Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My girlfriend was molested when she was 14, why didn’t she fight back?

Self defenseim in a trouble. Im not good at english but i need help. Im in a relationship since 6 years and now days my fiance said that some one did sexual harassment to her when she was 3 and in the age of 10 and 14. And she said she is not virgin.

What should i do? Im deppressed. She was 14 if some one touched her she can fight with it. But she did not fight with that guy.. I just think about that she did something with some one. im like i should kill that guy.

Is she is good for me? Should i marry her? Since last night i ddnt even sleep. She took oath she placed hand on quran pak and she said that is true. But she could have defend her self like she was not too little she was 14.

-Safdar

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11 Responses »

  1. You are wrong to expect a 14 year old girl to "fight back" to a sexual attack and worse to assume that somehow she consented. Full grown, strong adult women are sexually assaulted and find themselves unable to "fight back". How would a 14 year old girl do that? What if you find yourself facing a deviant man who overpowers you? You may very well be unsuccessful or unable to "fight back". Your friend took a risk sharing this sad experience with you. She felt she could confide in you and that you would be sympathetic to her situation. Now you are second guessing your relationship with her because technically she is not a virgin. I emphasize technically. Please look up the word "empathy". I do not want to be harsh, but you, like so many men often think of yourself -- when a woman you are involved with is sexually abused, not the woman who has been victimized. Be honest. Are you a virgin? Often men who are not, who actually were involved with another woman sexually, do not want to marry a woman who is not a virgin. Hypocritical.

    • I wanted to write the exact thing. How can a fourteen year old girl overpower a man who is attacking her???
      And how come is this guy questioning if he wants to marry her or not?
      Is she good for you? Is she the girl you would wanted to marry before she shared her story with you? Why questioning it afterwards?

  2. Is she is good for me? Should i marry her?

    No you should not marry her because YOU are not good enough for her..!! She deserves someone better.

    • Exactly wanted to reply the same answer.. Imagine if your sister or any1 else would have been in the situation would they figjt back and tell everyone that she was molested molested such a savage this person seems to be ... Hop the girl would be happy with you if she marries you

  3. Do you love her becouse if you did you wouldent be broad casting what she told you she trusted you and told you what happened to her she should report him to the police who knows how many more children he molested you should incourage her to do so she must of been scared to do or say any think did you ask her the reason why she never told any one she must of built up the courage to tell you iits not her fault so think twice and sit down and talk to her

  4. Dear brother
    Most girls in their teenage go under such situations..to be frank i had a situation like that..where my own islamic tutor misbehaved to me..in such situations we dont even know what is their intentions..she trusted you and told you but look at what you are doing..please never behave like she is not pure ..it wil break her and regret saying to you.there is no culture like you can marry only a virgin girl or else she is not good for you..if you really loved her you might not be ina situation like this..she is good for u beacuse atleast she told you right??..i told my husband and he told me its ok and to takecare of other youngsters in family so that they dont have such a situation..so please be good to her and pray to have a good life with her

  5. Asalamu Alikuim brother it's not your place to judge her ,she was Harassed even if she would do Zina now . It's something between her and Allah . If you were right for her you wouldn't make her swear In the name of Allah on Quran . You would support her emotionally . What's the difference between a open hole and closed one . If you can't handle her plse leave her . She deserves respect and value

  6. Brother have you ever been raped or assaulted in your life? Maybe No. That's why you don't understand. A real man would be there for her and not question her innocence at such a tender age.

  7. "Is she is good for me? Should i marry her?"

    I think the real question is if you are good for her. Seriously, how DARE you?! You sound like a very selfish, ignorant and backwarded person! If you view sexual abuse and rape as the same as thing as committing zina then you should do this poor girl a favour and leave her RIGHT NOW!!! She deserves an understanding and sensitive husband, not a husband that is arrogant like you, thinks he's above her and blames her for the crimes that were committed against her.

  8. a mature woman is unable to fight a rapist coz men have more physical power. your thinking is cheap . she doesn't deserve to be with you
    in such situations women lose their normality. it turns in to fear most women are unable to even move due to sudden trauma you are such a disgusting person you dont have any idea how it feels.

  9. Assalaamualaikam

    It is incorrect to assume that somebody can just "fight back" and prevent sexual assault, for many reasons, eg:-
    - people tend to have either a fight, flight or freeze response to an acute threat - the majority of people in the world, men and women, will freeze, and the next most common response is flight (to try to run away). It is definitely not the norm for a person to be able to instinctively respond to a threat with a fight response.
    - there may be very good reasons why a person may not be able to fight back. There may be weapons or a real fear for their safety or the safety of their loved ones, they may be incapacitated somehow, there may be such a physical imbalance that to do anything to resist would be a real risk of harm. Sometimes, all a person can do is survive what they are having to endure.
    - the person harming them may not be someone they feel able to fight against - eg. a person in a position of power, a relative who has been trusted by the family.

    In this case, at the age of 3, and at the ages of 10-14, she was a child. You cannot realistically expect a child to fight back successfully against an assailant.

    As for virginity, this is not the most important part of being a good person. Even if she is no longer a virgin with regards sexual intercourse, it sounds like this was unwilling and not of her own free will. Don't hold this against her. It is more important whether she is a good person, whether she tries to live a good life and follow Allah's guidance.

    Your fiancee is a survivor of sexual abuse and assault, and deserves empathy, respect and compassion, not judgement. I hope that you can give this to her, inshaAllah.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

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