Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to treat your future wife if she lied about her past

Haunted by past

I have a problem and I need an Islam based response to it.

I'm engaged to a man I love very much, we work together and we had a very loving and stable relationship. However, out of fear of losing him I lied about a previous relationship that I had three years ago with another colleague.

My fiance is 8 years my junior and he is very jealous and suspicious.  One day he asked me for my Facebook password and I gave it to him thinking I would allay any fears that I was lying or cheating on him.

But he found two emails between me and the man I used to know. He is very angry with me but has allowed me another chance. But he is treating me very harshly. What does Islam say about treating your partner even if she did something wrong?

Please help


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12 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum,

    It is wrong for anyone to ask someone else's password. And once you have left a sin, you must erase all evidences to it, possible. It is between you and Allah, you must let it be thus and should seek Allah's Forgiveness.

    Now that he knows you did like another man 3 years ago, you need not tell him anything else. It is not about lying, you should never lie. But you have done tawbah I believe and you are no more in touch with the other man. It is normal for a man to feel jealous concerning his wife (and you are not yet his wife). That is not an issue. What is the issue is that he is now angry. Tell him that it was your past and you are no more in touch with him. Now, the only man you have in your life is him.

    And sister, avoid much communication lest you should do what you are not supposed to do. Wait till you both get married.

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

    • Salam, I have been following your site for months now and i have a comment.

      I am sorry to say this but i don't think your reply was fare to the lady asking the question. She asked for an Islam based response as to how to deal with her current situation, As i noticed it takes at least a month for someone's question to be posted, and the person posting the questions is waiting for what you have to say as an editor. They need references from the Quran or Hadiths.

      As i read your reply i felt it was your own opinion rather then an Islamic based reply. I am not saying you are wrong in any way and please don't misunderstand me, I love this site and i believe what you are doing is tremendously wonderful and helpful to a lot of people.

      But as Editors I believe you should be concentrating more on Islamic references. I also noticed many of the questions posted are repeated, you can simply refer the person to a previous post.

      Jazakum Allah Khare for all that you do.

      • Can you please tell me what was wrong in my comment so that I can correct in future?

        Abu Abdul Bari Editor

      • Salam unknown! i also do not found any fault in that comment i think its the most she should do right now! Fiammanullah!

  2. Why do I get the feeling that you're over romanticizing your relationship to this man? On one hand you're saying you have a stable and loving relationship to him, but you also write that you're scared and feel the need to lie to him, and that he's a very jealous and suspicious person. First of all, feeling the need to lie in a relationship does not exactly signal a loving and stable relationship. 2nd, suspicious and jealous people usually aren't suspicious and jealous once a year only, they are suspicious and jealous constantly - I can't imagine how these traits of his actually contribute to this so-called stable relationship? A lot of women mistakenly believe that their relationship is stable and loving even though 95% of it consists of suspicions and accusations and fights while only 5% consists of somewhat decent and calm times. This does not make a relationship a stable and loving one.

    Anyway, to be honest, I don't think you should marry a man who's clearly got controlling and aggressive tendencies - it does not mix very well with you (seeming to) being a quite submissive and soft person who just obeys a man's command with no hesitation - I'm actually scared on your behald what else he can make you do. This kind of dynamic between you can, and will most likely, be very toxic on your marriage once you get married.

    And stop getting unseriously involved with people you work with (or anyone else for that matter)! You don't want to end up having been in a haram relationship with the entire male population of your office, do ya?
    With that said, I don't think this guy sounds right for you...if it was me, I would not marry him, because I don't think controlling people are good marriage choices. Even though what you did (lie) was wrong, he still needs to make a decision on whether or not he can accept your past. If he can't be civil towards you he needs to let you go.

  3. As salamu alaykum,

    I agree with both comments above, and I would like to add the following.

    Lies hide fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of being abandoned, fear of being rejected, fear of being alone, fear of .... The only person we cannot lie in this world is ourselves, stop for a minute and look deep in your Heart and be honest to yourself, about what he inspires you, about what this situation inspires you, would you be free to be who you really are being with him?

    His "jealousy" is giving you the security that he cares about you, but what is making you suspect about something wrong it is that he doesn´t trust you(password) or respect you(password/treating you harshly).

    There is a concept that can be put on a side due to the "love" felt towards the other person, this is Self-Respect, this is a highly important concept because your self-steem is based mainly in how much you respect and love your own being. We deserve to be respected and be loved unconditionally, even when we have commited any fault, because none of us is free from being in the others shoes and everyone of us have our own faults, trials and tests.

    Trust and Respect are two big ones in a marriage and in any kind of relationship, and will be the pillars that will help to build Unconditional Love that will be the kind of Love that will guide you to a lifetime relationship.

    Hurts me a lot to listen that he is giving you other chance and he is treating you harshly, he is the one in power now and probably forever, because once you commited a fault, ... some people are just not able to forgive, Forgiveness takes us to the hand to forget but this is a blessing giving by Allah subhana wa tala, He is the One that put in the Heart the seed of Forgiveness.

    You deserve to be forgiven, loved and respected, not punished. You know inside yourself what is right and what is not, please trust yourself.

    Dating or having a relationship is not allowed in Islam. Engagement have both families involved.


  4. Sister,

    The only bit of info I am going to add here on this post is the fact that you need not ever give your passwords to anyone. Passwords are just that. It is your private information that allows you and only you to enter a space which is private only unto you. If someone asks for your password, you simply say "no". If they get mad...too bad. The password is there for a reason and whatever lies behind it is no one's business except for your own.

    I wonder if you ask your fiance for his Facebook password if he would give it to you? I will bet you anything that he will not.


    • The only bit of info I am going to add here on this post is the fact that you need not ever give your passwords to anyone. Passwords are just that. It is your private information that allows you and only you to enter a space which is private only unto you. If someone asks for your password, you simply say "no". If they get mad...too bad. The password is there for a reason and whatever lies behind it is no one's business except for your own.

      I disagree.My wife knows everything about me.The important factor is the element of trust. No trust = no peaceful marriage.

      • So...unless you know all your wifes personal business, passwords and have no trust? Sad. You said, "The important factor is the element of trust". So...that being said, why would you even ask her? The fact that you feel the need to know her passwords does not show trust at all. I would never ask my husband for any of his personal and private information and I would expect the same from him. That my dear is trust.


        • What may seem odd to you might be perfectly fine for someone else.

          • Who said anything about odd? We are speaking of trust. If there is trust, why the need to know? What do you gain by looking over her personal conversations and posts if the element of trust exists? The mere fact that you need those passwords does not show trust at all, it shows insecurity and no trust at all.

  5. It's totally personal choice for husband and wife to share there password or whatever. But in this sister situation I don't think it was appropriate for asking her password before married.we are not supposed to give our private information to non mahram. After married its their own choice. Trust is totally different thing, its in person blood character.

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