Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Muslim girlfriend goes into a trance, is it the effect of an evil curse?

The epileptic brainI need some advice and help concerning my Muslim girlfriend, I love her so much and don't know what to do or how to help her thats why I have found this great site and hopefully someone can help or give me advice in what to do.

I am a non-Muslim French guy but we have talked about me becoming Muslim but that's not the problem as I would become Muslim, my girlfriend suffers from evil curses and goes into trance like states and she said its because people are doing things on her.

It is hard for me to understand but I have stuck with her through it but its getting worse.

Sometimes she does not see me for a week on end and shuts herself away from me and her family and brothers.

I have not yet spoken to her brothers about this but not sure what to do.

What should I do can someone please give me advice on how to help her?.


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14 Responses »

  1. Salaam Brother,

    Are you certain that it is not epilepsy? People with epilepsy often go into trance-like states. These trance like states are actually fits. I would advise that you encourage her to see a doctor and explain her symptoms to rule out any illnesses that cause fits or seizures before exploring other options for explaining her trances.

    Peace,
    L

  2. Salaam,

    I have to agree with Sister Leyla. I had friend many years ago who would go into what we thought was a trance. Later we found out that he had epilepsy. After many years of fighting it he died in his sleep. If you really care about this sister, please try to convince her to go to a doctor.

    Abdul Wali

  3. salaam

    i concur with abdul wali
    it does sound like she has epilepsy

    ma3 el salamah

  4. Asslam O Alaikum brothers and sisters. I have sent my question like 2-3 months ago but it never got published even when I e-mailed it to brother Wael. If brother Wael still remembers it.

  5. walikum aslam wr wb brother mks

    First of all although zina is a major sin and utterly shameful and disrespectful, secondly it can be forgiven, just make intention never to do it again as the person who refrains his tongue and private parts will go to jannah insha'Allah. A fornicator is required to marry a fornicator in islam so you shouldnt seek out virgins only.

    I find it quite odd that you say you went to muslim marriage events and found it hard to meet anyone when you are good looking and you actually said that most sisters at these events are over 30. There is only 3 years difference!!!! i dont understand why you are so prejudiced when you said you will consider divorcees, widows anulled (i think you dont mean this and perhaps that is the problem - YOU!).

    Sometimes younger sisters (well ok most times) will want someone who has a good career and obviously a supervisor is not that hot up there with doctor, lawyer, engineer ertc so pretty young sisters dont mind going for older brothers who have more potential and could provide more.

    You need to change your standards and settle for older sisters and those who do seem to be keen on you as opposed to younger ones who are looking for a better 'catch'.

    I hope this helps. Its very straight forward but honest.

    waslam

    • Salma, you are wrong to advise mks to marry a fornicator only. Since he has made tawbah, he is not considered a fornicator. This admonition of the Quran, that a fornicator should marry only a fornicator, is a reference to someone who is living an ongoing sinful lifestyle, not someone who has repented and turned to Allah.

      I actually meant to delete mks' comment here, since it does not relate to the post, but I forgot.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • brother wael

        Yes it says in the quran that a fornicator should only marry a fornicator and after repentance its ok but i think in society we all repent and hope to be forgiven but how many of us actually want to marry fornicators who pretend they are not? anyway one of the reasons i said it is to admonish and let others know how serious the issue is.

        Secondly we are not to mention our sins in public as people are made to be our witnesses on day of judgement.

        brother mks

        Im sorry if i offended you but sometimes honesty is the best policy when giving advice. You do seem abit immature as you had one bad experience at a marriage event and that led to such low self esteem!,

        You said ....

        'This was my first experience of attending any event where I found myself either quite young (because 80% or more sisters and brothers were above 30) or not having a proper career.'

        and this seemed to be a problem so i didnt understand if you didnt mind marrying someone 5-6 older why 30 would be a problem as its 3 yrs older!!!. Also you will find the career will be an issue with younger sisters or prettier sisters who naturally will want someone with a better lifestyle and wealth (amongst other things) so they will tend to opt for a better 'package' as they are likely to get it. You wont find many younger sisters at these events because they 'still have a good chance' so to speak.

        Anyway i hope i never offended any bro or sis, just explaining afew basic things.

        waslam

  6. Sister Salma,
    Asslam-o-Alaikum,
    Thanks for taking some time out to share your views on my problem but I Must say that I don't agree with what you said regarding my views on women being married, annulled, separated or being virgin or else. Sister, I do come from a society, culture or country where women are not treated in a good way at all but I don't see them as inferior to men (in fact they are superior especially the status of a mother, no man on earth can match her status even father), or don't expect my future wife to be virgin as these are silly views, ideas and thoughts of ignorant men in general. Also, being a women, I hope you know that, a women can loose virginity without having sex in a number of ways (let's not get into that). Apart from that what about those women who converted to Islam from other religions being in pre-marital relationships like boyfriend etc. What about those girls who were raped, molested or had sex consensual/forced for what soever reason. Does it mean they don't deserve to get married and have a loving family, a caring husband and children. What matters is present and future, past is gone and only Allah can judge people and decide on whether to forgive them or punish them.
    Regarding my sin sister, I regret that everyday and I don't know what else to do, I have totally cut myself from every thing that can possibly divert my attention or lead me toward anything Haram. I go to gym, spend my time with friends, surf internet to increase my knowledge of religion or to entertain myself. But, as you know it's something that I can't change, in fact no one can. Again, I must say that whatever I did was a mistake. I don't particularly seek a future partner who is virgin (because that's utter non-sense and un-islamic). Even if I want to find a virgin, then what's the guarantee, I don't think I would like to bring this kind of subject up when getting to know any sister. I know, it matters to a lot of guys but not me, like I said what matters is present and future, past is past and we should not judge people on their past (knowingly or unknowingly). Also, I should ask myself, what I have to offer to my future spouse.
    Regarding sisters who are separated, annulled, divorced or single mothers. This could happen to anyone's sister, daughter, mother etc and a lot of times it's not in one's control. It doesn't mean that they don't deserve to live a happy life by getting married. I wrote this to only show that, it doesn't matter to me personally, but in our Muslim Society, sisters who got divorced, separated, annulled etc are not seen in a good way (which is so sad and we must stand against it). I KNOW THIS FROM MY OBSERVATION THAT A MARRIED MUSLIM WOMEN WILL DO ANYTHING TO SAVE HER MARRIAGE, NO MATTER WHAT SHE HAS TO GO THROUGH AND HOW MUCH SHE HAS TO SACRIFICE. That is what distinguishes a Muslim Women from all other women and I am proud of them.
    Age isn't an issue, I mentioned this just to reflect that I don't mind anyone even if she is 5-7 years older than me not the other way around. I don't seek young girls of 18-20 years of age, because age gap could create a lot of problems too, also, 90% girls in that age are not serious and don't know what does it mean to be a wife or being in a relationship. Personally I wouldn't marry someone who is more than 5-6 years younger than me and I have my reasons on that which if discussed and satisfied than I won't mind.
    On career sister, I don't seek doctor, accountant, lawyer or engineers as my spouse as it will raise my status in society. Why? because I am not interested in her status in society, being too good looking, earning 6 figure salary etc. I will go for a girl who is somewhat practicing or willing to improve (as no one is perfect, in fact I would like someone who is more practicing than I am so that she can improve me as well). A good mother, a good daughter-in-law, natural not superficial, someone who is very laid back, someone with a positive attitude toward everything, a friend.
    Personally sister, I am improving myself career wise and Alhamdullilah trying to find a relevant job in management, marketing accounts etc but as you know current market conditions are not favourable for fresh graduates, so I am applying for jobs and praying to Allah Almighty for a good job. However, at present Alhamdullilah, I am earning a good sum and can afford a family.
    On a final note, everyone is special in many ways sister and I won't marry a girl who thinks she has everything like career, looks, personality, height, or whatever is in the market today. Why? because that won't work with me seriously, instead I will go for a girl who I will have a better understanding Insha Allah. Also, I still have a proposal of my cousin, who is a doctor and practicing house job, average looks, moderately religious but we don't connect very well, like our thoughts, ideas, likes, dislikes, etc are way way different. Because, marriage is a pact and one should read the terms and conditions carefully before signing it as there is no way out once you are in:)-
    May peace be with you.
    Your brother in Islam :- Mks_1982

  7. Assalam O Alaikum brother Wael:)-

    Thanks for your views brother. Brother, could you kindly remove my question from this post. I didn't realise that it's still under this post. I will appreciate that if you could do that when you get time. May Allah bless you in particular and other brothers and sisters on the panel in general for this great work. (Amin)
    Waslam, Mks1982

  8. Assalam O Alaikum Sister Salma:)-

    Sister, I don't know how did you get this impression that I got offended when I tried to be as friendly while replying. Also, I am not that sensitive or touchy who is offended so easily besides you didn't say anything which would have annoyed or offended me. So, pls stop the guess work, if you can:)-.
    Secondly, I suggest that you should read the Quran with Tafseer and in the right context. When it says; "A fornicator should not marry anyone but a fornicator" it refers to those who are living an ongoing sinful life as brother Wael said. Secondly, I bet you forgot the part about those people who made a mistake and repent and ask for Allah almighty's forgiveness with a promise to not to repeat that mistake again.
    ( I m sorry if i offended you but sometimes honesty is the best policy when giving advice. You do seem abit immature as you had one bad experience at a marriage event and that led to such low self esteem!,

    You said ....

    'This was my first experience of attending any event where I found myself either quite young (because 80% or more sisters and brothers were above 30) or not having a proper career.)
    Yes! not sometimes but all the times honesty is the best policy when giving advice but first one has to see the things in the right prospect like what the person is actually saying. I might have said that when I was writing that I have been to only one event but between then and now I have been to 3 other events as well.
    How is that being immature, you should count my 3 years on marriage website as well, can you still say that only that one experience led to my low self esteem? Alhamdullilah, I have changed a lot since then and left everything on Allah almighty. Because he (swt) is the best planner of everything. I am not bothered about my future spouse career at all and my last reply has quite detail on that.
    I mentioned age because I am not seeking particularly a young spouse as is the case with many guys but even those elder sisters in the event weren't serious at all. In one of the recent events I was approached by a 39 year old sister and I didn't refuse to talk at all when other guys were just looking at me in amazement. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO WRITE OR WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM BUT I HOPE THIS WILL HELP YOU UNDERSTAND MY POINT. Age isn't an issue but seriousness, maturity, superficiality etc definitely are the issues with a lot (not all) of sisters.
    (Also you will find the career will be an issue with younger sisters or prettier sisters who naturally will want someone with a better lifestyle and wealth (amongst other things) so they will tend to opt for a better 'package' as they are likely to get it. You wont find many younger sisters at these events because they 'still have a good chance' so to speak.)

    This statement of yours makes me laugh dear sister and I am kind of thinking that which world you are living in. You have totally ignored the ground realities while saying that prettier, younger sisters have a choice to choose a brother with a nice "Package". It sure is true in very very few cases but mostly not for sure, in fact it's other way around. You should attend those events and see for yourself or check the Marrige website just to see that there are prettier, younger sisters with a career such as lawyer,doctor,accountant, engineering etc, who are still struggling to find a suitable brother for marriage. It's not always true that a sister will marry a guy with a good package (however, every girl 100% will look for a guy who can support a family). It has more to do with compatibility, mutual understanding etc. Again it differs from person to person.
    Personally sister believe me I have many option,if, I want to go for prettier or younger girls but there are other things which I consider more than looks and age. Besides, sadly to say that most of the sisters don't have a choice to make a decision yet but just a very few can choose and pick(there are many factors which contribute to this and it isn't a good practice at all and should be discouraged) I hope you understand the point here.
    Thanks for lightening me up:)-
    Wasalam, Mks1982:)-

  9. walikum aslam wr wb

    regarding the fornicating thing i dont want to keep going on about it but lets be honest how many of you bros wouldnt mind if your wife had slept around with 20 men and then became really regretful and repented?!. Yes its Allah that forgives but i can see how the tafsir can be used in a negative way. I personally think those people who repented should marry those who also repented as that is only fair.

    sorry i thought u were complaining that the younger girls wernt at the events and only 30+ were so you had no choice thats what it sounded like and i wanted to point out the reason. With regards to the following....

    'It sure is true in very very few cases but mostly not for sure, in fact it's other way around. You should attend those events and see for yourself or check the Marrige website just to see that there are prettier, younger sisters with a career such as lawyer,doctor,accountant, engineering etc, who are still struggling to find a suitable brother for marriage. It's not always true that a sister will marry a guy with a good package (however, every girl 100% will look for a guy who can support a family). It has more to do with compatibility, mutual understanding etc. Again it differs from person to person.'

    Bro im a sis i KNOW what im talking about, its probably 90% of the women and those that are young who want the package. This is just some advice because some bros seem to be totally oblivious to how women think these days. Think about if you think you are intelligent, have a good career like a lawyer, youngish and good looking why would you settle for less? girls think the same way these days, unless they are from abroard in which case theyll marry anything with a pulse to get a visa. In the old days women didnt have education they had to rely on men so now they dont they have a wider choice and can be abit more pickier.

    I have pretty cousins masha'Allah who are doctors surgeons teachers (females) and i have freinds both practising and not pravctising, the FIRST thing a prac and non prac sister will think about is his career followed by education, then it will be usually lifestyle (if he is living at home or if he is indepenant) religion, culture, personality and looks, increasingly women are going for looks too.

    The reason why those successful sisters are not married is beacuse they want the whole package and the bros dont seem to have that. My cousins are in the same dilemma they want it all but they say they only want a normal guy lol. But when they meet normal guys they dont want to know because deep down they want someone who is 'compatible' with their looks, personalities, careers and can basically provide well for them.

    Generally this is the situation, if you are lacking in something wether its looks, age, career, wealth, then its hard to get married wether your male or female so people should be intelligent about it and realise this (i have said that to freinds and family before) theres no point going into a strop and being depressed because this is how life is and you should make the best of what you got or can get. Im not saying marry the the 'ugliest' or oldest girl around but you know what your capable of because you've seen the sisters who are interested in you. So at some point you make a decision and move on with your life.

    Insha'Allah it will work out well for you

  10. Assalam O alaikum sister Salma:)-
    I am not here to tell you whether I will marry or not a women who fornicated in the past, regretted and repented and is on the right track now and no one need to tell anyone who they should marry and who they shouldn't. I personally don't like the people who judge or command others what they should do and what they shouldn't. I mentioned about tafseer because, in Holy Quran there is also a solution for the problem (that is why it is a way of life). So, it's upon the reader, follower what he understands from the book, some take things negatively because it works for them in short or long term and some try to stick to the actual meaning of that verse, no matter what they have to go through. I could have said that you picked up that "fornicator should marry a fornicator" part just to pick on men or women who fornicated in general(no matter if they committed a grave sin), without reading further where it provides the solution for those who committed it as a mistake and repent and regret it and want to live a Halal life. Besides, we Muslim who submit our questions here just with a hope to find help not to be grilled for what we did as a mistake.
    "I personally think those people who repented should marry those who also repented as that is only fair."
    Sweat sister! Don't take it personal but I don't know if you are married or not but I have a question for you. If you are not married then are you going to investigate about a potential spouse whether he is a virgin or not, fornicated or has not fornicated. Do you think if he did he will tell you the truth after knowing that it could a big issue for you. Let say he says he didn't, then what's the guarantee or is there any way of finding it out (it makes it more difficult for women to find this out in men but not difficult at all for men after marriage). Or, let's say he committed this sin, he repented and regretted it sincerely and is currently living in a very Halal way. The same guy ticks all the boxes which matter to you like looks, personality, PACKAGE, career, lifestyle etc. What are you going to do?
    Also, thanks to Allah Almighty that he never gave too much power in terms of who one should marry, otherwise this world would have been a hell for sure. Because, people with those power would have forced others to do what they think is right and abstain from something which they thought was wrong. So, I guess you should keep your views and apply them who are under and help people if you can sister:)-

    Bro im a sis i KNOW what im talking about, its probably 90% of the women and those that are young who want the package. This is just some advice because some bros seem to be totally oblivious to how women think these days. Think about if you think you are intelligent, have a good career like a lawyer, youngish and good looking why would you settle for less? girls think the same way these days, unless they are from abroard in which case theyll marry anything with a pulse to get a visa. In the old days women didnt have education they had to rely on men so now they dont they have a wider choice and can be abit more pickier

    Thanks for the advice and I would never marry a women who married me because I was rich or good looking or had a career (not that I don't have it but I don't like materialistic type and you don't have to agree with me sis:)-)
    I guess you didn't read my last reply sister, Alhamdullilah, I still have an offer for a girl who is average, Doctor, and fairly young 23-24. Why am I not marrying her is because we don't click together on many things including religion which is what matters most. She comes from a good family Alhamdullilah. She already has everything which a girl can dream of apart from a guy. So, why do you think she is not the right one for me? Because, I personally don't want a trophy wife, with a six figure salary, her own house, has car, a status in the society etc. That won't work with me honestly.
    Also sister no offence but you opinion of those girls from abroad who will marry anyone just for passport is right but not always. Honestly, I personally find that quite prejudiced against those women living in poor countries especially when it's coming from a sister. Being born in a better country with the green card or passport doesn't make anyone superior and guys and girls marrying with someone just for their personal benefit always ruin their lives and the lives of their children and partner. That is one of the reason why a lot of sisters are not getting married because they think they have the passport and they can fish the best guy out there but let me tell you sister that's not always the case.ALSO WHY DO PARENTS ALWAYS RUN BACK TO THOSE THIRD WORLD POOR COUNTRIES WHEN SEEKING A BRIDE OR GROOM FOR THEIR SON OR DAUGHTER. Are there no girls in that country where they are living and where their children have grown-up. SOMETHING FOR YOU TO THINK SISTER:)-
    "In older days women didn't have the education they had to rely on men so now they don't, they have a wider choice and can be a bit more pickier."
    Sister this made me laugh like mad hahaha. Sister, see here is the difference, some women marry guys because of their wealth so that they can have a lavish lifestyle while others marry a guy w.ho earns enough to support a family. Now the former type either end up getting married late in their late 30's or early to mid 40's and often end up with someone who they don't connect at all but they hate being single and feel pressure from parents, being single when their cousin, friends are all married with kids (for some women it's jealousy or competition as well). Even if they are lucky enough to net the big shark then sooner or later in life when they feel tired of that lavish lifestyle of shopping, bank balance, cars, or party lifestyle then they realise they don't have what matters in their life; which is LOVE, intimacy, companionship, someone to share their moments of joy and sorrow because they married the money not the guy. When they realise, it's too late.
    Also, your next paragraph is the somehow answer to the former one. why? because of the standards set by some sister and this attitude of choose and pick. Sister, there is nothing as perfect. If this is so difficult to understand then ask someone close to you who is in a relationship that there are moments when they have to sacrifice on something to get the relationship going be it their love for partner or something else. I guess I am not looking for a sister who is superficial, materialist etc.

    " The reason why those successful sisters are not married is beacuse they want the whole package and the bros dont seem to have that. My cousins are in the same dilemma they want it all but they say they only want a normal guy lol. But when they meet normal guys they dont want to know because deep down they want someone who is 'compatible' with their looks, personalities, careers and can basically provide well for them."
    Any solution for above situation, I wonder how many good proposal you sister might have turned down while choosing and picking. And that's why I think that if a guy is superficial he has got good chances of scoring with the girls and someone who is straight forward, honest, speaks their heart out, totally natural is very dull, boring, dry, backward etc. That's one of the reason why a lot of sisters are missing out on the right age of marriage and wasting their life waiting for "Prince Charming" "a knight" etc. Now, Imagine that very guy will have so many options to choose from when he's got everything which matters to 90% sisters lol. So, sister I always say that don't go for looks, personality or career(yes! do look for a guy who has passion to improve his lifestyle, not someone stuck in a low-paid, irralevent job for life and is scared to face the challenges) etc, because they are not guarantee for a happy marriage. Also, husband and wife relationship is like cart, both sides have to be balanced otherwise it won't work. So, one should be understandable of their partners and do their best to get the relationship going. It's all to do with love, understanding and communication. If you love your partner then you will cross a sea of fire. Especially, being a guy I look at it this way that a she choose me to be her life partner, she left the house where she grew-up with her brothers and sister, she had to leave all of them her most dearest friend and family members. So, I think she deserves the best:)-. Yes, life throws challenges and it's not always happily ever after but Allah has given us knowledge, wisdom and few ounce of brain to solve those problems and in fact it's a test in this life to see how we find the solution to secure our place in Jannah:)-
    It's not about ugliest or oldest sister why? because standard of beauty differ from person to person. What I find attractive or beautiful may not be the case for the other guy or girl. Most importantly everyone has the right to live the life happily within their resources and that's where something called COMPROMISE comes into play. Adapting oneself according to the situation is the best thing if one is to live happily and it works best for everyone. Make the most of what you have and be contented because life is too short and already full of problems and different challenges. Only patience, positive attitude, planning, honesty, communication, good intention can make us all through these little tests of life.

    I hope to hear from you again. Waslam:)- MKS 1982

  11. Assalaamu alaikum bro Mks and sis salma. I am not going to comment on the marriage thing, I am completely clueless, but sleeping with 20 men/women and sleeping with 1 or 2 is different. I am not condoning zina in any means, its a sin and a big one and alhumdulilah Allah protected me, but I have seen other people fall into it very easily. Its easy to say that a fornicator should marry a fornicator and a virgin a virgin, but 2 things.
    1- how realistic is this?
    I am not saying sister salma that you are one of these people I am about to mention, but a lot of good muslims who MashaAllah have not strayed tend to 'look down' a bit on those who have in the past, even if they have repented. This sin is between the person and Allah. If they have repented it is like they have not commited the sin. Its important to remember that we are all human, and not to judge. Admittedly, I would not like it if my husband had committed zina. It would leave me feeling pretty insecure, wondering if he ever compares me to her. Its better not to know these things. I used to have the attitude that this persons not a virgin theyre like this etc but I have come to realise that people make mistakes and as long as they are not indulging in the lifestyle and are suitable in all other aspects, why judge them.
    Wasalaam

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