Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Getting married after childhood abuse

pain hurt

Asalamualikum,

I am currently in the process of a marriage prospect. I have tried to be as honest as possible when it comes to this process. I am actually a divorcee, and I haven't kept anything about my past from this person. However, there is one thing and I really don't know how to discuss this topic with him. I was sexually abused at a very young age (8) for many years by a family member. It is something that affects me is many ways especially when it comes to a marriage. I want to be open and upfront with him but I don't want to be stepping the boundaries islamically at this stage either. I don't know how to make him aware of this at this stage as we are still getting to know each other (we're actually deciding dates for our nikkah, so I guess we're past the getting to know stage but still non-mehram). Is it something I should tell him before marriage or wait till we're married? My fear with telling him after a nikkah is that he would feel that I wasn't completely upfront with him.

FarhaA


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13 Responses »

  1. How telling him about sexual abuse going to help him or you?

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    It can be very hard to talk about issues such as past traumas, and it's important to feel confident that the person you're marrying is someone who will inshaAllah be supportive of you. At the same time, though, this isn't the sort of thing you should share with a non-mahram - it's a personal matter, and you're under no obligation or duty to tell him before marriage, or even after marriage if you don't want to.

    What you could do is, during a discussion with him (observing appropriate limits, of course), you could ask him his views on a number of issues, including what he thinks about childhood abuse. I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask about a few topical social/political things as part of getting to understand each other, as it's important for two people to be able to, if not agree with, then at least respect each other's viewpoints. For example, you could mention that you'd read a news article about survivors of childhood abuse, and wondered what his thoughts were on how to help people recover from that? At the same time, you could ask him his thoughts on a couple of other topics that interest or concern you. That way you're finding out his views without revealing personal information to a non-mahram. You can then decide whether he's the sort of man you would feel confident in sharing this with, or whether you want to reconsider your decision to marry him.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  3. OP: I was sexually abused at a very young age (8) for many years by a family member.

    How is your relationship with that family member now? Your new potential mate may want to know the whole story and may not like your relationship with that person. He may question how did it go on for years. Why you did not tell that to some other family members? Just like opening a can or worms.

    • SVS, sexual abuse is not a "relationship." It is a crime. And children are often pressured into staying silent about the abuse. They are told that they are equally guilty and will be blamed, or that they will not be believed. The abuser uses his position of authority over them to control them emotionally as well as physically. It is very common for these reasons for children not to report sexual abuse. However, it's important to understand that the child is innocent and carries no blame whatsoever.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Salam,

    You are not obligated to share your past mishaps with anyone. If he knows you were already married once before then he should be OK with the fact that another man has touched you before him. That should be all he needs to know, unless there are medical issues that came as a result of the abuse...but that is unlikely. Do not think that you need to relive in that traumatic time forever, just move on and pray Allah swt erases those ugly memories altogether.

    • Assalaamu Alaykum,

      Many of your responses are very helpful and knowledgable. However I would just like to point out that any traumatic experience, even abuse, is not something a victim can just decide to "move on from". It's an unconscious response that often takes intense therapy over time to clear. Most abuse survivors would love to be free from the trauma that's been inflicted on their lives, but it's not as simple as just making a choice and letting it go. Trauma is more than "bad memories", it's the brain functioning as though the situation were still actively happening. To the traumatized part of the unconscious mind, there is no "past" at all. It's still the here and now, and that's why it can be so disruptive to one's life.

      I would imagine this sister is meaning that her intimate sexual life still has issues of trauma that come up in an interfering way. If a man doesn't understand the dynamics, he might not be as patient about it or get frustrated. I can understand why a sister would want to make sure that her husband- to-be will be supportive if she knows this will be the case.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Jazak Allah Sr. Amy for your responses on childhood abuse and what a traumatic affair it can be. People cannot simply move on from the experience at the snap of fingers and just forget. The feelings of that traumatic event of abuse are relived at no will of the abused at moments that would seem very ordinary to another person.

        Again, thank you.

  5. asalamu aleikum sister
    let bygone be bygone never tell him that Allah concealed that for you why do you want to expose it? move on dear sister and try to forget what happen long time ago let not the past ruin your future.

    may Allah make it easy for you dear

    • Assalaamu Alaykum,

      Allah conceals sins that we commit. Being abused is not a sin that one commits, as the victim. I think you're minimizing the severity of the situation by saying "let bygones be bygones" as though it were a childhood spat that one still held a grudge about. Abuse is much more serious than that and causes severe trauma on the deepest levels of the psyche. As such it's not something the survivor can just "forget" or "let go".

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. AOA, I've married a woman about 6 years ago, who happened to be in the SAME situation. She was a divorcee and she was abused at the age 8.

    Over the past 6 years, my marriage has turned out to be the worst drama that one would hope for. She came in with baggage, while I was very open to her, knowing she was a divorcee. I had supported her and all. She's developed bi polar and has a border line personality disorder which primarily comes from Childhood trauma.

    At this time, we have two kids and I am deciding if I should file for a divorce as what the kids see, they should never see in a normal house hold.

    She's become very angry and impulsive, breaking things irrespective of the cost, damages to the property and doesn't really have that much care about her own children. All these things didn't show up before marriage and tool a while to see these. By accident I found out about abuse and that family member and no matter how you look at it, it should've been discussed openly.

    Amy (above) hit it right on the head. Sexual Abuse and Childhood trauma isn't something that "happened", its something that one lives in as of right now. For example, if my wife wasn't being as open with me in the bed because of this trauma, any simple conversation between a normal couple, would turn out to be flat out hostile and may be violent from her end. Over time, these issues can have so much intensity that these can really destroy one's relationship and an entire marriage. Damage to the brain then causes other things too, for example, if you expose a child to sexual stuff at such an early age, when the hormones kick in, they mentally grow faster and tend to get involved in sexual relationships at an earlier age and will have many broken relationships, which overtime will ONLY cause more trauma. Not saying that's the case with you or not, I don't know you. But I am stating facts. One of the psychiatrists I took her to, told me that the sexual abuse is one of the main reasons why in the our society, now a days, kids / girls have started to be sexual and physical at a much earlier age, which is only increasing the number of bi polar, depression and related mental disorders exponentially.

    My advise to you is, keep you marriage clean. I put myself in your to be husband's case, if my wife had been open about it, I already knew she was a divorcee and been with a man (and whatever she was involved with growing up as its not uncommon now a days for even muslim girls to have boyfriends, etc, you can see hundreds of examples on this forum). So had she been open about it, we'd have discussed this in details, I would've understood the impact on our relationship and I would've better supported her.

    Another bigger issue that would come in, is the fact that if he finds out, he'd look at other challenges that you may have at that time in your marriage, and he would wonder what else he got lied to. I hate liars and it sure has damaged my relationship. At the end, only Allah knows the best and we'll pray for your marriage to be the best and peaceful, fruitful decision of your life.

    • So sad but true what you've stated about childhood trauma and its effects and mental implications long after. May Allah protect our youth.

  7. Salaam Sister,

    I am so so sorry that you went through something extremely traumatic as sexual abuse by anyone, let alone a family member. I cannot fathom how much it must still affect you after so many years, and my heart goes out to you and all other victims. You all are in my heart and Duas. I literally have tears flowing down my face.

    I believe the editors have provided you with sound advice, especially Midnight moon. It is important you know his stance on something that is such a pivotal experience for you, if you feel he should know. And in a round about way you can learn so much about another person. Say you were reading an "article" about this and ask him his opinion, or that you were watching a tv episode on law and order SVU and see how he responds.

    After marriage it is up to you if you feel it is important, and will help your relationship, to tell him. Did you tell your former husband? If so how did he react? You are a gem, sister, and your new husband should treat you as such.

    It is up to you to disclose to him how deeply it still affects you, how it can continue to do so, and how it may impact your sex life, and childbirth. Maybe you can talk to an imaam on the Islamic POV on disclosing this information before marriage since it has such a profound affect on a person. Make istikharrah about how it will benefit you for disclosing before and after nikkah. As far as telling him after nikkah, explain to him that you were afraid of violating Islamic boundaries if he asks you why you did not tell him before, (and if the Imaam/istikkharah should come back that you should tell him after the nikkah). But remember, Allah is Most Merciful.

    Just please remember what happened to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

    I don't know what country you are located in, but if you are in the U.S., i know we have many victims of sexual abuse, especially adolescents. Maybe you can volunteer in one as a counselor to help these youth deal with the aftermath of the abuse. It may help you as well to help them work through the trauma of it all. If you are in a Muslim country, maybe you can start a center for our precious sons and daughters who endure these horrific acts. Then they can have the benefit of professional counseling and have a chance at developing normal relationships and a healthy self esteem.

    May Allah have mercy upon you sister, and all of our sons and daughters who experience abuse.

    Ameen.

  8. Shahid: I am deciding if I should file for a divorce as what the kids see, they should never see in a normal house hold.......She's become very angry and impulsive, breaking things irrespective of the cost, damages to the property and doesn't really have that much care about her own children. All these things didn't show up before marriage and tool a while to see these. By accident I found out about abuse and that family member and no matter how you look at it, it should've been discussed openly............So had she been open about it, we'd have discussed this in details, I would've understood the impact on our relationship and I would've better supported her.......Another bigger issue that would come in, is the fact that if he finds out, he'd look at other challenges that you may have at that time in your marriage, and he would wonder what else he got lied to. I hate liars and it sure has damaged my relationship.

    So you want to divorce your wife because she is a bipolar due to sexual abuse which happened when she was 8 years old. Why don't you support her right now?

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