Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Getting older but don’t find many men physically attractive

Salaam,

I am a single female in my 30s who prays and although I want to get married, I just don't find a lot of men attractive. I don't think I will have a problem with sex but when I think of marriage, it is the first thing I think of but I know that I could not let a man approach me for sex if I did not find him physically attractive. I would not be able to fulfil his rights. So if I don't find a man good looking then I don't give him a chance. I am not the kind of person who falls for personality after a while and looks matter less. I have never been attracted to someone later, there has to be something there from the start. I have tried to talk to people I don't find attractive physically but I don't take it seriously and put them off deliberately to push them away. I do this because whilst I want to make an effort and look and not be shallow, I can't stand the thought of allowing someone I don't find attractive near me.

I am physically attractive to people and don't look my age so I don't think I am asking for something I don't have but I suppose there are a lot of pretty girls out there who are also younger. This is so important to me that I overlook flaws in character, am not fussed about his job but it is becoming dangerous in that I overlook major faults in terms of religion and even consider men who have slept around before marriage (even though they pray so I think they will change but I know they won't) even though I don't agree with that. They have even attempted to get physical with me and I have been tempted by them but kept away from them to protect myself.

It is against Islam to chase after something like this, in a way the men I want don't want me because otherwise they would approach me. However, I can't force myself to like the other men. I pray to Allah(swt) but msybe I am not doing it properly. Should I keep trying or only talk to men I find good looking to give myself the best chance of long term success?

I feel very shallow but in a way - I feel like I am like a man. Obsessed with youth and beauty and feel I won't be able to perform with a man I didn't find attractive. I know I will be punished for this type of behaviour but I am trying to think long term and if I can't live and be near someone then we sure won't be having a lot of sex and it will end in divorce. I feel like it's that or nothing but I feel like I will be punished if I didn't marry either. Also there is a new danger that I know I can get men who are willing to try with me so I should get married to stay away from adultery.

 

Please advise me - my parents want me to marry a much older man and I don't want to so I started looking online. Whilst people are interested, I just can't bring myself to think a lot of them in that way.

Saleemah81

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2 Responses »

  1. Asalaamu Alaikum,

    Sounds like you have a psychological issue resulting from years of being inundated with images of youth and beauty. Ask yourself, had you not been prone and grown up in a society where body image is glorified, would you have a different mindset to attraction, character and morals.

    My suggestion:

    - Take a break from the internet, TV, media, your mobile phone and busy yourself with learning more, be it Islamic knowledge or other meaningful recreation (if this is reading, then ensure you are reading things that are informative and again, not about sex, marriage, relationships). This will protect you from advances of men, luring you to zina (or vice versa).

    - Seek out a culturally sensitive therapist, preferably who has an Islamic background. Talk about your problems with imagery and attraction, you may think you can find a man whom is physically attractive enough for you to have sex but beauty doesn't last, not for men, not for women, and if the beauty fades, what will you be attracted to then? Would you still be faithful? You need to speak to a counselor or therapist prior to marriage so that you can re-calibrate your mindset.

    - FAST! - If you do not already observe the tenets of faith, practice them, Pray what is obligatory and then build on it so you become more spiritually awoken and conscious of Allah. And follow the advise of the Prophet pbuh and fast, if your desires are getting the better of you, Fast. And don't fast the fast of just hunger, but starve your desires by getting out of the environment you're in and surrounding yourself with the remembrance of God.

    - Make regular tawba (repentance) and pray the Prayer of Need and direct your need to Allah, with sincerity and devotion, and trust that Allah will deliver.

  2. While I do think it's normal and necessary to have preferences, it sounds to me like you are a bit too obsessed with youth and beauty. There's nothing wrong in wanting to be attracted to your spouse...it's even a must, if you ask me. But when you completely disregard a person's character and qualities, are you really looking for a spouse then, or just a sex partner?

    I suggest you speak to a professional that can help you get to the bottom of your obsession and help your love life along. There's no shame in admitting you have commitment issues and need help in order to be able to move on with your life.

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