Getting married, but unsure about some things
Assalamu alaikum,
I am 25 years old, and recently graduated from medical school. I live in the UK.
I've got a proposal from someone, and my parents like the girl's family; from what we know they are decent, religious people, and she graduated in engineering. I don't know her that well, although we went to the same uni.
She seems to be pious and there's nothing bad said about her, and I think we can make a marriage work, but there are a few things I want to talk through:
First of all, as for the marriage procedure itself, I think we've got it all sorted with the imam.
My question rather is about being a Muslim husband. I am not sure whether I am good enough, hard-working and committed enough to marry? I am worried about whether she'll like me as a person? Will I be a good husband?
I just want the marriage to be a happy one, blessed by Allah, that's all. What can I do to be the best partner and friend I can be to my wife?
That is my main worry; whether I am a good person or not for her.
I am also really nervous and don't want to mess up.
But there is also another thing which I thought about but haven't told anyone. I want to marry, but I feel guilty because I committed the most serious crimes when I was a teenager. I used to be addicted to the filth on the Internet and used to self-pleasure myself. I stopped when I was 16, and have tried to be a decent Muslim. I pray 5 times a day. I try to be a nice person. I hope God's not too angry with me. But how I can marry a woman knowing I've looked at others lewdly in my past? I just feel really guilty about that, which is why I haven't said ''Yes'' to the proposal yet.
I am also worried about this: I want a marriage, if confirmed, to be a happy, successful one. However, I am wise enough to know that not all marriages end happily. 55% of them end in divorce. Many couples separate and then are in financial and legal battles because in their marriage contract, nothing was said about how the money and assets should be split in case of divorce. I don't want to make that mistake and want to add a section to my marriage contract explaining what to do if we divorce. But I feel this is inappropriate and have not talked to anybody about this. It's not that I think I will divorce, but I am really nervous about entering a life-long relationship with someone, and I want to be wise about it rather than rushing in. Please advise me regarding this.
For me, marriage is about a life-long friendship, a friendship deeper than others. But there is also a physical aspect to that relationship, which begins with the consummation of the marriage. I do not want to think about that right now, but I am also at a loss at how to go about consummating a marriage, if I do marry that is. I know this is a very personal thing to ask, but it's one of those things that nags me and I felt had to. Also, the fact that I am thinking about such things right now, before we have confirmed it even, makes me feel like a sinner. Am I a sinner?
Moreover, if we do feel a marriage can work, I want to get to know the family and her better, but what type of questions should I ask? Is it ok if I ask about medical history, and even sexual history? I feel, in our Asian culture, such things are not talked about openly, but I have to know these things before entering into a marriage. You see, I have a trait for a genetic disease and I don't want to marry a woman who has the same trait, otherwise our child could end up suffering from a truly damaging genetic disorder. So, what questions are appropriate and what are inappropriate?
I would appreciate answers from anyone who feels competent to do so, but especially from those who have already married and have experienced these issues and worries.
Assalamu alaikum,
Jazak allahu khayr,
11235hasan
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It's natural to be over anxious before getting married and considering potential proposals.
Firstly, forget your past. If you can't then repent again. There is no need to share your past with your future bride.
Marriage is a risk that we are required to take. For some it works out and for others it does not. There is nothing we can do beforehand to make our future perfect.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking about medical history. Although, I think sexual relations from past maybe too personal. If you think she is pious and good Muslim then you should be satisfied. If you think someones past mistakes may bother you in the future then don't marry her.
If you are worried about divorce then Islam has given us answers as to what needs to be done financially in each circumstance.
Your anxiety is making you over think even about consummating the marriage. This will all come naturally. It's a huge experience all on it's own. You'll probably laugh about it later in life with your wife. It's a great feeling when you feel so close with your spouse that you can share everything with them.
So good luck, take it easy and don't be too worried.
Agree with Sabah. As far as I can see, repent to Allah for he is the most forgiving. Honestly, from what I am reading, I think that you'll be a great Muslim husband and that there's not much to worry about. I think that you're over thinking about this a bit, chillax!
Just hold on to the rope of Allah and things will go good.
Wa 'alaikum as-salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh Brother,
1. Not sure whether you could be a good Muslim husband or whether you are committed to marry in the first place?
You need to be certain about this apprehension about yourself. Is it an informative expression that is affirmed by you cognitively (through experience), or just a mare apprehension with no real basis or facts. For example, you may be sure about this through the way you deal with your close relatives and people in general.
-1. What would most of your family and friends say about your deen and behavior in various areas?
-2. What do you witness about yourself regarding your deen and character?
-3. Do you see yourself as one who is eager at learning and practicing the deen?
-4. Do you see yourself treating people in general according to the character of the Holy Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam), and the character of Sahabah (radhiyallahu 'anhum)?
-5. Are you considered an abusive person either by others or by yourself?
Assess that and examine yourself, and then see whether there are things you need to learn and practice, either on your own or through a professional counselling.
2. How to make your marriage a happy and successful one?
First of all, you should know that it's Allah's help that is sorted for success in marital life and life in general. You may frequently say this du'a while you endure patience during your marital life inshaAllah:
'' Rabbanaa hab lanaa min azwaajinaa wa dhurriyyaatinaa qurrata A`a-yunin, waji`alnaa lil muttaqeena imaamaa'' ("Our Lord, grant us delight in our spouses and our children, and make us a good example for the righteous.")
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:
Also, in addition to reading Islamic and physiological halal books on how to be an ideal husband, the links below may also help inshaAllah.
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Successful-Muslim-Husband
https://southernmuslimah.wordpress.com/2008/11/22/ten-tips-to-be-a-sucessful-muslim-husband/
3. Still feel guilty after sincere repentance?
Alhamdulillah to know that you stopped the sin 9 years ago and you are now practicing the deen, mashaAllah. As sister Sabah said above, forget your past. If you can't then repent again. There is no need to share your past with your future bride.
Allah subhanu wa ta'ala says:
4. Financial issues during divorce?
You need to educate yourself regarding financial issues during divorce and death. It would be better for the both of you to know this very well, and agree to submit to the Islamic teachings in this regard before proceeding with the marriage.
According to Islamic laws, none of the spouses shall inherit one another during divorce except if there was a mahr that must be paid or refunded (either partially or in full), or if there were a joint property between the spouses (this shall be shared according to the percentage of each spouse's share in the capital).
If one of the two spouses died and had no children from anywhere, the husband inherit half of her whole properties, or she inherits one-fourth of his whole properties. However, if the deceased spouse had any children (either from this same marriage or from other marriage/s), the husband inherits one-fourth of her whole properties, or she inherits one-eighth of his whole properties.
5. Regarding how to go about consummating the marriage?
In addition to seeking some marriage counseling in this regard, it is important to learn the ways taught to us by the Holy Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) in the sunnah. Please see the link below:
http://www.mydeenislam.com/how-to-make-love-to-your-wife-in-islam.html
6. Regarding the proper ways of asking about the fiance's medical and sexual history?
As sister Sabah pointed out, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking about medical history. However, sexual relations from past are not to be revealed according to Islamic teachings. If you think virginity is important to you, then make it clear before meeting with your fiance's family (with respect) without seeking response or details from them about it. For example, you may write a list about the things you may expect from your potential wife, and then mention in the same list that ''she must be a virgin''.
The family may then decide whether their daughter will suit your descriptions or not, and they will know whether to proceed or decline the proposal.
Whatever you final decision maybe, do not forget to pray and ask Allah subhanah wa ta'ala for guidance through istikhara.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide you to what is best for the both of you in this life and the next. Ameen!