Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Questions about getting to know someone for marriage and matrimonial websites

The Successful Marriage

The Successful Marriage

Salam All,

I hope inshallah you all are well

I know that there are alot of other people who are looking for advice, on probably more important things, but i just have a question and i have been reading posts here for a while and i went through the database but havent found any that answers my question. So if this questions has been answered before, my apologies, please post a link.


I would like to know the proper islamic way to get to know someone for marriage.

Would it be ok if parents involvement didnt come until your SURE its what you want?

Would it be ok to meet in a very public place, like a Coffee Shop, just to talk and get to know each other? without a wali? If not, can you use a friend as a Wali?

Can you buy each other gifts that is not Mahr?

how long is recommended islamically for an engagement?

I know you are suppose to have limited contact or something but i am having a hard time with this concept, Astagfirulla. I really want Allah to bless my marriage and i want to be married to the same person for A VERY LONG TIME, till death do us aprt as they say.

But if i just know the basic about a person how can i even make the decision for a life time committment?? I want to know the THE PERSON. knowing the person is religious, has a good job, good fame, etc. is important but i wont be marrying those things, i would marrying THE PERSON.

This site is proof enough, some people say they have a "religious" spouse (and i am not saying that is a bad thing) but the way they treat them is awful. If you just know the basics of someone you wont really know if the person is actually a crapy human being.

I mean i dont want to spend YEARS getting to know someone but i WOULD like to meet and talk face to face. Not just with family or whatever.

And of course there is Istikharah to rely on!!!! which is sooooo wonderful i think!!! Allah  perfected islam for us <3

but you also have to do evaluation of the person/situation and pray and ask Allah for guidence but i dont want to do that if i dont really know anything! I was listening to this lecture and the person said that you have to do your part where istikharah is concerned like if your confuse on a decision or something. is this true?? or can i just pray istikharah and thats it???

Ok. i also have one marriage question:

When your are married do you HAVE to ask your husband's persmission to fast and give charity?? i read that. if so, WHY??

As i am on the topic and my post is taking such a long time to post (not complaining) i might as well ask another question related to this topic.

Is matrimonial sites permissible to look for someone for marriage? I mean since you are talkin to a variety of people at the same time. Of course the conversation is totally Halal. I have joined two. So I am just wondering. Muslims are so hard to find in the society i live in and i am not making it an excuse or anything because when Allah says "Be" anything is possible. I am just wondering if its permissible.

Sorry if my post it too long, i just want to get all my questions out cuz its all related.

Thank you for reading.


~ justme







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5 Responses »

  1. Salaams justme

    Firstly I can tell you most men will try it on with a woman if she is alone my strong advise to you is never be alone with any guy. Do not do things that will later make you regret never sacrifice your honor for any guy they are not worth it. If you find it easy to talk to your sister then tell your sister of your where about and your parents you should never lie and be honest your family deserve that and only want the best for you lies do have the habit of catching up. It depends my experience with dating sites were not good and most of the time I found was people were not even interested in marriage. So be aware and be alert at all times never trust any guy with any personal information about you either.

    There is no time limit in engagement every family is different but these days families want to know each other within 1 or 2 years before they give their daughter or son away and also depends on the couple when they chose to marry. As far as I am aware you should not except gifts from mahr because they are nothing to you that's what I was always told and it is haraam.

  2. Two of my friends found their spouse from marriage website. They were engaged in communication for about three months and got married (did their nikkah) within this time period. Alhamdulillah they seem happy and they encourage to do same. Their families knew they were searching for potential spouse but once they knew he was the one they introduced their choice to their family. They did meet for a coffee without any of their wali or friends (note. They had couple of phone conversation before they met up for a coffee) but please note their wali was aware that were in search of potential spouse.

    Having said that all that one of my other friend is also signed up but she does not find the marriage site compatiable for herself- i.e she does not like sharing about herself to strangers on website even though it starts off anonymously. Her family is fully aware that she is registered on the marriage site, seeking for potential spouse.

    And as for you sis. I would say inform your parents that you are going to do your own search for spouse and that you are signed up on two marriage websites. It is important that your parents is fully aware of this part of the info. If you feel unable to inform them then I do not think it is wise for you to do your own search by yourself.

    And if your parents are aware that you are doing your own search then in order to prevent wasting time my advise that you share your pic to the potentional spouse before making any onversation but ensure to see the brother's pic before you share yours to him. there after ask as much relevant questions as possible from the potential spouse.

    And it is best to keep your engagement period as short as possible as there is no such thing as engagement period in Islam.

    I wish you well and Allah swt knows best.

    Your sister,

  3. salam sis

    i agree with you, its very difficult to know what type of person someone is by juseeting them a few times. you will not know their temperment their humour whether they are emotional or romantic . all you can judge on is what they tell you about themselves. if they wamt to marry you they will say anything to make you impressed. its very difficult to really know what your getting into before you marry the one.

    it is much easier for non muslims as they have girlfriend boyfriend relationships prior to marriage so they can really see the real person and then decide whether they want to marry them. but i have known of friends who jave chatted on de phone for long periods of time to get to know the person. but i dont know what the islamoc stand is on this.

    some of my friends who only met their husbamds a few times and got married found that after marriage the persons personality did not match their character as in they saw the true colours after marriage. all you can do sister is find out as much as you can about the person from friends and family and take it from there.

    the real person will come out a couple of months after marriage so make sure your prepared. by not letting your rights go. stand your ground firmly then you will be fine

    inshallah hope you find mr right x

    • Actually doing it the non-Muslim way has many drawbacks and we should not 'look up to it in that way.' One of the things is unrealistic expectations which happens when you fall deeply in love with someone. You seem them as perfect, amazing, soulmate, wonderful - you name it. Everything about them is beautiful. But this vision is flawed and once they start living together as man and wife it's a huge huge shock. Also by dating people invest so much in relationships with people: their emotions, their time, love, touch, bodies etc and many times it doesn't work. It could be that one person wants it to go to marriage, whereas the other sees it as a 'time-pass' Just look around on this site and you will see examples of that.

      So know that means Allah has given us is best. There is no good in doing things the haraam way.

      But at the same time, we do have a right to get to know potential spouses well before marrying them. You are right that a few times is not enough time to get to know someones true personality. Speaking on the phone is fine if someone is around and it should be limited. I actually think excessive talking on the phone/email is more fitnah than meeting in a public place regularly. It leads to more attachment more quickly.

      I advise you to go on a course because I am not well versed in ways to get to know a potential but some ways are getting parents involved early on (essential!) and letting them get to know him/her too as they are more likely to be more objective. Meeting with families present, meeting in public with presence of a friend (observe how they interact with others). Get to see them and know them in a variety of different situations.Getting references from people who know them. Istikhaarah with conviction at an early stage! You can take your time getting to know them provided you follow the important rules:
      -Never be alone in a private place
      - No physical contact/avoid becoming too-overfriendly.

      Remembering Allah really helps and remembering the purpose of your conversation and trying not to let meetings go on all day because standards slip.
      But the point I am trying to make is you have every right to get to know him/her Islamically for as long as you need. You dont need to fall in love/be alone/hold hands etc to get to know someone properly! And do istikhaarah because Allah can see in their heart and see if you both match one another better than you or anyone else can!

      Sara Editor

  4. Thank you everyone, for your responses! I appreciate it, may Allah reward you for your help. Ameen.

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