Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He is giving up proposal due to negative Istikhara

Black Sky and Water, blak and white,

 

Assalam,,,

I´m in love  with a guy who has expressed the same feelings for me.

Everything was done between our families but now they have seen Istikhara and had a bad dream so they don´t want to proceed up with this overture.  At our place, we saw a good dream in our Istikhara. We dreamt of seeing a bright light.

 The boy´s side  had seen the istekhara  in this way...that they are applying henna and washing it.. because of this they don´t want to proceed further...

Please do advice..jazakallhukhair

The guy  is listening to his family members only..   Help me.  What can I do now? How can I approach to him?

anjum


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16 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum anjum,

    Thank you for sharing.

    If he is rejecting you, even if he gets close to you now, he will always will have in the back of his mind the fact that his family didn´t approve the relationship due to a negative Istikhara.

    He maybe good for you, but you maybe not so good for him this can happen too. I see you have strong feelings for him, but trust Allah(swt) ways, He is All-Knower.

    The only approach I see, it is to talk definetely to him and his family and see if you still have any chance, if they are clear they don´t want to move forward with the proposal, respect their decision and ask Allah(swt) to help you to move forward and get ready for the person you are called to be with, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. dear sister

    I'm so sorry for your situation. But the reality is that many people entrust thier affairs to thier Lord, so prayers such as istikhara are performed for guidance, we cannot take guidance when it suits us and leave it when it does'nt, then its best to not even do istikhara in the first place. They are only doing what they should as good Muslims, and that is take the guidance they are offered thorugh this prayer and make a decision based on that.
    I think you and your family should have one final sit down and aks them if that is the only reaosn they are refusing this marriage and if it is then let it be.
    I know this sounds harsh sister, and sometimes life deals us with blows when feel we cannnot handle- but trust Allah, sister- He is the only one who can resolve your affairs, this could be a blessing in disguise, you may find a wonderful husband in the future, so have patience.

  3. Anjum, two points:

    1. You and the young man should pray istikhara yourselves. It is your decision, your future marriage, your life. Turn to Allah and ask Him for guidance, and then be prepared to follow His guidance sincerely and honestly, not forcing any outcome, and not allowing your biases to influence your choices.

    2. ISTIKHARA IS NOT ABOUT DREAM INTERPRETATION. I have said this over and over on this website. There is so much ignorance about Salat-al-Istikhara. Everyone seems to think that it's about dreams, or the color one sees in dreams, or about birthdates and star signs, and other irrelevant factors. Please see the links at the top of this website to read correct and authentic information about Istikhara. Istikhara is about asking Allah sincerely for guidance, then doing the action that feels right in your heart and trusting that Allah will answer your prayer and guide you to the result that is best.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Anjum,

    I am very sad that things have turned out the way that they have for you. I have to agree with Wael here that you and this young man should perform the Istikhara yourselves but feel that as the family has already told you that things are not good, their minds are going to be made up irregardless.

    I also want to add here that I sincerely believe in all my heart that everything happens for a reason and even though you are hurt right now and may even be angry at what is happening...Allah knows what is best for you. Maybe he is paving the way for someone even better suited to you...you never know.

  5. Assalamu alaykum,

    What I read in your post is a sign of utter Ignorance of people about Islam and ways of acting.

    People do not want to use their brains, their eyes, ears and sight to but want to dream and make decisions on what color, shape, animals, people, places and actions they see in dreams.

    No doubt dreams can be from Allah with truth. But has He given you the knowledge of interpreting them? or has He revealed any warrant to act in this way?

    I wrote on another post related to the subject. Insha Allah you may refer to it as below:

    Sister, as far has my personal experience of Istikhara is, from the people I know, they have gone by Istikhara and they have made wrong choices as well thinking they saw "good sign" and things did not work out well at all. Some people say pray 2 rakah of Istikhara and sleep and you will have some vision at night etc and see signs in it and they see things and get disturbed at times.

    Anyways, consulting Allah in our thoughts while awake, walking, working, sitting, reclining, almost in anytime of the day is the best to see a way ahead and save ourselves from wrong decisions. But we ares still humans with limited knowledge and may make mistakes. So do not worry, Allah is Ghafurur Raheem - The Forgiving, The Merciful.

    We need to be aware of the fact that " Surah Al Fatiha" which we recite in every salaat is the best way of seeking Allah's guidance, get a translation, know its meaning and ponder deeply upon the verses. " Show us the straight path, The Path of those whom thou hast favored, Not the path of those who earn thy wrath, nor of those who go astray".

    What better du'a for guidance can be than this? And have you wondered we read/ recite it in full conciousness and yet we are almost unaware of what a huge thing we are asking Allah.

    My advise to you is, pray 5 times regularly, if you are already doing, Masha Allah, continue with more concentration, wake up for Tahajjud and learn new surahs of the Qur'an and recite at night in your room/ place in a way no one else is disturbed.

    Best is to know meanings of what we recite, it makes the whole experience enjoyable and brings one closer to Allah.

    Apart from the solutions to all of life's problems lie in the Qur'an, just open, read, ponder and by Allah, those whose faith is sure in Allah, will get the answers they seek, Allah willing.

    As Allah says in Surah Ash Shura:

    51. And it was not (vouchsafed) to any mortal that Allah should speak to him unless (it be) by revelation or from behind a veil, or (that) He sendeth a messenger to reveal what He will by His leave. Lo! He is Exalted, Wise.
    52. And thus have We inspired in thee (Muhammad) a Spirit of Our command. Thou knewest not what the Scripture was, nor what the Faith. But We have made it a light whereby We guide whom We will of Our bondmen. And lo! thou verily dost guide unto a right path.
    53. The path of Allah, unto Whom belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth. Do not all things reach Allah at last?

    Allah Himself speaks with you by the Qur'an, so seek answers from Him and Insha Allah you will see your way ahead.

    Sister, qualities to be seen in a person are his Imaan, akhlaaq, taqwa - specifically fear of Allah and his commitment to deen and dunya (work/family/society) together along with over all looks as they please you.

    Read the Qur'an again and again and know what kind of men and women does Islam demand us Muslims to be. So if you see those qualities, say yes in the name of Allah and go ahead. Say yes to a proposal, if you feel your deen and dunya get better with it and do not do injustice to anyone, neither towards Allah, nor towards your ownself, to people or to the man you marry or to the man whom you committed something.

    Don't worry about Istikhara you did previously. Take up the Qur'an, read and judge things for yourself from Allah's Book. Seek Allah's guidance in awakeness as much as in sleep. Dreams may be biased due to our own thoughts, and Shaytaani dreams may mislead us as well. So seek Allah's guidance in broad day light and in the darkness of the night, Insha Allah, He will show you a way ahead.

    Insha Allah, all will be good, we make du'aa for you.

    • Assalamualaikum BrotherrMunib,

      Of course Al-Fatiha is the best dua. But there are several duas, many of which are for specific occasions. For example: We can recite Al-Fatiha before beginning to eat but there is a specific dua to read before eating which has greater rewards, Insha Allah. Similarly, allowing us to do Istikhara is one of the greatest blessings of Allah, the most High. Subhan Allah! He guaranteed communication through Istikhara... How fortunate to communicate to your creator while still alive! Dreams or not, Allah will guide to make the right decision. Even if the decision we make is wrong due to our ignorance of Allah's will, Inshallah, Allah will reward us for consulting with Him in the matter. So, I agree with all that you are saying but that has to be done everyday of our lives, not just when a situation like this sister's arrives. However, this occasion does open the need to do Istikhara. You almost said not to do Istikhara which I think is wrong.

      Lastly, I must say that you seem like a very angry brother reading the way you expressed your post. Brother, we are all here to please Allah and not ourselves... If you did not like someone doing something wrong, you do not have the right to get angry... Pray for them, Inshallah that is better.

      Jazakallah

  6. hi.. I also did Istekhatara to some if the boy that loves me will marry me, but I have dreamed that I am throwing with water on him.. I dont know what this dream meant, I tried to find out but I didn't find.. Later I found out that his family already has choose one for him, because they did not knew about me.. So I really don't know if he will get married to that girl that his mum wants or me , He loves me alot but his weakness is his family, and I respect that my family is my life I would do anything for them, so I understand him. but I dont know what my dream meant

    • If after your dream, you found out that his family has already chosen him a girl, then I believe your isthikhara has served its purpose. Throwing water on him can have several meanings but judging by the outcome of his family's decision, it can be interpreted as that man is fire and your are throwing water on him so he fades away or you're trying to give him problems ( drowning in water means problems) etc Wallahu alam. If you are still in doubt, then do isthikhara again for 3 or more days to be satisfied insha'Allah.

  7. I don't know Im very confuise! I did tried many times but I never dreamed him again,, only once in the morning,, I dreamed that I am in the same train with him and then he is going into a club and then I see him dancing.. I dont remember if I had praied istekhatarah that day

  8. I don't know Im very confuise! I did tried many times but I never dreamed him again,, only once in the morning,, I dreamed that I am in the same train with him and then he is going into a club and then I see him dancing.. I dont remember if I had praied istekhatarah that day thank you for the help 🙂

    • You dreamt that he went to a club and danced, then I believe, that certainly is not a good dream/positive sign.

      There's somthing more you should know, Istikhara is consultation with Allah and if the decision is good for us, He makes it easy for us, otherwise He makes it difficult for us or takes the choice away from us. In either case, Allah gives us patience and peace of mind. Isthikhara result doesn't need to be in a dream. It can be a feelings or events can just unfold like in your case, where that boy's family chose for him a girl. Isthikhara done.

      • Brother I follows your comment everytime and it is good advice you give. But I don't know anything about ishtikhara prayer. One of my friend is having problem with her husband they fight and argue a lot, she wants to perform this prayer but she fears that if she do it regarding weather she should continue this relations or not and if it comes our negative then she will be shettered because she loves her husband and want to live with him. What should she do....

        • Nadia, if she loves her husband and wants to stay with him then let her do so, and let them get marriage counseling to help their marriage.

          See our articles about Istikhara. Links at the top of the page.

          Wael
          Islamicanswers.com Editor

        • Yea, If she loves him alot then isthikhara is not needed. She should just stay with him and work to make things better between them. If she still loves him even after the fights and arguements, it just shows that those fights etc are not severe to an extent of physical abuse is it ?

          Allah never favor divorce and always encourages the continuation of marriage.

          Allah said,

          "If a couple fears separation, you shall appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family; if they decide to reconcile, Allah will help them get together. Indeed Allah is Ever All-Knower, Well-Acquainted with all things." (4:35)

          Therefore its best to get family help and/or counseling for their marriage.

          Divorce has to be the last option. A couple has to try hard to make the marriage work, they both should compromise, see the good in each other etc because satan will do his best to destroy a marriage.

          “Verily Satan places his chair on water. Thereafter he deputes his armies the lowest ranking amongst them is the greatest in causing mischief. One of them comes and says “I did such and such.” So Satan replies, “You have not done anything.” Thereafter another comes and says “I did not leave him until I caused him to separate from his wife.” So Satan brings him closer and says “Indeed you are great.”

          ( Sahih Muslim )

          • Thank you. No it's not physical abuse. Know him very well he would never abuse physically he would divorce if things gose worse he is my husband close friend it's just argument on daily life problems. I also told her the one you telling now its just matter of time.

  9. salam...i did istakhara for my arrange marriage...first time i saw white wall and den black jeans...i got confused nd asked dat gal to do istkahara...she did nd sees som green clr nd red hens...which made us confused...now i did istkhara again nd see greens nd white clr but dere was black again...em so confused right now...need some help....

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