Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Getting married early, but don’t want to fall pregnant until I complete my education?

Muslim woman studying, books, school

I'm 18, in my final year of secondary school in the U.K. and I'm a practicing Muslimah and I will graduate soon inshAllah and have big plans for the future. I'm already admitted to a respected University and want to get a 4 year education there bithnillah. However, I got a proposal from a man and my parents have accepted him. I'm okay with him because of the outcome of istikhara that I made, my parents made, and my cousin, in which were all positive.

However, he, the man who proposed, would like for me to get married in June 2016. My parents are okay with that but I'm not. I'm shaking as I type this. I don't want to get married so soon. By the way, that is when I'm starting university. But my parents say I need to take this marriage as seriously I am taking my education. Now the real issue is here.

This man is 8 years older than me, in which is okay, but I'm afraid that he will want to have *** and I fall pregnant real quick. Many people say you can get pregnant the first night and well it's true with both of my closest friends. {They both got married right after completing high school and are 2 or 3 years older than me. They wanted to go to college too but got pregnant the first semester. They now have 2 children each MashAllah} But I don't want to be like them. I want to complete 4 years of university and then inshAllah get pregnant. Honestly, I don't mind if I get pregnant even a week after graduating University. I also don't want to do anything near haram in avoiding pregnancy.

Oh my brothers and sisters in Islam, may Allah give you all paradise, guidance and whatever you want in this world and the hereafter. I am your sister in Islam asking for your help and advice. What should I do? I might get married this year and I don't want to get pregnant until I complete university. I can't tell this to anyone in my family or even friends and forget about him. May you please tell me about Aisha (RA) and how her story might relate to mine? Please give  me advice according to the Quran and Sunnah. Should I forget about getting a university education? Please give me example from the stories of the wives of the Prophets or your personal experience too inshAllah. Sisters what would you do if you were in my case? And brothers what would you advice if your wife to be was like me?
Finally, may Allah forgive me if I said anything wrong. If I did say anything wrong, please tell me so that I may correct myself inshAllah.


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8 Responses »

  1. Marriage should be based on shared values and a shared vision of the future. Your education and desire to postpone motherhood are matters that must be discussed before you agree to marry this man. Have you even met him? You are asking these questions on an anonymous website, from strangers, but sister you must have this discussion with your family and fiancé. The fact that you are shaking means you are frightened and panicked -- that is not a good way to start marriage. Of course your husband is going to want to have sex with you.
    Please, talk to your fiancé about these things. You sound like an intelligent girl with a bright future ahead of you. Why would you throw away your university education? There is no need for that. You are intelligent but there is a small element of immaturity that suggests maybe you are not ready for the responsibilities of marriage. Why don't you try to defer your wedding for a year or two, and take that time to get to know your fiancé, his values, learn to know yourself and what you want out of life.

    Marriage should be something you look forward to. It is not something you approach with fear, uncertainty and trepidation. Please, have this discussion with your family and fiancé.

  2. look sister the thing is that you should talk tk that guy and asj him why i wants to marry you and if his reason is good tell him that you want to study further and tell your family simple and if the guy says no then leave him. You live in the UK no body can force you.

  3. Sister! I usually don' comment but I think my comment can be useful for you. From what it seems from your post, your case seems more like strict "Resume" kind of proposal, where potential spouses don't ask eachother questions. Even though we are from different cultures, I am Pakistani and she is an arab, but still Alhamdulillah our thinking matches perfectly.
    The point I want to make is that the question about your education and delaying the children, is something you should discuss with your fiancee. When I was discussing issues, I did not hesitate to ask how many children she wants, and she did not hesitate to tell me how much delay she wants for the children. All these issues you should discuss with you fiancee. Islamically you are allowed, rather it's preferred according to some scholars, to discuss these things with him. Remember this is a lifetime decision for you, and you cannot take it without discussing things in detail.
    The question you mentioned is important, but you should be more concerned about deeper questions. Like
    1. Why he wants to marry ? (For sake of deen or what!)
    2. What are his views about salah etc?
    3. How does he wants to raise his children? What does he wants to see in them?
    4. How much is the culture important for him, if it contradicts Islam ?
    5. What are his views on enhancing Islamic knowledge? And what is he doing about it right now?
    6. What does he thinks are the roles of men and women in marriage.
    7. How does he look at you education, and what how he will feel if you delay children till your degree.
    8. If you keep studying after marriage, who will manage household chores? Does he thinks that it is the duty of only women to do it? Will he help you with it or not?
    9. Will you have to live with in-laws in combined big family or not?
    10. Does he think that anything can be shared with wife, or some things should be hidden from her ? or there is something called "Private" between spouses ?
    11. What her his views on hijab and especially "Niqab". What if he thinks something is obligatory from Islamic perspective and you, his wife, does not agree with him. Will he force his opinion on you, like if you don't agree that niqab is fard, will he force you for it?
    12. How will he maintain a balance between his mother, and you ? What are his views on obligation towards wife and mother ?
    13. What are his views on wife doing work ? Or he thinks that since he is earning bread for home, so wife if obliged to just stay at home ?

    etc etc etc

    There were many similar questions which both she and I asked before getting engaged. And now, even though I have to wait more, from what we decided for out nikkah date etc almost a year, (interestingly also because of her education :D) But Alhamdulillah I know she is the wife I want and am looking for, so I am totally fine in waiting for her.
    So in short what I am saying is that, even if you have done istikhhara, it does not mean that you go ahead and do marriage with him immediately. First of all I don't know how you got to know that your istikhhara was positive, but still even if it was positive, you are encouraged and allowed to discuss everything, and make decision as you see fit. Ma shaa Allah you are young now, and you can even wait. It is not like you are getting old and will not get any proposal again. Just make wise decision!
    And if he seems the kind of guy, who will keep your wishes and what "you" his wife wants, while making any decision, then Alhamdulillah, go ahead and do it. But the important thing is again that you discuss everything in advance.

  4. Sister I don't think you should get married at all right now! it seems like you are really naive and don'the quite understand the responsibilities in a marriage. You can't talk about this to your parents or your fiance, how do you want to survive a marriage? You didn't even ask your fiance any questions about your future life together? ?? How do you know you both want the same thing? ?? If you Mary him of course he would want to have sex with you!!! You need to sit down and think about what you look in a husband first and than meet him and see if you are can't just marry someone purely based of the outcome of your istikhara, which by the way , NO one else can do istikhara for you expect yourself. So your mother's istikhara for you can't be positive since she can't do it for you in the first place. Please inform yourself about istikhara so you can practice the right way. You are only 18years old and in few years you will change a lot so think wisely before you choose your spouse. Education it's extremely important, especially for women so please don't compromise on this. You need to talk to your parents about it, don't ruin your future sister.

  5. Muslimgirl got a good point in here.

    if you get can you really control this? unless you keep taking course upon course of birth control (Which has proven to be permanently damaging to a womans reproductive system).
    contraception for man...well in the heat of the moment i dont think either of you would think of that.

    so best thing is to delay marriage i guess...or give yourself to fate and study after your kids are old enough...not impossible i have live examples who completed their masters in the same situation..depends on how determined you are to have a successful marriage and be great at academics as well.

  6. Sister,

    Have you asked this man how he feels about you continuing your education? What are his thoughts with you going on to University? Does he have any problems with it? It is a very important question and one you need an answer to.


  7. No way little lady .your just a pup.Do you know how much responsibilities as wife mother has? Cook clean everything .It's not easy. You are not prepared.Finish school first and my advice to you is this.Learn Deen properly Understand your purpose because Allah only put success in deen.Obeying the commandments of Allah and teachings of prophet Muhammad PBUH is the only success. Regardless of persons intelligence or wealth if he follows his way of thinking he will be failure in both of the world's. TELL YOUR PARENTS THAT I'M NOT READY AND I DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY COMMITMENTS.IF THIS PERSON IS NOT ON TRACK YOU WILL BE ALSO IN THE RAT RACE.MY SISTER I COME WITH A LOT OF EXPERIENCE. MY WIFE JUST FINISH THE ALIMA PROGRAM FROM ENGLAND AT AGE 19YRS.I WAS 30. SHE WAS ALREADY PREP.IN THAT HER FATHER WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER SO SHE HAD A LOT ON HER PLATE SEEING THAT SHE WAS THE OLDEST OF THE 3.SO AT YOUNG AGE 10 SHE WAS DOING A LOT OF HOUSE WORK.THE POINT IS MOST SCHOLORS ARE GIVEN AND TAUGHT TO BE PATIENT AND ORGANIZED .THEY ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE EXAMPLES OF THE BEST MUSLIMS CAN BE.SO BE WISE

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