Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I would give up my kids for a man who beats me and makes me suicidal

abusive husband

I'm in deep pain right now. I just want to clear my mind and open up myself to reality. I'm catholic- same like christian- and I had a boyfriend for almost 3 years. We lived together for almost 2 years  in one house. We lived like husband and wife, then he got engaged with a pakistani lady.

Ii tried my very best to ignore him and just forget him, but he came back and promised the whole world for me. I mean his self, because he became my everything. We got back together again as I loved him so much, even though I know we can never get married even if we love each other. I don't want him to have a fight with his family just because he wants me. I want his family to accept me.

For 3 years I have experienced everything worst in our relationship. I've been beaten, hit and accept all the words from him. All he said is his family can't accept me as I have a children already, but I loved him so much to the point that I'm willing to give all my life and forget about my kids.

In the last 3 days we broke up. He broke up with me for so many reasons about their culture, religion and nationality. I  just can't take all the pain now. Why can't pakistanis or muslims just accept a woman like me? Even if  gave everything to him?  I would sacrifice my whole family just to be with him- even my whole life, as I want him to see how much I do.

Can you give me some advice on what to do? I have tried killing myself for the past 3 days now. I wanna enter islam to understand everything.

- Desperate

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31 Responses »

  1. Firstly I want to say to you DON'T leave your kids or your life for this man. DO NOT ALLOW THIS MAN from discontinuing your responsibilities of being a mother to your child. Your child needs you, past is the past you cant change it.

    What you described in this relationship with this man you been with for 3 years is not of good character and he is not to be trusted. He has no respect for you or even know how much he is damaging you. Islamicaly you shouldn't be living with him. He knows this too and is using you with all the excuses of a weak COWARD MAN. Why are you even with him he don't deserve you I feel so sorry for you and that child of yours to be involved with such a violent man.

    My strong advise to you is to GET FAR AWAY FROM HIM OR EVEN MOVE OUT. CUT ALL TIES FROM HIM. This is not love he is making mockery of you and using you with all the excuses in the book. What shocks me the most is that YOUR WILLING TO GIVE YOUR KID UP FOR HIM? Are you serious? What has this man given you other than beat you and hurt you to the point your self esteem has been broken. My honest opinion TO YOU BREAKING UP WITH HIM IS BEST FOR YOU.

    If you want to convert to ISLAM only convert because you want to not to the point where you want to please him or others.

    • Muslims, Pakistan's are willing to accept anyone, providing the INDIVIDUAL is of good character. This man of yours is fully aware of this and it seems from his part,his the one not being honest or expressing his wishes of being with you ISLAMICALLY. If he was serious marrying you he wouldn't have kept you waiting for 3 years this guy is never going to change. Stand up for yourself and get far away as possible.

      • There are good and bad people every where. Have you seen a recent video of a Syrian Imam and his grand daughter on youtube?

        • I'm curious to learn about this Syrian video. Could you throw some more light on this? What is the name of this video?

          • Just search youtube for words Syrian imam granddaughter. Imams are supposed to be role models for believers.

          • Assalaamualaikam

            How is this relevant or helpful for the original poster?

            Rumours, gossip and YouTube videos about these aren't going to help this sister address her problems.

            Please try to keep comments relevant to the original post, and to avoid gossip.

            Midnightmoon
            IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • at first he didn't promised me anything to marry me and I know also to myself hes a muslim and it will be hard for him, but I did everything for him to see that I'm worth morethan any muslim lady in his place I may have children before but has happened when I never even saw him, when we started being together I swear to allah and in My jesus name he is all I have, I took care of him, did everything for him, I learned to cook the food he wants, I left all my friends for him so we dont have something to argue about, we were bestfriends before we become together so he knows everything about me I never lied to him. all that he told me is his parents and family will never allow him to marry me because i have kids but still i respect his family be patient enough to wait for them to accept me but at the end nothing happens and he just left me alone with only a word of sorry. I cant understand why his family cant never accept me I'm not a bad person I was just a woman who loves their son so much who took care of their son for the last 3 years.

  2. Take this from a Muslim woman, that man you are in 'love' with is a disgrace to all Muslim men, not just Muslims but all of mankind. Get away from that monster and seek help please! A normal person with morals and decency no matter what religion or back ground they come from they will never treat another human being the way this man has treated you. Please seek help and stay away from him

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through. This is not Islam - Islam teaches that women should be respected and protected; The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) taught this and demonstrated it in his own life. It is never acceptable for a Muslim man or woman who believes in Allah and the Last Day to abuse another human being.

    Islam teaches that we should not have casual or pre-marital relationships - if we wish to be with someone, we should propose marriage and ensure that any relationship is within the structure given to us in Islam. There are restrictions on who a Muslim can marry, but I feel he may be using this as an excuse. A Muslim man can marry non-Muslim women who practise Judaism or Christianity, so if you are a practising Christian, marriage would not be prohibited due to faith. If he wanted to marry you and be in an equal, Islamically appropriate relationship, he could have done this. He hasn't, and that speaks volumes about his character and intentions.

    From what you've written, it seems that this relationship has caused you a lot of trauma. My honest advice would be to leave - someone who treats you that way is not worth your tears and pain. I think you need to speak with your family and maybe a counsellor, to get things back in perspective. This guy isn't ever going to be worth sacrificing your family, your children, your integrity... no man is.

    Please remember that suicide is never the answer to the struggles we face in life - Christianity and Islam both teach that we should never act to end our lives. If you feel that you are at risk of harming yourself, please speak with your doctor or go to A+E (call an ambulance if you need to). Your priest may also be able to help, as a large part of the role of a priest is to support and guide the members of his parish.

    It might be useful for you to read about the life of The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and other prophets, including Isa (peace be upon him) - who is called Jesus in Christianity - they all treated their loved ones with respect and did not abuse positions of responsibility. While no man or woman alive today is perfect, we can all learn from the examples set by the best of humanity, and live our lives with integrity and faith.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Thank you so much for letting me know what islam is, he told me he was just engaged and he will break that engagement but last night he was here at my apartment drunk and crying and asking me to come with him as he said he needs me, I'm so weak to just kick him off my place so I decided to drop him home and saw the photos of his wife at that time I cant literally breath because of too much pain and all that he said is hes sorry, I trusted him and respect him so much, i wanna say a word but when it comes to his mother i cant say anything as I love his mother even they don't like me i respect his mother morethan I respect my own parents. I know its only me who can make a choice of moving on but I am asking for prayers from you muslim people. as all i think in my mind is to kill myself because i know I cant take the pain of seeing him with other woman after I gave everything to him.

      Thank you so much

      • Assalaamualaikam

        Please do not act to end your life. It may seem like in this moment the pain feels unbearable, but put your faith in Allah (God) that He will guide you through this.

        When I feel things are getting on top of me, it helps to read about the remarkable women who have shaped our faith - Maryam (Mary), Khadija, Ayesha... (may Allah be pleased with them all). Christian and Muslim texts have multiple examples of pious women who have endured trials and come through them with the love and guidance of Allah. It might help to read a translation of Surah Maryam, which describes this subject in depth, and reflects on love and family in Islam.

        In time, these wounds will heal, and you will go on to find happiness, love and respect, inshaAllah.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • Are you saying, you have a b/f who is already married? Islam allows 4 wives. If you want him so much that you can give up your kids for him, you can be his second wife.

        I fail to understand what you like about this man, who is involved in an illegal relationship, beats you also, drinks alcohol. Are you attracted to him because he is a good Muslim who reads namaz and fasts during Ramadan

        • Yes I am inlove with him so bad that I'm willing to be his second wife but the thing is it will not be that easy I really don't know what to do and I'm confused now

          • Sometimes it's very hard to lean close to the light, while you have already got deep into a relationship emotionally. From your description about this guy (i.e. the non-practicing Muslim), I do not see how worth he is for your love, let alone to think of giving up your kids for him. Giving up children for a man is really not a nature of a real woman. Because a woman is to love her children through her compassionate nature, more than her love for any man on earth. So you need to wake up my Sister, and then find your real identity in your love for your children.

            Rather than spending your whole life as a second wife to a non-trustworthy man, and then getting abused emotionally and physically, it would be better for you to dedicate your life for your own children and make them a better people-- you will surely be happy to know that, your children are treating other people with love and respect someday, inshaAllah.

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    First things first, you need to start valuing yourself immediately. You deserve to be treated with love and respect and not be beaten and tormented. Do not think about suicide, hurting yourself or leaving your children. You have a range of emotions right now and you have to try to settle them down and think clearly. Part of getting to the point of thinking clearly is removing all obstacles and this 'man' is the main obstacle right now. I am extremely sorry for your pain. May Allah ease your pain, Ameen.

    Some men decide to go ahead and have relationships and then later marry a woman from their cultural background. We can go over all the reasons why they do it, but none of those reasons will give you peace. Sister, he did it, now be smart and move on. Just like some Christians don't follow Christianity, there are some Muslims who don't follow Islam--so it is important to understand Islam from the Quran and Hadith, but not from the wrongful actions of some of its followers.

    Sister, I invite you to read up on Islam by beginning with the Quran and you will see for yourself that the man who treated you this way was FAR OFF from how his behaviour should have been. So how could a man who betrayed his own beliefs treat you well? Forget him and instead take this bad experience as a way to better journey--as you said, you want to understand Islam.

    I don't know why you would sacrifice your children or want to kill yourself--if you think you will be either rewarding or punishing him by any extreme reaction, you are wrong. Don't try to evoke a reaction from him because you will only feed his ego and pride knowing you can't live without him. Religion aside, you have to understand that all the emotions that are making you feel rage over the helplessness of the situation are in charge of you. You need to regain your power back by making the right decisions.

    1. Cut all contact with him by changing all your contact information including blocking him from you as well.
    2. Inform the police if need be including getting a restraining order if he approaches you again.
    3. Begin reading the Quran by getting a translation of it. If you know someone that can help you to understand, ask them, otherwise there are plenty of videos with good information about Islam including Dr. Zakir Naik's videos (simple and direct to understand).
    4. Seek counselling.
    5. Take care of yourself, love your children, spend your time keeping busy with your children and away from this 'man' who is more of a monster.

    I pray that Allah guide you on the straight path and ease the extreme pain you are feeling, Ameen. Thummah Ameen.

  5. Salam sister,

    This man has completely Brainwashed you! As a mother myself, my kids mean the world to me. How can you think of giving up your kids for this excuse of a human being! I just can't understand how he has been able to take control of you like this. You should be sacrificing everything for your kids!

    Even if you died this monster will not give a monkeys. He will just go to his next victim. This type of man does not feel any emotion or love for anyone. All they care about is having fun! Nothing else. He is far from being a good muslim man. I feel that you maybe desperate for companianship, for love and friendship and that's you you cannot leave him and want to hang onto him.

    Please seek help from friends and family. Leave him immediately for your sake and your precious kids sake. Make new friends, take up new hobbies and most importantly spend time with your kids. See how much your kids love you. Your life matters to your kids! They need you. Do not desert them for anything! Why are you chasing after a monster for love? When you have the sweetest angels that Allah has given you, who will love you the most. Is their love not worth anything?

    I know everyone wants a companion, but your better of single then being with someone that makes you miserable!

    Insha Allah you may meet a nice man later on who will love you and your kids and accept you for who you are wholeheartedly. Someone who really loves you will make excuses to marry you as soon as possible and will sacrifice everything for you.

    • Can you help me find a mosque here in UAE where I can talk to your priest I needed help now , it's been a week now haven't eating anything all I do is to try to kill myself it's so hard being alone I came here because he bring me here he's my life here my one and only I don't have friends or anyone here only him I'm begging for help now I know I'm a Christian and should go for a Christian community but the is I want a Muslim community to help me because a Muslim man broke my heart and my entire life

      • You should be very careful when meeting any man even any Imam alone to discuss your problems. Some men will try to take advantage of you. Don't tell people you lived like a husband and wife for 2 years. Under Sharia both of you commited a crime (Zina) punishable with lashes.
        Taking care of your health should be your first priority.

        Many arabs can't find a bride beacuse they are unable to pay dowry. There are good chances you may find a husband. What country are you from?

        • @svs, I don't want to find a any other man its only him I want in my life. I'm from philippines.
          @Issah, I will do that going to christian community I think it will help me but calling a police to arrest him i will never do that I'd rather sacrifice myself than seeing him inside the jail I cant see him like that my love for him is morethan I love myself

          • @Queency

            "...my love for him is more than I love myself."

            This phrase is very worrying. What has he offered you to be worthy for such love, Sister? He keeps on promising you the whole world, but do you really believe that he can grant you the world? The world belongs to God alone, and it is He we must love more than any creation. There is no harm when you love someone deeply and your love for the person is solely for the sake of God, but he must be a pious man, so that you don't get lost in your love for him. However, do you think God approves what is happening now between you and that guy? The guy is oppressing you, and God does not love the oppressors.

            You said,

            "We got back together again as I loved him so much, even though I know we can never get married even if we love each other."

            So if you know that already, why are you trying to hurt yourself further? What if he accepts to marry you in secret and live without love and respect? Is this what you deserve as a precious woman with dignity?

            But I have a question for you. Do you honestly love this man more than your children?

            Anyway, I hope things go well with you, inshaAllah.

          • Actually I don't i have tried forgetting my own children for him but I can't as I love my children also, I know I'm so desperate for his love but what can I do, I have promised to love him for the rest of my life and i will keep that promise to him, atleast when I die I wont regret anything as I know I have done my part of showing him and letting him see how much I did. I know that no woman can love him the way that I did and in that thing I will be happy dying knowing I am the only girl who love him morethan anyone else. Thank you so much for all the advice I hope no muslim man will hurt a christian woman like me, I have lots of friends with relation with a muslim man but they where not like me, some of them just always saying that they were just going on the flow but for me I love him true I don't play around. I know he loves me and care for me but he just can't disobey his parents which I cant hurt his parents also as I love his whole family. I have decided to enter Islam in the next couple of weeks before my birthday comes I will enter islam to learn to love myself before him. thank you muslim community I thought all muslim have the same beliefs and culture when it comes on treating a woman. may god allah bless you all. please continue on praying for me I know you get me what I have decided in my life but I cant live without him.

          • @Queency

            I am glad to hear that you are considering Islam soon. You are most welcome to be part of the the Muslim community, and we are happy to have you as our dear sister in Islam.

            Please visit the below link to learn much about anything you need to know, as a new Muslim.

            http://www.newmuslims.com/level/1/

          • @issah

            Thank you so much for welcoming me to your religion I think In this I will find more peace in my life. I'm sorry for loving a muslim man in a wrong way but this is who I am, I love him and willing to give everything in my life just to be with him.

      • @Queen,

        My advice for you would be to go to a christian community first. They can help you with anything you need, inshaAllah. If there is a need to go to the mosque or to the police, they will alert you of it, and even help you in the process, inshaAllah.

  6. Just because he wants to live happy he ruin my entire life.

  7. Just because he wants to live happy he ruin my entire life.

    • @Sister Queency

      It is ok my Sister. Sometimes we can make mistakes and fall in-love with the wrong person. However, we can learn from our mistakes and move on towards the right direction while focusing on God and what He approves.

      I am assuming that you have felt in-love before this man-- perhaps with your children's father. However, you were able to get rid of your love for him, and as you were able to move on and love again. Therefore, I believe you can still do the same here-- you can get rid of your love for this wicked guy and love again someday, inshaAllah.

      Someday God will direct a pious Muslim man who will love you and respect you as a precious woman, and make you happy, inshaAllah. Believe me, inshaAllah when that time comes and you meet him, you will feel like you have never been in-love before.

      It is true that, you can only find peace and happiness in your love for God and your rememberance of Him alone.

      God said in the Holy Quran:

      Those who believe (i.e. the true Muslims), and whose hearts find comfort in the remembrance of God. Surely, it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find comfort. For those who believe and do righteous deeds- for them is happiness and a beautiful return."

      (Quran 13: 28-29)

      Please feel free to come back here, whenever you need support and motivation from your brothers and sisters. We will always be glad to assist you, inshaAllah.

      May God be with you. Ameen!

      • Honestly what has happened to me with the father of my children is nothing for me As I don't love him that much I was stock with him when I got pregnant at the early age when my parents god separated 2nd child we have is again not in the plan or because of love I was stock with him that I thought if i stay with him I will be happy that we have children so I need to stay but I was never happy as i never love him that much, But i swear I love my children but not their father, but this man is the first man I ever felt what love is to this muslim man i sacrifice everything and accept all of him took care of him be slave for him because im happy being with him. but he used me so much and enjoyed using me now that he have a wife he wants to be happy and don't care if he ruin somebody's life he just care of his own life. I'm sorry my heart is full of anger now

  8. Hi sister,

    I live in UAE as well. I am no one to judge the man who left you but as far as i have seen and experienced here, most of these guyz do not have the pure intention to marry. They just have fun and flee. My sincere suggestion will be forget this guy and move on. He may again knock your door but dont open it with a dream that he came to marry you. Never ever open it even. Dont leave your kids go away like orphans for this guy. I wish you were there in the Dubai peace convention which took place a week ago. You might have experienced what kind of lifestyle islam gives you, and as far as i have seen here, there are no imams who will sit and hear your problems. Dont do that even if you find one it may lead you to trouble. Take care sister.

    • I can't stop loving him wanting him and logging for him, everyday all i have is worries what if what if i wanna stop but i just can't I dont what to do im getting crazy and crazy everyday

  9. May God bring peace to your heart.

    Which ever way you decide to go with this man, there is one thing you can do that would make you such a blessing to your children. I did not read all of the comments so I am not sure if this came up or not, but can you please go to live with your mother, or father, or sister, anyone- a supportive family member who can help you with the children while you deal with this trying time? If you could do this one thing- secure the well being of your children, by taking them and leaving them, or staying with them, to a family member who can love you all. You will have done a blessed deed as a mother. I hope for the best for you and your family. I really hope you can do this. It will also give you the time and space you need to make your decisions.

    Your Sister Hana

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