The work didn't gush in (although there was some) as he had hoped and this was the next "disaster" in his life.

Two months ago, I took him on holiday to a Muslim country. . One night he went back to the room to pray and left me with a drink. . I did get horribly drunk (although the clinic had administered 4 kinds of tablets to me earlier that afternoon which I now know didn't help) and fell over. . The hotel worker interrupted my husband's prayer to come and fetch me, which to him was the ultimate embarrassment and the next day he told me the marriage was over and that I wouldn't see him again after we returned home. . I have not had a drink since knowing this to cause upset to him.

On returning home, my husband did want us to stay friends and in conversations was talking as if everything was back to normal married life, and then remembering and saying we were only friends. . His behaviour concerned me and I was worried to let him be on his own, with very few friends and no money. . I did want our marriage to continue. . After two days of being back home, he settled down and we resumed the once fantastic relationship in every way but in his head (he now tells me), as he said he didn't know if he wanted the responsibility of being married. . Neither one of us are interested in forming relationships with others. . It really was as beautiful as when we first married.

Last week, I found that my husband had signed up to a dating website (well every dating website you have ever heard of) and has sent a couple of women photographs of himself calling them "sweetie" and "baby". . His profiles say he's either divorced or single and wants to attract women with a good heart up to the age of 30 (I'm 12 years too old!). . On confronting him, he said it was all a joke and that he never intended to find a new woman. . He put it down to being out of work and just sitting on the internet all day playing around. . I told him it was over as I felt betrayed. . This happened during the month of Ramadan and my belief that my husband is a great Muslim was called into question.

He asked to stay for two weeks until work with a neighbour is finished, telling me no-one else in the world cares about him. . I agreed as I do not want him to be sad or alone. . We have agreed that we definitely are soul mates.

Anyway, the point is that he is supposed to be moving out in two weeks (although again talks like he's going to be here in the future when he's not thinking). .  Again I am keen that our marriage continues but only if he wants me as a wife and not a friend with whom he has physical relationship and lives as easy life. . He is again adamant that our marriage is over and that he should have moved out two months ago as he had intended. . He is also keen for us to be friends forever and says he will look after me as a sister and that we should still visit all the places we'd planned over the years (as friends) and set up as business partners next year as planned.

I do feel his head is all over the place and I don't want him to make a big mistake that will affect his life in such a dramatic way. . He refuses counselling. . I don't know what's happening or what to expect now. . On one hand he wants us to continue doing everything without the marriage and I believe there's a chance he might not pack up and leave in 2 weeks as he's made no plans.

All I want is for my husband and I to put all the bad things behind us and move on, preferably as a happily married couple. . One thing is for sure though, I can't continue for us living together doing everything for him and supporting him financially if in his mind he's detached from me and our marriage. . If he moves out (please God keep him safe), then he may realise he does want the marriage or we draw a line under it and try to build a friendship as he wishes. He is very stubborn and possibly will be unwilling to admit he's made a mistake even if find he does want to come back to the marriage.

I think a real possibility is that he has somehow replaced his mother with me - he has become more reliant on me recently for things that a mother would do. . He does, however, say he stills fancies me (there has been no physical relationship in the last week) but he could just be sparing my feelings.

I am heartbroken but know that things cannot continue in this way. . If anyone has a view as to what's going on please share your thoughts with me.

Sister A


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2 Responses »

  1. hi thx for your question after reading i can understand the pain you are goin through. i understand that his mother past away but his not the only one, theres plenty of other people who lost there parents, that doesnt mean that you have to change? instead take that as a reminder knowing that we are here soon will also be gone, so before that better yourself.

    also notice that you are supporting him but his not responding to your feelings which sadenss me, i suggest you tell him to be with you otherwise get the hell out of here, i mean you are his wife not his mother. you deserve to be loved and cared for since you did soo much for him the least thing he could have done is put your feelings first, guys like that really makes me mad they act so childish. so i advise you to let him go there a plenty of other guys out there.

    peace

  2. Salam sister,
    I feel really very sorry for you.Your husband is not a good Muslim.I think he has a little psychological problem.He is not behaving like he should.YOU have done so much for him and he is not responding well like he should.He is himself confused and also is keeping you confused.Tell him there is no such thing as "staying friends" in Islam,if one is married then one has to maintain that proper relationship of a husband and a wife.Each having a responsibility with the other.If one cannot do so then the marriage should be ended.He has no right to keep you hanging like that.And replacing you with his mother is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard.HE NEEDS COUNSELING.Dont keep hanging like that and get it straight what he wants and do it.
    May Allah help you.

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