Assalam O Alaikum,

My father asked my mother to look for girl for my marriage. When my mother short listed the girl she asked me to meet the girl and wanted me to confirm if I wish to marry her. After my approval my mother spent 3 months understanding the family and girl’s religious beliefs, family values and how good the match is. Once she confirmed everything she went to my father and he discarded the family without even meeting them. My mother asked me to talk to my father and on her suggestion I requested my father to at least meet the family he told me that my mother is wrong in choosing a girl for you and I am getting emotional about it. My mother really liked the girl and her family and she wants me to get married to her.

Also, I would like to mention she is an air hostess and she is willing to leave her job after marriage. She is doing the job because of the financial issues at home.

Following are the concerns my father raised;

1-     She is an air hostess.

2-     What my family and friends will say.

3-     Your mother should look for someone else.

My mother categorically told me that she will not find any girl for me because my father has disapproved the girl she chose and she clearly told my father the same. I have talked to my father 3 times and he disapproved all my requests without giving me the clear reason. Since then my mother and father are not on the talking terms. I started liking the girl and really wish I get married to her.

I would like to know the following;

1-    Can I marry the girl if my father disapproves?

2-    Who’s side should I take my mother‘s or my father’s?

3-     What does Islam say when there is a conflict of decision between parents?

By the grace of Allah I earn well and I can afford my marriage. If I choose to marry the girl my father will ask me to leave the house and live somewhere else. I do not wish to displease my father or mother but I really like the girl. In the light of Islam could you suggest me something? I am confused and really worried over the situation.

Omarif.

Leyla's Answer:

Salaam Omarif,

I am sorry that you have found yourself in this situation where you are not very clear on which way to go.  What you are dealing with here is a parental conflict with each parent having a different agenda for different reasons. Such disputes are raised in the Quran regarding child rearing:

“If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no sin on them” [al-Baqarah 2:233]

What we can learn from this verse is that Allah encourages dialogue and discussion - asking for parents to reach an agreement or a mutual consent. Therefore my first advice to you is to collect the family together and have a discussion about your options, and debate them until there is some level of agreement on a particular course of action. An example outcome is that you may need to ask more questions, or you may have to visit the girls family - or you may pursue marriage, or you may not. The key thing is to encourage a dialogue so that your decision is a process which everyone in your household can agree on. You may ask (openly) what are your father's concerns? What are your mother's likes? And go from there, until you can all agree on a particular course of action.

Regarding obedience to parents in regards to marriage, Ibn Abi Shaybah narrated in his Musannaf that Abu Talhah al-Asadi said: I was sitting with Ibn ‘Abbaas and two Bedouins came to him and spoke with him. One of them said: “I was looking for a camel of mine and I stayed with some people. I liked a girl of theirs so I married her, and my parents swore that they would never accept her. I swore that I would free a thousand slaves give one thousand gifts and slaughter one thousand camels if I divorced her.” Ibn ‘Abbaas said: “I am not going to tell you to divorce your wife or to disobey your parents.” He said, “What should I do with this woman?” He said: “Honour your parents.”

There is only one exception to obedience to parents in regards to marriage and that is if your parents are asking you to take an action that is unIslamic, when you seek to take an action that is Islamic. In this instance, if it were the case that your mother wanted you to marry a Muslim and your father wanted you to marry an aethiest, then the correct thing to do would be to obey your mother in this regard.

Overall, it is difficult for you to move forward whilst your parents disagree - so I would recommend starting a discussion about this in which everyone can have their say, everyone can put their case forward and then some decision regarding the next step can be made in agreement.

Peace,

Leyla

Editor, Islamic Answers