Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Getting married to someone from a different culture

A Muslim family

A New Family

 

Please someone send me their comments or suggestions. may Allah bless you, amen

salam laykum. by the grace of all mighty one Allah. i have always desired to marry a muslimah that practices religion and brings it in to her daily life. this also includes, the practice of wearing a hijab since her childhood. and someone who wants to wear the niqab after the marriage, not because I want her to, but because she wants to do it because its the lessons of our religion and in quran and hadeeth.

i belong to somewhat open-minded and a family where Islam is not given any importance over the family values, or the cultural values. whereas I always bring the Islam before the cultural values, and that we are all Muslims before we are anything else. so you can see the difference right here between myself and the rest of my family.
inshalah i want to raise a very conservative and religious family who practices religion as a life and thats part of every day life. now all that being said, none of the above really applies to the famliy I am raised in because they had a different brought up in their times. and if i tell my parents, that something is not allowed in the islam or how to do something by using the islam as a reference would be considered to be a mean thing I would do or say to my parents. they think now I know too much about the islam and im trying to teach them.
only allah knows me and my clean intentions. like i said before i had always desired to marry a muslimah that practices every pillar of islam, my parents looked around a lot to find a girl who would be like that within our own culture, but failed because we were unable to find a girl within our circle who possess all the qualities i am looking for in my wife to be inshalah. i want to be able to raise kids islamic way, and not western.
so i strated looking on the internet, the islamic marriage websites where i can possibly find my wife who will have all the qualities that a good muslim would want in his wife. elhamdolalah. i think i met a sister on line who is from a different country and speaks different language, but mashallah very very religious and she has the fear of allah and makes sure to bring islam and hadeeth in every step of her life. allah o akbar. good thing is that she is also interested in getting married to me insalah because she finds the qualities she is looking for in her husband. and I thank millions of times to introduce me to a moslim sister like her. all my life i search for someone like that and I think mashallah she has all those qualities, mashalah she practices the hijab and prays all the time and reads quran not because her parents want her to, but because she understand the religion and allah has guided her to do so. also she desires to wear the niqab after our nikah inshalah. these are all her own words and her own intentions and allah knows only that i have all my life praying to Allah to bless me with a moslimah wife like her.
problem...my parents do not agree to my approach at all. they tell me that she's from a different culture and a different language.. elhamdolelah i speak her language and she understands me and I can understand her very well. we both speak arabic, although my arabic is not very great but i can hold conversations and i can understand others and others can understand me. elhamdolallah.
my parents tell me that she's not from our culture so you can never marry her. and they also tell me that she's just wearing a hijab because its in her culture and not because she understands the islam. wallahi that hurts me to hear that my parents are actually saying things like that about a moslimah sister who has devoted all of her life for Allah and his prophet Mohammad peace be upon him. so basically there is a lot of push back from my parents.
her parents accept me and her entire family accepts me elhamdoellah. if there is a problem it's my parents who are trying to distract me from practicing my religion and to obey my religious ambitions. i want to marry a moslimah like her so i can become a good person and follow islam more strictly and raise our kids in a way our prophet would raise the entire ummah. i want my kids to be the followers of islam and the ummah ameen. because on the day of judgement i must answer to allah whta I did for my life and for my kids...! i must practice my islam and improve it day by day. and I can accomplish this with having a partner whose views are the same as mine and who practices the religlion because its islam is her life! may Allah guide me ameen.
but i would like to know what shall I do ? i have explained my parents millions of times the reasons why I want to marry a moslimah like that. and it's only because of the Islam and allah to make him happy. I want to have a better future, the life after the death. and I beleive i can accomplish that by having someone like this sister I am telling you about. please tell me if marrying this moslimah would bring happiness into our family? because when my parents see her, my parents and brothers and sisters would also start to follow islam and practice deen and start wearing the hijab which is a gift from allah. these are my intentions sir. plz tell me if i should go ahead with proposing to the sister in islam for marriage through her parents. even though my parents right now wont accept it, and think she is nothing but just a cover behind the hijab. may allah open up their minds and guide them ameen. can i go ahead with the proposal to the sister in islam through her parents..?
may allah bless you with all the blessings in this world and in hereafter ameen.
salam alikum
jamal

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5 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I would like to say first off that you shouldn't want to marry someone pious hoping that they will change your family's practice or views. Your wife is marrying you, and is to be a blessing to you. Any benefit that she gives toward other relatives is merely extra, not the purpose of marriage. If you are pleased with a particular woman and feel she would help you in this life and in attaining the hereafter, then you should pursue her appropriately.

    That being said, while it is respectful for you to incorporate your family's wishes into your search for a wife, you don't need their permission or blessing if you have believe you have found a good match and their reasons for objecting are selfish or frivolous. However, I suggest you make istikhara for any prospective match, regardless of your family's views.

    The final issue here is that your parents do have a point in that you don't really know someone well just by conversing online or corresponding from afar. People tend to put their best face forward when they are trying to find a spouse, and then when you get married as things get more familiar and comfortable you get to know who someone really is and how they really live their lives. I believe it would be in your best interest to meet this girl you are interested in -several times before marriage if possible- before making a final decision about her. She as well may have wrong ideas about you, and may need to see you for who you really are before she is certain about going forward in marriage.

    A final few words: just remember that marriage is not about finding the ideal spouse and then going on to practice the deen happily ever after. Marriage brings a lot of challenges and will show you and your eventual wife many sides of yourselves you probably didn't realize existed. What you think you know about Islam now will be tested for both of you, and the realities of sharing life with another person who has a whole nafs of their own will be eye-opening. When you bring children into the equation it only gets that much more interesting, so if you have this idea that all you have to do is find someone to share salat and ibadah with you would do best to expand your view a little. Talk to couples in your area who have been married a while and seem happy together, and ask them how marriage really is. Get advice on how to ready yourself for the biggest challenges, and how to keep a relationship growing in the right direciton.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Brother Jamal, As-salamu alaykum,

    If you really feel she is the right one for you, go ahead and marry her, and may Allah make it a successful and blessed marriage.

    Your family's wishes are not binding, because they want you to marry someone who is less pious and not practicing Islam.

    Though your parents might be unhappy at first, they will get over it in time and accept your decision, Insha'Allah.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. -You need to make istikhara

    -You also need references in real life who know her and her family to check on her character and deen. and not only go through what you know of her through her. Also I hope you don't have too rosy of a picture of marriage. Yani yes marriage is very much about religion as that's what our life is about but its also about withholding anger, and being patient and being authentic, and honest and kind and forgiving and I would not make niqab a very very big deal in your mind simply because it is possible that she may wish to do it now but later find out she finds it too difficult. What then becomes of your marriage. so try and base your decision of marriage on her deen and commitment and also on her character and make sure you know that sometimes its easy to 'say i will do niqab' and she well may ! alhamdulillah. BUT just beware and don't base your marriage emotionally on niqab.

    -Do not use her to make dawah to your family because that may cause problems and your family may become more resentful. this is a common mistake some men make. Instead, let your wife be good and patient with them and if they see something from her character and her life, and begin to like her, its possible they may adopt something from her and start to change. But do not burden her with the task of 'giving dawah' to your family directly per say. Allow her space to be on her best behavior and allow your parents to be themselves. Let things develop naturally because relationships take time to grow.

    -Also be careful about conversing with her in a lovey dovey way without supervision. Is it possible to include a third party from her family perhaps..her father or brother or something and have them in on your conversations?
    Because realistically if they are accepting of you, then there is nothing really that needs to be discussed between the two of you that they can't be privy to.

    -Try to be wise about it with your parents. Introduce them to her family. Be firm about your decision if this is really what you want but be very kind with your parents.. can you start to do some extra chores or get them gifts to help them see that you are a dutiful son and try to continue in them and let them know that their participation is important but at the same time politely stand your grand.

  4. my dear brothr

    before thinking about your marriage there is something you have to do. just start praying to Allah just pray that you get a pious wife just pray that your family start practicing Islam and sunnah . and don't wish for her because she is pious because only Allah knows what is good and bad for us .so make duaa that you get a pious family Ameen 🙂

  5. Walikum salam wr wb
    Brother in Islam really nice to know your views.

    May ALLAH pak bless you here & hereafter....

    And sorry I have no idea about the matter

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