Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I get back together with my Muslim boyfriend?

Young Muslim men talking

Ex-musician Mutah Beale (formerly known as Napoleon), centre, talks to young Muslim men.

Hi, I would like to get an honest opinion/advice on my situation. At university I dated a Muslim guy who is half Indian/Pakistani. We were together from 2006-2010. I can honestly say that I had a time of my life with him, I loved him dearly, and at that time have thought that we were gonna end up together forever.

During those 4 years he met my whole family and everybody loved him. He was over at my place all the time, but at the same time he was hiding me from his family. Actually he was making many promises that he would introduce me to his side of the family but then would always come up with excuses in the end. He really had hard time telling the truth to his mom.

He would always tell me that he loves me so much and that I was #1 in his life, but then did not have guts to face his mom/family to tell them that we were serious. This hurt me tremendously.

He also led a different lifestyle outside of the house, while around his mom, brothers and family would act totally different & devoted to his religion. For example, we would go out/clubbing, we were intimate, he smoked, drank alcohol, he didn't pray 5x per day, etc., and none of his family members were aware of this. So to me he was just like any other Canadian guy.

In 2010 our relationship ended because he didn't see it work out. I was prepared to meet with his mom and have a very serious conversation regarding the two of us, and was willing to put myself out there but then was stopped by him- cause I think he chickened out. On the day of our break up I decided not to stay in touch with him. It was an extremely hard decision, but I had to do it because that was the only way for me to deal with reality and pain and my emotions at the time. After we broke off he moved to another country to do his medical studies...

After the break up I was tempted many times to contact him in some way but I never did... So last month, after exactly 1.5yrs, I decided to write him an email, saying that it would be nice to see him if he's ever in the area and catch up. He responded instantly saying he would love to see me and that he's tried to reach me for the past 6-8 months, but was out of luck. Few days ago we had a conversation on Skype where he ended up confessing that he still has feelings for me and that he was never able to erase me out of his mind.

He will be coming to my city very soon. I am excited to see him too. I am also clueless as to what's on his mind now, but I have a feeling that he might be proposing us getting back together. I think that I still do love him, but when I think of the past issues I get discouraged because it always brings me to square one - Religion. I respect his religion but I am not willing to convert. I also have a problem with kids being raised Muslim as I am a Christian. I am so torn apart as to what to do. I have always said that he is my soul mate but because of the religion I am just so scared to get back with him and go through same problems all over again, where in the end there is no solution for it.

How smart would it be to try it out for the 2nd time? This time around I don't want to waste time and I would ask him to meet with his family to tell them nothing else but the truth. I would also like to be present when this happens. Is this too much of me to ask?

Thanks!!

- ona


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20 Responses »

  1. Hello Ona,

    I'm going to be a bit blunt in my response, but really it's just a method to expose what you already know. Especially since I am tired of these type of men.

    "He ended up confessing that he still has feelings for me and that he was never able to erase me out of his mind."

    Unless he gets amnesia, there's nothing really special about that confession. It's a nice line people use to get what they want when other avenues haven't worked out for them.

    By the way, if you could get a hold of him, how could he not get a hold of you? Think about that for a bit. Also, I imagine he's going back to wherever to continue his medical studies, so what type of future do you actually envision?

    After 1.5 years, I can pretty much guess what he wants, since being a woman you opened up the invitation to him to resume what he had before. And to keep it short, how would you explain your presence to his family if you were to meet them now? "Hi, we were dating for years and never told you. And we want to do it again in the open regardless of how you feel about it." Is that how you see this unfolding? Is this realistic to expect his family to approve of and sanction?

    Since the religion is a problem for you, how do you expect to deal with the children who will have to be raised as Muslim? Is this scenario realistic?

    Can I be honest? You really don't respect his religion and you don't really respect yours', either. Your stated behavior doesn't show this to be true. You merely tolerate it, but nothing more. The problem will be evident when his family is going to expect more than this from any potential bride in his life. That is why he never showed you around in the first place. Harsh, but true. If you insist on meeting them and thinking this will go over smoothly, they'll probably ask you to leave their house, because you are not just violating their rules, but the tenets of their religion. This is why I say you do not respect it, because if you did, you would realize the potential fallout of such. For emphasis sake, if you respect fire, then you don't play with it, correct?

    You also need to understand that he never respected you, either. He got what he wanted from you since you gave it away so easily. He was able to have you in which ever way he wanted and never had to commit to you. When you asked him to get serious about telling his family, he dumped you. That's the reality of this situation.

    You seem to be unable to recognize that he lied continually, broke his promises and most of all, treated his faith as a plaything, not just for you, but in spite of God. Doesn't that make you pause and reflect beyond the pleasures that you were feeling and make you wonder of how little he thought of God? Doesn't that scare you as a woman, to know that a man disregards the Lord so readily for so many years? Does this sound like a faithful man? How do you expect this to improve?

    And before you answer, think about what he was doing to his family all this time: he lied and deceived them about how he was living and how he was "religious." In our religion, we refer to this as a hypocrite by the verse revealed by God. Here it is for you to read, Chapter 2, Verses 8-9:

    And of mankind, there are some (hypocrites) who say: "We believe in Allah and the Last Day" while in fact they believe not. They [think to] deceive Allah and those who believe, but they deceive not except themselves and perceive [it] not.

    To greater effect, the Qur'an has a full chapter on these people:

    Surah Al-Munafiqoon, Chapter 63, Verse 1-5
    In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful

    When the hypocrites come to you (O Muhammad SAW), they say: "We bear witness that you are indeed the Messenger of Allâh." Allâh knows that you are indeed His Messenger and Allâh bears witness that the hypocrites are liars indeed.

    They have made their oaths a screen (for their hypocrisy). Thus they hinder (men) from the Path of Allâh. Verily, evil is what they used to do.

    That is because they believed, then disbelieved, therefore their hearts are sealed, so they understand not.

    And when you look at them, their bodies please you; and when they speak, you listen to their words. They are as blocks of wood propped up. They think that every cry is against them. They are the enemies, so beware of them. May Allâh curse them! How are they denying (or deviating from) the Right Path?

    And when it is said to them: "Come, so that the Messenger of Allâh may ask forgiveness from Allâh for you", they twist their heads, and you would see them turning away their faces in pride.

    I type this so that you know what you are getting into again, if this man hasn't changed his ways. If he is the same, don't expect much or fool yourself to imagine you deserve more than before, either.

  2. Dear ONA,

    I'll say, DO NOT live in illusions. If the guy really loves you and respects you, he needs to make things respectable for you, that's all about it! Please do not be so emotional and do not justify his weakness and his excuses! You'll regret it, eventually.

    See, you were gracious enough to introduce him to your family. Don't you think, he should have done the same then itself? But like you have said, he's not and in fact very craftily avoided it for a long time.

    I understand your urge to reconnect and all, but try and get over this because in the long run, you will admire yourself for taking this good decision.

    Like Prof. X has very rightly pointed out, this man's cheated & deceived his family, disrespected his religion and God, what more can you expect out of such a man!!!

    It seems, he's only concerned with his needs and well being, and wouldn't mind manipulating people (be it family or complete strangers) to make his life better!

    Look, affection is fine but respect is inevitable!!!

    Do not avoid the impending meeting, I would say rather, go and meet him. But please be strong, calm and composed, do not need to let him now that you're rattled or emotionally still vulnerable. In fact please tell him, in a very nice and pleasant way, that "My affection for you may perhaps never die, but as long as Respect is concerned, I do not respect you and I doubt if I ever can!" which is true, isn't it?

    Do not let yourself down anymore. Self respect is very important!

    • "If the guy really loves you and respects you, he needs to make things respectable for you, that's all about it!" - Good advice, very true.

      One thing I disagree with sister - you should not meet him. Either make an excuse if ytou can't face it or send him a message saying you can't meet him or stay in contact. You made the right decision before and moved on. Meeting him will only open the wounds and cause problems again. And even if he is interested in starting a relationship and it all ends painfully (which it most likely will) you will have to heal all over again. Please think with your head, not your heart. Protect yourself

      • Thanks Sara.

        The reason, I suggested Ona should meet the guy is to let her have a clean break.

        The fact is Ona broke the NO CONTACT and the eventual conversations have already made the guy realise that she still harbours some feelings for him. Perhaps, a reason why he's trying to make the most out of the opportunity he's got. Also, avoiding the guy is like emphasizing the point that his presence rather absence still affects her.

        A last meeting I believe is necessary, for Ona to at least get a proper and conscious closure. It is necessary for her to realise the fact that it's over. It's necessary for the guy to realise, that it's Ona who's now bringing everything to a clean closure. It's a sign of maturity. That Ona's at least dealing with her loss, in a matured and graceful way.

        Also, admitting the fact that she may always have affection for him, but never respect, is very necessary. The guy needs to realise the value of the woman he took for granted! She gave him every RESPECT he deserved, but he's lost it now!!! He needs to realise, if not now then perhaps in the long run, that the loss is / was mutual. If she lost his love, he lost her respect.

        My only point is everyone makes mistake, the best are those who learn out of their mistakes. Perhaps, this relationship was meant for the people to learn something out of it. Life happens, people part, but it's always good to end things on a good, honest and healthy note. You may not be together for life, but if you have crossed path, then am sure God had his reason. Live upto it. I am sure, God will help Ona walk through this, gracefully.

        • The need for closure is natural. However, I dont think it is possible to get 'closure' from the breakdown of friendships.
          However when sought it only lead to arguments and pain.

          Only when you leave it alone, deal with the pain and fight the urge to contact him or his family will the healing process begin. The writer has no idea what will happen. He may ask for her back. He may say hurtful things to her, or try to get her to be in a sinful relationship. This puts her in a very awkward position. Either way doubt any good can come out of it.

          It is really not worth it. Because it doesn't matter how much she have matured or whether he values her or not. Realising this is a key of healing which will take some time to realise. And by meeting him she is feeding this motion that he matters or that she matters to him. She is her own person now - an individual- that can and will be happy without this guy.

          So don't meet him. Don't actively avoid him if it makes you think abotu him more but don't start contacting him or chatting to him. (E.g if you bump into him randomly just say hi and that's it. Don't engage in convo with him and don't run and hide either.)

          Sara

          • Asalaam alaikum,

            From a man's point of view, if she meets him, it's a signal to him that she is giving him an open invitation to restart where they left off: dating and fornicating with no commitment, if his intentions have not changed.

            This young woman is susceptible to his sweet words, which she bought hook, line and sinker for 4 years and when she pressed the issue, he dropped her like yesterday's newspaper. So there's no incentive for him to think of her in higher regards than before, without any serious inquires of his state of mind being known at this time.

            In this specific situation, meeting for this reason of closure is unnecessary, as more than likely, he'll take her to dinner and attempt to seduce her, if not right then, then laying the groundwork for later. She hasn't drawn any limits on herself in this regard with her emotions laid bare, and knowing this, he will be able to exploit it.

            I use blunt language like "dumped" and "yesterday's newspaper for a very specific reason: this is how women are treated despite what they "wish" to romanticize in cases like these. On the opposite side, when a man is serious about a woman, he doesn't let her go unless she refuses him. He'll constantly think of her, strive to please her in every way and with the right intentions, pursue her for marriage. Yet, it was evident that this was his party girl who he never had to be religious or serious about.

            In this situation, what this man did in the past was to place her into certain category: a woman who he sweats with occasionally. That is a very disgusting way to look at it, but it's a horrible truth that women in dating relationships don't realize quickly enough. After 4 years, he never valued her more than that. He didn't go the distance for her, he didn't fight for her and he didn't bring her true love and affection.

            I say this to all of you sisters, as a man who has witnessed other men do this without ever considering how much they hurt these poor women, who are creations of Allah (swt). If this man had seen her this way, as God's servant, then he would have never treated her as such. To treat her as anything less is not only a humiliation to her, but an affront to Allah (swt), Himself.

          • What everyone's talking about what the meeting will lead to has anyway already happened with the contact our lady has initiated. Chickening out at the nth moment will only leave her wondering things for her entire life, what if! And like I have already said emphasize the fact that this fellow is still affecting her life.

            In fact in case, she chooses to avoid meeting this guy, he might in all possibilities pursue her to make her fall for his charms all over again only to eventually make her feel terrible.

            Instead, why not cut this sharp and clear? In fact, would be good if this guy gets rude or nasty, it will only help our lady realise this fellow's not worth her wait!!!

            I want Ona, to face the situation, handle it gracefully, and end things on a note where at least she's got no reason to wonder what if! Let her see it for herself one more time, how manipulative this guy still can be! The best thing is now she does not have any reason left to beat around the bush. Let the guy try and sweet talk her, she can be straightforward and drive home a point, that since he's not involved his family, since there's no future to this, she doesn't think they can think in terms of reviving their relationship.

            Of course, all of us have made our stance clear, that a second chance with this guy is a BIG NO! There's no future to this and Ona needs to face it too. One last meeting will only help her with this!

            What Prof. X has described "from a man's POV" might be true. But what he's described has already happened! My only point is why should Ona carry the burden of this man's actions all her life? She's been honest, she's been fair, it's the guy who needs to fear her, who needs to avoid her and not Ona. This meeting is her chance to convey him, he can't play around with her anymore.

            That he's been mean to her, but she's still got the strength to put all of that behind and move on! That she's strong enough to handle situations involving a man (who betrayed her trust and affection) in a dignified way! That's her victory and believe me, this episode will help her regain immense strength and self worth.

            Avoiding the man, is accepting the fact that this man has damaged her as a person and she will never be the same again. Why should one let him have that pleasure or whatever?

            Abyway, at the end of it all, I am glad and content with the fact that we're all, in our own little ways, trying to protect this lady from getting hurt again. That's a huge sign in itself, that God's watching her and trying his best to help her.

            So Ona, please be strong and do what you think is necessary for you to heal, for you to feel stronger, and for you to move on. Believe me you, you have a great life ahead.

            God Bless You.

          • Asalaam alaikum,

            You have to understand the dynamic of a woman who makes excuses for a man constantly in which he degrades her by not honoring her as he should. That's the crucial realization that she didn't make before and she failed to keep that clear when she reconnected with him. Read her words again to see her intent. It wasn't for closure. She doesn't need to wonder "what if" as long as she is mature enough to see that she has only set herself up this time.

            She is already susceptible to him, which in her post she made clear for 4 years and even now, till the writing of her post. She actually doesn't have to go out of her way to avoid him, either. He's been overseas for 18 months, he never contacted her (his excuse is rubbish) and she was the one who initiated contact. She has only set the stage for him to return on his terms and not hers', which she should never have considered.

            The reason I emphasize it, is because Ona is setting herself up all over again and has a problem seeing that, herself. In this scenario, she is not in a position of power, he is. I'm going to show you how I can come to this conclusion by dissecting her words.

            So last month, after exactly 1.5yrs, I decided to write him an email, saying that it would be nice to see him if he's ever in the area and catch up.

            This sentence is proof that Ona never moved on and is nostalgic for something that was never "right" in the first place. What she said to him reeks of desperation and any man would sense that. He already knew her vulnerability from that moment, yet again. Remember, he knows how to manipulate her and just needs an opening.

            He responded instantly saying he would love to see me and that he's tried to reach me for the past 6-8 months, but was out of luck.

            This is where he 'pounced,' like a predator on prey. His excuse is pathetic.

            Few days ago we had a conversation on Skype where he ended up confessing that he still has feelings for me and that he was never able to erase me out of his mind.

            Refer to my "amnesia" comment earlier. Yet realize this: for Ona to type this shows how much she is already buying into glossed over lies and previous broken promises. Think I'm exaggerating about what I've typed so far? Then read the bold type below.

            He will be coming to my city very soon. I am excited to see him too. I am also clueless as to what's on his mind now, but I have a feeling that he might be proposing us getting back together. I think that I still do love him, but when I think of the past issues I get discouraged because it always brings me to square one - Religion.

            I respect his religion but I am not willing to convert. I also have a problem with kids being raised Muslim as I am a Christian.

            Even with the above realization, she could not resist in contacting him again.

            I am so torn apart as to what to do. I have always said that he is my soul mate but because of the religion I am just so scared to get back with him and go through same problems all over again, where in the end there is no solution for it.

            The word "soulmate." Even despite everything that has happened to this point and knowing they are incompatible, she still uses this word. That's a big red flag.

            How smart would it be to try it out for the 2nd time?

            She already knows it's pointless, but she cannot realize it, so she asks this question we all know the answer to.

            This time around I don't want to waste time and I would ask him to meet with his family to tell them nothing else but the truth. I would also like to be present when this happens.

            This is another excuse she offers to herself to recapture what never was, in the first place, and it won't happen as she thinks it will. Why should it? She already gave up everything before and has no position from which to demand anything. He can lose her again, as it didn't affect him for 18 months.

            Is this too much of me to ask?

            Even with her "demand" up above, she still is trying to allow him enough room to squirm out of it. Therefore meeting him, is pointless and only detrimental to herself. He has absolutely nothing to lose. She risks more possible humiliation, however. Just showing up is below womanly dignity.

            Moving on means to move past the desire for reconciliation or revenge in this situation. If she thinks that she can go out on a high note, he'll just respond, "You emailed me, I didn't email you." That right there, because it's true, is where his power lies. Ona's strength is anything but, at this point.

          • Agreed. Ultimately the decision lies with Ona, but I hope she does the right thing and does not put herself in a vulnerable situation by meeting him. But InshaAllah one day she will be in a position to know she is stronger and she doesn't need him. Not meeting him does not mean she is 'not over him.' Its just her way of protecting herself, I believe.
            Prof X, are you a psychologist?

  3. Salaams,

    I'd like to share what I'm seeing, if I may. What I'm seeing here with this young man, is someone who was living a double life. As you said, he was hiding you from his family the first time around. Not only that, but he was living a lifestyle with you that his parents would have dissapproved of. More importantly, that lifestyle was not congruent with the Islamic faith at all. While he may have seemed like an "average guy" to you at the time, inside his heart he may have been wrestling with the fact that what he was doing was not consistent with who he should've been trying to be. Any Muslim, male or female, who has a grain of conviction in their faith, is going to have to face that at some point if they are living in disobedience. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the sting of wanting to "get his life right" is part of what led to him ending the relationship with you the first time.

    Now, I don't know what happened in the meantime with him or where he is now, but what I see as the bottom line is that it didn't work out the first time, so it probably won't work out the second either. Even if he's not serious about his faith again now, there's a chance he might be in the future. If that happens, that issue will be put squarely in front view if you two re-connect. If it plays out like that, where he is with you and wants to get serious about his faith, then he is naturally going to want you to at least show some interest in his beliefs so you can support his practice of it as a girlfriend or wife (even if you do not convert). I think he knows deep down that there is probably not a strong chance of you flowing in that direction with him, so while he may yet have feelings for you, he knows the core of what he needs from a woman is not there. All these are facts regardless of his parents' views.

    What I sense from you is that you want to have a relationship with him like you had before the first breakup. You want to have the fun times and the closeness and connections and have it be lifelong. While that's completely understandable, it's not realistic. No Muslim can live like that for any length of time and it not eventually catch up with him, particularly when marriage and children come into play. You love the memories of who he was and what it was like to be with him while he was in that state, but I don't believe that's something you will ever capture again with him. He may have some good memories of that too, but deep down he probably knows it's not meant for him to live that way or to marry that way. Unless you're ready and willing to let that idea of a relationship go and be open to the idea of a more "Islamic" relationship with him, I doubt you will find what you are looking for with him.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. dear ona,

    dont and i repeat DONT ever see this guy , even if you were a muslim he would have never married you. men like him dont respect others, live a double life and for them the excuse is always my RELIGION or my FAMILY etc. they are spine less creatures. honestly , you write my words somewhere and time will tell you, he must be having other affairs since he has broken up with you and he will marry a girl from back home as per his family's choice, he will than have this woman( wife ) at home and then keep on having affairs outside and more kids inside home.

    run away, God has shown you a way to RUN AWAY now and DONT ever , ever see this man again, otherwise be ready to write another post here 'muslim boyfriend broke my heart'

  5. Ona,

    Heed the old saying, "burn me once, shame on you"..."burn me twice, shame on me." Move on...you are so much more than you are allowing yourself to be. I totally understand you still love him even though he discarded you without any regards to your feelings and how deeply he hurt you but, do you really want to go through all that pain and hurt again? That's how it is going to be...don't kid yourself. Don't end up being a "booty call" for him, you really deserve someone who will value and respect you. My best advice, don't meet up with him. I imagine it will be a meeting that you will eventually come to regret.

    Best of luck to you no matter what you decide.

  6. @Prof. X,

    The reason why all of us are trying to advice Ona against a second chance is written all over her post. In fact, a reason, why all of us promptly responded to it. Your elaborate explanation is not required to convince me. I understand things anyway and like I have already stated in my earlier post above, the entire excercise by all of us is to only protect this lady.

    Also, everything you have said, would have been plausible, if she would have raised the question BEFORE communicating to the guy, after 1.5 year, before having conversations with him for almost a month, before inviting him to meet up!

    Inviting and then denying the meeting now, will only be a sign of emotional INSTABILITY and hence vulnerability. Facing the object of one's grief, is a brave step forward to recovery. Never anything below dignity!

    @ Sara,

    I have said, "So Ona, please be strong and do what you think is necessary for you to heal, for you to feel stronger, and for you to move on. Believe me you, you have a great life ahead."

    I am not asking her to do what I have suggested. She knows her reasons and circumstances best and I will never compel anyone to think on the lines I do. I have not posted my replies to ensure she follows my advice or I am right!

    But you have said, "Agreed. Ultimately the decision lies with Ona, but I hope she does the right thing and does not put herself in a vulnerable situation by meeting him."

    We can only express our views and justify them at the best. We can never say what is RIGHT and what is WRONG, that again is a very personal line of belief.

    Anyway. I have expressed my views in great details, and now I'll wish Ona, immense strength and patience to sail through this difficult period in her life. I am more than sure God will see her through this. Amen!

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      I apologize for beating a dead horse, but the exercise of confrontation comes with a caveat: a position of power, which is something that Ona does not possess at her point of writing and will not earn through a meeting. She doesn't even admit that she is in grief, thereby admitting the problem and remorse is not present. These are crucial steps, beforehand.

      Instead, her reformation comes separately upon self building. I write about it at such length, because so many women on this website who post about men like these find themselves susceptible, time after time, of accepting the same patterns of behavior from their selfish partners no matter the ultimatums or the amount of confrontations. They fail to value their self worth and fight against the inevitable.

      What is sad, is that they continually make avenues of escape for their partner, but not for themselves. Ona is emotionally unstable and vulnerable, which is evident. A woman who endures being kept a secret, for 5.5 years now, from a man's family gives up a huge part of her human dignity. She would bring him to her family, but endured never meeting his. That says a lot about what she lost before. Recovery of her heart takes longer than she has allowed.

      In the same way an alcoholic should avoid being in a bar, a porn addict being alone with a computer on a lonely night, a drug addict visiting the old familiar places, etc,. a woman like Ona should avoid this man. More to the point, Ona's confrontation is with her own reflection. In fact, if she works on herself first, she will see she does not need him or to waste any more time on him.

      Ona has yet to seek God on her journey of self composure. Her emotions are conflicted with her mind. She knows everything not to do, but still does it. She has knowledge, but not belief in her self, her experience and most importantly in God. That is where all strength, recovery and healing resides.

      It's not about even this man, then. It's about surrendering to God.

    • salam
      i dont understand why you are arguing with Professor X, everything they have written has been said with knowledge, common sense, and truth.. worded perfectly and wonderful advice! If this was a Muslim girl, would you have suggested for her to meet with this guy and tell him that? It is definitly best for her to just let him go and ignore him, she did a good job of ignoring him for 1.5 years but gave in afterwords, while he could have easily emailed her but didn't. She is making herself so easy to this guy and he will continue enjoying it.
      Anyways.. continuing to my original point... even though this guy is not practising Islam properly (or at least wasn't when they were together based on this sisters post), we shouldnt encourage this sister to meet up with him, the less influence he has into falling back into his old habits, the better.

  7. Ona if you have already met this guy before this post was published then I strongly advise you to break contact with him ASAP, regardless of whatever he has promised.

    I pray that God guides you to the truth and helps you with this difficulty.
    Ameen.

  8. I have a similar situation , although with less time put in.

  9. I wish Ona gets the courage and power to handle this situation. I am in a very difficult situation at the moment.

    • Sasha, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll answer you in turn Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. You need to be clear what you want:
    a) Meet to 'just' meet him.
    b) Meet to 'meet his family' and try a second time.

    Right now, it seems, although you wanted is 'a' when you emailed him, after the skype conversation you went all 'b'.

    How smart would it be to try it out for the 2nd time? This time around I don't want to waste time and I would ask him to meet with his family to tell them nothing else but the truth. - How smart eh? If it was me, I wouldn't even contact this guy- ever. I wouldn't even try a 2nd time. You know why? Look at this guy- he has 2 face. Do you want to marry a person with two face? In one side he is all pious and in another side he used to have a girlfriend (you know that is forbidden in Islam). Even if I was a non-Muslim and had a non-Muslim boyfriend (astagfirullah) even then I wouldn't contact a guy like- two faced.

    But if you still think that you want to be with this guy, because somehow, you see goodness in him and:
    I would also like to be present when this happens. Is this too much of me to ask?- Not it's not too much to ask. In fact I'd encourage you to talk to this guy at first (you should take someone with you) and then with the guy (and that someone with you) go to his parents. Of course, you will do this IF the guy agrees.

    But sister don't get your hopes too high. He might still be reluctant to tell his parents about you.

    And wait, Islam requires that children be raised Muslims (if the father is Muslim). And as you stated- you don't want your children to be raised Muslim.

    So answer me this: how willing are you to give the two-face another chance? How willing are you let raise your children Muslim? How willing are you to open your wounds after 1.5 years?

    I want to clearly state that I encourage you to talk to him about 'marriage' not 'getting back'. I am not encouraging you to engage in any haram relationship or act. And remember, that 'dating' isn't an option (not in Islam) and not for you in your case. So what if he's like ' No, I don't want to tell about you to my parents Ona.' How will you react to that? Do you have a plan for that?

    It has both risk (of hurting yourself) and potential (what if he agrees to introduce you to his family). But given the history (two faced guy) and your mentality (you don't want your children to be raised Muslim) there's a lot to be calculated before you decide what to do. And honestly, it's more upto you- it's more for you to calculate.

    Btw you must have had a very confusing time with your Muslim exboyfriend and I feel ashamed that a brother of mine has acted this way. For all the sorrow and misguidance from him, I'd like to apologise. I'm sorry. I pray that this ex boyfriend of yours find his way back in Islam (the way he acted when he 2 years back wasn't ideal for a Muslim) and I pray that you can find truth and happiness (with or without him).

    I'd like to share this link with you http://islamiclearningmaterials.com/how-become-muslim-jedi

    Take care.
    Stay strong.

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